Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
Season 3: This Is It
"The crowd is ready!" everyone's favorite walking bag of smarm and artificial preservatives exclaims, "the contestants are ready! But are you ready, America?" He hopes that is the case because the ratings for this season isn't as good as Uncle Nigel projected in the boardroom, so it's time for the Idol electorate to behave stupid.
The credits roll. Hawaii sends lots of love, America. American Idol, say hi to Canadian Idol.
Ryan "You Can Ring My Bell" Sleazebag (today's Respectable Now colors: pastel and black) walks onstage as the audience screams and waves uniformly-colored and similarly-designed signs to Piggy and Jasmelisma. Yes, the show doesn't pass out signs to the audience, it certainly doesn't, just like Uncle Nigel hasn't been encouraging people to cheer, dance, and wave at Piggy Di Guano's performances for the last few weeks because Uncle Nigel doesn't have a thing for jailbaits like Carmurp, Jasmelisma, and Piggy, no no no. Those are all malicious lies thrown out to mar the family-friendly image of the genuine talent show called American Idol. How could people be so mean?
Anyway, Sleazebag reminds the audience that the votes last week caused the bounce and smile of America's favorite omelette-flipper to leave the building. Or something. But that's Sleazebag - he is all smiles to the contestant face-to-face, but once this contestant is gone, it's back to his unfunny passive-aggressive schtick of rebuking the audience for doing what he asked them to do at the end of every episode while simultaneously mocking the booted contestant at the same time. Sleazebag announces that for today, everyone will travel back to the days when people sported Afros and stuffing themselves into spandex body suits.
Shut up, Sleazebag - I like those days of uninhibited sleaze, when men weren't afraid to be sexy without fearing that their "masculinity" will be tarnished. Seriously, I miss those days when men reveal their sexy hirsute chests and wear nice tight trousers. Today all those guys are so afraid of being perceived as gay, all they do is to wear loose shorts while shaving their chests, armpits, and legs. And Sleazebag, naturally, is the prime example of the sorry state that masculinity has degenerated into.
Sleazebag points out a disco ball that they have moved from his bedroom to Event Horizon here for this week's Disco theme. He says that everyone will be treated to disco oldies today. Speaking of "oldies", he remembers then to introduce the judges.
King "Macho Man" Tut is a "woman's man", Sleazebag says, because one can tell from the way King Tut walks and how King Tut has no time to talk. King Tut mouths a warm and playful but still concerned "Are you okay?" at Sleazebag because we all know that King Tut is Sleazebag's man and Sleazebag is no woman unless he has something done to himself that I don't know about. Sleazebag preens under the man's attention and asks him whether King Tut will hold him later if Sleazebag is not okay. King Tut says, "Absolutely." The Black-Eyed Peas can stop asking where the love is now, because the love lives right there in the loving abode of Tut and Sleazebag.
Miss "Spread Love" Paula is a "seventeenish" dancing queen. She's, after all, young and free, dancing at clubs and fighting off the attentions of horny men. Or something. Miss Paula is delighted at being called "seventeenish" and blows air kisses to Sleazebag.
Poor "Brick House" Randy Randy is predictably and unimaginatively called the Disco Dawg.
Sleazebag introduces the guest judge of the week. Without her, there is no disco, he says, and brings on Noona "Love To Love You Baby" Summer. She is apparently allowed to come out for tonight only from the same Uncle Nigel-financed wax museum where they kept Captain Hook, Siegfriend and Roy, and other guest judges that have ever graced this show because she has the same unnaturally greasy hair and stretched taut leathery skin made even more unnatural by too much Botox, a look that is pretty much the "Guest Judge on American Idol" has-been trademark by now. Noona Summer rubs cheeks with Sleazebag and tells him that she is ready for "this", "this" presumably meaning "sitting down at the judges table and giving useless chatter in return for some money". Sleazebag asks Noona what she is looking for in an American Idol. Noona says that she is looking for uniqueness, star quality, and other nonsense.
The obligatory tribute montage comes on, with Sleazebag reminding everyone of Noona Summer's first big hit single Love To Love You Baby (conveniently glossing over the "orgasm" scandal linked to that song) that was followed by a hit of other singles like Bad Girls and Hot Stuff. There's no mention of her attempt a comeback in the 1990s that didn't go too well. Oh well. Sleazebag concludes the montage by saying that Noona is still the belle of disco. "Americans, they are always behind in being fashionable!" disco afficiandos in Europe sniff as they boogie down to the newest Scissor Sisters CD.
Noona takes her place between King Tut and Miss Paula - the Uglier between Ugly and Ugliest, the Wit-Free between Thinks He's Witty But He's Not and Absolutely Witless. Then it's time for the Four in the Red Room to give their pre-show beauty pageant prattle where Jasmelisma inists that she looks forward to Disco Week because it's fun. Whee, fun! Piggy Di Guano is so excited because she loves disco! I am really impressed at the eloquence and the level of depths these talented young ladies are displaying this season. Fantasia tries not to speak but Sleazebag calls her out and she is forced to blather on that she will do the bobo tonight, but it's a remixed bobo. Sleazebag turns to the camera and announces that for tonight, King Tut will go first in the critique session. The judges try to look surprised even though this is obviously not the first time they've heard of this latest "twist". Sleazebag reassures King Tut that King Tut will do fine at being the first to go. If nerves get the better of King Tut, they can hold each other tight in the bathroom, I guess.
