Main cast: Davis Brooks (Jayson Bend), Paul Norton (Ray Perdood), Tom Read Wilson (Alec DeCoque), Djalenga Scott (Katya Kokhov), Chris Kum Hoi Lew (Dr Tu Yung), Jonathan Hansler (G), Joseph Potts (Mr DickyDollar), William Ludwig (Max Johnson), and Louise Templeton (L)
Director: Matt Carter
I have no idea what to expect with Jayson Bend: Queen and Country; I just thought the movie art looks pretty enough to give this a try. This one turns out to be a parody of a typical early day James Bond flick… except the people behind this movie forgot that for a parody, one needs to be funny and inventive.
Here, we have Jayson Bend – that’s Jayson with a Y – who is the gay version of James Bond, and Miss Moneypenny is now Mr Dickydollar. The boss is L and the inventor is G. And… that’s about it. Jayson is asked to infiltrate and discover the plot of hair salon empire boss Ray Perdood, who is in cahoot with Dr Tu Young and Katya Kokhov to send a satellite to space for… Hmm, for what purpose exactly? He works with hacker and fellow agent from across Switzerland, Alec DeCoque, to get to the bottom of this.
Aside from the horrible names of the characters and some of the most insipid, obvious, and cringe-inducing innuendos to ever be spoken by the poor, poor Davis Brooks, there is nothing here in terms of comedy. Forget camp – much of everything else is shockingly unfunny and even dull. You’d think the premise alone will be an opportunity for manic fun, or perhaps this movie will take the opportunity to make some kind of sociopolitical statement at the very least. No, it’s just poor Davis Brooks – who isn’t too bad in his debonair role, actually – wandering around trying not to appear like dead fish while probably planning in his head to go beat up his agent after filming has wrapped up. The rest of the cast is either bland and forgettable, or in the case of Tom Read Wilson, trying very hard to ruin his entire acting career in a single movie. Between that accent and his dead-eyed, wooden acting, the poor man gives me the impression that he is only in this movie because someone threatens to kill all his cats should he dare to disagree.
I don’t know why they even bother making this movie as the plot goes nowhere, most of the cast look and act like they are going to be tied to an anchor around their knees and thrown into the sea after filming, and there is nothing even remotely funny about the whole thing. Well, I guess one may find it funny if childish innuendos were his or her thing, but even that is in short supply. And no, there is no nudity or raunchy humor as well. There is absolutely nothing here worth watching.
Jayson Bend: Queen and Country is one of the worst kinds of movie out there: it’s neither atrocious or excellent; it’s just stupendously dull that watching it is a complete waste of time. Seriously, don’t even think of watching this one as there must be other better ways out there to be bored to death.