Season 2: Don't Let the Sun Go Down on Me

Okay, I better confess: we missed a good thirty minutes of this show. The show started half an hour earlier to accommodate the special one-hour results episode, and we forgot all about it and tuned in at the usual time and - oops. We missed Kimborlee, the Hairless Kewpie, Nasheka, Uglivia Mojibba and Carmurp Rhurbaabaasen. Judging from their later encore performances though - and what on the mp3 tracks of their performances on Kazaa - I don't think I missed much. Kimborlee does a lifeless and flat rendition of I Feel The Earth Move, the Hairless Kewpie does a flawless but rather lacklustre rendition of Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me, Uglivia Mojibba can barely be heard over the background track (she sings Because You Love Me), Nasheka's Wind Beneath My Wings can cause rigor mortis with all the lifelessness it contains, and Carmurp Rhurbaabaasen can't fight the mad sheep disease with her prionic-infection off-key, overly-viBAAAAtoed Can't Fight The Moonlight.

I guess when the four non-32 slipped through the cracks, they really did slip - bad.

As we sit on the couch after switching on the TV, Janine Falsone, Dark Hair from the first audition episode, walks onto the stage and breaks into a truly shaky rendition of Pat Benatar's We Belong. She sounds like croking bullfrogs mating the wrong way at the wrong ends. I better point out that the evil Assface Pianist has been decommissioned this week and they have the Nine singing to background tracks complete with background vocals (and sometimes the main vocal). In this case, it's J Lo all over again as the background vocalists' exuberant "We belong!" drowns out Janine's thin and limp vocals. Janine's higher notes are very shaky - is she nervous?

King Tut, reading my mind, points out that Janine has as much passion as a kitten "mewling" (his word, not mine). The song is great, but completely wrong for Janine as the song requires a strong, confident, and full-bodied voice to make it soar. Not Janine's puny Karaoke Love Hewitt impersonation. Charmaine Miss Paula, looking really great and animated and even critical today (she's sober today, hallelujah), says that Janine sounds so much better in New York. Randy Randy calls Janine "drop dead" but she didn't impress him at all.

Oh well.

Ryan Sleazebag is wearing a white shirt that is loose yet body-huggy at the same time. Around his neck is a black string-like necklace. Looks like someone visited Jeff Proboscis on his Survivor Amazon stint for some nookie before coming back here to host this show. His hair is really disheveled in the artful way only ten tubs of extra-large Brylcreem can provide, and he has this worn-out, weary look that broadcasts I Am Jeff Proboscis' Candiru Fish When My Other Boyfriends Are Away.

No wonder King Tut Simon is really depressed today. As he slouches, sighs, and rips apart the Nine in his pent-up desires and jealousy over Sleazebag's open infidelities, Sleazebag is openly sowing the fields of the talentfree hopefuls on this show.

Next up is Chip Days. He has bought a shirt this time around because King Tut doesn't like the sweater he wore last week. Sleazebag inadvertently lets the cat out of the bag when he says that Chip "may" have borrowed one of Sleazebag's shirt. Did Chip hope that King Tut would mistake him as his paramour Sleazebag and give him high praise? More importantly, did he and Sleazebag... after last week...?

Off-camera, King Tut closed his eyes painfully and pressed his hand on his aching heart. Poor King Tut. Later, he is rumored to have wept in Miss Paula's arms, "I believed him when he told me that he would leave Ricky Martin for me and we would live happily ever after in Soho. Oh, how can I be such a fool! Come back, Sleazebag, come back to meeeeeyahhwahhh - oh, sob sob boo hoo hoo!"

No wonder the poor man is not coming back next season. This must be a heartbreaking ordeal for King Tut.