Princess Jasmelisma prances onto the stage, breathlessly calling everybody to "come on" before giggling like an idiot. She launches into Everlasting Love. When she's not singing wretched ballads, this very original young lady is singing songs done by previous American Idol contestants. Oh well. She starts out at a horridly off note and she never recovers. The entire song is performed off-key and even out of tune. By the end of the song, she is just squealing like a pig being roasted on a barbecue spit. This performance isn't just bad - it's completely out of tune and is comparable to some of the bad auditions featured earlier this season. King Tut is shown scrambling out of his seat and ducking behind Noona's seat. I don't blame him. This performance is one of the worst I've seen on American Idol counting the bad audition episodes.
King Tut says that he feels weird going first. Randy Randy asks him whether he feels the intense pressure coming on to King Tut (oh, quit sniggering, you perverts). King Tut tells him no, he can't feel the pressure. Push harder next time, Randy Randy. King Tut tells Jasmelisma that she should know that she is vulnerable tonight. After watching (and listening) to her performance, he feels that she will definitely be the one leaving tomorrow. He calls her performance "a really average karaoke performance", calling her on her bad song choices and "weak" singing. Noona says that the performance is "pretty good" but concedes that there were "pitch problems". She quicky placates Jasmelisma by saying that pitch problems are to be expected when one is performing in front of many people. Right, does that mean that performers are given free pass to suck badly at live performances? Keep hugging the disco ball, Noona, and shut up, thanks.
Miss Paula also agrees about the pitch problems but she thinks that Jasmelisma got "into the groove" at the end (where Jasmelisma shrieks off-key and goes "Wheee!" like an insane homicidal Barbie doll). Oh, and Miss Paula likes Jasmelisma's "Skank For Two Cents" outfit. As she should, I guess. Miss Paula doesn't find Jasmelisma's performance a favorite, but Miss Paula is looking forward to Jasmelisma's next performance. She has chemical support to mask the agony in her ears so it's fine for her to say that, but what about me? Miss Paula is such a selfish twit. Randy Randy agrees with King Tut - the performance was rough. Jasmelisma hit some high notes, Randy Randy observes, but that's about it to the performance.
Sleazebag who once call voters to keep talent on the show now tells America to vote for Jasmelisma if American wants to keep "Jazzy" happy. Is this where I splat the STFU Bitch cake on his face? He announces a commercial break and then does that kiss-kiss muah-muah thing with his pretty princess. Ugh.
Back to the show, Sleazebag walks among the audience, fails to spot any hot guy to hit on, and tells everybody to check out the official website hawaiiagainstthemusic.com and buy tickets to the tour where everyone can listen to Rank Sinatra, Camile, the Pen Salesman, and Princess Jasmelisma and relive the hate all over again.
Latoya is next. Love You Inside And Out is her song and she's sounding really good here. But at the same time, the performance fails to engage my attention. It's easy to get distracted and talk to the hubby during her performance about Jasmelisma's horrid performance, for example, and forget completely that Latoya is singing on the TV screen. Why is she singing a midtempo song on Disco Week again? I'm not feeling this performance at all, as Randy Randy would say.
King Tut, after being overheard telling Randy Randy at first, repeats to Latoya that he finds her performance good and he's sure that everyone knows that she is a great singer by now. A sign in the audience warns King Tut not to dis Latoya. King Tut however finds the performance "boring" and points out that he knows nothing more about Latoya's personality than he did ten weeks ago. He wishes that she had used Disco Week as an opportunity to do something different and shake up things. Noona thinks that Latoya is beautiful, Latoya "emoted" the song, and Noona understands Latoya's song choice as they are both performers, and this vapid stream of inanity flows seamlessly into Miss Paula's happy babbles about Latoya blowing her away every week.
Randy Randy sighs and wonders whether there's "something" in the air. King Tut says that Randy Randy must be feeling weird because King Tut is going first this time around. They sound so much like two cute little girls stealing into Mommy's bedroom and playing with Mommy's cosmetic kit for the first time. Randy Randy isn't sure whether he agrees with King Tut about Latoya playing it safe, but he finds Latoya's performance lacking in some way. He's looking for "dudes", after all, and Latoya doesn't have the "dudes". So that's why Randy Randy is looking at King Tut! He wants the "dudes", after all. Randy Randy wants Latoya to blow him away. Miss Paula tells him that Latoya blows him away every week. To stop the sniggers of dirty-minded people everywhere, Randy Randy clarifies that blowing thing by explaining that Latoya's performance feels old and hence Latoya is not blowing him away in that context. Latoya interrupts to announce that she absolutely agrees with Miss Paula. Heh.
