Before YouTube, recapping music videos is totally a thing and not a waste of time. Really..
Season 2: That's When I'll Stop Loving You
Imagine Adam Sandler singing Holiday like he did on The Wedding Singer. "Holiday! Celebrate!" Carmurp is gone tonight! America has seen the light.
Or not, as conspiracy theorists may say: the show has clearly washed its hands off Carmurp the Goat Girl around two weeks ago when King Tut unleashes his first criticism on her. From thereon, it's gloves off for poor Carmurp. At the same time, it's obvious that Burger Queen is groomed to replace Carmurp's position as the sole female in the Final Three along with Ruben and Kewpie. If you look at the current AI media onslaught in America, everyone is acting as if Ruben has won already. The constant pimping of Ruben is ironic, because this week he gives his worst performance ever. Taken into account his coasting in the last few weeks, that is very bad, all things considered. With the war pretty much over in American media, the now dispensible Josh Don't Tell has been cut adrift - King Tut is already openly mocking him in the media. Where does this leave Trenyce? King Tut is already saying that she performs like a robot - unlike Kewpie, who performs like an epileptic C3P0, or Ruben, who just smiles as he grabs a hamburger in front of him - so it's obvious that this show has already determined its final Three - Kewpie, Burger Queen, and Ruben, with Ruben emerging the winner.
Right now, the online scenario is like this: the Kewpinites and the Rubenites, wanting to see Josh Don't Tell kicked off, leaving their male icons free, are uniting to vote either for Burger Queen or Trenyce or both some half an hour to an hour each week. Unfortunately, Burger Queen's presumed friendship with Kewpie fuelled some crazy Kewpinites' "Clocke" shipper wet dreams. You guess it - Burger Queen benefits the most from this new coalition against the Cult of the Red, Blue, and Goat.
But there is a great satisfaction this week for fans of Trenyce. This week has been assumed as the week Trenyce will go. This week is supposed to be a battle between Burger Queen and Trenyce, with Carmurp assumed to be undefeatable. With so many voices throwing support to Burger Queen, it seems all is lost for Trenyce. But no, this week - assuming that this show isn't rigged and votes do count - Trenyce beats Josh Don't Tell and Carmurp in the numbers of votes. It gives me hope that Trenyce can get into at least the fourth or third place like she deserves to be. Trenyce has been looking worried and scared since her mugshot broke all over the American media, and her performance has become more and more showy, as if she's desperate to know that the judges like what she's doing. The media's vicious slandering of her is more cruel than any other contestants received: she and Kimborlee are rumored to be banging Corey Vanilli, of all things, probably at the same time. I don't know why anybody will give credence to what that skanky dipcrap Corey has to say, but there you go. Trenyce has been given some of the worst deal on this show, with only Livvy Oliverie having an even more sad story to tell, and it says a lot that she manages to carry on like a trooper week after week when, as rumors have it, she becomes increasingly paranoid that people are all laughing and sniggering behind her back.
All I can hope is that this week will give her a boost of confidence that she desperately needs to put a knockout performance next week. Don't worry, Paybee, your fans still love your singing. When you have to go out, put on a great show and make everybody remember your name. As for fans, this week proves that we are not as weak as we thought. I live in Singapore, I can't vote, but this week shows that there are many Trenyce fans out there who believe that Paybee has what it takes to be a star. Next week is seen as a Trenyce versus Josh Don't Tell collision. Keep the fingers on the autodiallers, don't lose vigilance, but most importantly, don't give up!
Anyway, I'm done with my pro-Trenyce prep talk. Hey, somebody has to say something for Trenyce, because the show and the media certainly won't.
