Season 4: Bless the Broken Road

This is another week where off-show drama is more interesting than the episode itself, thanks to Corey Vanilli from Season Two spilling the beans on what most people already suspected: he had an affair with Miss Paula, with that silly woman subsequently feeding him some sort of inside information like themes and coaching him on song choices, among other things. Only a dim-witted cow will believe that Corey just wants the truth to be known, not when he has a crappy book and a crappier CD to promote along with his allegations. Frankly, the whole drama bores me silly because it's not as if the affair is anything of a surprise. And Trenyce, I love ya gal, but you have to let go of the bitterness and stop talking about having inside information that you can't reveal. Right now you look like a bitter cow.

Anyway, on with the episode. Ryan Sleazebag announces that once the "contestants filled a stadium, now you can count them with one hand". I believe that he is trying to say that the numbers are down to Five but... man, that came out so wrong. Sleazie, way to go in reminding us that Ruben can't even get a concert off the road in a halfway decent manner, especially when these are indeed turbulent times for the show!

After the credits, Sleazie shows up on stage in a white shirt with squares all over it under a dark jacket. He cups his ear to the screaming audience and then makes gestures to get them to raise the volume. That way, we don't get to hear Miss Paula's sobs of bitterness and despair as she realizes that there is a good chance that she won't be asked to return in the next season. And all this over... Corey Vanilli, that slimeball? Sheesh, she can at least get fired over some stereotypical beefcake like Gigolo Al, instead of a skeevy sister-beater who looks like he is no friend of personal hygiene! The camera zooms to Cheryl Ladd in the audience. She starred in a TV movie called Every Mother's Worst Fear back in 1988. Maybe she is here hoping to persuade someone to cast her in the 2005 remake adapted to Miss Paula's current sad story. She will console Miss Paula, her daughter, as she tells Miss Paula stoically, "Paula, this is every mother's worst fear - that her innocent daughter contracts herpes from a tuneless sister-beater - but we will get over it, dear. We just need to be strong! Here, be a good gal and take your aciclovir!" Meanwhile, the camera cuts to a sign in the audience that says "We Heart Sleazebag". That guy must be paid to carry that sign.

Sleazebag proceeds to flog his increasingly tired "Didn't you vote? Vote, vote, vote!" spiel, introduces the judges, and cuts to the faked flashback clip. Sleazebag says as he walks into the Red Room, "And then there are five!" Ape Boy does a decent impersonation of Randy Randy as he goes, "Yeah, yeah!" Sleazebag asks the Five whether they know of the name Lieber and Stoller. Bo says that they are the people responsible for Ben E King's Stand By Me. Sleazebag adds that those two are responsible for many of Elvis Presley's gems like Jailhouse Rock and My Heart Stopped When I Pushed Too Hard While Trying To Take A Dump. Since there is now time for the Five to sing two songs each, they can pick any song from any of this week's Billboard charts to sing for their second performance. "This week" refers to the week ending April 30, of course. So there you go, the theme of this episode. "Old Music" and "Very New Music".

Sleazebag first introduces a tribute clip to Lieber and Stoller, mentioning their many hits like Hound Dog and how they are celebrated today for their vast work of hit records. The audience pretend to care and applaud accordingly.

Kicking off the show is Trachea Boi, who says that he will be singing Poison Ivy, originally by the Coasters, because it is a "wacky song to sing" and he will have fun with the song because he is a "goofball". I want to know whose idea is it for him to put on this atrocious accent that makes him come off like William Hung commanding the karaoke on Hong Kong Roasted Duck Rice Night. Seriously, he sounds like a bad karaoke singer singing in heavy Cantonese-accented English in Chinatown. The singing is flat but I'm more concerned with how much this performance sounds like a reject from Willing Hung's CD. Needless to say, this performance is truly appalling on every level. The tubby saxophonists they keep cutting to during Trachea Boi's "I Wanna Be William Hung" performance are cute though.