Latoya tells Sleazebag that she experiences no pressure while performing because she is here to have fun. She thinks that everyone in the Four is a winner because everyone will move on to great careers after the show. Seriously, that's what she says. She repeats that she's just here to have fun. Since she is quite annoyed in post-boot interviews, saying that she shouldn't have gone, I guess she's not exactly being sincere here. She has only herself to blame if people start to believe that she doesn't care about winning and hence can't work themselves up too much to vote for her.
Fantasia takes the stage with Knock On Wood. I am not sure about her costume or the tacky sound effects that accompanies Fantasia's "thunder!" and "lightning!", but this is a fine performance by her. She is energetic, beautifully entertaining, and she sounds really good. I especially love how she dances down the stage to dance with a guy before playfully pushing him back onto his seat. It's hard to imagine that she's only nineteen, two years older than Piggy Di Guano. Piggy makes her performances come off as well-rehearsed beauty pageant performances, but Fantasia makes stage presence seems to come so effortlessly to her. The lighting effects help a lot, of course, but Fantasia doesn't really need the subtle pimping. She's good enough as she is. She ends the performance with a glide along the stage and a diva-like half-crouch pose.
King Tut blinks and then laughs when he realizes that he's forgotten that he has to speak first. He brings up Latoya's remark about everyone being a winner and says that he doesn't agree with that remark. King Tut thinks that a winner should be someone who's different instead of merely someone with a great voice. He thinks that the winner should be Fantasia. Noona agrees with him, saying that Fantasia is different, "self-possessed", and "not intimidated" by the audience, and "fabulous". Miss Paula steps it up and raises the bar by complimenting Fantasia for her song choice and being the "tae-bo karate" on the "wood". Just when I think Miss Paula can't get any more (unintentionally) hilarious, here she comes with some tae-bo karate. Randy Randy says that he really likes that tae-bo karate analogy. Miss Paula muses about someone giving King Tut a karate chop. On his wood, Miss Paula? Randy Randy tells Fantasia that "for me, for you", when Fantasia opens her mouth, Randy Randy can feel the spirit of Fantasia and he is up as soon as he heard the first few notes from her mouth. Gosh, that sounds filthy.
Sleazebag and Fantasia discuss her sliding along the stage pose thingie. A sign in the audience insists that girls just "wanna have fun". When the working day is done, that is. After announcing a commercial break, Sleazebag makes a grab for Fantasia. Maybe he wants to feel the spirit of Fantasia too.
Back from the break, Sleazebag leans against the judges table next to a grinning King Tut and pretends that he's there all along to reintroduce Noona to the audience. Apparently Noona is predicting a female winner for this season, he says. Perhaps when King Tut removes his hand from Sleazebag's pocket, Sleazebag will crack some decent one-liners for once.
"C'mon, y'all, up on your feet!" insists Piggy Di Guano. This Is It is her performance and - wow. Her best performances on this show have always been fast, uptempo ones and this one is great. Forget Fantasia's subtle lighting - the show, taking its cue from Piggy Di Guano getting the highest number of votes for the last few weeks now, pulls out disco lights and what not as Piggy bounces around and shouts her way through nearly the entire song. But damn, she's so entertaining to watch. The performance is a little too Toni Basil crossed with the Mickey Mouse Club for me and Piggy's voice is flat when she's not shouting, but she is definitely in her element here.
King Tut eats his words. He doesn't think that Piggy Di Guano is too young for this show now. He thinks that Piggy Di Guano is the most improved contestant of the season. Ah, King Tut, but her fashion sense has been detoriating week by week! Surely that is grounds enough for a mandatory expulsion? King Tut asks Piggy to stay away from Fantasia and Latoya because Piggy can upset the predicted Final Two. Oh please, anyone who keeps tabs on backstage gossips will know for three weeks now that Piggy Di Guano is getting the most votes (thank you teenyboppers!) every week and the judges are sweetening their praises for her accordingly even as they go around "predicting" that the poor man's Kelly Cluckson will win the whole shebang.
Noona and Miss Paula hold hands and babble sweetcakes and peacebunnies. Randy Randy begins gloating over King Tut's eating his words, but Miss Paula snaps at him to shut up and pushes at his arm. Because no one insults Miss Paula's man, y'all. Wait, I'm confused - so who is hooking up with who again? Never mind. King Tut asks Randy Randy to shut up too, saying that Randy Randy is boring. Randy Randy tells Piggy that she "worked it out" and he thinks that she is the most improved performer. I am not sure though if Piggy has made any improvements as much as she's just stopped with the ballads that she can't perform well and return to the uptempo songs that made her popular with her fans in the first place.
Sleazebag walks in to remind people how to vote for Piggy Di Guano. As usual, he announces a commercial break. He takes Piggy's hand and she jumps up and down on the stage. Careful, dear, the stage floor may give way under her energetic bouncing. I'm just saying.
Back to the show. After some painfully unfunny banter with Miss Paula about King Tut's hot pants, Sleazebag introduces Princess Jasmelisma once more.
