Season 5: Ain't No Sunshine

Phew, Ryan Sleazebag is not hot today in his grey shirt and black jacket. Maybe it's the lighting but I can pretty much see all the lines of his face today. He must be too busy lately that the poor dear has forgotten his regular visits to the clinic for Botox injections. Anyway, Sleazie is at Austin, Texas, today, which he calls the live music capital of the world. He wonders whether the wannabes in this episode will live up to the reputation of Austin. Er, does "living dead" count as "live"? That's close, isn't it?

As always, the freaks are out in full force today, filling up the stadium and chanting to the camera, "Don't mess with Texas!" After this episode, I'm sure that is an order many people will find it easy to follow. Some may even go as far as to say, "Don't breed with these Texans!" Sleazie says that there is no better place to look for stars than in Texas who gave us Kelly Cluckson, the original freak magnet of barely functional teens who cried into their handkerchiefs as they debated verociferously whether Kelly and Justin were really dating while pretending that they knew some insiders who exclusively filled them in on details such as how Kelly was playing chess with Justin over the weekend and therefore the world could breathe easy because Kelly was still a virgin. Today, Kelly had left the evil corporation to move to another evil corporation that promised her money as long as she turned herself into a more kiddie-friendly version of Avril Lavigne. Kelly obviously didn't want people to associate her with the show but she can't sever ties without being seen as an ungrateful cad, the show obviously would love to get people to love Cattle instead of her but Kelly is currently the most successful winner, dang it, and they have to keep using her name and face as all that is good about the show, so Kelly and this show are like some long-married couple who aren't just staying together but also not killing each other because of us, the children of their so-called marriage.

Over 5,000 freaks turned up, Sleazie says, since morning. Some bring signs such as "Pick me!" Others have group rehearsals, singing about the sun is shining or some rot. Some show off their voice to the others. A guy wears a blouse because he's the latest in a long line of fratboys who see the bad audition episodes as an ideal hazing method. Some guys look like they've tried very hard to look like thugs to the camera. But all of them agree that the day is hot - literally, because the sun is hot - and a lady demonstrates what she does in her free time when she's not dreaming of being Kelly Cluckson by pouring water over her head. Randy Randy shows up and the show pretends that he actually has a function on the show other than being a figurehead that makes indecipherable sounds now and then. Miss Paula hopes that King Tut is in a good mood because this show is so desparate that it is now hoping that people will tune in just to see King Tut lose his temper, rip off his corset, and jump naked out of the window to fall splat onto the cement six stories down. Sleazie says that King Tut is hoping that someone would notice the man's "impressive pecks"... wait, maybe Sleazie said "impressive pecs" although I don't see any pecs on King Tut. Anyway, a young lady obliges by screaming when she sees him and runs the other way. Doing that is better than sharing the casting couch with Uncle Nigel, I suppose. The three judges walk under the metal detector device where it bleeps when King Tut passes under the it. King Tut is asked to remove the iron rod up his ass off-camera.

Pointless muggings from wannabes desperate to be on TV even if for a second are followed by... ooh, I see a pretty decent-looking hot boy waiting for his turn. I am awake already. But for now, the first freak in question is a not-so-hot boy, Julian Riano, who emanates creepy vibes mostly because he claims to be 27 when he looks and sounds like some teenaged kid. He has always wanted to be a dancer in some ballet production but alas, no one wanted him because he was too short. And too creepy, of course. The moment Miss Paula opens her mouth, it's clear that she's dancing in that beautiful place in her mind that is just a little south of sobriety. Julian asks Randy Randy, "Shall I just go down on you?" Don't get too excited though, people, he's talking about doing the splits and not that perverted act I know you are all thinking at that moment. He does the splits and Miss Paula stammers to say "awesome". Julian sings Lemon Tree by Trini Lopez. Insert your own fruit joke here. Julian doesn't sing as much as he's chanting-speaking the song though. Still, Julian's thrusting his crotch at the camera like nobody's business so maybe he's auditioning for a different kind of entertainment business altogether.