The camera cuts to the Trachea Clan, with his father holding the same "Ayatollah We Are Proud Of You" sign as last week, before cutting to the judges. Randy Randy denounces the performance as "out of tune at the beginning" although he thinks that Trachea Boi pulled himself together towards the end of the song. He doesn't think much of the performance. I have a laugh when the camera cuts to Trachea Boi's parents booing while a young man - Trachea Boi's brother, perhaps? - tries to hush the parents so that Miss Paula can speak up next. Parents can be so embarrassing to be seen with in public, I know. Poor Trachea Bro! Miss Paula says this is her favorite Leiber and Stoller song and she is glad that Trachea Boi was having fun with the song, although she does not want to sleep with him, of course. However, she admits that she is a bigger fan of his ballads, not that this is an invitation for him to sleep with her, and hopes to hear his next performance. Hmm, she has just announced that Trachea Boi is singing a ballad next. King Tut chuckles and asks her whether she liked the performance. She asks him whether the glass is half empty, although she wants everyone to know that there is not a single trace of body fluids of male American Idol contestants in her glasses. Ever. King Tut answers, "Less than half!" He turns to Trachea Boi and calls the performance "insipid" and "amateurish". He adds that Trachea Boi is lucky to have a second opportunity to wow the audience.

Sleazebag asks Trachea Boi why his spectacles have made a comeback tonight. Trachea Boi says that it is tough to wear contacts when he has to jump around on stage. Jump around on stage? I must have blinked sometime in his performance to miss his frenetic jumping around.

Ape Boy is up next. In the Top Five, coming on second is always a curse on the show. Just ask RJ, Trenyce, and Huff Granddaddy, all of whom got cut in fifth place and who performed second in the respective episode in their seasons. Three out of three can't be wrong, I'm just saying. In his clip, Ape Boy says that King Tut said last week that Ape Boy should be packing his bags, but he wants everyone to know that he is not leaving until he is a star on Broadway! Okay, that is an awkward way to say that he will be performing George Benson's On Broadway (as opposed to the Drifters' version), but it will do, I suppose. His performance is actually one of the best from him in a long time. He walks into the audience and sings to King Tut, who laughs when Ape Boy sings-sneers at his face, "They say that I won't last too long!" The performance does not have the most exciting arrangement as it is basically Ape Boy repeating the same riff again and again, but at least he's in tune and he pulls through nicely at the end on a high note.

Because Ape Boy must go before more people hop onto the Vote For The Worst bandwagon and truly ruin the show, Randy Randy points out there is some pitch problems but he's glad that Ape Boy always pulls through every week. The mode of operation, people, is to lull Ape Boy fans into complacency and whip another fan contingent into a voting frenzy so that Ape Boy will go at the end of the episode. Miss Paula accidentally gives the game away when, after insisting that Ape Boy has "moxie" (which is not, Miss Paula wants this to be clear, any euphemism or slang for sexual activity of any sort), she says that he is singing to King Tut as if he is going to stay on the show (sic). King Tut says that Ape Boy has more escapes than a cockroach but hey, he says that this performance is Ape Boy's best. So Ape Boy fans don't have to vote so many times now, hurrah!

Vonzell will be performing Elvis Presley's Treat Me Nice because she believes that it will - yes, that's right - "show" her "personality" and allow her to "have some fun". These generic platitudes are so, so meaningless. Nonetheless, this is the best I've ever heard from her so far. She gives this song a Whitney-esque spin, plugging it with playful inflections. Unlike her previous performances where bad notes creep up often, her performance here is carefully controlled, nearly air-tight from bad notes, and well interpreted.