"Come on everybody! I want everybody dancing!" Man, she sounds flat even when she's speaking. It's Raining Men is her song and I'm speechless. This one is not as bad as Everlasting Love, but it is so pitchy and off-key at so many places nonetheless. I am also amused at how oblivious Jasmelisma is when she is singing things like "I'm gonna get absolutely soaking wet!" with an oblivious giddy-girlie expression on her face. If Hawaii can force this show to crown Jasmelisma as the new American Idol, she will be even more cloying than her fellow vapid sorority sister Jessica Simpson and her zillion virginity pledges, and I will further bet that her stage father - who stands up and waves at the audience when they cheer Jasmelisma after the performance - will be even creepier than Jessica Simpson's.
King Tut says that Jasmelisma has better hope that every household in Hawaii has five telephones. Some woman in the audience shrieks. Must be Jasmelisma's stage mother. "You're gonna need all the support you can get. Seriously, you can't do the Weather Girls!" King Tut tells Jasmelisma and the audience boos. Noona says diplomatically that she doesn't like the song selection as it is "rangy" (read: out of Jasmelisma's vocal range) but she's sure that Jasmelisma did her best (read: Jasmelisma is not good enough). Miss Paula says that she has heard Jasmelisma during the rehearsals and she knows that Jasmelisma has a "powerful voice". Jasmelisma's offkey performance must be due to Jasmelisma's "forgetting" the words to the song, Miss Paula reasons. I guess for Miss Paula, merely flubbing "It's raining men - hallelujah" alone is a good excuse enough to massacre the rest of the song. Miss Paula insists that "Hawaii and America" love her and they will forgive her. Yes, I'm sure they will forgive her just like they forgive Rank Sinatra. Randy Randy remarks that King Tut is stealing all his words. He says bluntly that Jasmelisma's performance isn't her best, it was pitchy, and Jasmelisma was unable to support her notes so her pitch was all over the place. Jasmelisma sobs "Okay" and promptly bursts into tears. That will teach her to stupidly follow the song selections of previous American Idol contestants without considering whether they are suitable for her voice.
Sleazebag comforts her with a hug and assures her that people still love her and will vote for her. Die, Sleazebag, die die die! Jasmelisma kills that one iota of sympathy taking root in my heart by sobbing, "I love everybody!", which is precisely the calculated response a spoiled dim-witted Miss Thang would give to make people feel awful about trying to get her to be accountable to her own weaknesses. How dare people hate Jasmelisma! She's supposed to be cute! The best! You people are so mean! But she loves everybody and will forgive everybody, so isn't she such a sweet thing, awww? Maybe years of dealing with spoiled nieces have made me heartless, but I am not buying Jasmelisma's poor wounded kitty act one bit.
After the commercial break, Sleazebag returns, seated on the stool on stage - a stool on a stool, how apt - and introduces Latoya once more.
Don't Leave Me This Way is her song and she starts out standing in the audience. But she isn't moving. I love this song and I think she does a fabulous job, vocally, on her performance, but the performance feels subdued. She doesn't interact with the audience and when she finally gets on stage to move a bit, she comes off as awkward and stiff. The audience wants to love her, heck I want to love her, but she seems to be holding something back from the audience and it shows.
Randy Randy reminds King Tut to speak up and King Tut says that he's with the flow, so to speak. King Tut tells Latoya that this performance was so much better. The audience cheers until an exasperated King Tut turns and yells at them that he can't even hear himself. He thinks that Latoya's performance was as good as the original. Noona and Miss Paula babble. Randy Randy says that Latoya had brought "it" back in her performance.
Sleazebag and Latoya boogie on stage. Commercial break. Break a leg. Whatever.
Sleazebag is in the control room now and there's a woman working at the computer. When Uncle Nigel waves his hand from the corner, she'll press the red button and the robots that are the audience will boo. The green button is for cheering. That black button is for the paramedics that are always on standby in case Miss Paula finally caves in one day and her head starts doing a three-hundred-sixty rotation. Sleazebag announces that Fantasia will be taking the stage now.
Ooh, I didn't know that Jim Steinman is considered disco! Bonnie Tyler is a disco diva now? I give props to Fantasia on taking risks, but Holding Out For A Hero is a really bizarre choice for Disco Week. It makes so much sense when Time Magazine reports after the show is aired that it is Uncle Nigel himself who "suggested" to Fantasia that she changed her original choice of Best Of My Love to this song. Thank you, Uncle Nigel. Remind me again why I'm supposed to love this show? Stupid producers. Stupid Uncle Nigel. They really want a Piggy and Jasmelisma Final Two like Clive Davis told everyone and they are not above using underhanded tactics to achieve what they want. I can only hope they gets Jasmelisma as an American Idol and the whole show becomes a joke when Jasmelisma's CD deservingly flops like a beached whale. People, let's give Uncle Focking Nigel what he wants - vote for Princess Jasmelisma!
