Main cast: Robert Englund (Freddy Krueger), Ken Kirzinger (Jason), Monica Keena (Lori), Jason Ritter (Will), Kelly Rowland (Kia), Katharine Isabelle (Gibb), Christopher George Marquette (Linderman), Brendan Fletcher (Mark), Tom Butler (Dr Campbell), and Lochlyn Munro (Deputy Stubbs)
Director: Ronny Yu
I am a fan of those enjoyable slasher movies of yore, and Freddy vs. Jason promises to be an enjoyable trip down memory lane. Unfortunately, this horrible movie gets everything wrong. Freddy and Jason shouldn’t be hating each other. They should be taking turns committing unspeakable atrocities on what must surely be the most bloody annoying and stupid cast of teens in any movie ever.
In this movie, Freddy decides to resurrect his bloody career, but the kiddies on Elm Street have almost forgotten him, much less fear him. Freddy feeds on fear to be strong, so he needs these kids to be fearful of something so that he can feed on their fear. But what? Ah, he has an idea! He decides to resurrect Jason and sends him to Elm Street. When Jason starts killing and everybody starts screaming, that’s when Freddy will start feeding. Cool plan or what? Only, of course, things go wrong when Jason can’t stop and Freddy gets annoyed because he’s supposed to be the boss of everybody. It’s ghouly bitchfight time!
The movie starts out nice. Of course the kids that have sex die first. It’s the law. The movie almost captures the deliciously creepy feeling of the early Nightmare on Elm Street series. And then the bloody heroine Lori starts screaming. And she screams and screams and screams and that’s when I realize, screw Freddy and Jason, the real nightmare is this supremely annoying banshee that won’t shut up. Not only that, Lori is so stupid, she must have sneezed out her brain one fine day in 1979. You’d think after the first few times Freddy plays that mind trick on her, she’d get it and realize that everything’s a dream, but no, that imbecile acts like an automated moron. Must save Jason! Must send Jason back to lake! Oh no, scream! Scream! Scream! Then, when it’s time to get out, she decides to stay back and act like Ripley in Alien. Only Ripley would have ripped this imbecile’s head off and use it as a soccer ball, because Lori is supremely deathworthy. If this movie ends with Freddy and Jason joining forces and rip that idiot apart limb by limb, that will be me cheering.
As it is, Freddy vs. Jason lets the stupid teenagers take control of the movie midway through and everything gets shot to hell. The last half hour is basically an incoherent battle scene between Jason and Freddy, and I never thought I’d see the day when these two get humiliated beyond belief.
Apart from entertaining loser fanboys that still live in the porno-mag and pizza box littered basement of their parents house while stealing videos from the Blockbuster where they work, Freddy vs. Jason has very little to offer. Lacking well-done humor or even effective gore scenes, this movie is just one loud and incoherent waste of CGI playing to the ever listenable soundtrack of Monica Keena’s oh-god-my-ears-Jason-please screaming. Seriously, all of those kids should have died! Painfully!