Season 4: When God Fearin' Women Get the Blues

Wow, what a week, eh people? This is the episode where that thing happens that drive thousands of Stupid Little Girls into screaming and signing stupid online petitions swearing that the show is rigged. This is the week that the mainstream media finally discovers and then acts as if VFTW is some powerhouse movement instead of an amusing and harmless stunt started by a few people on the Sucks board. I laugh when people blame VFTW for engineering Ape Boy's stay on the show because take it from someone who knows about VFTW since the second season - there is no way it has enough supporters to actually do what the media claims it can. Now that more people are aware of VFTW, maybe it will be a force to be reckoned with, maybe not. But the timing is such that people will have to look elsewhere to find the answer to Ape Boy's longevity. My theory? Just start by looking at Ape Boy's disgustingly manipulative family clip in this episode that reels the gullible into keeping him on the show.

Anyway, on to the show. Ryan "I'll Do Anything For Attention" Sleazebag welcomes everyone to the "pressure zone" where the Six's longevity on the show hinges on their single performance tonight. He wonders who will rise to the occasion and who will fall on the wayside. As I ponder whether he's describing the casting couch session or the actual show itself, the credits roll.

Coming out in suit and pants, all light green and cream-colored today, the clean-shaven Ryan Sleazebag cups his ear to the audience when they cheer, just like he did last week. Repeating himself now, isn't he? He must be running out of shtick faster than I expected. Sleazie assures me that the season is ending because he says that the finale is coming close and the momentum is building. Maybe for other people, but for me, there's no momentum as much as I just want this season to end, thanks to the dreary charisma-free lot the Six mostly are. They better bring on some genuinely entertaining people next season! Sleazebag reminds everyone that Anwar is gone but he assures people that Anwar is happy teaching his kiddie students to reach impossibly high notes for ten minutes while wearing tight pants. Sleazie, it's not nice to be jealous of Anwar just because he's thinner than you. Sleazie introduces the judges: Randy "I Wish People Pay Me More Attention" Randy, Charmaine Miss "Attention Forces Me To Be Sober Tonight" Paula, and King "Pay Attention Because I Like To Pretend That I'm More Relevant Than I Actually Am" Tut.

It's time to introduce the theme of this week so what's better than the usual staged flashback clip? Cut back to supposedly the night after the last results show where the Six just sit there and stare lifelessly at the camera, which must be how they normally look when they aren't given cues to smile and look pretty to the cameras. Sleazie comes in and tells them that there are two "girls" left on the show. It's great that he makes this clarification in case some people confuse Trachea Boi for a "girl" or Vonzell for a "man" and Ape Boy for Jabba the Hut. Sleazie asks the Six who wants to be the American Idol. He tells them to say "I do!" and Trachea Boi says quickly, "I do!" Trachea Boi is so eager to do anything to be on the producers' good side, I wonder what else they ask that he will quickly jump up and say "I do!" to. Sleazie asks Trachea Boi what happened at the start of the year 2000. Trachea Boi says that he was fourteen at that time and he was at a party in Pennsylvania and... he demurs and says in an obviously rehearsed manner that what happened in Pennsylvania stays there. That way, no one will know of how they tied poor Trachea Boi naked to a tree and laugh at him until he cried for his parents. Conty Bint was partying with his rock group, conveniently omitting how he was actually crying in his bedroom while hugging his teddy bear when they kicked him out of Rent because people were complaining that his singing made their ears bleed. And thus, Sleazebag reveals the theme. No, it has nothing to do with Trachea Boi pretending that he lost his virginity at the age of fourteen on January 1 2000 or other "Songs That Were Playing When You Got Molested By Your Baseball Coach" nonsense. Tonight the Six will be performing songs from the "New Millennium" onwards to the present day. In short, they can sing anything that came out from year 2000 onwards.

Back to the present, Sleazie says that as a special bonus, each of the Six will be introducing their life and their family (read: what they'd like to pretend their life and family are like) in a special cloy-inducing clip before their performance. Sugar before swill, that kind of thing, you know.

