Season 5: I Can't Help Myself

To a crowd of screaming kiddies in a sea of umbrellas, Sleazie voices over that the final stop for the auditions is Boston. Three cops who must be desperate for some extra change for donuts tell the camera that the next American Idol must be from Boston since Boston already has "world champions" like the Red Sox (people in Tibet: who?), the Patriots (people in New Delhi: who?), and... um, the new Kewpie? This guy who deliberately dresses to look like Kewpie prances up and down the room singing a horrific version of I Can't Help Myself. Sleazie's verdict on those cops' predictions is an optimistic "Maybe!"

Oh dear, it's raining but people are still showing up for the auditions. Armed with umbrellas, ponchos, and a healthy sense of delusion, they march out and fill up stadium seats, all the while chanting, "Boston! Boston! Boston!" Silly kiddies, Boston doesn't care if they are auditioning for the show! It is only when they make it to the semifinals, that's when the mayor and everybody in town will want to be their new best friends. Boston is the proudest town, according to Sleazie, because of its history. Samuel Adams was from here, doncha know. The Bostonians threw tea into the sea just to give King Tut the finger as well. And don't forget, squee, the New Kids On The Block were from here too! This show doesn't mention the New Kids though because King Tut had nothing to do with that group. King Tut addresses some kiddies about how he may be harsher today since he's more self-conscious than usual on the fact that he's British. King Tut, after all, is always discreet about his nationality, never using his nationality as an excuse to be rude in the most unimaginative manner and all that.

Sleazie describes James Yokley, Jr as a "Patriot in the mould of the founding fathers". James would like everyone to know that his imaginary friends call him "Ghost" and therefore you all should too. He says to the camera that the way he "flows" is "like the fast style and like the slow style". Naturally he doesn't know which style suits him best. He tells the judges that he's here to show his "malodorous" stuff, only to be corrected by the judges because he actually means "melodious" and "malodorous" is an accidental Freudian slip on his part. He then starts stomping one foot as he chants, "Go left! Go left! Go left! Now left!" Then he raps, "Who's dat in the background? It's dem soldiers from the U-S-A!" He repeats this a few times before going on, "This is a love letter from dem who cross seas!" Is he rapping about having some torrid gay affair with a soldier abroad? How sweet! And on and on he goes, his eyes tightly shut throughout it all, and while Randy Randy claims to like Ghost's outfit and Miss Paula finds the lyrics "true" (it must be the vicodin speaking), King Tut isn't so sure and asks Ghost to sing. Ghost's Lean On Me is atonal and he is sent packing soon enough. He claims that the judges are being honest and he'll just keep going. Hopefully out of town.

"All-American girl" Ayla Brown happily pimps her Senator father and her local TV personality mother in the name of patriotism so that she may croak her way through Ain't No Mountain High Enough - oh for heaven's sake, BAN THAT SONG already! - but the show has a pimp clip ready for her and she's deemed pretty enough to go through to Hollywood even if King Tut thinks that she's too rehearsed. Ayla and her parents enact a cringe-inducing staged moment for the camera when it's very possible that they all hate each other in real life, heh. Next is the compulsory Bash The Foreigners time, with this time around Irada Jafarova claiming to be a "classically-trained" mezzosoprano but no flower in her head can distract from the fact that her Unbreak My Heart is out of tune and her voice cracks embarrassingly midway through. Upon Randy Randy's prompting, she goes, "Chain chain chain! AH! AH! AH! Chain of fools!" All this is accompanied by the most hilarious attempt at dancing like some stripper. She tries to remove her flower from her hair while winking at Randy Randy but somehow the flower gets tangled up with her hair and she ends up letting the flower dangle from her hair just like that. Then she prances around looking like someone who is so drunk that she starts dancing in deranged manner as she murders How Do I Live? while pulling her hair over her head. King Tut calls her horrific and she quickly leaves without a word.

Laurence Soares squeaks his way through the C+C Music Factory's Everybody Dance Now, sending the judges into convulsions of laughter when he starts beat-boxing. Alison Laverdiere is singing in an even higher pitch and I don't recognize the song she is butchering at all. Katherine Hofman moans sickly through Love Will Lead You Back. Don't these people have any new songs to butcher? King Tut then calls a guy "great at a drunk party but not fantastic sober". Hmm, that's actually a new put-down from him. The rejected ones moan and cries, allowing Sleazie to voice-over that the war with the British is on again. Does this mean that the Bostonians will throw all of King Tut's coke stash over some boat into the sea?

The O'Donahue twins are here. They tell the camera that they do everything together and have the same jobs and what not, which may or may not be a calculated ploy to get dirty old men to think naughty thoughts about those two. One claims to have an emergency vocal cord surgery and she's here to support the other sister. The one who can sing launches into Black Velvet. King Tut says that those twins are "commercial looking" (translation: beer calendar topless girl material). He correctly finds the singing less than impressive and says no, saying that no doubt that young lady must have believed that her looks will help her get through to Hollywood easily. Miss Paula and Randy Randy however put her through anyway, therefore proving her right. Whatever, hmmph.