On with the stupid show. Ryan Sleazebag is wearing some black jacket thing out of some stupid Japanese highschool anime thing over a white tee shirt. The crowd cheers and we see the true fans of Kewpie: fiftysomething women holding up signs like "Kewpie's Voice Makes Me Tingle" and "Aiken For Clay". Now we know why Kewpie fans also believe that Barry Manilow is good music. As a fiftysomething woman holding the sign saying "I Am Envious Of King Tut's Perky Mammaries", I'm so ashamed of these Kewpinites. They give dotty old ladies everywhere a bad name. Sleazebag says that his job is the best in the world because he gets to say "Welcome to American Idol" instead of "Welcome to Madame Felicity's House of Hot Young Trannies, how may I service you gentlemen today?". He says that Soundscan has confirmed that this week, Kelly Cluckson's album Thankful is the number one album on Billboard. Crowd cheers. Idiots. Everyone with a brain knows that chart positions on Billboard's album charts don't matter - it's how long the album stays in the charts that count. Expect Cluckson to tank like a rock within the next few weeks. The single God Bless The USA - they no longer called it Proud To Be American - is number one on the Singles chart. The crowd cheer. Idiots. Obviously the word "Payola" means nothing to them. He then announces that this show is taking an early time off and he's saying bye-bye. The lights dim, the music dies, and he walks out. There are some idiots in the crowd - the same idiots that help buy fifteen Kelly Cluckson CDs with their week's pocket money - that scream "Come back!" So Sleazebag comes back, saying that he can take a hint. I guess he can't take this hint: Sleazebag, you are lame and you and Dunkedvermin both deserve to languish in cheesy obscurity. Even Julie Chen will be funnier than you two. And I hate Julie Chen.
He talks about Monday's special (which I didn't recap because it wasn't shown in Singapore) and how fun it is because the judges weren't there. But tonight the judges are here, so the show is not fun. Is that what you're saying, Sleazebag? Can you just resign and get off the show now? Oh, and your hair sucks. He introduces King Tut - "All that money and only two shirts." Well, strippers aren't cheap. King Tut doesn't catch what Sleazebag just said, so he mouths, "What?" Miss Paula leans over and whispers to him what Sleazebag said, and he grins that adorably evil grin of his. I'm not having a crush on this jerk, shut up. Sleazebag introduces Miss Paula - "How can you tell her this?" Well, Paula, you still suck and you should just shut up every week. Harsh words, but it has to be said. Sleazebag announces that he and Randy Randy just had a nooner. Ow, my ears, my eyes! Now that is something I don't want to imagine.
This week's celebrity is Diane Warren. Come on, surely you know her? She used to be good (Rhythm Of The Night, anybody?) but today she acts like a kook and writes horrid paps. Tonight's theme is Diane Warren's songs. Oh God is right. Miss Warren herself walks out looking like that embarrassing Aunt Wenda every family has, that aunt that gets drunk at family reunions and make a complete putz out of herself by screaming and throwing herself at her brothers-in-law before their wives' furious gazes. That Miss Buttchins here. Her eyes, nose, and mouth look too small for her face, which is all forehead and chin, by the way.
Sleazebag says that everybody in the audience knows to sing along to her songs. She says that it's nice to know that, because she can't sing to her own songs! Har, har. She also doesn't want people to know that King Tut and she are good friends. The show then replays clips of Carmurp murdering Can't Fight The Moonlight and Josh Don't Tell screaming out I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing as evidences of how "many AI contestants sing her songs". I'm surprised Miss Buttchins isn't so insulted there and then after watching those two mutilate already mediocre songs beyond recognition that she walks out there and then. Because she doesn't, this show sucks. Bummer.
We see an intro clip of the Six gathering around Buttchins as she plays on the piano. Trenyce calls Buttchins the "first lady of power ballads". Burger Queen wets her pants as she imagines Buttchins writing songs for her to sing. Personally, I would vomit if I hear Buttchins writing songs for me, but that's why Burger Queen is on a sucky talent show and I'm not. I have taste. We learn that Buttchins herself has personally arranged the songs the contestants are going to sing tonight. I wonder: how is she then going to judge the contestants objectively? Oops, I said the dirty O word. Sorry, AI. And you still suck.