Randy Randy boasts of his credentials as a producer and says that Vonzell has one of the best vocals that he has ever heard. Miss Paula agrees, not because she sleeps with Vonzell or anything, of course. King Tut says that he needs to talk with Randy Randy though because King Tut personally finds the "elements" of the performance okay but thinks the overall performance "a bit of a mess", with it being "childish, cutesy, and all over the place". He is only saying this to get Vonzell fans into a voting frenzy, I'd bet. Randy Randy wants King Tut to clarify whether he found Vonzell's voice or attitude "all over the place" because Randy Randy cannot believe that King Tut will find the vocals lacking. King Tut insists that "the package" is all over the place. Oh dear, don't tell me that Vonzell is really a man in drag? Randy Randy can't believe that King Tut is serious. Sleazebag roots for those two men to fight. Vonzell, in the meantime, gives a shout-out to the US Postal Services people because she loves them nearly as much as she loves her Daddy.

Bo is up next. I never realize until now that Bo has such big ears. Hmm. He and his Glory Be Pantene hair will be singing Ben E King's Stand By Me today and... er, that's it. He doesn't pretend that the song will show off his personality or that he will have fun with it. Why? Because he's not trying to pretend that he's a silly little kid on a kiddie show. He's the man, baby! And he brings on the Scruffy Bearded Hotness sex appeal and oomph into an overplayed song. Has this song ever been sexy? It is now. Watching and listening to Bo singing that he will stand by me and be my friend in that smooth sexy baritone of his make me feel that I am young again and standing among the audience in a concert, wide-eyed in silly infatuation for the guy standing on the stage. He drops a little of the beautiful understatement in his performance in the second chorus, kicking up the volume a notch and ad-libbing like a pro over the dulcet background vocals before finishing the performance with a glory note that I never know he has in him. Like they would say in Livejournals of thirteen-year old girls, Bo is TEH SEX!!!! and TEH GOODNESS!!!! and I am like those overenthusiastic ladies in the front row standing up and jumping up and down excitedly at him.

The camera cuts to several pro-Bo signs in the audience before turning to the judges. I am afraid to ask what that sign "You Can't Sell Bo Action Figures" actually means. "Bo For President" is cool. "Bo For Jesus" is even cooler. Randy Randy loves the fact that Bo knows who he is and what songs he should sing. For some reason, he adds that he knows what Bo should sing and Bo makes a subtle "Oh please!" expression of disgust at Randy Randy's presumption. Heh. Miss Paula says that she can't criticize Bo anymore. She is just here, she says, to "enjoy him". Not that, mind you, she intends to put her mouth on any part of Bo, just to make this clear. "It's always great when you pick a song that young and old can sing along," she gushes, before dropping the punchline, "You go all over and color it up with Bo!" King Tut agrees with the other two and say that Bo picked the best song "by a mile".

Cattle will be performing Elvis Presley's Trouble because she feels that it is a "real sassy song". Whatever that means. She comes out with Debbie Gibson hair again, and as it behooves her to borrow Bo's Pantene just as she runs her hands all over him every opportunity she gets, she also borrows Bo's way with twirling the microphone stand in her performance. Methinks some self-proclaimed innocent farm gal wants some real man to paint the town red, so to speak. Vocal-wise, Cattle is in top form, making me think of cabaret extravanganzas. She even pulls off the rapidfire "I'm evil evilevilevil" parts convincingly. Unfortunately, watching her is another matter. She is so self-conscious on stage that every shake of her butt seems premeditated. When she kicks her microphone stand right before she launches into the upbeat "I'm evilevilevilevil" part of the performance, she is more stiff and awkward than sassy. I don't know how Cattle can fix this problem of hers but she really needs to find a way to stop coming off as so awkward and even embarrassing to watch when she tries to show personality on stage. When someone, say, Vonzell, performs, the personality shines through without effort. Cattle, however, seems like she has to spend six weeks in commando training just to get herself to kick the microphone stand. I can easily imagine her thinking as she sways her butt robotically on stage, "Did I sway hard enough? Should I sway more the next time? Did the camera capture my smile enough? Do I look happy enough?"

