Main cast: Dwayne Johnson (Hank Parsons), Josh Hutcherson (Sean Anderson), Vanessa Hudgens (Kailani), Luis Guzmán (Gabato), and Michael Caine (Alexander Anderson)
Director: Brad Peyton
Journey 2: The Mysterious Island is a sequel to Journey to the Center of the Earth in the loosest sense of the word. The common link between these two movies is Josh Hutcherson’s character Sean Anderson.
This time around, Sean is older, and his mother had married Hank Parsons between this movie and the last. Sean generally acts like a bratty rebellious teen, while Hank tries to convince me that he’s the most awesome human that ever walked the earth. In this one, Sean discovers a clue that his MIA grandfather Alexander is out there somewhere. Hank volunteers to bring Sean to this adventure to locate Alexander for no reason other than he’s the most awesome human that ever walked the earth. Together with the tour guide Kailani – who predictably sets Sean’s loins on fire – and her father Gabato, they end up in some mysterious island off Palau that are filled with carnivorous plants, hidden treasures, and a certain submarine called the Nautilus. Oh, and a volcano.
Like the previous movie, this one is a long advertisement for a ride in Disney World. However, while the previous movie was pretty entertaining, this one is akin to a long car trip stuck with five very obnoxious travel companions that I simply cannot avoid. Sean is a very irritating and obnoxious brat with entitlement issues, Kailani exudes surly bimbo vibes from every pore while prancing around in tiny clothes to keep the boys in audience awake, Gabato is just annoying as the stereotypical bumbling greedy sidekick character, and Alexander spends the entire time in a penis-measuring match with Hank to determine which one between them is the more annoying character. After 40 minutes of this movie, I’d cheer if a meteor fell down from the sky and crushed these gnats into dust.
The movie is very predictable, and it is eye-rolling to see the movie tries so much to big Dwayne Johnson’s one-dimensional character up as the most awesome human that ever walked the earth. Hank is a Navy cryptographer who knows structural engineering like it’s his second language, and he’s also supposed to be an all-around talented hunk who can sing and play the ukulele when he’s not trying to be a gentleman and the best father figure in the world. Was the script written by Dwayne Johnson? Sean’s uncle, the character Hank has usurped in this movie, is completely ignored as if he never existed! Still, it’s amusing to see the hate vibes emanating between him and Michael Caine, though. I guess even Mr Caine’s paycheck couldn’t endear him to that gentleman. That or he’s disturbed by the sight of Mr Johnson’s weirdly-located nipples poking out from his sagging manboobs.
Normally, movies of this sort would make some harmless fluffy viewing when there is nothing else to do on a lazy day. But the main characters are just too irritating for words, making the threat of a sequel in the final scene a terrifying one indeed.
Loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, Lego, chocolates, tasty buffets, video game music, and fantastical stories.