Burger Queen is first and she sings one of my favorite Buttchins song, If You Asked Me To. I love the Patti LaBelle original, I adore Celine Dion's version, but Burger Queen's version starts out very flat and breathy. I also find her voice a little sharp on the high registers, especially at the final long-drawn "baby" towards the end of the song. Frankly, I'm not too impressed, unlike last week. But since it is now etched in stone that Burger Queen is the one to be championed, everyone is supposed to love it. Randy Randy says that Burger Queen may be the best this week. Miss Paula says something I can't catch because my Inane Tolerance Meter is deliberately set at a low point this week. Same with Buttchins, I tune out after her incoherent "Awesome... blew me away". She can't form one coherent sentence throughout the show. No wonder she and Miss Paula seems so pally. They must share the same pharmacist. My Inane Meter blacklists Buttchins as well. King Tut says that Burger Queen's hair is now better. After all, Burger Queen has straightened her naturally curly hair and now that she no longer looks like her half-African-American side but more on the Europeanized side, no wonder King Tut finds her hot. That creep. "You look cute now," King Tut says. She's there, lookswise, voicewise, he tells her, "one of the forerunners". Looks like someone has found his Tamyra.
Sleazebag touches Burger Queen's hair and lip gloss. She pushes his hand away very subtly. Commercial break prevents me from seeing a full-blown catfight as those two fight over the lip gloss.
Back from the break, it's time for Kewpie's grandmother - who holds the sign "Kewpie's voice makes me tingle" earlier, and let's hold back on the Ozarks granny-grandson-sheep jokes for now - to introduce Kewpie. Kewpie is seen practising his song and he has a stubble! So he has undergone puberty! He has also completely misunderstood when his handlers told him to get a beard. His song is I Could Not Ask For More. It's a midtempo Edwin McCain song and for Kewpie, I guess you can call midtempo a "risk" for him. Not that it matters: he still overenunciates every word, giving this song the same sound and feel as every song he has ever sung. Kewpie fans love Barry Manilow and see Kewpie as the Second Coming of Copacabana Cheese. For the love of all that's good about music, I pray this guy doesn't win. Hasn't Rick Astley done enough damage to the music industry? The sunset in the background has an unfortunate effect of making Kewpie look like a kd lang impersonator wearing too much orange bling-bling glow. And those hand gestures? Must stop. And whoever sang background vocals to Kewpie must be shot, no mercy shown.
Randy Randy thinks Kewpie is one of the best in America. Barry Manilow is weeping. Miss Paula and Buttchins - whatever. King Tut says that Kewpie will make a fortune at Broadway - and Broadway recoils at the suggestion, because Michael Ball, Kewpie ain't - but King Tut can't see Kewpie as a pop star. Buttchins give King Tut a T-shirt. King Tut helpfully reads out the words on it in case TV viewers are too young to read (hey, it could happen): "I can't do nice." I wonder what Buttchins will have on the T-shirt she will get for me.
By the way, Kewpie has died his hair. Then again, every one of the Six has his or her hair colored this week, as we shall soon see.
Before we head on to the commercial break, Sleazebag shows us the virtual salon thing on the official website (http://www.idolonfox.com). It is a game where you can put wigs and all on your favorite AI contestant. No undressing though - so sorry, you Carmurp and Kewpie fans. Josh Don't Tell looks really good in a Mariah wig.
We see a "funny clip" of Ryan Sleazebag's favorite hairdresser - Mr Jojo Ironbuns - and two scary women marching towards a trailer. They are going to give our Six new hair colors in a product placement skit paid by... er, Clairol? I can't remember. Shows you how effective their skits are. We see Carmurp going "Oh yeah! Oh yessss!" in a display of ecstasy that her Church will surely approve - who says Mormons can't have fun? - while Kewpie listens against the (closed) trailer door, his eyes wide - "So this is female orgasm! Sounds just like mine when Papa Tut and Mama Sleazebag and me - ooh!"
Kewpie's new hair color is Flaming Pink. I think. Trenyce is some sort of red, let's just call it Brazen Trouble. Burger Queen gets Whopper Grilled Brown. Carmurp, Sheep Neon. Ruben, 205 Highlites. Josh Don't Tell - Closet Dark. "Fabulous," Burger Queen intones. Aye, sistah, fah-bu-lous. Now give me some music. Then Jojo Ironbuns takes a hair dryer and sticks it into his mouth. Kewpie's Flaming Pink turns Purple right away.