All three judges say that they love her performance. Miss Paula says that Cattle had a blast but she wants all to know that Cattle isn't having a blast with Miss Paula. Not even close, people, okay?

With that, Old Music is done. Best? I have a hard time deciding between Cattle, Bo, and Vonzell, but Trachea Boi is easily the worst.

Out with the old, in with the new. Sleazebag stands among the audience and says that the Five will be talking in their introduction clip about what their fifteen minutes of fame mean to them.

Trachea Boi says that his life has taken a new meaning since he first stepped on some red carpet thingie. How nice for him. His song is the Backstreet Boys' comeback single Incomplete. The audience don't seem to get into his performance as they don't even applaud once like they tend to do at other times. I love the song though, although I can't say that I'm proud to admit that fact. The song is a classic Backstreet Boys epic ballad that I am a sucker for, complete with Gun 'N Roses power ballad overtones, so how can I resist Incomplete? It is also the perfect song for Trachea Boi as it sounds good even when oversung like he tends to do. The final, drawn-out glory-noted "Incomple-eee-ee-te!" is more shaky than triumphant though.

Randy Randy thinks that there are pitch problems and Trachea Boi ranks a five compared to the Backstreet Boys. Hmm, I don't think that Trachea Boi did that poorly. Anyway. Miss Paula thinks there are some bad notes but overall, she believes that the song suits Trachea Boi perfectly. King Tut agrees with her and goes even further, saying that Trachea Boi "did really well" in that performance. Sleazebag stands beside Trachea Boi and says that this song is currently at #28 on Billboard Hot 100. As if I care about the Payola Hot 100, really.

Ape Boy says that previously he likes to dress himself but now he has his own fashion coordinator. How nice for him. He'll have the memories of fashion coordination when he sings at Bucky Bo's Fried Chicken Pit three months from now. His song is Brian McKnight's lead single from his new CD Gemini, Everytime You Go Away. I surprise myself by thinking that Ape Boy's performance is close to being as good as Brian McKnight's version of that song. Brian McKnight is one tough guy to cover and Ape Boy botched up One Last Cry but in this one, Ape Boy performs a near-perfect note-by-note mimicry of the original song in a manner that reminds me why I liked his voice so much when he first showed up in the audition episodes.

Randy Randy pretty much repeats his previous praise for Ape Boy in this performance. Great song choice, pulled it off at the end, the usual. Miss Paula says that Ape Boy is a joy to watch. Ape Boy then opens his mouth and eats his own foot, saying that he is performing this week only for King Tut's benefit because, as he says, he isn't going home this week. Way to go to killing an excellent performance with an off-putting attitude, Ape Boy! King Tut says that Ape Boy is more flat and out-of-tune in this performance compared to the previous one. Ape Boy asks him, "So what?" He must really believe that the Vote For The Worst will save his bum, I suppose. He should stop believing the press because VFTW is not that powerful. Sleazebag asks Ape Boy what he is thinking when he is performing and Ape Boy says that he is thinking of what he should be singing next week. He then laughs at his own joke and places a hand on Sleazebag's shoulder to collect himself. Sleazebag looks like he wants to scream and swat at the hand but being a professional host, he just prattles on about how people can vote for Ape Boy. Poor Ape Boy. He is playing right into King Tut's hands. King Tut is using reverse psychology of sorts to lull Ape Boy's fans into complacence and bait Ape Boy until Ape Boy comes off looking like a total asshole on TV. That is why King Tut is so awesome sometimes.

Sleazebag tries to rescue his hand from Randy Randy's overexcited pumping (don't ask) as he introduces Vonzell.

Vonzell loves the photoshoots that come with fame and fortune. Again, another predictable and insipid clip from her. Her song is Diana Ross' When You Tell Me That You Love Me, which qualifies for this theme because the cover by the finalists is at the top of the singles chart. I don't know why she is singing this song. Do we need to hear this song again? And what is she telling the audience? "I'm too lazy to memorize words to a new song so I'll just sing a song that I've performed again and again?" Besides, Vonzell is not a power ballad diva no matter how much she tries to be one. The inadequacies of her thin voice is exposed cruelly when she tries to strain for the high notes. Luckily for her, the background singers here manage to cover her flaws well.