Oblivious to the rising temper in King Tut, Chip Days proceed to smile before launching into Rock With You. He bends his legs a little, swings his shoulders left to right to left again, and points his fingers dramatically at you and you and you as he goes "I wanna rock with you!" Obviously he is overcompensating for his rather blah singing with some theatrics, but it's all wrong. Firstly, King Tut can be seen staring at Chip on the TV with a really thunderous expression - ooh, the man is insane with jealousy - until finally, he can't take it anymore and leaps over the table and rips Chip's shirt off the man. "How dare you put your slutty hands on my man!" he screams before attacking Chip and they roll on the floor like two wrestlers in a gay porn movie.

Okay, King Tut doesn't do that. Instead, he tells Chip that Chip is terrible. Chip's a good singer but he chose the wrong song there. Chip can do better, King Tut is sure. (Left unsaid: there is no way King Tut is letting this freak advance for letting Sleazebag 'dress him up' - meow!) Randy Randy mentions that Chip has changed his looks and followed the Evil Tirumvirate's advice to spruce up the showmanship. He likes Chip. "Good job!" Miss Paula tells Chip. "We like you," she adds. I don't know who is this "we" she is referring to, unless she's talking about Randy or the secret invisible friend she has in her own mind. She tells Chip that he has more of a personality this time. Randy Randy agrees.

In the Red Room, careful not to let their unspoken sexual tension show on TV, Sleazebag asks Chip what the latter think is King Tut's problem with his performance. "Wrong song choice," Chip says. He doesn't add that it's probably his performance with Sleazebag and the energetic six-hour encore after his performance that made King Tut see red, but there you go. Sleazebag nods, his expression one of concern, but we all know better, don't we? He's telegraphing "Eight o'clock? My place?" in his secret body language right there and then with Chip.

Next is Aliceyn Cooney. She sings - again - Angel. This lady mistakes high volume for high notes, and she is sharp when she's singing the chorus. Oh, and she's standing there as lively as a piece of plank. Dull, dull, dull.

King Tut likes the performance but he's not jumping out of his chair. Aliceyn says that she can see that. Still, good job, King Tut tells her. Randy Randy points out that she sounds shaky and nervous, but he thinks she's okay overall. Miss Paula proves that she can be a good judge when she is sober by telling Aliceyn that she likes her but she wishes that the lady has chosen a different song to sing, because all Miss Paula has heard of her is Angel. King Tut gleefully points out that Miss Paula is becoming more and more like him every day. Miss Paula exclaims that she must get away from him and throws herself to Randy Randy, who hugs her and tells the camera that this is where she really belongs. Good grief.

Well, it's time for a commercial break, and before we go, they show a clip of a young, unwashed homeless creep coming in to beg for feed... wait, that's actually Justin Gurgling. Eeeuw. What's with that ugly woolen hat and that stubble thing, dude? You want to look like an albino and malnourished Sam Jackson or something? All the gals except Uglivia profess their admiration for him. Hah, please, these gals will profess their love and admiration for a flatulence-prone bulldog if they believe it will make them look cool on camera. Next!

After the break, it's Trenyce's turn. She looks like an extra from Moulin Rouge - she's... pink. That hair! But damn, that lady can perform. Al Green's Let's Stay Together just comes to life in this lady's gorgeous swing of things. Miss Paula is seen raising her hands to sway along with Trenyce's sexy and smoky performance. Trenyce still growls a little too often at the lower register parts, but I like how she sings "paybee" instead of "baby". Now this is how great songs should be performed by American Idol contestants. This is how you choose a great song to deliver a fabulous performance that just kicks me up and makes me swing along after what seems like an endless parade of talent-free ballad karaoke.

Best performance today, Trenyce, bravo. I'd really vote if I'm watching this show live in America.

The Evil Sweetpeas stand up and give a well-deserved ovation. "You brought it all," Randy Randy tells her, "You did your thing. Very nice!" Miss Paula says, "You shone the last time, you are even better tonight." But King Tut, still seething at the thought of Chip, Ricky Martin, and a thousand other people leaving palm imprints all over Seacrest's bum, just sighs and says, "No comment." I think King Tut is officially not cool anymore. "But I'm in a bad mood," he moans with a sexy pout - yes, I find it sexy, much to my shame. At Miss Paula's dark look, he slouches up and claps half-heartedly.