Anyway, Fantasia sounds really sharp at places, not Macy Gray as much Kate Bush at her most dramatic, and the song is played at what seems like a speed double to that of the original. The best I can say about this performance is that it is entertaining, as usual, thanks to Fantasia's energy and the way she always make it seem as if she's enjoying herself on stage and I should too. Besides, she must be channeling my earlier rant about today's antiseptic idea of masculinity. Forget the asexual milquetoasts like Brad Pitt and Orlando Bloom, where are the Tom Sellecks and Ken Wahls of today? I'm totally nodding to Fantasia when she ends the song with, "Ladies, I need a hero!"
Besides, everything is Uncle Focking Nigel's fault.
King Tut says that his opinion won't make him popular but he doesn't enjoy Fantasia's performance. He thinks that she is much better than "that kind of song". King Tut likes a meatloaf as much as anybody, but he doesn't like Meatloaf. Or something. Fantasia tells him that she is looking for a good man and she knows every lady is with her. Her boyfriend in the audience will be pleased to hear that, heh. King Tut says that he just doesn't like the performance. She says "Okay!" All you people who keep going on and on about Fantasia's "attitude problem" can dial it down now and look for other excuses to keep hating. She's mellowed as the competition heats up, if you ask me, and what seems like an attitude problem on her part is starting to come off as her upfront and unbridled visceral reactions to everything around Fantasia. You want someone with an attitude problem? Take a look at Aloha Kitty.
Noona tells Fantasia that Fantasia could read the phone book to her. Miss Paula is dismayed at Fantasia's song choice because she can't dance to it. But she loves Fantasia anyway, yay! Randy Randy agrees about the bad song choice but points out that the performance only proved that Fantasia could take any song in any genre and sing it well. King Tut nods and tells Randy Randy that the man has made a very good point. I love how those two men are so in sync and filled with love and harmony today.
Commercials come and go. Piggy Di Guano closes the show by sitting down and slowly singing the slow refrain of No More Tears, Noona's duet with Barbra Streisand, before standing up to belt the life out of the rest of the song. I give her props here: she effortlessly switches her modulation between Noona's higher screechy register to Barbs' belting and back again during the crescendo in the middle of the song. The performance still comes off like some pageant talent time affair, but I can't deny here that I think Piggy can really sing. She just needs to break out of that calculated Mickey Mouse Club performance routine, because she really can bring on the energy into her performance.
King Tut calls the performance "unquestionably the best song of the night" and complimented her on how she controlled the "song in the middle" and says that he has total respect for her. Noona and Miss Paula bring on the inane blabberings. Randy Randy echoes King Tut and calls the performance the best of the night. They should let Randy Randy go first next time, because King Tut is making Randy Randy absolutely irrelevant tonight.
Then Piggy Di Guano speaks to Sleazebag in that annoying high-pitched baby voice of hers and I lose some of the love I have for her after that performance. She's seventeen, she wears clothes belonging to twelve-year old chubby girls (the black dress she's wearing now is fine though, but she should consider sleeves the next time around), and she speaks like she's five. She needs to grow up, and I mean that in a positive way, because right now she comes off like a well-trained performing pageant monkey that never actually grows up.
Sleazebag recaps the performances and poses with the Four subsequently. He points out that there has been tears on the show, along with King Tut apologizing and Randy Randy making sense for once, and I guess I'm somehow supposed to be impressed with that. He thanks the judges and the "disco diva" and the audience, compliments the audience for the "great energy", and then he's - Latoya mouths after him - out. He then brings all four ladies into a group hug before they all do some idiotic bopping and clapping on stage. Noona stands up with a sour expression on her face and can't leave the judge table soon enough. Oh dear, one of the judges must have eaten too many beans for dinner. And before the show ends, the camera focuses on the disco ball on the ceiling. Er, what is it for again?
The credits stop rolling and Hawaii, spurred on by King Tut's challenging words, motivated by regional and race pride, not caring that Princess Jasmelisma is the sole dud among a night of otherwise enjoyable music, grab for the five phones in every house and start dialling and text messaging for three hours straight. Thank you Verizon Hawaii for that extra hour of voting afforded to Hawaiians due to some convenient technical glitch thingie. If Jasmelisma becomes the new American Idol, the Verizon CEO should buy the remaining copies of Jasmelisma's CD not snapped up by Hawaii, because I don't think people everywhere else will be snatching it off the shelves. By making the increasingly reviled Jasmelisma the new American Idol, the Hawaiians will be proving something, although what that something is, I have no idea. Oh well.
Results show. The Sexy Manly Voiceover Guy has finally snapped. There can be only so many inane lines he can sprout off in a month, after all. Therefore, his anemic-sounding Apu-wannabe brother takes over the role of the pre-credit babbler. "They beat all the odds to get this far!" this particular guy says, not even mustering false enthusiasm as the camera pans over the Four standing on the stage, "But the battle has just begun!" Mentioning that the Four came this far out of 75,000 auditions, he notes that the light will go out for one of them tonight. Who goes? Who stays? Hawaii, it's your call!
Credits. Wow, this season is coming to an end. And I still haven't started caring yet!