Cattle goes first. Her life in Checotah, Oklahoma, is all about - what else? - the farm. Cattle wants to pretend that she has never left the farm until now. That way, the Gun and God People will clutch at the most important determinant of their love for Cattle: she is still a virgin and she wants nothing to do with those stinking liberal stuff like partying and having gay sex. Cattle's mother subtly suggests that Cattle may be into kinky stuff because she insists that Cattle loves animals more than people. I think we can see that. That poor gal exhibits no personality whatsoever on stage but she is practically beaming when she comes out of that shed after her favorite goat. Cattle's mother then sheds tears on cue when she insists that Cattle is a kind and loving daughter. Why is she crying if her daughter is such a paragon? Hmmm.

Cattle comes out with straight Debbie Gibson hair and some black cowboy top before launching into Martina McBride's When God Fearin' Women Get The Blues, which may or may not be a song about the fans of Conty Bint on a rampage after the results show. This performance sounds rough. Cattle is trying to sound like a feitsy honky-tonk club-rousing country singer here but she lacks the charisma to carry off this song well. She sounds too rehearsed and self-conscious for a song that requires her to stomp one foot and ask the house to stand up and dance in abandon with her. You know who I think will slay everyone with this song? Jessica Sierra who deserves to be here as much as if not more than Cattle Underwood. As it is, Cattle does sound better later in the song when she manages to raise her voice over the band that is threatening to drown her out completely, but all in all, a too subdued performance when she should be letting her hair down and partying. It's not her talent that is holding her back here, but rather, Cattle's wretchedly wallpaper stage presence.

Randy Randy finds the performance "okay" before pointing out that while he is glad that Cattle has returned to her "country roots", he feels that Cattle was always "under", pitch-wise. He is struggling to explain why he feels the performance was off but the gist is, he finds the performance just "okay". Miss Paula, forced to be sober after she has spent the better part of last week insisting to all and sundry that she is not on drugs, says that Cattle showed her personality in that performance but not her vocal abilities. Why, because she didn't hit a high note and went "EEEEEE!" like a kettle? King Tut cops out by saying that he didn't understand the country genre but he feels that her fans will "absolutely love" her for her performance. King Tut wants Cattle to be on the show so much, it's not even funny anymore.

Sleazebag and Cattle have their rehearsed post-performance chatter where she reveals that she has no problems memorizing the lyrics of that song because she is already familiar with that song. Too bad she's not as familiar with the showmanship needed to pull that performance off.

After the commercial break, Sleazebag spots Kewpie in the audience and makes Kewpie stand up and say hi to everyone. Sleazebag then digs into Kewpie by "playfully" suggesting that it was great for Kewpie to show up in the audience and risk his career like that. Obviously there is still some bad blood between Kewpie and the show, heh. I wonder who Kewpie is rooting for this season. I can't find the answer through Google and I'm terrified of wading through a Kewpie fanboard to find out, oh well, but I have a suspicion that it may be the next guy.

The next guy is, of course, Bo. Let's go to Helena, Alabama. Bo lives in what looks like a nicely renovated trailer home. Bo's girlfriend, Gal Bice, who has Amber Benson eyes if you watch Buffy, says that he loves his guitars and has a collection of them. Dang, Ma Bice is even sexier than I am while Da Bice can pass himself off as Kenny Rogers. Ma Bice says that she wanted Bo to perform gospel music but rock is the path he chose, so oh well. Clips of a young Bo Bice rocking it out in unbuttoned shirt - mmmm, unbuttoned shirt - follow as Bo says that his focus has always been and will always be music.

