Loyal Khondor (2014)

Posted by Mrs Giggles on April 30, 2017 in 1 Oogie, Idiot Box Reviews, Series: Métal Hurlant Chronicles

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Loyal Khondor (2014)
Loyal Khondor (2014)

Main cast: Karl E Landler (Khondor), Marem Hassler (Princess Alaria), John Rhys-Davies (Holgarth), Scott Adkins (Joe Manda), and Marc Duret (King Targot)
Director: Guillaume Lubrano

Poor Princess Alaria is dying. The script makes it seem like she’s just claustrophobic and bitter after their enemies have overtaken their planet and forced her and her father King Targot to be cooped up in a spaceship as they all flee, but I suppose pretty princesses can’t be slapped out of their doldrums. It just won’t do. Instead, some useful idiot will have to go through life-threatening efforts to cheer her up. That idiot is the loyal retainer, who looks like a monster but is clearly besotted with the princess. He deduces that the princess is dying from the same wasting disease that their enemies used to weaken them before taking over their planet, and now that the precious princess is threatened, only now he will head over to some distant planet for a rare plant that can be used to save her life.

Khondor will travel to seek Holgarth, the “master technowizard” for this plant, because, you know, when your people are all fleeing after your planet is pooped on by your enemies, it is more important to save some princess’s life and not, you know, urge the king to just shag some woman and beget another daughter if he really wants one that much. Holgarth is like, LOL, he doesn’t have the cure, so the joke’s on Khondor, and Khondor is, like, oh no. So he kills himself and lets the princess lap on his blood, as his blood apparently is the cure to the princess’s woe-is-me disease.

Thus, in the end, these morons lose a useful idiot to save a useless princess.

Loyal Khondor is complete of waste of time, and to make things worse, half the time I can’t make out what Khondor is saying. I hope they all get shot down and die for being such morons.

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