Sleazebag is merciless as he rips on King Tut's bad mood to Trenyce in the Red Room. Suddenly Sleazebag is kinda hot. Any man who loves my sweet Trenyce is all right in my book. You go, Trenyce! You make this sorry episode worthwhile!

And now it's time for the results episode. It'll be painful to see them stretch the revelation of four names as winners of tonight to fill one long hour.

The results episode! Sleazebag is back in a demure grey shirt with a darker patch that is the left breast pocket. Not a very impressive sight, and the grey clashes badly with Sleazebag's machine tan.

In case you're not aware of the twist, this time four of the Nine will be chosen to the Final 12. Yes, there will be 12 contestants in the final, as opposed to the previous season's ten. Why 12? That's because the show people want to have more episodes and make more money from advertizing and product placement, of course. At the end of the day, crass commercialism is what drives this show and the whole world.

We look at the contestants. Kimborlee has choked her grandmother's poodle dead and wears poor dead Poochie on her head. The Hairless Kewpie, having discovered heterosexuality, is enjoying himself squeezed between the ladies. He has brought a male friend and a female friend in the Red Room for support. That guy is cute. I wonder if Sleazebag will try and get a Kewpie sandwich after the show.

"And speaking of bitter," Sleazebag says, and proceeds to rip on King Tut for his bad mood the previous episode. Wondering aloud if King Tut's speedos are too tight, Sleazebag points out that King Tut looks miserable the whole last episode. Don't believe him? Here's a montage of clips showing King Tut sighing, lying back with his head thrown back, and more. Deciding that King Tut needs a hug, Sleazebag calls the Nine and their Red Room hangers-on to come out and give King Tut a hug stampede - and they do. Cute!

King Tut calls out again and again, oh no, what is happening to this show?

Randy Randy answers by saying that this is a love show, man.

King Tut finally admits that he is feeling bitter at the first and second associate producers of the show. They are pathetic, he says - they are a pain in the ass to work with. There's a very interesting theory going around that suggests that King Tut may be genuinely bitter: the bringing back of the useless four non-32 gals are the producers' idea and King Tut is not happy with it. There are also rumors that he is pressured to choose a non-32 to advance to the finals, and as a middle finger to the producers, he chooses to worst of the four: the bleating sheep Carmurp.

Yeah, he actually chooses Carmurp. I will feel sorry for the seventeen-year old lass for being a pawn in King Tut's struggle with his producers if I don't have to see her again next week. At least En-REEEEK-ay or the Virgin Keith are bad but funny. Carmurp is just sad to watch.

But I'm getting ahead of myself.

Back to the show, Sleazebag then brings out the eight that has made it to the finals so far.

Bigboy walks out, still looking like a patchwork of bad denim and street clothes. Ugh. Tomato, dull, always at the verge of what seems like a nervous breakdown or a hysterical outburst, walks out next. I don't remember her being this busty. Hmm. Kimberweave next, in a white dress that doesn't flatter her at all. Ruben is next, in another hideous sports shirt - maybe it's the same shirt he wore at the third prelim round only he sprays it yellow this time. Ugh. Creepy Rickey - yucks. Get lost, you freak. Livvie Oliverie, in red, trying too hard to be perky. Dial it down, girl. Josh Don't Tell, looking the most decently dressed of the bunch. And then there's Corey Manilli, smug and still looking as if he's too cool for words, yikes. It's like Benetton's United Colors of Suckdom: Atrocities of Fashion Revealed. The professional stylists hired to give the winners of the show must be having nightmares just watching this bunch.