Randy Randy loves the performance and repeats that Vonzell has a flawless voice. That man must have eaten all of Miss Paula's pills tonight in a valiant attempt to help Miss Paula remain sober. Miss Paula says that it is "overbearing" to hear the finalists' version of the song (and she means this as a compliment, believe it or not) but she thinks that Vonzell's performance was "beautiful". She's not talking about Vonzell's performance in the bedroom or anything, of course. King Tut disagrees with the two judges, saying that the vocals are weak and Vonzell is vulnerable after having two off-nights in a row. He says that her fans must vote for her tonight. And hopefully send in more votes to her than Ape Boy and knock Ape Boy out of the show, not that he says that aloud, naturally.

Bo is getting his hair done as he talks about how being famous means that people now ask him for autographs. His song is Los Lonely Boys' Heaven. I'm not a fan of that song, which I find utterly dull, but Bo gives a well-controlled fun performance. Still, this performance is a little too much like the boring and safe Bo that bored me in the past.

Randy Randy and Miss Paula pretty much say the same thing, which is Bo picking the correct song to sing once again on the show. Randy Randy says that Bo had "solidified" in his performance. Swoon, now all I need to do is to get that HMMMMM image of a "solidified" Bo out of my mind. King Tut says, "You had a good night tonight, actually, because you're acting and performing like the real thing. You're making some of the other singers in the competition look like amateurs." Sleazebag explains to the audience how to vote for Bo and he and Bo then hold hands and go separate ways only reluctantly to make way for Cattle. Damn, Bo is quite a hussy, letting Cattle and Sleazie feel him up and allowing the judges to service him on live TV like that. That guy sure gets around, hmmph!

Cattle naturally brings up her farm in her clip, where she says that before she was "famous", all she had was a life in her farm but now, her life will "never be the same again". She and Vonzell can start their own greeting card line. Cattle will be singing the Rascal Flatts' Bless The Broken Road. It's a beautiful song with lyrics that, to me, actually feel heartfelt rather than corny like so many country songs tend to come off as to me. In fact, I think it's one of my favorite songs of this year. Because this performance requires Cattle to do what she does best - stand still on stage and sing - Cattle sounds breathtakingly divine here. I am not being facetious here, I am really enthralled by her performance which is all shades of moving. That is, if I don't look at her while she singing because she has this robotic smile on her face that is absolutely not appropriate for this beautiful bittersweet song of love. Does she know what the song is all about? It will not do to smile like an inane dingbat when she is singing lines like "I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you/Every long lost dream lead me to where you are/Others who broke my heart, they were like northern stars/Pointing me on my way into your loving arms". God bless the broken road, Cattle, and may you find a way to grow into a performer.

The camera cuts to pro-Cattle signs in the audience before zooming to the judges. What on earth does "Chloe for Cattle" mean? Anyway, Randy Randy seems to be floored by the performance, saying inarticulately that he'd "buy" that performance. Miss Paula says that at first she expects the performance to be another safe country song performance but concedes that Cattle was "eloquent" and "beautiful". That doesn't mean that she wants to have sex with Cattle or anything, mind you. King Tut says that Cattle "sang it beautifully" but feels that "the performance was a little robotic". He realizes that only now?

Sleazebag poses with the Five, recaps the show, and reminds people that nobody is safe so people must vote, vote, vote. He then thanks everyone for, and I quote, heh, "playing along". Aye, Sleazie, we are fools for the show, playing along even when we know that we are being manipulated. How sad for us all.

Anyway, best of the New Music round? Cattle, definitely, with Ape Boy coming a distant second. I also like the performances by Trachea Boi and Bo so it's a shocking four out of five for me in this round.

