Main cast: Nicole Parker (Britney Spears) and Mo Collins (Madonna)
Director: “Guy Ritchie”
There are some videos that scream to be parodied, and the desperation-tinged video for that awful Britney Spears and Madonna song Me against The Music is one of them. Trust MadTV to come up with a piercing parody that goes straight for the jugular, although the main target of their barbs is Madonna, not Britney Spears. It’s a hysterical parody worth searching for online if you don’t have access to MadTV – it truly drives home how pathetic the whole faux-lesbian stunt between those two really is.
The video starts with Britney walking down the stairs to a low-rent version of the club the real Britney goes to in the actual video. This video is for the song Me Against Madonna, taken from the CD In My Zone, directed by Guy Ritchie. Britney here is wearing a less skanky version of the outfit in the original video – black pinafore over white shirt. She hops around like an idiot and makes a baby face at the camera as she sings, “All my people in the crowd are really young and I am shallow!”
As she dances, the camera switches to a different scene: a sign says “Retirement Home” and we zoom in on Madonna, sitting in the retirement home TV hall and watching Britney through the plasma screen TV. Madonna makes a face as she waves at an old man slowly coming in to join her and another old folk before the TV. She turns back to watch as Britney jumps up, her hair fanning out dramatically, before bopping down and out of the camera. The old men begin dozing away, leaving alone Madonna to watch and gyrate her bottom (while supporting herself with a walking stick) on the table as she watches Britney dance away with her dancers on the TV screen.
Now Madonna is somehow in the club. She pokes her head through the throng of youngsters on the second level and calls out, “Hey Britney!”
Britney looks up and immediately looks straight at the camera with a look of distaste on her face. “Oh no, she’s here!”
Madonna tries to strike a sexy pose, but it’s not easy when you have a nose sharper than a drill and enough teeth to scare a shark. “Hey, you wanna hang out?” she asks.
“Sorry, I’m kinda busy right now,” says Britney.
Madonna is taken aback. “At a club?” she asks.
“Bye!” Britney says with a dismissive wave of her hand and quickly walks away.
Madonna pushes a guy out of her way as she begins stumbling down the stairs to chase after Britney. Britney gives a silent yelp of fear and quickens her paces, her two female friends pushing her through the door. The sign above the door helpfully says: “Maze”.
Because this video alternates between various incarnations of Britney and Madonna at different locations, Britney at the club will be referred to as Club Britney, Britney in the maze Maze Britney, and Britney in a later scene involving a wall, a swing, and a lot of stupidity Wall Britney. For Madonna, there is Retirement Home Madonna, Maze Madonna, and Wall Madonna.
Club Britney begins singing to the tune of the first verse, “She’s always there every time I turn around. Her creepy stare, her tired ’80s disco sound.”
In the maze, Madonna snickers as she uses her cane to push wider the blinder-like strips that make up the walls of the maze. She can see Britney cowering at that corner, snicker, snicker. Britney shrieks and runs deeper into the maze.
“She follows me, her desperation I can’t take,” Club Britney continues to sing. “She keeps calling me, she’s worst than Justin Timberlake!”
Maze Madonna is seen stumbling as she tries to walk as fast as she can on her walking stick.
Maze Britney finds Madonna’s walking stick. No Madonna. Where is that woman?
Watch out! Maze Madonna is now armed with a four-legged walk support. She can now move faster. Run, Britney, run! The camera does a close-up on Madonna’s face. Her teeth are bared, her lips are pulled back, her eyes are insane with desperation and hunger. Maybe Madonna has finally received her sales statement of her American Life CD.
Maze Britney takes time to strut a pose at the maze as she now sings the pre-chorus bridge, “Ever since I kissed her, she’s been on me like a blister. I don’t need another mother, but she just won’t leave me alone. She won’t leave me alone!”
Maze Madonna has now abandoned her four-legged support and is now on a scooter, peering around for Britney. Britney, where are you, Britney?
Flash to scenes of Club Britney dancing at the club.
Back at the maze, Britney finds Madonna’s dentures on the ground. She picks it up and naturally is grossed out.
Flash again to Club Britney dancing at the club. “I don’t wanna knock her but she’s a crazy stalker. I wish she’d take her walker and just get her butt on home,” she rattles off fiercely.
In the maze, Madonna drives her scooter in a circle and leers at the camera in what is supposed to be a smile. The actress that plays Madonna is really good, although after this clip I won’t be surprised if she never gets a date ever again.
At the other side of the maze, Britney shrieks, “Bitch, leave me alone!”
Club Britney holds her hands behind her head and thrusts her elbows forward each time she shrieks, “Hey, hey, hey!”
Now it’s time for the chorus.
“How about giving me some space?” Maze Britney sings as she stumbles over Madonna’s four-legged walker and flees in terror.
“I just really had to see ya,” Madonna sings. Now they are both against the wall just like in the original video. Flash to Madonna at the retirement home leering at the camera.
Wall Britney turns to press her front against the wall.
Club Britney, fiercely waving off at the camera, growls, “Can’t you get out of my face?”