Then, as soon as they walk in single file, they are asked to walk out again. And they do. It's quite funny - why even bring these people out only to herd them back in like that? But if any of them complain, we never hear it. Besides, this is only a taste of what is to come: the winners will be getting orders from their managers and more 24/7 and they damn well do as they say. Such is the glory of American Idol: just ask Kelly Cluckson and Justin Gurgling, has-beens already, as they are forced to have a pretend relationship just to whet the appetites of the more pathetic teenaged groupies of this show. The producers must see this year's ridiculously overzealous and overdramatic Kewpinites - you know who you are - and drool in anticipation of what they will put the Kewpie through just to make more moolah. From Kewpie to Kimborlee! Kewpie candles that can double as vibrators! Hello Kewpie plush toys! Oh, enterpreneurism sure has its rewards.

Sleazebag tries to create a Kimborlee-Kewpie thing. Oh please, Kimborlee says, she is as "single" (she does the double inverted commas gesture with her fingers) as they come. Everytime they all go out, gals swamp Kewpie. Ah, those rabid Kewpinites.

(Shameless confession: I have downloaded all the tracks from Kewpie's demo album from Kazaa and I must admit, I really enjoy Let's Get Our Groove On that I hear it only two hundred times a day. Okay, yes, I'll buy his album, so sue me, I'm a Kewpinite - aah! I'm so ashamed.)

Sleazebag turns his attention back to King Tut and says that King Tut is out of line insulting Big Boss Nigel like that. "Shall I zap him?" Miss Paula asks. "Sorry," King Tut says. Miss Paula decides not to zap him.

It's really nice to see how these people are going to fill up one hour with pointless and inane banters that I don't give a damn about unless King Tut and Sleazebag are going to get naked and try on each other's Speedos.

Sleazebag recaps what the judges said of the Nine. I get a chance to catch up on what I missed too. For Uglivia, King Tut says she chose the wrong song and Miss Paula calls her child-like. For Trenyce, Sleazebag wins my love when he recaps King Tut's "I'm in a bad mood" and adds, "As if we care!" Kimborlee, Miss Paula says she has star quality, King Tut calls her unimpressive, and Randy Randy says that he doesn't like the song on her but she's still good. Sleazebag tags "my man" after calling out Kewpie's name in the memory of their hot night of love where he consoles poor Kewpie after losing to Kimberweave and Ruben. Randy Randy says that Kewpie is "really, really good". Miss Paula says Kewpie has raised the bar. King Tut says "wow, wow, I'm really impressed".

The rest - well, I can't be bothered, to be honest. I am busy opening my Kazaa program on the computer to play Let's Get Our Groove On. There's something kind of cute in the way Kewpie overenunciates the words until "Let's make love" comes out so guardedly, it is as if he's a nervous virgin offering himself for sacrifice or something.

Sleazebag apparently can't make out the name on the card for America's choice. He and the judges make a show about trying to make out where an N is an X or something. Maybe they will make contestants perform short stupid skits next season in addition to singing. You know, I don't care and I don't care to recall what these stupid people do to fill up the time, although King Tut smacking his own hand and calling himself bad is cute.

Randy Randy chooses Kimborlee to the finals. Gee, no surprises there. They may as well hand her the American Idol title, the way they are so desperate for her to win. Why her? Her voice may be one of the better ones, but she's always flat. Her performance this time is just a perfect example. She sounds as if she has smoked six packs of Malboros just before breaking into I Feel The Earth Move. Kimborlee's voice is easy on the ears as long as she doesn't strain, but she does, and she goes really flat in the higher notes. She's a good performer and she's a prime camera hog, but really, she just doesn't have much range.

At the back, Miss Paula twirls in Randy Randy's arms as they dance the Fat Tiny Waltz. King Tut just slouches on his seat and sulks. Forget it, man, Sleazebag's not coming back to you.

Kewpie's smile was wide and too pleased with how things are going as he watches Kimborlee. I don't think the rabid Kewpinites watching will be very happy about this. Heh heh heh. We also see Kimborlee's mother who looks like one of those former Miss Southern Belle people who just can't get over the idea that they should age gracefully and not look like an old woman trying too hard to look like an overtarted sixteen-year old.