Michelle Lapont sings like she's running out of breath and finally stops when the number on her body falls off. She quietly asks the judges whether she should pick up the number and Miss Paula shakes her head. Arthur Mayfield is dancing instead of singing. Donnel Bolton is so adorable though as he Chipmunks his way through the Jigglypuff theme song. He's so cute! I want to hug him and keep him in a bottle so that he can sing that song whenever I whip out the bottle and terrorize my annoying neighbors the next time they dump their garbage my side of the house.

Finally, Paula Godspeed shows up like she's trying to be some pink Arabian Nights princess who has fallen on hard times and has to resort to working at the local shore leave watering hole to make ends meet. She tells Sleazie that people call her the fashion genius and that she has attending modeling schools. Sleazie is listening and nodding while inside his head he's no doubt thinking, "Girlfriend, you must be the model in that school when they were learning how to draw corpses!" Paula brags about how her modeling teacher loves her and Sleazie blinks and thinks of why he still doesn't get any respect when he's already had a freaking Hollywood Walk of Fame star. Paula babbles about how many people can't carry off her looks. She idolizes Miss Paula and spends time drawing (pretty well, actually) Miss Paula. "Brace yourself, Paula!" Sleazie voices over as the camera zooms in on Paula Godspeed's braces. Is it me or this show is determined to exert some payback on Miss Paula over the whole Corey She Intercoursed thing? Miss Paula squeals that Paula Godspeed here has her name. King Tut says sarcastically that a name isn't what the two Paulas have in common. Miss Paula valiantly adopts King Tut's tone and says yeah, she sees what he is saying. No, she doesn't. Paula sings Proud Mary and if she hasn't announced the title of the song beforehand, I won't have any idea what she is singing. The judges boot the off-key pink fruitcake-wannabe out of the room without prejudice. Oh, and King Tut adds people wearing braces to his ever-growing list of enemies in his desperate attempt to get some column inches. Outside, Paula Godspeed cusses and moans and complains as sad music plays in her background.

Sleazie explains that Austin is one of the country's biggest "college towns". Ooh, does this mean that this is Sleazie's favorite hunting ground? For some reason, "Austin's prestigious colleges" somehow leads to a bunch of college kids dressed up and acting like zombies around the place. Maybe it's a fraternity or sorority hazing thing. Maybe it's for a bet. Maybe it's an advertisement for their self-produced slasher flick that they made using the equipment they "borrowed" from their film school. Perhaps it's a "Your singing kills us all" kind of protest. I don't know. I know their make-up skills are far better than those hired by this show as "make-up artists", though. Anyway, the living dead is just a lead for Sleazie to make bad pun about the "brain deads" in the audition room, although the jury is still out on whether he's talking about the judges, the freaks auditioning to the judges, or both. A montage of bad singing follows, and then this is followed by an insipid "Curse of the Co-eds" intermission which is another montage of bad singing only in black-and-white.

Speaking of dead people, meet funeral director Jason Horn. This is the cute guy I hear all about in the message boards? You know what? I'll take what I can get. This guy is super hot in terms of the guy quality of this show and I'll take it! I'll take him! Besides, he's all about the stiffs. He predictably sings Josh Groban's You Lift Me Up and while I'm not impressed at all (I find him cheesy, in fact, and I get Josh Don't Tell flashbacks when he squeals out the high notes, shudder), I'll tentatively book my seat in Jason Horny's Coffin of Love. On the other hand, veterinary assistant Cierra Johnson, who also claims to be a part-time choreographer, looks pretty easy on the eyes and wants to do her thing and be herself. Unfortunately, singing isn't among the "things" she claims to be capable of. She can't hold any note steadily and she just has to sing O Holy Night which has plenty of notes that are supposed to be held steadily. Then again, her Silent Night isn't any better. Bye, Cierra. She just can't bring the goodies. Outside, Cierra starts to talk about how the judges will all buy her albums before she catches herself and says that she doesn't want to embarrass herself anymore. Still, I want to know where she gets her weaves done. They look fabulous.