Bo comes out in an outfit best described as Jesus gone Rastafarian. I love, love, LOVE the brightly-colored long-sleeved loose hippie shirt, the tacky sunglasses, and the contradiction between his unkempt stubble and his brightly glossy hair that must be dipped in million-dollar designer conditioner. The camera cuts to his Sugarmoney bandmates who are in attendance in the audience before going back to Bo as he launches into Gavin DeGraw's I Don't Want To Be. Or, if you're a seventeen-year old girl, that One Tree Hill song, although you can keep Chad Michael Murray and his dinner-plate nipples and leave James Lafferty to me. And gosh, this performance is awesome for me. Vocally, as always, he sounds eeriely near-perfect that I can't find any fault with his singing. He also rocks out this song perfectly, having the right attitude to carry the song. Because he is so convincing as a rock star, when he rocks out a song all about how he wants to be true to himself, the performance comes off like a raw and honest statement rather than a pretentious attempt to establish himself as the real deal. I must warn people to take my critique of Bo's performance with a grain of salt though because at this point I think I've passed the point of no return when it comes to Bo-fangirlhood. When I go and download his songs with Sugarmoney, I think I am incapable of objectivity where Bo is concerned!

As if on cue once the performance is over, the camera cuts to someone holding a sign in the audience: "Bo Rox, U Sux". I have a feeling that the cameraman has spotted that sign earlier and is just waiting for a chance to use it for a shot, heh.

The audience just won't stop screaming and clapping as Randy Randy tries to speak. He can only watch with bemusement until the crowd quiets down to a level where he can hear himself before he speaks. He tells Bo that America has finally found a true rock star in Bo. I think some rock stars and rock fans are shuddering in disgust at that statement but in the context of this show, Bo is the rock star. Miss Paula goes, "I Don't Want To Be Anyone Other Than Me - that totally described yourself!" She tells Bo that he was incredible because he stayed true to himself. King Tut says that Bo had regained his confidence because for the second week in a row Bo is the strongest contestant "so far". Since Bo is the second performer on the show, the whole "so far" deal means less than it seems to be at first, doesn't it? King Tut hopes that Bo will drop those "Lenny Kravitz sunglasses" though because he feels that they went out from style in 1988.

Sleazebag and Bo discuss the sunglasses, where Bo reveals that he loves them because he thinks that they look like they cost six hundred dollars when in truth he paid only six dollars for them. Did I tell you that I am irrationally infatuated with Bo? I can't even make Bocaine or Blow Bice jokes in light of revelations of his drug-busted past. That's how sad I am.

Vonzell invites everyone to Fort Myers, Florida for her glimpse of her life and family. Do you know that she loves her Daddy so much? Daddy taught her martial arts and she made so much noise at it that her voice teacher got mad because Vonzell showed up for classes sounding hoarse. Oh, the things these contestants believe that I will find amusing! Her two brothers, both of whom look like they are long-lost Wayan brothers, are amusing though as they try to hawk Vonzell T-shirts and pretend to cry on TV. They are so much fun, they should try out for the next season.

Vonzell's song is Christina Aguilera's I Turn To You. I don't know why she tries to tackle power ballads so often because contrary to Sleazie calling her a diva, Vonzell's voice is arguably the weakest among the Six. She has no body or volume in her voice and when she sings a power ballad, like now, she is like a leaky steamer. The odd raw and obviously wrong notes keep popping up here and there as if she has no control over what comes out from her mouth. Her tendency to abuse her vibrato is annoying as well. Her performance becomes more glaring in its weaknesses towards the end. She ends the performance by telling her father that she loves him. That's a nice touch to reel in the votes, I must say, because heaven knows, the last thing most of the electorate base their votes on is the quality of the performance.

Randy Randy and Miss Paula act as if Vonzell has just knocked Diana Ross off the throne in a battle of the divas. I don't know what they are listening to but I suspect that they are dancing to their own agendas more than anything else. King Tut says that he doesn't think the performance was as good as Vonzell thinks it was because he is sure that the performance was flat in the beginning. Everyone boos him because that's what the audience is programmed to do.

