Main cast: Rusty Joiner (John Norton), Masiela Lusha (Princess Aleya), Wesley John (Whitefeather), Isaac C Singleton Jr (Fangmark), Adam Johnson (Gorejaw), and Samantha Law (Anathema)
Director: Kohl Glass
Here is what I don’t understand. These people hire underwear and fitness model Rusty Joiner to star in a B-grade flick, and then make him wear clothes. Okay, he gets shirtless a few times, but really now, it’d probably draw in more people to watch and cut down on wardrobe costs if they had just stuff him in a skimpy loincloth for the entire movie.
Anyway, Orc Wars. The script is like the brainchild of some kid who borrowed heavily from every cheesy fantasy video game and novel out there. Our hero, John Norton, is an ex-soldier whose experiences in Iraq left him woeful and blue. Deciding to withdraw from society, he buys a ranch in the middle of nowhere, only to find his sanctuary invaded first by an elf-like woman who calls herself a Princess, and then, a bunch of orcs. Yes, they are actually orcs.
It turns out that John is destined to be the next Sentinel of the Gate, a dude who guards a nearby cave which acts as a gateway to the orcs’ world, and protect Princess Aleya from the clutches of the orcs’ boss, a creature called Anathema. Fortunately, Earthlings are a popular choice as Sentinels because we have guns here and the orcs are either too proud or too dumb to adjust their warfare strategies accordingly – they go down to guns very easily. It’s a good thing that John knows his guns. (Let’s overlook the fact that most of the time the guns he uses have telescopic sights with the protective caps still in place, as I’m sure these guys couldn’t afford to hire someone who really knows guns to be a consultant for this film.) But how many bullets does he have to keep up with the orcs? There are so many of them… or maybe it’s just the same guys pretending to be many orcs? Anyway, it’s all so exciting, it’s like washing the hair twice as long as usual.
Well, there’s no way to say it nicely: this movie is absolutely dreadful. The very premise is flawed, in that we keep having the orcs charging around the place like idiots, falling to a hail of bullets again and again. Where’s the suspense? Oh wait, the suspense comes in the form of Princess Aleya, who can’t even sneeze without being assaulted by these orcs. I have no idea how she manages to grow to be as old as she is, since she can’t do anything at all without needing to be rescued. Naturally, she is very proactive in seeking out ways to get herself into trouble. Men like John are called Sentinels probably because “Sentinel” is easier to spell than “babysitter”.
The problem with this movie is that it takes itself seriously, when it should have just gone camp and ramp up the absurdity to compensate for its low budget and weak script. The story is basically dumb orcs and damsels in distress doing dumb things over and over, and there isn’t much to be entertained by here because the movie borrows heavily from better action fantasy tales without doing anything to make them interesting or fun. Really, they should just have made the hero and the heroine run around in skimpy outfits, because as a “serious” movie, this one is not much fun at all.
Loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, Lego, chocolates, tasty buffets, video game music, and fantastical stories.