The Tuxedo (2002)
Main cast: Jackie Chan (Jimmy Tong), Jennifer Love Hewitt (Del Blaine), Jason Isaacs (Clark Devlin), Debi Mazar (Steena), Ritchie Coster (Diedrich Banning), and Peter Stormare (Dr Simms)
Director: Kevin Donovan

Welcome to the annual Let's See Mrs Giggles Shove A Burning Crowbar Up Jackie Chan's Rectum fiesta. I really don't want to watch this movie. Jackie Chan and Jennifer Love Hewitt in a movie together? It's surely the sign of the apocalypse. But my husband insists that it's only fair. He suffered through Possession with me, and now it's my turn to suffer with him.

The Tuxedo is surely the result of a round-robin session at the local watering hole filled with drunk, bleary-eyed frat boys. It has no logic - unsurprisingly, this is a Jackie Chan movie after all - but it also has not many action scenes. What it is is long, tedious exposition and the unseeming idol worship of an ugly womanizing troll speaking English in an atrocious accent.

Jackie plays Jimmy, a chauffeur who gets to wear a tuxedo that enhances his pugilistic skills. Boobwit plays a secret agent who becomes Jackie's girly, because in Jackie's movies, every girlie falls for him even if he looks like the fourth missing member of the Ghoulies that live inside the toilet bowl. Together they foil a megalomaniac's plan to poison the world's water supply.

By downplaying what makes Jackie even remotely useful, ie his pugilistic skills, this movie becomes nothing more than a tedious overlong show featuring a whiny actress and a wrinkled monkey-faced troll who speaks atrocious English. In his Hong Kong movies, Jackie speaks confidently, flies hard, and has the world at his feet. In this, his American movie, he is rendered into a muted, lost, and tiny troll-faced pork boy. In Hong Kong, Jackie's word is King. In Hollywood, he has to take orders from an ex-beer commercial director.

Call me evil, but this uncharitable thought keeps me sane and has me sniggering throughout this vile waste of time.

Rating: 10

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