Cobblestone Press, $3.99, ISBN 978-1-60088-120-6
Fantasy Romance, 2006
His Private Dancer is the second book in the series called The Girl’s Guide to Dating the Evil Undead, coming after Seducing St. Nic.
In this story, heroine Nina Simmons is a librarian by day and “burlesque dancer” by night. Which is to say, she shows up in the club where she works and experiences “telltale moistures” which “gather” between her “thighs”. No, I don’t know if this is some kind of club for people with a fetish for golden showers and toilet accidents. Why are you people asking me these things? At any rate, as “Lola Wants”, Nina grabs her breasts on stage and moans because she’s really turned on by the idea of men watching her get off on stage. Before you ask, yes, her day job employer has a strict policy which will see her fired if word ever gets out about Lola Wants. Nina claims to love her day job. Don’t ask me therefore why she’s doing that Lola Wants thing. As you will soon see, this story is too sexy for logic.
After experiencing an orgasm on stage, Nina is approached by a man who wants her to perform for him in private. She is furious. She may rub her breasts and other more intimate parts of her body on stage until she experiences an orgasm but she is insulted when people assume that she’s a prostitute. How dare this man! She calms down when this man tells her, “I want to fuck you, but I have no intention of paying for the privilege.” She also gets tempted, especially now that she knows that he clearly doesn’t think that she’s some kind of skanky ho with no self-respect as to charge strangers for sex when she’d clearly give it away for free.
This gentleman is Cristian Trevino. When he shows up at the Canyon Oak Academy where Nina works and she panics because he can get her fired if he reveals to all that she is Lola Wants, he tells her that it’s okay, he won’t tell anyone that she just happens to be a burlesque dancer in a club at night even if she won’t sleep with him. Not that he has any doubts that she won’t give out because he is confident that she wants him too. Perhaps it’s all that moisture gathered between her thighs. These two go on a date, they have sex with Nina happily believing that he’s a vampire so they don’t need birth control, and she ends up pregnant. I don’t know what to say. That fact that he’s a vampire may suggest that she may need to practice safe sex more than usual instead of happily taking in all that magic vampire sperm. Why would a sane woman want to have sex with a vampire anyway? She must have read too many erotic romances until she loses track of reality and starts assuming that life is one big Ellora’s Cavemen anthology.
But what can I say, really? If you are still reading this review instead of having checked out long ago from the overload of stupid brimming in His Private Dancer, good for you but that’s all there is to this story. Dumb woman meets creepy fellow who stalks her, sleeps with him, gets knocked up by him, and then runs away to her sister due to a silly misunderstanding, moaning that she’s pregnant with a baby whose father is “different”. Yeah, now she’s worried when earlier on she’s the one happily accepting a “different” kind of lover into her bed without even thinking of protection. Nina’s a librarian, folks. Inevitably Cristian shows up and they announce that they’re in love even when they have barely spoken to each other, much less known each other for long.
I… I mean… what the… damn it, just give me my money back.