Ryan "That's The Way I Like It, A-ha A-ha A-ha!" Sleazebag walks on the stage and greets the screaming audience. "What's up, guys? Hello, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to the most unpredictable show on television!" he says. Translation: ohmigosh, the Tamyra effect is taking place tonight! After watching the hands this show and its audience dealt to Angela Peel, Tamyra, Creepy Rickey, Trenyce, Lisa Looshawoo, and J Hu, I am still supposed to be worked up over tonight's results? There are just some things that I can't fake no matter how hard I try, so sorry, Sleazie, not tonight. Sleazebag continues to babble his brand of overpaid vapid, reprimanding the audience to consider what they have done by voting out somebody tonight.
Yes, people, listen to Sleazebag - let's just stop voting altogether! This show will be cancelled and poor Sleazebag will have to spend the rest of his life stuffing hot dogs between hot buns outside Madison Square Garden. I can see that King Tut likes the idea very much.
Sleazebag introduces King "Over The Hill" Tut, Miss "Over The Rainbow" Paula, and Randy "Over, Just Over" Randy and asks for "yeah, yeah"s to be given to the Four. The camera pans on a sign in the audience: "Fantasia On Fox". The Four are seated on the sofa and Sleazebag proceeds with some frivolous Q&A. Remember, this show is supposed to be an hour long and they have to stretch things out somehow.
Latoya feels good, as always. Jasmelisma in her irritating baby voice assures everybody that she is no longer crying. Er, whatever, bitch, as if I care. Fantasia tells Sleazebag that she feels some pressure tonight but things are cool. One of these days they all will have to sit me down and explain how one can feel "pressured" when awaiting some results that are out of this person's control. Terpidation, fear, anticipation, that I can understand, but pressure? What kind of pressure are we talking about? The seat is too bumpy, something is sticking up on the seat, or what? Piggy Di Guano matches Jasmelisma baby freaking squeak for baby freaking squeak by giddily saying that she's still jubilant from her triumph last night when it comes to channeling a one-woman Miss Piggy roadshow. Put Kewpie in the role of Kermit and I'm so buying tickets for the joint tour if only for their duet version of She Drives Me Crazy.
Sleazebag quotes Kool and The Gang, calling last night a ladies' night, but wonders whether the feeling was right. Ha, ha, he's definitely going to be pelted with ketchup on his hot dog stand debut. He recaps the performances of last night. "Kermit! This pig's gonna fly!"
Commenting that the disco ball is going to crash down on someone tonight, he delays the inevitable by announcing the recent visit of a psychic Kimberly Kay Berg who will help the Four deal with the pressure of fame or something like that. Good heavens, what have I done to end up watching something like this? Among the "cosmic insight" given by K-Berg here are: the Four have the support of the universe as well as America, which explains Jasmelisma's popularity - the alien mothership is power voting, people; Piggy Di Guano is an old soul because her past lives are channeling themselves in her decision and performances, which explains the fashion, to which Piggy marvels that King Tut must really be a psychic after all; Fantasia is sensitive to people's feelings and she channels these feelings in her performances, and Fantasia thinks that K-Berg is one "powerful woman" and she is "feeling" K-Berg; Jasmelisma has intuition and knows the correct place to plant her off-key high notes, and Jasmelisma of course agrees that she is a very intuitive person because she gets "strong feelings" on the competition - she really has no idea, heh; Latoya will be in the limelight long after her American Idol stint, regardless of the outcome of her stint, and Latoya claims that she is motivated by the K-Berg babble. Wow, K-Berg predicts Latoya's boot. I'm impressed.
K-Berg tells the camera that she lives to tell people the truth. She tells the Four that they are powerful beings united spiritually, mentally, or something like that. The Four laugh. I groan and press a pillow against my face. Next week: a feng-shui expert advises the Three on how to make the most from their bedroom furniture!
Sleazebag decides to channel his inner psychic too. Walking among the audience, he can see visions of fifty-two packed venues in the upcoming American Idol tour. He feels tickets selling like hot cakes, he envisions people visiting the official website whyyoushouldntsing.com, and he sees himself plugging things for the rest of his life. Well, in the case of the latter, the metaphorical toilet that is his career is close to being clogged, so he's definitely on his way in getting there. He then spots a kid in the audience. The kid tells Sleazebag that his name is Joshua and he supports Fantasia. Smart kid. He has taste.
It's now time for the group sing. The Four step out to perform their synchronized one-two-wave dancing. Piggy Di Guano leads off in a flatly performed Bad Girls. Latoya brings on what she should have brought yesterday by sizzling up her solo in Hot Stuff. Jasmelisma is really horrendously flat and out of tune in her solo during Heaven Knows. Fantasia unfortunately has to share her solo segment during She Works Hard For The Money with Latoya and the tune Pretty Princesses. Overall, a horrible group performance that comes off as if they have personally beaten any semblance of pitch and key out of town. They all strike a pose at the end, gesturing to their left for Noona Summer to walk in. Noona then comes in to sing Let's Dance. Let's just say that she's definitely past her prime where singing is concerned. After what seems like a neverending nightmare of cracked voices and off-key singing, Noona finally allows the Four to get back on stage and become her background vocalists. Meanwhile, Miss Paula is on her feet, dancing. She must be listening to some much nicer music that is playing in her head. Randy Randy jigs while remaining seated. Meanwhile, King Tut is above such nonsense - he is not amused.
