Kiss Of The Dragon (2001)
Main cast: Jet Li (Liu Jian), Bridget Fonda (Jessica), and Tchéky Karyo (Richard)
Director: Chris Nahon

Memo to Jet Li: please don't ever speak until you've mastered the English language. I mean it. Any attempt at enjoying Kiss Of The Dragon as a camp movie is ruined by Li's "Ayyyyee sujeeesst zat you will not zdoo zat again ifzz ayyee weerrz you" that has me cringing in horror. Please shut up.

Is there a plot? Do bear in mind this movie doesn't pretend to be anything more than a no-brainer kung-fu flick where body count is top priority and plot and coherence aren't. Oh, if you insist. Liu Jian is a super-duper cop guy who takes on a corrupt cop (Richard) and a heroin-trafficking ring. Meanwhile, Jessica, whose pimp is Richard, lends Liu a helping hand, the prostitute with a Platinum American Express for a heart that she is.

But I doubt anyone cares for the plot. Punches! Bloody broken jaws! Woo-hoo! Super-flying kick that cracks your temple! Wow. This is pure fun popcorn cinema at its finest. Then Jet Li has to open his big gap and ruins everything. Please, Li, you are so cute and fine and you can do my laundry anytime, but I know you have a regal, majestic voice when you are speaking in Cantonese (see his Once Upon A Time In China flicks for a taste of that Sexy Voice). Here, he is reduced to lisping his English in a voice barely above a whisper. It's pathetic, and it breaks my heart.

Jet Li, please learn English or I will have to end my crush on you. Now that'll be tragic, don't you think, Li?

Rating: 59

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