Dirrty (2002)
Director: David LaChappelle

Little Christina Aguilera, or Xtina as she wants to be called, has grown up. She wants the world to know, and she wants the world to see just how she has grown up. This is possibly the only reason why she would make a video like Dirrty. Talk about nasty - Britney Spears will probably have to cavort naked with five huge Dobermanns to top this video.

The video opens with the camera panning in on Xtina walking away from us. She's wearing orange-red panties that shows off the dimples on her bum, and the camera focuses on the X at the center of the back of those panties. What's that X supposed to mean? Treasure Island? I don't want to speculate.

Then comes the rent-a-rapper Redman's ugly face, saying, "Dirrty!"

The camera pans in on Xtina's face. She has a left nose stud and a stone under her lower lip. Then on to her back as she puts on her jacket as her voice whispers "Dirrty!" Redman follows with a "Filthy!" Xtina zips up the front of jacket in what is supposed to be tantalizing slowness as Redman says "Nasty!" Xtina takes up her helmet from what seems like her room, complete with underaged Thai prostitute ad poster, which suggests that Xtina here is probably underaged and is available for lots of American dollars.

I didn't see the poster, I'll just take the words of the Thai censors who have banned this video in Thailand. I don't know how they notice it. They must have their noses pressed at the monitor of the screen to notice, and if they do that, I'm sure it's all for the greater good of the people of Thailand.

Xtina climbs on a bike and vroom! "We are here to party!" Redman yells and boom! We see Xtina's bike - or maybe it's a stuntwoman under the helmet, but how many skinny stunt womans do you know anyway (must be Xtina)? - going down what seems like an illegal boxing ring filled with hunky shirtless men and women wearing tight and skimpy tank-tops. Woo, this is definitely not the Mickey Mouse Club I remember. I wish the Mickey Mouse Club is like this one.

Hey, how did Xtina get into that tiger show cage? Anyway, the crowd cheers as she stands there in the cage, poised like Jesus coming down to save the sinners in the sin. Then poom! She takes off her helmet and jacket, and it all goes to hell.

Firstly, she is orange. Seriously, she is orange in color. Someone must have gone overboard with the bling bling Body Glo thing. Then her braids are from hell, the greasy part, and this same sheen of grease seems to shine on Orange Glow Xtina here. She is wearing a dirty-looking pale bra with vertical red stripes and here's the worst - orange-red panties under cowboy chaps and nothing else. The crowd makes a loud noise, they're probably shrieking in horror at Gremlin Ghoul Xtina here who is strutting around the ring and punching her hands in the air. Xtina looks as if she has been dipped in leftover water that has been used to boil chicken and then scrubbed raw with bilgewater and lard before being beaten with an ugly stick. I like how she looks. Really.

Now she is seated in the corner of the ring. Good lord, she's a boxer. With that scrawny frame, I can't imagine how she can be one, unless her opponents are matchsticks like Callista Flockhart. (Hmm, I'd pay good money to see Xtina sock it at Ally McBeal, come to think of it.) She is surrounded by hulking shirtless men of distinctly African or Latin descend - remember, Xtina is now street and she is "urban" - and they are all looming over and nodding as she sings out the first verse. She opens her legs and closes them and reopens them slowly again. With her bright red panties and the chaps providing a clear view at the flaming redness at her crotch, you can't miss what she's doing, that dirrty slut.

Now she's strutting around the stage. Five beefy female backup dancers stand behind her, and they too look African or Latin, making pale Xtina stand out like a wannabe street ho that she is. They are dressed in a variation of skimpy tank tops and cut-offs and they dance along with Xtina in what must be the Ho Ho Hump.

Here's how you do the Ho Ho Hump. Stand with your butt thrust back up a bit, just a bit. Bend your hands a little and put your palms facing outwards, fingers spread. Wave those hands and look pouty in your sluttiest come-hither look. (Look at an Angelina Jolie photo and practice.) Then do a Mariah (your right hand bent over the top of your head while standing with your side and your face facing the audience) and gyrate that bootie in the sauciest bump-and-grind you can muster.

Then let your hands fall and face the audience as you make a twirl and shake that butt saucily at the audience while you're twirling. Now lift your right hand over your head as you thrust your crotch forth (bend back a little to achieve the lift) and whee, swing your hand around and over your head and thrust your chest and that crotch out at the same time. Careful you don't thrust too hard and fall back and break your back. If you have braids from hell like Xtina that will fly around your head to create that insane shrieking banshee effect, that's even better. Repeat with the left hand.

Then bring those hands down. Jump up a little and thrust those kittens forth, oh yes. Raise your hands and wave them like how those male rappers will do in those videos when they say nonsense like "Moron in da house! Bootie thang in da house, yeahhh!" Only this time you say nonsense like, "Sweatin' till my clothes come off!"

Then you turn so that your left side face the audience. Turn your face to the audience, look up with your eyes that have been blacked by kohl, raccoons from hell style, and says "Uh!" in your best orgasm voice as you stomp your left foot down (not too hard, remember you are supposed to be dirrty, not elephantine) and thrust your chin and bosom hard in the air. For best effect, wear a good push-up for best bounce when you do that thrust forward thing.

Now wiggle those hips for five seconds. Then face the audience again, put your arms to cover your bosom demurely for a second before flinging those arms out until they are spread wide. This must be the Demure Virgin Looking Like Crap Offering Her Sweet Buns move that I heard so much about. Then twist your hips with all the exuberance you can muster, making sure that your flaming red panties command maximum attention (draw a face at the crotch if you have to).