Ooh, I like Tatiana Princessa Ward's hair. She claims that her mother's family disowned her mother when her mother (who's white) married an African-American man. Tatiana is here to show her mother's family that her mother has raised her well. Her performance of My Cherie Amour is pretty good but King Tut finds it too old-fashioned and cabarent. Tatiana flatters Randy Randy by calling him sexy like her father while she calls Miss Paula sweet. Miss Paula wishes that Tatiana has "colored up" her vocals and go for high notes (idiot) so she says yes along with Randy Randy. Tatiana is going to Hollywood. She is followed by more ladies who get through.

Seacrest now launches into a self-masturbatory moment where he talks about how much he loves his job and his job and his bought-for Hollywood Walk of Fame star. This leads to a montage of wannabes revealing their jobs, including one person who claims to do drag, hmm. Is there a point to this montage? What's the message? Sleazie has the best job in the world? Perhaps, but I can't in all honesty imagine that I can ever be happy being Sleazie. All that hairgel, all that botox and silicon, ugh. I'll feel like a walking Ken doll. Holly Corrente, however, loves her job at the disability center. She's that annoying woman who keeps bothering old folks that only want to sleep in peace and makes them sing happy songs about sunshine and growing old. Her cloying little-girl squeaky performance of Anastascia's Left Outside Alone leaves the judges cold however and she's a no go, awww. She may try again next year.

Sleazie says that the sun is going down and fatique is setting in. He sagely tells me that I can either let the fatigue overcome me or I can get over it. Why do I feel that he's talking about more than the sun? Hey, Sleazie, take off that sweater and let me inspect the liposuction scars on that torso of yours. That will help me overcome any fatique, especially if I get to play join-the-dots on those scars! Next, Kenneth Maccarone poses dramatically at the door of the audition room as the camera shines the spotlight on him. He does this dance for the camera that will probably make him no friends outside of the ballet dancefloor. He says that he knows what the judges are looking for and I must say, I find myself thinking that this guy is quite a looker. Too bad he has to do a pretty bad Cher impersonation with Believe. He catches himself when he nearly laughs at the end of the performance so damn it, why is it that all the lookers on this show are just here for a laugh? I want my hot boys on the stage to tide me through the next few months of this wretched show! King Tut takes the opportunity to make all kinds of "be a female impersonator" lines that he hopes to land him in hot water and Kenneth responds by saying that King Tut looks like the backside of a pair of jeans and there is no shame in sounding like Cher because Cher is a good singer.

Sleazie laments that the show is still looking for good guys but most of the guys around the place are just... kids. Tell me about it, hon. I've been singing that song to my bedroom poster of Tom Selleck since I was in pinafores. Then it's Kevin Corvais, who looks like the creepy demon-possessed kid in some horror movie I've seen. He's short, stumpy, and creepy. He claims to bring youth and excitement to the show. Yeah, I'm so excited already, I want to jump out of the window. He sings Josh Groban's You Lift Me Up, every prepubescent boy's anthem as he anxiously measures his pee-pee every day, and he's a little too contrived for my liking. King Tut nails it when he says, "Anyone over the age of eighty would love you. I don't think anyone under the age of twenty would be able to relate to you." Miss Paula disagrees, calling Kevin an "underdog" and claiming that the lack of looks never hurt Kewpie. But has anyone shown Miss Paula those ugly snapshots of Kewpie's more insane fans? None of them are under the age of forty and none of them have seen their feet for a long time now as well. Miss Paula and Randy Randy send Kevin through despite King Tut's attempt to introduce them to sanity.

Today's broken note montage is Joy To The World. I really love that guy who is dressed up in that killer alien costume. Maybe I've taken too many painkillers today but that is one of the funniest things I've ever seen, especially when he forgets the words to the song while lifting that sword up high like he's going to chop someone's head off. The montage ends with this mousy girl singing "Joy to you and me!" to which Randy Randy asks King Tut, "Yes or no?" and King Tut answers, "Never!" And I swear I saw Kirsten Dunst in that montage!

Sleazie says that sometimes a look is an advantage, like how if one looks like Jessica Simpson ("Is that... chicken?"), that will help. Oh, Sleazie, still pretending that King Tut and he like girls. How silly of him! This is the cue for Michael Sandecki to show off how desperate he is to be on camera that he dresses up in the same clothes that Kewpie wore for the auditions, speaks like Kewpie, only he acts like he's Kewpie on speed. Or Kewpie forcing a porn star's head down on him, if you listen to Howard Stern's radio show, heh. Hey, don't laugh at Kewpie. He has the stamina to keep going like the power bottom-hungry top dude that he is for ninety minutes. How many guys can claim to last that long, eh? He is predictably awful and the judges have a long and unfunny "comedy scene" with him that goes on and on. Sheesh. This show never gets the punchline thing right, I tell you. Anyway, watch out Mike - Kewpie is going to avenge his honor by knocking on your door and he won't leave a phone number when he's done with you!

Sleazie reveals 28 Bostonians are moving to Hollywood and the auditions are now over for good. The good parts of the show finally begin! This episode closes with a montage of scenes good and bad from the last five hundred episodes of the bad audition moments with Daniel Powter's You Had A Bad Day playing in the background. I'm off for today. With the bad auditions over, my mood will be better and I'll be recapping the subsequent episodes with much more enthusiasm and dedication and humor so hey, stick around a little longer. The worst part of the season is over and hopefully things can only improve from here.