Trenyce is next. Her song choice is not what I'd love to see her do. Have You Ever is dull when Brandi sang it, and while Trenyce has the vocal range better than Brandi's, Buttchins must really hate her because the arrangement, to be plain, sucks. Midway through Trenyce loses all control of her song and has to play a guessing game with the arrangements. At one point Trenyce pauses, expecting the background vocalists to fill in the gap while she ad libs, but guess what? The background vocals never came. Consipracy theorists, speculate away.
A decent performance. Like Randy Randy, I'm not blown away, because this song is just not functional enough in a truncated one-minute-twenty-seconds version. Randy Randy notes some pitch problems that I can't catch, but says that she's better this week and he isn't mad, no, he isn't mad. Miss Paula compliments Trenyce on her voice control and accomplished performance. Buttchins blah blah blah incoherent whatever. King Tut says he knows absolutely nothing about Trenyce and she's wearing a mask. Like we know everything about his darling Ruben who comes from 205 and loves 205 and 205 205 205 205 205 and 205 but 205, 205, 205, and 205. Or how Josh Don't Tell loves the Marine, is a Marine, wants a Marine, but a Marine marines Marine Marine, Marine Marine, but Marine Marine Marine Marine. Yup, we have a lot of interesting multi-dimensional contestants this season. How dare Trenyce, who gets no screen time, no pimping, no publicity, dares to remain a stranger to King Tut!
Randy Randy challenges King Tut's nonsense. Trenyce nods and says she knows what King Tut is getting at though.
Sleazebag says let's know more about Trenyce and asks her what she likes to do on weekends. She says that she likes to get on the phone and chat away with friends or to her mother - hi, mommy! Is it me or she has learned Camera Hog 101 from Kimborlee?
Josh Don't Tell is next, and he chooses That's When I'll Stop Loving You. A Marine who knows an N Sync song? What is the world coming to? He says that he sang this song to his wife when they were in high school. This song is from an N Sync album from year 2000 (I'm so ashamed that I know). He's now 22. He married that woman who looks like she's 40 in the audience when he was - 21? 20? And they have a kid? Does her daddy have a shotgun?
"Oh my God, he hates his wife," my husband exclaims as he presses his hands to his ears.
It's horrible! Josh Don't Tell's falsetto can shatter the glasses of the highest skyscrapers because it is nasal and blood-curdling at once. Creepy Rickey will have given this song a more appropriate treatment, I think, but in Josh Don't Tell's hand, this song is the weapon that destroyed the world as we know it. He sounds like a pack of chickens being slaughtered at the abbatoir. Camera pans to his wife who looks dazed as if she can't believe the horrible noises emanating from her husband's mouth. Also, Lance Corpulent, sorry, Corporal Josh Can't Sing seems to have packed sixty pounds in a week. Lay off the Dunkins, Corpie, especially when you have obvious bowel problems.
Randy Randy hates the performance. "You're sharp the entire song." Miss Paula says that Josh Don't Tell proves that he's a "vulnerable performer" and she has proven to me that she's a vapid idiotic one-brain-celled tone-deaf dingbat. Buttchins say that he's sincere. Sincerely ghastly, if you ask me. King Tut ticks off three items about Josh Don't Tell that sucks - one, he sang through his nose, two, he changed his vocal style today to The Castration of N Sync - A Caterwaul Saga, and three, Josh Don't Tell's a Marine who has been featured in a bronze-iced hair color commercial.
Josh Don't Tell tells Sleazebag that King Tut is an elder and Josh respects the elders, so he won't comment on King Tut. We're talking about an elder who beat Josh Don't Tell flat in a contest of push-ups, mind you. But King Tut is getting old if he can forget items four, five, and six on his list: four, Josh Don't Tell looks like a washed-up has-been ex-boyband member after a round of Celebrity Boxing; five, Josh Don't Tell is obviously at a plateau where his performances are concerned - he is most likely incapable of performing any better than this horrible campfire amateur attempt; and six, Josh Don't Tell is bland and smug and ugly.
And Josh Don't Tell, if you respect this elder, please, SHUT THE FROG UP. Thank you.
Commercial break. Jeebus, even commercial jingles sound better than Josh Don't Tell.
Back from commercial breaks. Sleazebag hugs this twig-like woman he calls "Teri" - King Tut's beard, er, girlfriend. King Tut stands up and asks Sleazebag, "Where's Arthur?" Sleazebag looks shocked for two seconds before composing himself. He gives a nervous laugh - "Shut up!"