Sleazebag and Vonzell talk about how Vonzell won't speak on Tuesdays because she wants to conserve her voice. He tries to make some Post-It jokes but as usual falls flat on his Botoxed face. Vonzell should try not speaking on Mondays as well as Tuesdays because girlfriend here really needs to learn how to control her voice.

After the commercial break, Sleazebag chats with Heather Locklear, who has brought her daughter Ava along with Ava's friend Taylor. Heather looks like she wants Ava to announce that Ava loves Conty Bint (Heather is seen at the end of Conty Bint's performance doing a Miss Paula-style standing and clapping) but Ava says that she loves Trachea Boi. Of course. One of the prerequisites to Trachea Boi love if you are not a full-blown pedophile is the absence of puberty - another reason why Trachea Boi should never, ever throw concerts.

Speaking of the lad himself, Trachea Boi introduces his family in Trevose, Pennsylvania. His parents, whose names I believe are Zagornya Pieterov Humbalino and Anastacya Magyarini Catalaina, cry and cry and cry and cry. They say that Trachea Boi, whose real name is Ayatollah Cornymeini Affaszani, loves to sing since he was a blastula, and cry and cry and cry. They hold up a photo of Trachea Boi and cry and cry and cry. They play the gurglings of Trachea Boi as a brat singing and cry some more. Anastacya says that Trachea Boi is living out everyone's dream and bursts into tears. Zagornya says "Dream!" and weeps like a broken man. Both say "Dream!" one more time and collapse into each other's arms while weeping. Zagornya says, "Dream! Dreams! Ayatollah! Dream maker!" He then heaves and sobs uncontrollably. Meanwhile, Trachea Boi, smiling pleasantly, says to the camera that some dreams are happening to him for the right reasons. Man, these people are weird.

Wearing his smart "I lost my virginity in this outfit!" suit, Trachea Boi cheesily launches into Celine Dion's I Surrender. I don't know. I guess one can argue that this is his best performance to date but I find that he is working too hard to reach the glory notes and it shows. The way his eyes droop downwards as he opens his mouth and tries to hit the high notes only to fail - ugh, he's rather painful to watch. Still, as overladen with corn as this performance is, Trachea Boi sounds better than Cattle and Vonzell.

Zagornya, in the audience, notices that the camera is on him so he stands up to hold the sign "Ayatollah We Are Proud Of You!" Yes he is, and apparently, even more so when the camera is rolling on Zagornya. For some reason he believes that he is holding the sign upside down (he isn't) so he brings down the sign turns it around so that he can check. Hilarious.

Randy Randy thinks that Trachea Boi delivered the high notes well but his lower register needed work. But Trachea Boi deliberately started out lower than usual because he knew he needed to do this in order to reach the high notes, so I don't think Trachea Boi has any other option in this. Miss Paula says that the "referrence" was Kelly Cluckson's performance of this song in season one and then doesn't complete her sentence, jumping instead to saying that this is Trachea Boi's best performance to date. Whatever, Miss Paula. How sad that staying away from her favorite pills doesn't make her any more lucid or coherent. King Tut personally hates the performance but believes that Trachea Boi's fans would lap it down. He commends Trachea Boi for knowing how to pander to his fans. When Trachea Boi actually sees his fans - prepubscent girls and fat pedophiles - he would wish that he has pandered to a different crowd, I'd bet. Oh well, he'll learn.

Sleazebag asks Trachea Boi why he picks a Celine Dion song. Trachea Boi mentally flicks through his dictionary of generic and meaningless phrases and selects, "It touches my heart!" I'd bet.