Sleazebag calls the performance "hot stuff". Hell is hot too, so in a way he's right. Then it's another commercial break, not a minute too soon.
Back to the show, they have already wasted enough of my time, they may as well take what's left of it. It's now time for a clip where the Four along with Rank Sinatra and Huff Granddaddy pose for that EW photoshoot. Jasmelisma, your outfit is not "the 70's or 80's or whatever", it's "Lolita Miss Saigon". No, that's not a compliment. Piggy Di Guano looks much better in black, although she still looks like a fourteen-year old overperky girl dressing up in Mummy's clothes. Latoya robs Beeyatche's Pepsi ad gladiator outfit as well as Beeyatche's legs for the photoshoot. Fantasia thinks that her outfit makes her look like Tina Turner but I'm not too sure about that. Rank Sinatra looks like an albino golf caddy while Huff Granddaddy and his big eyes look like a cartoon pimp character.
Sleazebag tells the Four that "we" can all get used to "that" - looking good and what not. I bet he really covets Jasmelisma's two-dollar underaged Saigon hooker outfit for himself. Finally - finally! - he decides to announde the results. Wait, he just announces that Piggy Di Guano is safe before announcing a break. Piggy squeals and shrieks thank you to the audience. She's going to eat a big buffet tonight to celebrate. Before the show goes into a commercial break, the obligatory Ford clip is shown. The Four raid hideously chunky earrings and ugly wigs from Iguanita Barber, go wild with the black mascara, and get into that Ford vehicle where they all take turn to blast out En Vogue's Free Your Mind. I love how they always focus on Jasmelisma whenever the Four screech, "Don't be so shallow!"
Sleazebag now announces the arrival of an "old friend" and reminds people of how the show transformed a geek from Atlanta during last season into a "heartthrob with expensive haircut". Heartthrob? Doesn't he know that Kewpie has only 30,000 fans that buy three million copies of his CDs to make a point that "hE WuZ rObBeD!"? The Four seated on the stage prance around in a choreographed manner towards the stage even as the la Gloriana himself, Kewpie, takes the stage in geeky glasses to oversing the life out of Earth Wind and Fire's Fantasy. The Four again find themselves playing unpaid background vocalists to Kewpie. I suspect that some of them will be performing background vocals for quite a bit in the foreseeable future so they should try and get used to it. The performance reminds me of a bad Vegas lounge act, or a guest performance on Miss Universe. There is no singing as much as Kewpie just detonating high notes all over the place. Any resemblance to the original groovy version of the song is coincidental.
Since Kewpie is leaving 19E, the judges are not going to give him any time of day. Even Miss Paula's smile feels stiff and forced. The audience has no such reservations though, they give him a standing ovation. Then again, the audience gives everybody and anybody a standing ovation this season, so I won't read too much into their "enthusiasm". Sleazebag rubs palms with Kewpie and says that it is good to see him again. He tells Kewpie that they will catch up but first, Kewpie will have to sit in that corner like the bad boy he is to try and escape 19E's clutches into his scrawny body. I'm surprised that they don't make him wear a dunce cap.
Now Sleazebag announces that Fantasia is in the Bottom Two after everyone share a laugh over Miss Paula's contradictory "critiques" about Fantasia's two performances. Fantasia nods and hugs the Piggy and Jasmelisma, going "muah" in the process. I really don't think anymore that Fantasia has an attitude problem - it's just that she has no perception of how her honest and sometimes blunt reactions to the events around her can rub people off the wrong way. Sleazebag sits with Kewpie and asks Kewpie his opinion on Fantasia being in the Bottom Two. Kewpie is appalled and starts to say that Fantasia is good, only to carefully retract his statement and say instead that everyone is good, everyone is talented, and everyone is happy. Without his hysterical fans to provide train wreck entertainment value, I strongly suspect that Kewpie will be one of the most boring celebrities in town. He is so self-consious at having to be a tactful and diplomatic self-perceived role model at all times that he rarely says anything worth listening or reading in his interviews and heaven knows his music is just as dull.
Kewpie takes time to insist that he's still a nervous ordinary kid. Saying that last season's Final Four all have record deals so this season's Final Four are all talented - you try and connect the dots in Kewpie's faulty logic, because he's lost me from the get go - he says that everyone is a winner and a talented performer, yadda yadda. Newsflash, Kewpie: Hillary Duff has a record deal too. Talent does not factor in one getting a record deal. He also has a solo tour in the works and a Christmas album out soon, so his fans can start making repeated preorders on Amazon to make Kewpie's upcoming CD the number one bestseller on Amazon for eighteen years straight. Yes, take that, Ruben! Kewpie was robbed! Meanwhile, the camera pans on King Tut's glazy-eyed stone-faced expression. Don't worry, King Tut, 19E still has Westlife to keep the money rolling into your pockets. Oh, that's right - the fat, rude, and ugly troll Bryan has left Westlife and a break-up in imminent. Bwahahahaha! Sleazebag repeats again that Piggy Di Guano is safe and Piggy squeals and claps in joy because she's programmed by her pageant genes to do those things whenever someone mentions her name.