Arthur - Teri - Kewpie - Sleazebag - King Tut - JD - Kimborlee - Carmurp - Nigel Loathgoat - Satan. I'm too scared to join the dots, because there are some depravities that even I can't bear to contemplate. (Who's Arthur? Is he cute? Is he the top or the bottom guy? Why do I even want to know?)
Carmurp is next. Why can't she just do a Corey and go away? She decides to sing Taylor Dayne's Love Will Lead You Ba-aaa-aaaa-aaaa-aaaaa-aaa because she believes that the high notes of this song will show off her range, something she's not allowed to do in the last few weeks. Er, honey, you weren't able to show off your range because you don't have any! Shouting is not the same thing as hitting the upper register. ViBAAAAAtoing is not the same as reaching. And pushing your voice through your nasal cavities is not the same as projecting your voice. Watching Carmurp is like watching a really bad talent time school every nursery and day care loves to put up at the end of the year for indulgent parents and spoiled children who believe they can sing.
Nasheka, Hadas, and even Jennifer Wanna Dance With Somebody would have been worthier to be in Carmurp's spot - how this bleating girl even get this far is something I can never understand. Why Carmurp? If AI wants a cute girl, hey, look at Hadas, Jennifer Wanna Dance With Somebody, and even the helium voiced Ashley Hartman - at least these beautiful ladies can carry a tune, which is more than I can say of pretty but inept Carmurp. In a way, I feel so sorry for her - her parents pimp her out, feeding her delusions about her non-existent abilities, and the TV people throw her here among performers leagues better than her to turn her into a public joke. The media and people are speculating whom she performed sexual favors to to last this long into the show. There are people out there who hate her for preventing Creepy Rickey and others from advancing on the show because of perceived favoritism the show people are giving her (her prominent starring roles in skits and group performances only fan the fire). No wonder the show drops her when the media speculation grows too heated for the comfort zone - whether Carmurp really gets the lowest number of votes or she is ousted by the show before she turns AI into a more ridiculous circus, she's a goner, an experiment gone awry, the Bride of Teenybopper Frankenstein put down to sleep when they realize that there's sheep/goat DNA mixed up in the project.
Randy Randy really hates Carmurp. He is still annoyed that Carmurp is here when his precious Kimborlee isn't. "We are looking for the best, and I don't think you are even close," he tells her straight. Carmurp looks shocked. I wish someone will photograph her zit-covered face and let me print T-shirts with her face on it. Miss Paula says quietly that she agrees with Randy but tells Carmurp that hey, she's better than last week - she bounces back! That's a great compliment, I must say. It makes me want to slash my wrists an inch shorter than the usual gash if I'm Carmurp. Buttchins say that it's the best she has heard from Carmurp. Randy Randy interrupts her: "But is it good enough?" King Tut says that Carmurp can't win this competition, but she's done well to get this far.
Carmurp tells Sleazebag that she can win this competition - the world quakes in fear - and she will come back stronger next week. Oops, hopefully next week, she corrects herself, but we have all seen that sneaky sense of entitlement already, missy, you're so busted.
Sleazebag pimps the upcoming AI tour. Yay, more Carmurp, more Corey. I can't wait.
Next is Ruben. This is what, the fourth time they put him last? They really want him to win this thing, don't they? But what will they do when he dies of a heart attack ten seconds into the AI tour? That guy isn't just obese, he can barely go through two minutes of song without wheezing like a breathless lard monster. A fatty who can sing is one thing, but fatties can't do concerts or tours, and isn't all these what AI is all about - merchandising and manufacture? It is hard to see Ruben grinding away with Kewpie in From Ruben To Kewpie: White Salami On Brown Toast. His song is Music Of My Heart. He sings what seems like four lines and then spends the rest of the song going "Ooh! Yeah! Music, oh music! Ooh! Yeah! Music, ooh, music, wow, music!" As usual, there is the now-vacant-looking smile and that meaty paws reaching out to grab imaginary hamburgers. If he can't even be bothered to remember the words of his songs, how on earth are they going to make him a sex symbol to teenyboppers? His voice is good, but let's face it, he's not exactly Barry White charismatic either. He's just a dim smiley guy who only knows three numbers - two-oh-five. This is Ruben at his dullest and most uninspired, and it's not a pretty sight or sound.