Conty Bint invites people to Brooklyn, New York, where it is revealed that Conty Bint is actually Lurch the Butler's brother. Mama Bint, who looks like Swoosie Kurtz after a botched face lift, and Lurch all praise Conty Bint for being a great pop singer. I wish Conty Bint has listened to them more often because his version of Nickelback's How You Remind Me is one of the most hysterically awful performances I've ever seen in all four seasons of this show. Firstly, as much as he tries to imitate the voice of the lead singer of Nickelback Chad Kroeger, his voice is higher so he sounds like a drunk frat boy on a karaoke machine. Secondly, he seems to have lost all sense of pitch and ends up just shouting and banging his head throughout the performance. He valiantly runs around, bangs head with the background singers, and finishes with a dramatic pose on stage but the entire performance is indescribably bad. It ranks up there with British hooligans gone wild after a soccer match when it comes to train wrecks of the finest order - the kind that is so good that someone is bound to get hurt at the end of the day. Bo could have carried off this song since his voice is closer in similarity to Chad Kroeger's and therefore the song wouldn't strain his voice the way it did Conty Bint's, so maybe these two should have switched songs as I could see Conty Bint pulling off Gavin DeGraw better than Nickelback. Seriously, even Radiohead, Pulp, the Killers, Franz Ferdinand, or sheesh, even Suede would be a better option for his tenor. Why Nickelback? Good grief.

This performance highlights Conty Bint's biggest problem. He can be a rock star but he will be a different rock star than Bo. Bo's style leans towards old-school no-nonsense rock hailing back to the days of the Allman Brothers and Def Leppard while Conty Bint is better off combining theatrical leanings and jazzy elements with rock like Queen used to do and what his Rent forefathers Adam Pascal and Anthony Rapp are doing currently. I wonder whether Conty Bint knows what he is good at. Maybe he does. I've listened to some Prayer for the Soul of Betty material and those materials are what he generally sounds best at doing. It's unfortunate that the American Idol setlist doesn't allow him to fully explore these avenues and realize his potential on the show.

Anyway, on to the judges. Randy Randy says that he always keeps it real so he'd have to admit that Conty Bint is lucky that he has so many female fans. Randy Randy personally doesn't like the performance because, as he puts it, "I felt like I was sitting in a bar at any town in America" during that performance. He calls the performance "high on performing and low on vocals". He adds, "The performance is great but the singing was like a 5." Miss Paula says that it is okay that Conty Bint didn't showcase too much of his vocals because it was nonetheless a great performance. Gosh, Miss Paula is making sense in a way. I'm scared. King Tut chuckles and says that when Conty Bint left his band (which he didn't, actually, since he and the band have recently inked a record deal with the same label that inflicted William Hung on the world) he has joined the "Dark Side... or Light Side". King Tut's point is that Conty Bint sounds better when he's crooning so when Conty Bint decides to go back to rock sounds, he didn't come off as "real".

Sleazebag tells Conty Bint that Conty Bint reminds him of Kewpie. What can Conty Bint say to that other than "Interesting"? If that is a valiant attempt by Sleazebag to rally Kewpinites to Conty Bint's side, I don't think it is working too well as from what I can see, the Kewpinites are putting angel wings and halo on Bo this season. Unfortunately.

Get your hankies ready, people, because Ape Boy and his parents, Ape Dad and Ape Mom, will do their best to convince the world that we are all like Ape Boy, we aspire to be Ape Boy, and we should be happy that we are fat, ugly, and badly-behaved like Ape Boy. Ape Mom insists that there are a million Ape Boys on the streets of Cleveland, Ohio. If I am a telephone manufacturer, I may consider moving my business there because these people must need to replace their phones often since they are all like Ape Boys, throwing phones at helpless pregnant girlfriends, isn't that right, Ape Mom? Ape Mom insists that Ape Boy is safe and cuddly and will never hurt anyone. So why is there a restraining order placed on him by the local high school again? Ape Boy insists that he is like you and me, an ordinary guy, which is why that I must vote for him. Ape Mom insists that Ape Boy is the heart and soul of America. In a moment of clarity, I'm glad that I'm not American. Who wants to be ordinary, anyway? I'd rather be unique, special - me. The Ape Clan is saying that I should be proud to be mediocre as long as I stick with the herd. Thus in a short video clip, Ape Boy has gone from a horrific nuisance on the show into a symbol of anti-intellectualism and pro-mediocrity. How do they say it again? Ah yes. HATE. Anyone wondering why Ape Boy is still on the show at the end of the day can look at this video clip one more time.