Put your hands on the top of your head, ala Mariah again. Then bring it down in a slow motion, cupping your breasts for a minute before letting them fall to the waist. Then squat down a little, spread those hips wide, and then go down and gyrate as if there is an imaginary, uh, you know, there's something nice and solid that you can grind to. Anyway, then slowly rise up and gyrate those hips as you turn your back slowly to the audience. Raise your hands and spread them wide and thrust those kittens forward once again.

Then turn back to face the audience, put your hands at a splayed out angle from your body, puts on your best f**k-me face, and as you make each step towards the audience, shake those kittens hard, and I do mean hard. Sing, "Make some noise!" and then "Party!"

Perform this at the local PTA meeting and let me know how it goes.

Meanwhile, Xtina is having a blast with the Ho Ho Hump interspersed with scenes of her sitting at the corner of the ring looking all mean and tough and she points her finger at the audience. Her act could be erotic if those men surrounding her are actually doing something rather than just nodding their head stupidly and staring at her the way you would stare at Xtina in this video and think, "Is she for real?" In fact, I bet that's what they're thinking, if they're not wondering how the heck did she get so orange in color.

Xtina now rolls on the floor of the ring, gets on all four (her dancers are in sync with her), and predictably hump the floor as she screeches, "Now is my arrival!" Arrival must be the polite word from coming, which is, come to think of it, the same thing, isn't it? Be assured she's the only one doing the arrivals in the house. I wouldn't be caught dead in those panties and those hair extensions and being more orange than an orange. Then she swings one leg over the string/rope/whatever around the ring and humps it suggestively. Someone have mercy and buy her a vibrator, for goodness sake.

Then comes the second verse, and we're still in the ring, but Xtina has changed her outfit. She has a red cut-off blouse that reach only the bottom of her kittens and a micro-micro-mini grey mesh skirt over her flaming orange panties. Here's the Ho Ho Hump Part II: raise one hand up high, put the other hand over your crotch, fingers pointing towards your pearly gates, and thrust your crotch forth so that the skirt lifts up to revealing those lovely panties. Turn left, repeat, turn right, repeat. That way, everybody has a chance to admire those panties and ask you where they can get one pair too.

Now we're back to the ring, everyone's cheering as Xtina's boxing rival, a gal in blue and blue helmet, climbs down from a ladder extending from the ceiling.

Xtina, oblivious of the danger of being pummeled to death, still dances, this time pulling off her blouse to reveal silvery dalmatian-patterned bra. There's a writing at the waist of her skirt, but I can't read it, and to be honest, I don't want to know what the word is. Lots of humping, crotch thrusting, and enough moves to make this video an essential training vid for aspiring pole dancers, strippers, and American Idol contestants. As the rival now charges towards Xtina, one of the dancers crawl on all fours towards Xtina, and Xtina lovingly humps and faux grinds her crotch at the dancer's face. It's as erotic as watching hardened porn movie actresses reenacting the obligatory lesbian scene they have no interest in actually doing, and it's quite sad to watch because Xtina is a young singer, not some hardened porn star. Right?

She wiggles her butt at the dancer, the dancer slaps it and she slaps her own butt too, and then, realizing that her rival in blue means business, Xtina's set to rumble at last. But first she needs a drink, so one of her nodding robotic studs pass her a water bottle with those long strawlike extensions. She puts her mouth on that straw-thing and lovingly proves to us audience that Xtina is no stranger to the intricacies of chewing and swallowing. Yes, boys, you don't have to worry anymore. Yes, she does. Have fun!

Then she spits the water to the floor, telling everybody how tough she is, so you boys better don't try anything funny with her.

Then she's off to knock her rival in blue. Lots of fake boxing moves follow, until Xtina whacks her rival down in a match that is supposed to be the porn of porn that isn't really porn. Or something. In between we are treated with Xtina, legs splayed and squatting on the ground, doing a nice humping-an-invisible-macaroni dance that you people shouldn't attempt to perform without adult supervision.

Then it's Redman's turn to earn his lunch by rapping. He walks down this hallway of what seems like a list of all the seedy fetish sex things ever. I manage to catch the following: furry animal sex maniacs, closed-space asyphyxiation sex maniacs, a young boy surrounded by adults (let's not go there), a bulldog (ditto), Amazonian women and the men who are crazy about them, leather fetish, mud wrestling. Britney can only wish she can be this diverse in her democractic striptease.

Then Redman is dancing with Xtina and lots of half-clad people. This is like a night club scene out of Queer As Folk, come to think of it, all those shirtless beefcakes and all. I wish I was an extra in this video. Then we have Xtina cavorting with four women in a dimly-lit room filled ankle-deep with water... at least I hope it is water. It's probably the light that makes the water looks faintly yellowish and it's probably me after too many episodes of Oz that the room resembles a prison shower area. Anyway, Xtina gyrates, humps, and gets molested by her female dancers like some really bad lesbian porn geared towards heterosexual men. This scene is interspersed with Party Xtina humping the hips and crotch of male dancers of the party.

At the last note of the song - an "ah!" - everyone stops and pouts at the camera as if they have just been doing a five minute reenactment of Fame instead of Xtina Does Everybody.

I can't wait for the concert DVD.

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