Commercials come and go. Sleazebag is back and he points at four White Little Girls wearing T-shirts with "I Voted For" motives, one for each of the Four. If you want to give money to these people who shamelessly use underaged children to sell their crappy merchandise, you can go to the official website store and buy one for yourself.
Now it's time for Noona to take the stage one more time to sing about her lost recipes for cakes left out in the rain in MacArthur Park, which is two really horrid bad high notes and a lot of scratchy singing. Noona, give those cracked vocal pipes a rest and just eat that damn cake already.
Finally, the results. Do you know that Piggy Di Guano (squeal!) is safe and Fantasia is in the Bottom Two? For some reason Sleazebag sees fit to repeat himself again. Then it's down to Princess Jasmelisma versus Latoya. A commercial break will happen before he reveals the results. I hate everybody - I'm suffering here. Will this show ever end? Finally, after an endless parade of commercials, Sleazebag reveals that Latoya is in the Bottom Two. Jasmelisma smiles and squeals in joy, blowing air kisses at the audience even as they boo her. Yes, she's an intuitive one alright. She covers her smirk with her hands when Uncle Nigel holds up the sad face card from the corner. Poor Jasmelisma - she's not programmed to fake a sad face, so she just has to cover her smirk.
King Tut makes a rude sound when Sleazebag asks him of his thoughts on the Final Two. King Tut says that the crowd has said everything he wants to say. He says that Jasmelisma has many thank-you letters to write to in Hawaii. The Intuitive Jasmelisma doesn't get it - she nods as if King Tut has complimented her and blow air kisses some more to the audience. I love the "What is wrong with this idiot?" sidelong look Piggy Di Guano throws at her air-kissing hand-waving self at that instance. King Tut sighs and says that the voting is always so subjective. He understands why Piggy Di Guano is safe as Piggy was good last night, but he's surprised that Fantasia is in the Bottom Two. Even if he feels that Latoya wasn't at her best the night before, he doesn't feel that Latoya deserves to be in the Bottom Two as well. Jasmelisma emits a giggle. She really has no perception of the people around her or she will realize that, outside of Hawaii, nearly everybody that watch this show doesn't like her sorry tuneless ass. Poor K-Berg's reputation is taking a beating.
The audience cheers as Miss Paula says that America gets it wrong this time. Randy Randy calls it a travesty that for the second time in the season the two best singers are in the Bottom Two. He doesn't know what America is listening and he thinks that everyone who votes has gone crazy. I understand his sentiments and I share them myself, but he really should stop trying too hard to pretend that this show is anything but a popularity contest. Be like me, Randy Randy, make cynicism your best friend. Life - and this show - is so much more enjoyable then.
Sleazebag asks the Bottom Two their thoughts and opinions. Latoya says that she never pictured herself going home so she doesn't really know how to think or react in this instance. She's surprised, but she's resigned to the fact that "that's how the cookie crumbles". Fantasia is not surprised because she thinks that she's a winner regardless of what happens. Er, if she says so, I guess. Commercials come and go. Sleazebag reveals that Latoya is leaving tonight. Some unhappy people in the audience scream. Jasmelisma smiles and waves at them. Fantasia cries as she hugs Latoya tight. Piggy Di Guano covers her mouth - if she's pretending to be miserable, she's doing a better job that the idiot seated next to her who lowers her hands from her mouth to reveal a smug smirk. Fantasia runs away to hug the two princesses while Latoya faces Sleazebag.
The eulogy clip shows Latoya's audition that the producers never showed me, along with the various praises she received during the contest. Latoya says that she is glad to meet many talented performers on this show. This show is a chance for America to see her, she says, and she feels lucky to be here. She will never forget her experiences on this show.
Fantasia is still crying. Meanwhile, Sleazebag tells Latoya that they will miss her. He says this with a straight face after calling people to cast Jasmelisma a pity vote last night. Latoya says that we will all be seeing her again soon. Sleazebag tells her that he loves her performance of Don't Rain On My Parade on Big Band Week and asks her whether she can sing it once more in her final sing-out as a favor to him, The Man Who Begged For Votes To Be Thrown To Jasmelisma. Instead of beating him with the microphone, Latoya graciously obliges with a magnificently brassy performance, the one that she never gives during her run on the show. "At least I didn't fake it!" she sings. You hear that, Jasmelisma? "Nobody is gonna rain on my parade!" Latoya insists. As she should. Now, I know that this is just a stupid show, but Latoya has the right to be furious that she's getting cut before that tune-free self-absorbed idiot Jasmelisma.
As the credits roll and everybody hugs, the camera pans on a brokenly sobbing Miss Paula who is resting her head on Randy Randy's chest as the man comforts her. What is this show trying to say? Vote for Jasmelisma to cause more pain to the judges? Give me the phone! No, wait, let's all move to Hawaii!