The judges - oh, do I even have to go there? King Tut adds that he and Kewpie must watch out for Burger Queen though. Whatever.
Ruben tells Sleazebag that he's a big fan of N Sync. I promise I won't laugh. Really! Snigger. His female fans shriek in joy at his pronunciation like gorgons being led to the abbatoir. Sleazebag says that he feels manly being towered over by Ruben, who looks like he has eaten several baby elephants for snack before he comes on stage.
Well, that's it. Before we go, Sleazebag is in the Red Room. Burger Queen, groomed by the powers that be to show more personality, asks a canned question about Sleazebag's jacket. Sleazebag says that he is promoting the upcoming Michael Jackson home video special (my condolences to you Americans for having these types of shows on TV). He asks Carmurp if she feels exhausted singing week after week. Carmurp's canned response is equally stimulating. Can this show be cancelled?
Best? Uh... oh boy. Nobody is even close to being at their best. I'll go with Burger Queen, Kewpie, and Trenyce, in that order. Worst? Josh Don't Tell. He makes Carmurp sound divine.
We see King Tut pushing his face to Buttchins' left cheek and his mouth nibbling/mashing her like crazy. I feel so sorry for Sleazebag, Teri, King Tut, Spongebob, or whoever it is that's subjected to that kind of mouth action. Now I also know that Buttchins is an alien from Planet Ugly, because no human being will stand being nibbled like that without any resistance.
Sleazebag! Results show! He is wearing a tight but not too-tight white shirt that exposes quite a lot of collarbone area. He is also unshaved - a defense mechanism against King Tut's munch mouth action. He holds the mic to his mouth to do a Trenyce on it. He asks the crowd why they are happy. This is a sad show, he says, because somebody is going home. If bad comedy is murder, Sleazebag is going home in a body bag. Sleazebag mocks King Tut's hair. "My hair?" King Tut mouths back. Sleazebag tells him, "I have special hair gel for you." Or maybe not. I don't care for their unfunny banters anymore. This show is boring. They are dragging the finals for too long. I have watched these people for twelve weeks now - three months! - and three months of Miss Paula's vapidity, King Tut's worthless curmudgeon antics, Randy Randy's "daaawgs, yo, yo, yo", Sleazebag's bad jokes, and so many untalented wannabes are exhausting me out. This is horrible punishment. Someone please cancel this show soon. I can't take it anymore.
Twenty one and a half million votes came in last night, Sleazebag announces. Whatever, just end this show quick.
Group sing time. Yay for wretchedness. This time they are singing Shine, a special song Buttchins wrote just for them, and it seems as if Buttchins wrote it while doodling on toilet paper while sitting on a crapper one cold winter night and her butt is freezing, because the song isn't any better than the stuff she left in the crapper. Just think of all those horrible songs they play on graduations and that's Shine. Carmurp starts the song in what must be this show's only brilliant moment of unintentional comedy: "They'll try to make you feel that you're not good enough." Oh, if you only listen, Carmurp. Burger Queen blasts the next two lines, and the crowd cheers. Trenyce gets only one line, bastards, before the group bursts into a stupid chorus about people can't shut out their light that is shining inside (from their ass?) or something equally vapid. The guys boom out the bridge, and then there's an acapella chorus where they all stand there and stare up at the aerial camera like idiots. Then the music kicks back in and they walk back to the stage and stare at the audience, Serious Talents With Lights Shining From Their Asses. Because Buttchins says so. If any of the Six still want to sing Buttchins' songs after this piece of crap, I despair for them, I truly do.
Then there's an obviously staged scene of Kelly Cluckson squealing because her CD is Number One on Billboards Albums Chart. Wasn't Rick Dees' Disco Duck a number one too? Food for thought. Sleazebag wonders who among the Six here will get a number one album in the future.