Retirement Home Madonna gnashes her teeth, “I’ve got a great idea.” Yeah, like kissing Britney on a show to generate publicity for her tanking CD, perhaps? The Madonna against the wall tries to do the yoga thing like in the original video, only she waves her legs up and tries to grab her own butt at the process while rolling around the floor like a spastic imbecile. “It’s a sexy video…” Wall Madonna hints as she rubs her palms against the wall. Wall Britney, whose butt is pressed against the other side of wall, flinches and jumps up in surprise. She can feel Madonna’s touch? Ooh, amazing!
“No, I really do not wanna,” Club Britney quickly interjects.
Wall Britney is trying to listen against the wall, wondering what is going on at the other side. She has her chest pressed against the wall, and psychic Madonna is taking the opportunity to fondle where Britney’s kittens are at the other side of the wall while thrusting her butt out repeatedly.
Retirement Home Madonna sings, “Be my bitch, I’ll be your ho!”
Club Britney, showing the camera her side profile as she thrusts her shoulders forth in that sexy robot dancing motion, sings, “I’m not lezzie like you, Madonna!” While she is singing this, she has female dancers rubbing their chest against her front and back, heh heh. Trust MadTV to point out the hypocrisy of straight females using a straight man’s misconceptions of lesbianism to sell CDs.
Now it’s time for the bridge. “Hey Britney!” Wall Madonna wails as she discovers that she can peer at the other side of the wall and she does. Wall Britney cowers when she sees Madonna leering at her.
“I need some help with my career!” Retirement Home Madonna sings, holding up her walking stick horizontally in both hands and swinging it left to right. She stands up on the table. “Look at my cane,” she sings, “and look where I stick it!” She takes the cane and thrusts it between her legs, just like Madonna did in the actual video, only this Madonna presses her thighs together, reaches behind her, and wedges the cane up higher between her legs.
Club Britney looks really close to throwing up.
“I’m desperate,” Retirement Home Madonna sings, taking out the cane, swinging it once, and then putting it between her legs again. The old man, dozing behind her, wakes up at that moment and stares up at Madonna’s crotch in horror. “That’s why sometimes I pretend I’m queer,” sings this Madonna as she begins thrusting that cane in and out between her legs. It’s really gross yet very hilarious in a tasteless, low-brow way. The other old man is blissfully still asleep. Madonna takes out the cane again and waves it before her. “It was in my pants, who wants to lick it?” she asks.
The dozing old man? He’s now unfortunately awake.
Remember that silly scene in the original video where Madonna is on a swing in a room filled with leaves? Well, this parody has it too. Madonna is on the swing while the camera keeps showing her gaping maw close-up. “Get on the swing,” both Britney and Madonna sing, “try not to heave!” Behind Madonna, Britney can be seen trying to quietly sneak along the wall unnoticed. No chance. “Spread your legs, roll in the leaves,” Madonna sings as she drags a wailing and struggling Britney by the legs along the floor towards her. She then straddles poor Britney and throws red leaves over Britney’s face. Don’t ask. After seeing this, I think even lesbian-porn addicted guys will burn their copies of Girl-Girl Action XXX in horror.
Flash back to the wall scene – what, you expect continuity in this video? – where Madonna releases gas and Britney, at the other side of the wall, hears her and stumbles as she runs away. “I need some of your young blood,” Madonna sings as she corners Britney against the wall in the Crazy Swing And Leaves Room, “please fulfil my hunger!”
Retirement Home Madonna commands the table and thrusts her bottom at the two old men seated on the couch behind her. She then jumps onto the couch to land right between the two men, causing them to recoil in terror. She lifts her legs high and waves them left and right. “My last CD was a dud,” she sings, now lying down on the couch and with the cane stuck between her thighs like a – you know – and swinging that cane right to left to right while the old men could only stare and pray for a cardiac arrest. “I need to be younger!” Madonna on the swing adds.
Wall Britney fliches as Wall Madonna, cornering her, salivates. “All your youth and energy – please, I really need it,” sings Madonna. Club Britney dances. Retirement Home Madonna crawls towards the plasma TV. “Come expose your neck to me,” Wall Madonna sings, tilting Britney’s head to one side. She grins, revealing vampire fangs. “With my fangs I’ll bleed it,” she sings before pressing her fangs to Britney’s exposed neck.
When she’s done, Britney is now a wizened old crone while Madonna looks unwrinkled and young again. Britney looks at her hands in horror, screams, and runs away, leaving Madonna who is looking real smug in victory.
Then Madonna is back at the club. “Hi, everybody, let’s vogue!” she cries, immediately launching into that vogue dance thing – you know, hand on your head, another hand under your chin, that sort of thing. The people around her stop dancing to gape at her as she goes on to chant, “Vogue! Vogue! Vogue! Huh? Good times!” They begin leaving her as she says, “Come on everybody, let’s vogue!” She is left alone in a deserted club, still chanting, “Vogue! Vogue! Vogue!”
And that’s a wrap.