His song is, in keeping with his theme of making his life come off as even more tragic and pathetic than it actually is, Luther Vandross' Dance With My Father. I love this song. I still shudder at how Ape Boy butchers the song with his blatantly off-key singing during the falsetto parts. Unfortunately, he's in falsetto too often to give the performance any redeeming value. It's a total 180 from his performance last week when he was flat at the lower to middle register but good at the high notes. Here, he's exactly the opposite.

The judges except for Miss Paula (duh) don't like his performance at all. King Tut, having never learned from his Jasmelisma debacle last season, tells Ape Boy to pack his bags tonight.

Sleazie poses with the Six, thanks the people who keep him employed, and goes out. The camera pans to a sign before the show fades out: "Seniors for Ape Boy". Maybe they are seniors who write love letters to prisoners on Death Row or something?

Results show. Sleazebag stands at the back of the audience and says that the show is getting really serious because things are harder each week. Why, that's because King Tut and Randy Randy are asking for Viagra to be dissolved in the vodka they try to pass off as Coke on the show! Sleazebag wonders who is in and who is out tonight. Since I can't stand five out of the six contestants left, to be honest I'm happy as long as someone goes. That way, I can be assured that the season will end soon and not last forever like I'm starting to fear. And now, credits.

Ryan "Yesterday, cream. Today, black!" Sleazebag comes out in black suit and white shirt ensemble to welcome the audience to the show. The audience is in control, he says, and wonders what the audience has done. Or hasn't done, he amended, before launching into his now tired "Why didn't you vote? Uncle Nigel needs a new car, you heartless people!" spiel. He then introduces the judges and recaps last night. Between last night and now, he has figured out a name for the theme: "Songs of the New Millennium". That sounds nicer than "Whatever", doesn't it?

After the break, Sleazebag does his job, as do Pomelo Anderson and the rest of the cast of Stacked: to promote that new TV series. Christopher Lloyd looks like he wants to be anywhere else but in the audience, by the way, while Pomelo gives a well-rehearsed answer about how the Pomelo clan at home can't decide between the blonde one and the rockers when it comes to whom they should vote for. I like that answer. I think I'll borrow it for my next party that I attend when I want to pretend that I have never watched a single episode of this show. Sleazebag then pretends to enjoy getting a peek at Pomelo's stack when in truth he's envious of them because he wants a pair too but those annoying show producers won't let him.

Now it's the group song time and the lucky song that gets to be butchered is Emotions, which Sleazebag says qualify as a song of the new millennium being that Destiny's Biatches covered the Bee Gees song within the last five years. I don't know how to describe this performance without having to use a retch emoticon. All six of them manage to sound out of tune. Cattle is grinning throughout the performance. I wonder whether she finds this song harder to understand than MacArthur's Park. Vonzell can cut diamonds with her piercingly sharp attempts at ad-libbing, cementing her reputation as a really poor man's Trenyce once and for all. Bo has an expression on his face that suggests that he knows that his rocker buddies are rolling on the floor laughing at the sight of him singing a bloody Bee Gees song on TV. Only Trachea Boi looks genuinely happy singing this song. Let me guess, the song touches his heart too?

And then, a Ford clip with 20th Century Boy butchered over Trachea Boi in an assortment of potted plant, wallpaper, and lampshade disguises using a remote control to terrorize the others with a remote control Ford. Kewpie is in the audience, clapping lifelessly after the clip with a stunned expression on his face. When the maestro of cheese finds it perplexing, it must be really that bad.

After the commercial break, Sleazebag thanks everyone who bought the charity CD for making it the bestselling single in America and asks them to buy some more because that way, Uncle Nigel can buy a new car, er, the American Red Cross can buy some new cars to make the million fat poor ugly losers in Cleveland, Ohio happy. Or something. He also asks people to visit the official website to check out the tour dates, buy tickets for the tour, and check out the picture of Ape Boy in a pretty new dress. Oh, and buy the American Idol magazine as well while you're at it. Buy, buy, buy!

