Main cast: Jared Padalecki (Clay Miller), Danielle Panabaker (Jenna), Amanda Righetti (Whitney Miller), Travis Van Winkle (Trent), Aaron Yoo (Chewie), Arlen Escarpeta (Lawrence), and Derek Mears (Jason Voorhees)
Director: Marcus Nispel
I can understand why some geniuses would like to update Friday the 13th for the masses of today, but I wish they haven’t taken the approach in which they make the original movie come off like a classic masterpiece of intelligent movie-making.
If you don’t know the plot, we have Jason Voorhees, this hulking fellow who is supposed to be deformed and all. He has harbored homicidal tendencies that he cultivated ever since he saw his Mother being decapitated by a naughty camp counselor a long time ago. Years of living in the woods with no toilet paper has since turned him into a… well, master engineer (seeing how he had constructed a deadly labyrinthine house of traps from his old cottage), psychic superhero (he can miraculously sense where you are and show up right in front of you even if you have a head start of an hour), and indestructible killing machine that will make Skynet short-circuit in delirious excitement.
So, anyway, in this story, he proceeds into a killing spree. Among the pointless meat, the characters that we should care about are that guy from Supernatural, sorry, Clay Miller, who is looking for his missing sister Whitney and that young lady Jenna who shares the distinction with Whitney as the only woman in this movie after the first five minutes to never bare her kittens. Sorry, folks, if you are hoping that the guys repay the favor and flash some bits of their own, because it’s only the ladies who show the T&A. Jared Padalecki has taken the trouble to work out and wear a tight gray muscle-T here, though, for what it’s worth. Maybe he’s auditioning for a fall-back career in skin flicks once Supernatural gets canceled.
The movie is mostly about gratuitous gore, which won’t be so bad if the victims aren’t so grotesquely stupid that Jason ends up deserving a medal for removing these gits from the human gene pool. For example, in the final exciting moments, when our main characters are escaping for their lives from Jason, they run straight toward his home. Or that we have a big house belonging to a rich guy here in the woods, in an area that doesn’t have telephone reception, and this house doesn’t have a single security system in place.
The whole movie is just a pointless entertainment-free exercise in killing very irritating people in a relentless bloody spree. The fact that the people behind this movie can make a movie about pointless killing such a boring putrid exercise suggests that perhaps we should sic Jason on those morons as well.