To waste more time, we see the Nine attending the premier of a crappy movie called Oliver Beene. Uglivia wears the same dress as a reporter while Kewpie makes scary faces. A cute lil' boy gets hugged by Kimborlee and Janine. Why isn't that cute boy on this show? Why is Carmurp on the show instead?

Back to the show, Miss Paula proceeds to go on and on about how she believes in this person since day one and how this person has been "consistent" and "unbelievably polished". She chooses... Trenyce! "Trenyce, my dear, I love you! You look more beautiful today," she gushes as Trenyce runs up to embrace her. Even King Tut stands up this time. And yes, Sleazebag at the back looks pleased as well.

Who would've thought Miss Paula will turn out to be most sober, best judge this season? Seriously, Trenyce will probably stay on the finals long after Carmurp (oh please) and Kimborlee get the boot. I never believe I'll be saying this, but Paula, you rock. You absolutely rock for giving Trenyce the well-deserved boost to the finals. She blows the lacklustre Tomato, Bigboy, and pretty much most of the Final 12 out of the water. A great Final Two will be Trenyce and Kewpie, if things go my way.

Miss Paula asks King Tut to dance and Trenyce adds, "Please!"

When Trenyce sings, the show seems to come to life. She sounds even better this time with her Let's Stay Together, with the growling thing kept to a minimum. Miss Paula swings her head and the men of the Final 12 are seen to be dancing in the Red Room. Then there is Trenyce's mother crying into her hands. King Tut doesn't dance, but he stands up to clap with the others when Trenyce is finished.

I'll say it again: you go, girl!

Sleazebag is merciless when it comes to King Tut's selecting his choice. He rightfully repeats all the negative comments King Tut had told the remaining contestants, so who would King Tut choose? Sleazebag couldn't imagine.

"I chose you!" King Tut yelled. "I gave you my heart, Sleazebag, but you freaking stepped on it and break it to a million pieces!"

Okay, so he chooses Carmurp, the girl he said "weren't good enough". He says that he was watching the tapes the night before - Sleazebag, my new boyfriend, asks him how much he is drinking while watching - and he realizes that Carmurp doesn't sound too bad and she has that special "something". Yeah, that something that will get her kicked off the show next week, that's for sure. To make the point that you shouldn't be drinking and enjoying what King Tut was enjoying when he decided that Carmurp is good, Carmurp proceeds to murder Can't Fight The Moonlight, sheep experiencing difficult delivery style, in a voice that is at least three notes too low. No life, no expression, no stage presence, and drowned by LeeAnn Rimes' vocals in the background, Carmurp is being set up as the joke in the finals, and the poor gal has just no idea.

The background manipulation of this show to have a 6 male/6 female and 6 African-American/6 White or Whitish contestants has cheated Chip, if you ask me. The producers of this show should be dragged out to the front and be pelted with bad Britney Spears CDs for being this disgraceful in their machinations. Carmurp, for chrissakes - Carmurp!

Oh, and can you guess who the America's choice is?

Oh, please, can't you at least pretend to be surprised? They go at such lengths to keep the suspense, what will all that "I cannot the card!" theatrics from master thespian Sleazebag here.

Oh, alright - it's Kewpie. He hugs everybody - especially Uglivia and Nasheka and when the parade of Finalists walk out to greet him, he hugs Ruben, Kimberweave, and well, everybody except Corey Vanilli who is too smug and pretentious for such gestures. Corey and Kewpie just hug briefly and part ways.

Kewpie's song is polished, but I am wishing that this guy will perform something a little bit more lively. He's a good singer, but his crazy Kewpinites that swamp every message board proclaiming him the second and third coming are making him dangerously close to being overrated. Heck, Gary Barlow and Rick Astley sing lovely ballads in a polished style, but where are they now? If you can't groove, you don't go anywhere.

King Tut tells the Finalists to be original and admit they hate each other's guts. Miss Paula tells them to eat right and take care of themselves. Randy Randy asks them to "bring it on" every night.

I'm shocked that again, Miss Paula is the only person who says something that is of use for once.

Everybody hug, and that's a wrap. I'm out of here until next week.