Results. Why do we need a results show anyway? It's obvious by now that Bo and Cattle are headed for the finale and it is just a matter of time for the remaining three of the Five. Sleazebag voices over whether everyone out there can handle the results. Unless he's talking about Cattle or Bo being eliminated - upon which civilization will end as we know it because the media outrage will shatter a few continents into pieces at the very least - I think we can handle a Vonzell, Trachea Boi, or Ape Boy boot without breaking into sweat. With that, credits.

Ryan "I'm Wearing Cream Tonight To Show My Support To Miss Paula" Sleazebag and his stubble come out on stage and talk about how the finale is just three weeks away. Yes, by the end of this month I will be free of this show! The show cuts to some signs in the audience. Can someone tell me what "Tar Heels Bo" (yes, let me check again, yup, it's definitely that) means? I think Bo isn't the only one who likes to dip into some coke now and then. Sleazebag says that the Five do not know the results in advance and they will only know at the same time that we do. Normally I'd call his bluff but Ape Boy's reactions later in this show has me suspecting that he's telling the truth for once. Heh. Sleazebag introduces the judges, recaps the episode of the previous night, and asks people to visit the official website where people can read an interview with King Tut ("How I Shouldn't Have Allowed Corey Onto The Show"), buy the official magazine (headline for the latest issue: "Paula Reveals That She Is Actually A Celibate Kabbalah Queen So All Those Rumors Are Not True"), and get tickets for the upcoming "Corey Is Not Invited" tour.

And now it's time for the Five to kill some time by singing Bridge Over Troubled Water, which is loosely connected to the New Music theme only because Michael W Smith, one of my favorite guilty pleasures, took it to #28 in the recent Billboard Adult Contemporary Charts. I'm sure that as a clean-living Friend of Dubya, Michael W Smith heartily approves of Bo "I Was Arrested For Coke Possession In A Strip Club and I May Have Gotten My Girlfriend Pregnant" Bice pretty much commanding this song and running away with it. Too bad the Five don't suddenly burst out with some "magic fingers" dance routine because this overly-serious rendition of an overwrought song is begging for some campy elements to lighten up the mood. Still, Bo's voice harmonizes very well with Ape Boy's. Vonzell and Trachea Boi as usual oversing to ridiculous proportions while Cattle just looks like she's just tagging along for a ride. Cattle and Vonzell finish the performance by pulling out a bouquet of flowers from their bums and offering them to Miss Paula. Not because they are sleeping with Miss Paula or anything, of course, but because they want Miss Paula to know how much they support her in her Time of Duress and Despair. King Tut and Randy Randy grab the bouquets for themselves because nobody buys them flowers anymore. Miss Paula is touched and kisses the two gals sweetly and certainly not in a Britney-Madonna manner.

And now, a Ford clip, where A Message To You Rudy (not to be confused with A Massage For You Corey, a Miss Paula single that certainly does not exist) by the Specials is sung over the Five realizing that they have left a dog, presumably named Rudy, and the Ford key inside the vehicle. They try to tempt Rudy into passing the key to them over a small crack in the window using photos of a white dog (Vonzell, maybe a photo of a black dog will do the trick?), bone-shaped biscuit, and other rubbish. Only when Vonzell promises to marry Rudy does Rudy finally get them the keys, where they all get in and drive to Vegas, where Cattle and her husband, the goat, will be the bridesmaid and the best man respectively to the happy occasion. Or something. This clip blows chunks.