Many people are rejected following Cierra and they come out sobbing or just being dejected or being mad enough to punch walls. And then, hold the news, people. Allison Schoening wants to tell everyone about how she almost DIED in the plane on her way here. The seal blew off and everyone had to wear oxygen masks and make what may be their final calls to their loved ones back home, but of course, Allison is safe and she runs straight to the camera to sell her story in exchange for some airtime. Well, we already have a homeless parasite and the daughter of a white trash, both wailing that they have to win because I have no idea how much they have been through, so a pathetic airplane near-kaboom that doesn't even feature fashionable terrorists or a catchphrase that can be trademarked can't measure. She claims to be nervous before the judges and the judges ask her to return in half an hour after she's calmed herself down by picturing Randy Randy in his swim trunks. As opposed to a paparazzi shoot of King Tut naked, which is surely far more ghastly? I know, I know, King Tut is perfect in his mind, he is hot, and he only insults himself when he feels that he can be cooler by pretending to be self-aware.

More wannabes get rejected, including a hot guy here and there. This show hates me. A pretty hot guy, Jeffrey, stammers and babbles about why he wants to be an Idol before pausing to think. Um, because he's going to be shirtless on TV for me? That's a bloody good reason if I may say so! Jeff's friend Rickey Hayes claims that there is no other life he can imagine having apart from being an American Idol. Well, his overly-contrived and melodramatic I Can't Make You Love Me may help him get one step closer to Hollywood and one step back in the closet when it comes to his "friendship" with Jeff. (Those two are so cute together, I tell you.) Next is Ashley Jackson from Dallas who's a "fit model" - she makes sure that all the clothes fit together nicely as an ensemble, I think. She can't sing too well but hey, she looks good in the dreams of those dirty old men running the show so she's going through. Maybe they are enthralled by how she can "sing" the national anthem with her mouth closed and wonder what other things she can do that can rival that awesomeness.

Ronnie "RJ" Norman is one of those class clowns who get to stick with the jocks by being self-effacing and playing the "unlikely gigolo" role for everyone's amusement. He plays the narcissist to the camera, claims to be a hit with everyone, and takes advantage of the camera to hit on ladies who would normally give him the cold shoulder when there is no camera around. He also talks about how he hits on the ladies in the restaurant he works at to get bigger tips, although since he's on this show, there's also a likely chance that he gets more tips in the men's room than in the dining room. Think Billy Zane playing an outrageous role and that's how RJ is being in front of the camera. His Ain't No Sunshine is decent and you know what? I adore him. He's cocky, he's a blow-hard, and I find his narcissistic facade infectious. I even have a chuckle at his blowhard brush-off to the judges. Yeah, yeah, I also like Rob Mariano and Jim Bozzini so what do I know, eh?

Randy Randy doesn't like RJ much but the judges have a laugh when Kevin Mitchell walks in looking like a younger Randy Randy. Kevin says that he keeps getting compared to Randy Randy so he keeps a small mohawk as a "Plan B". Unfortunately, even if Randy Randy finds Kevin a novelty, Kevin can't sing and is sent home. Allison comes back again next and she still sounds as bad as before so she is sent home as well. Maybe she'll take a bus home this time.

William Makar, who looks like a cross between Adam Brody and Kewpie, saunters in, oozes cheese mixed with awkward testosterone like a confusing mish-mash of asexual puberty-explosion with maybe a smidgen of masculinity buried underneath the desperate need to appeal to very young girls. He's the latest guy who is turned down by Miss Paula and is sent through anyway by the two male judges. I don't know. There is something very contrived about William here, like he's playing a role just like Trachea Boi was in the last season. I'll see.

Tessie May Reed is fat, the camera makes sure that everyone knows that, and she just has to lay claim to delusions of grandeur by comparing herself to Piggy Di Guano and Cattle Underwood. Of course she can't sing and she runs out sobbing while King Tut makes a predictable fat chick joke. Yawn.

Sleazie says that only twelve people made it to Hollywood and those who did have a "knock-out experience". Sleazie, of course, is always there to celebrate with those who made it, the hanger-on that he is. Oh, and Jeff remembers why he wants to be on this show. He says he'll be an exciting contestant. My question is: SO, DID HE GET THROUGH OR WHAT? WILL HE TAKE OFF HIS SHIRT ON TV?

Of course, knowing my luck, William will win this thing and the show will finally get a Kewpie to replace the one that they let slip away from their grasp. One more stop - Boston - and then the whole dull bad auditions episodes will be just an unpleasant memory.