And now, the moment of truth. Sleazebag says that as a proof of how massive the show is, the person leaving tonight has collected a total of 35 million votes over the entire season. And now, he will begin the proceedings by diving the Six into two groups. Vonzell will go to the far side of the stage. Let's call this group the Vees. Cattle will stand beside Sleazebag. That group will be the Cees. Bo will join the Cees. Oops, there goes the suspense again! Trachea Boi joins the Vees. He and Vonzell smile at each other, the smile of the damned. Now it's down to Conty Bint and Ape Boy remaining seated on the Grill. Sleazebag then cruelly asks them to join which group they believe they are part of! And instead of hugging each other and announcing that they are making their own group called the Ape Bint, those two rush to stand with the Cees! Vonzell laughs - good for her that she sees genuine humor in what could easily be seen as a cruel cut by other people.

Sleazebag reveals that the Cees are indeed the highest vote-getters of the Six. He asks the audience who among Conty Bint and Ape Boy should be with the Cees. The audience screams Conty Bint's name. He then tells Conty Bint that he is in the wrong group and he should be among the Vees - the lowest vote-getters. Ape Boy cackles with glee - really, he does, watch the episode again - as the audience gasp in horror when Conty Bint, looking stunned, takes the walk to the Vees. I don't think that these people are told who are in the Bottom Three beforehand this week because Conty Bint's surprise seems genuine.

Randy Randy says that he is shocked by the people in the Bottom Three and then contradicts himself by saying that nothing surprises him anymore on this show. He should take a stance and stick with it consistently, if you ask me. Miss Paula babbles incoherently. Sleazebag reminds King Tut that he told Ape Boy to pack his bags last night and neener-neener, Ape Boy is still here today. Ape Boy nods - dang right! King Tut says that he'd personally send Ape Boy home if he has any say in the matter but if Ape Boy manages to earn, say, six million votes tonight, he deserves every vote so good for Ape Boy, really.

Vonzell is safe so she happily joins the three on the Grill. Sleazebag once more taunts the audience for not voting for these two men left in the Bottom Three, thus insulting those people who did vote for Conty Bint and Trachea Boi, and then announces, "Conty Bint... you... ... are... ... ... goinghometonight!" The audience erupts into pandemonium. Trachea Boi stands still in his place for a heartbeat, shocked that he's still here on the show. The camera cuts to the contestants seated on the Grill. Ape Boy looks stunned. Bo looks pleased. Vonzell looks like she's thinking, "Da-yum, does that mean that I have a chance at winning now? Cool!" Cattle looks like her brain can't compute the possibility of what is happening and her system is shutting down now. Miss Paula starts crying. In view of all those allegations that she's sleeping with the contestants that caught her fancy, it's not wise of her to blubber to Sleazebag about how "this" has to happen "every season" and how she can't think of anything more to say, boo hoo hoo, but Miss Paula is never a wise person, is she?

Sleazebag introduces Conty Bint's eulogy clip and Miss Paula keeps crying as she presses her forehead to Mama Bint's while Conty Bint launches into a comparatively better performance of You Remind Me. Comparatively better than the performance of last night anyway. Cattle stares blankly ahead as she mouths the words of the song while Bo just watches and claps happily, er, sadly. May I ask why Vonzell is smiling and jumping happily? I bet she's thinking, "Hah! Think you're too good to be with the Vees, don't you? Hah! HAH!" And with that, Conty Bint is out of the show and a million conspiracy theories fly. What amuses me to no end is that in all those media and fan speculations about why Conty Bint got cut (he had a record deal behind the show so he was punished, VFTW people, missing votes Florida-style, et cetera), no one mentions that perhaps Conty Bint's horrific performance scared everyone away. I'm glad that no one is even pretending that talent has anything to do with the show anymore! On with the show! Ape Boy for American Idol!