Now it's the moment of truth in Operation Boot Fatty. Sleazie has all Five standing on the dais. Without ado, he turns to Trachea Boi. He wishes the lad a happy birthday because today is his birthday. He's twenty now. "Twenty years old!" Sleazie says lasciviously. "Twenty years young," Trachea Boi corrects him. This conversation has the NAMBLA seal of approval. Sleazie says that Trachea Boi can now return to the Grill. Everyone cheers because it seems that Trachea Boi is safe. Or is he? As he takes a seat, he says to himself, "This is not over yet." Because he looks clearly nervous as he takes a seat, it's safe to say, I think, that he is sure that there is something fishy going on. Sleazebag tells Vonzell to stay on the dais. The crowd start to boo, with Vonzell's mother vigorously standing up and giving the stage a thumbs-down gesture. Sleazie then says that Ape Boy can go back to the seat. Ape Boy throws his head back, smiles evilly, and claps loudly for himself as he happily bounds over to the dais. Trachea Boi shakes his head at Ape Boy and mouths silently, "No, no!" I know that feeling. Ape Boy ignores Trachea Boi and says loudly in satisfaction, "Woo! Woo!" The game is up when Sleazebag asks Bo and Cattle to stay on the dais. At this point, the audience's boos have changed to cheers as it becomes apparent that the ones seated on the Grill are the ones who are in the Bottom Two. Now Vonzell laughs in relief while Ape Boy, seated on the Grill, has a murderous/upset expression on his face. Bwahahaha!

After a commercial break, Ape Boy and Trachea Boi stand at each side of Sleazebag. They can now perform a song. Ape Boy goes first with Everytime You Go Away. It's more or less the same performance as yesterday's. Next, Sleazebag asks the judges for their thoughts on Ape Boy. Randy Randy bluntly says that he doesn't know (read: care) whether Ape Boy will go or stay because all he knows is that the correct people are seated on the Grill. Ouch. Sleazebag makes fun of the fact that Ape Boy stayed on the show last week when King Tut said he would go but he landed in the Bottom Two when King Tut said that Ape Boy gave his best performance ever. Sleazebag asks King Tut whether King Tut ever paid attention to the show. King Tut tries to say that he was actually talking about this week when he asked Ape Boy to pack his bags last week (yeah right) before giving up and attacking Sleazebag's clothes instead. Sleazebag doesn't think much of King Tut's "baby T's" either. I'm hoping that they will rip the clothes they hate so much from each other's person live on TV because this season is so wretchedly low on Sleazie-Tutty Fruity Manlove but hey, I guess this show has to think about not offending the FCC too much. Trachea Boi then follows up with his performance of Incomplete. He actually sounds worse than the previous night, hmm. Randy Randy says after the performance that Trachea Boi needs to treat every performance as if it's his last (no pitch problems, nothing) if he wants to keep staying in the competition. Does it matter? No matter how well you sing, you're screwed if nobody votes for you. Ask Nadia. Randy Randy's advice works if this is a singing competition, but this show is a popularity contest. Anyway, thanks to Randy Randy's blabbing, I know now that Trachea Boi is staying and Ape Boy is going.

Yup, sure enough Trachea Boi gets a birthday gift of sorts when Sleazebag announces that Ape Boy is leaving. Cue the eulogy clip, which is nicely enough mostly free from the tired "The world hates me! I must win because the world owes me a recording deal!" angst that has been Ape Boy's shtick on this show. Instead, Ape Boy talks about dreams, dreams, and more dreams. He then closes the show with On Broadway as the credits roll.

The funny thing is, Ape Boy sounds amazing this week when he gets booted. But that's the way the show works, right? If you tell me a few weeks back that Trenyce and Ape Boy will have something in common to moan and bitch about, I'd never believe it. This show confuses me so much sometimes. In the end, though, does it matter? Vonzell, Trachea Boi, and Ape Boy are just fillers until the inevitable Bo and Cattle showdown. And when that happens, as much as I've been down on this season, I am actually looking forward to the finale because Bo and Cattle in the Final Two would be the best Final Two ever. Or at the very least, a Final Two where the two participants are playing on equal grounds in terms of popularity and talent, something which we haven't seen since Ruben and Kewpie go head-to-head in that finale that launched a thousand screaming idiotic fangirls.