Carmurp gets the first Seat of Shame. Then I am subjected to an eternity of Kewpie's horrible facial expressions and his annoying silent "Thank you" whenever Sleazebag repeats a praise. Kewpinites who declare their lust for this guy must be either short sighted and can take off their glasses when they finally shag Kewpie in their dreams or they have a thing for constipated gay chinhuahuas. Trenyce gets the next Seat, followed by Josh Don't Tell. Yes, Josh Don't Tell. Wow, you American voters can be so fickle. Saddam's gone, and so's Josh? Then again, maybe these voters finally listen to Josh Don't Tell sing for the first time.
"Funny" clip time. Carmurp - who else? - plays a Daddy's girl who sneaks away with her Daddy's car to meet her token Black female friends Trenyce and Burger Queen. Kewpie, Ruben, and Josh Don't Tell look strangely at home flipping burgers. We see Josh Don't Tell flipping Carmurp who then straddles his meaty waist - Mrs Don't Tell cheers in joy from the audience - and then Carmurp's Daddy comes and takes back his car. As Carmurp watches from the restaurant window, a woman who looks just like Carmurp grown up comes over and kisses Daddy all over. The whole thing is vaguely Freudian and totally disturbing.
As Josh Don't Tell walks to the Seats of Shame, the camera pans on Josh's family - all African American, all cheering him. Huh? Can I make jokes about Josh's mother and the milkman?
Randy Randy says that only Carmurp deserves to be there. Miss Paula says that if Carmurp goes, she goes out with a bleat, sorry, bang. "If I am honest," King Tut begins. "Yes, be honest for once," Randy Randy cuts in. "It doesn't matter," King Tut resumes. The two left from the three will never win this show - they will really have to raise the bar. You hear that, Trenyce fans? That idiot has spoken. Let's try and prove him wrong. Let's topple down his darling Ruben!
Trenyce is safe. She looks shocked. I'm shocked. I'm resigned to the fact that she may be gone tonight, but now that she's safe - wow. Trenyce fans have the power. I will never doubt you folks again. Let's get the show rolling - Trenyce for Final Four!
It's Josh Don't Tell or Carmurp now. One of them is going to home. Wow, this is like a dream Bottom Two! Hubby and I high five each other - who cares who is going, we only care that one will go, and hopefully the other will go next week. Carmurp goes. She hugs Josh Don't Tell. Her family looks shocked. Sleazebag says that Carmurp has grown so much as we watch Carmurps' eulogy video. Everyone stands up, Randy Randy looking annoyed that he has to do so, and I watch and wonder whether I'm supposed to be moved by the expulsion of this silly young girl, plucked from nowhere to be in the Finals when there are more worthy contestants in the actual prelim rounds when she has clearly no talent to justify her presence here. "We will miss you, sweetheart," Sleazebag says as he hugs Carmurp.
"Who's this 'we'?" hubby says indignantly. "I miss my eardrums more than I miss the Goat Girl!"
"Sleazebag's a queen. He'll use 'we' to address himself, naturally," I tell him.
Even though the show is running longer than expected, Carmurp still gets to sing. I wonder why. Do they want to reaffirm just how right the decision is to kick out Carmurp? She sounds even worse than previously, believe it or not. The remaining Five stand behind her. The amusing thing is, nobody seems sad. Ruben and Kewpie are just standing there with vacant grins on their face. Burger Queen looks pained at having to stand so close to such horrible music making. Trenyce is too busy worrying for her own hide next week - she seems to be lost in thought. Josh Don't Tell, well, he's just standing there too. The judges are talking among themselves.
"One of these days, oh, love will lead you ba-aaa-aaa-aaa..." fade to the 19E logo. The end. Whew. No more Goat Girl. Hey, who has the champagne? It's party time, people, yeah! Celebrate good times, come on! Woo-hoo! It's a celebration.
But don't lower your guards, Trenyce fans. Next week, the right-wing Middle America will be on a patriotic rampage to "stop the terrorists, vote for Josh Don't Tell". The Kewpie-Ruben allies of ours are throwing their weight mostly behind Burger Queen - Trenyce is now the contestant with the smallest fanbase. We need to marshal the troops and attack with our autodiallers. Trenyce for Final Four - she deserves no less. Lance Corpulent Josh Don't Tell has to go down next week!