Main cast: Britney Spears and Stephen Dorff
Director: David LaChapelle
When the video opens, it’s night. The camera focuses on a billboard advertising a Vegas show – oh look, it’s merely Britney looking like an S&M-prone Marilyn Monroe dancing in the Palms. This must take place sometimes soon after the flop of her next album, between the desperate Playboy shoot and the appearance in Fear Factor as a celebrity guest. She and Stephen Dorff, who will soon dump her for me because Britney is no longer hot but I still am, arrive at Palms in a white limo. The paparazzi are gathering because they want to catch her in the act of begging Paris Hilton to lend her a camcorder.
In the limo, Britters and Stephen are seated but looking at the verge of divorce. Nick and Jessica, watch closely because this may just be your future. Britters turns to look at Stephen forlornly, but Stephen is looking out the window, dreaming of the day when he will be all mine. She reaches out to touch his thigh but he lifts a forbidding finger to stop her. Because he’s now saving himself for me, you see. He knows that I am a picky woman and I don’t usually take sloppy seconds of dumb bimbos like Britters and he’s just lucky that I have a weakness for men with bubble-shaped bums. If he wants to last more than three days with me, he’s best not skank around town, even if she’s going to be his ex, or I’ll dump him for Viggo Mortensen’s sexy ass even before he gets any chance with me. Britters shakes her head because she is wondering what the world is coming to when a gal can’t even get a bye-bye shag from her soon-to-be ex.
The limo stops in a greenish-looking area of Palms. I guess it must be the staff entrance. Normally I would assume that Britters stops here because she doesn’t want to be spotted by the paparazzi, but the reporters are already swarming around the limo, so she can’t be stopping here for privacy purposes. My guess is that she must have sunk so low in her career that the Palms people must consider her as no better than their typical showgirl so she has no choice but to use the staff entrance. Oh Stephen, I feel his pain. A really cute security guy who’d better not tell Stephen of his rendezvouses with me if he wants to remain employed tries to stop a particularly ugly troll reporter from throwing his hands against the limo, but he’s only one guy, alas.
In the limo, Stephen calls me using his cellphone to tell me that he loves me. I don’t believe him, of course, because I know that he told Britters that he loved her too when they hooked up. Men, we women can’t trust them! Which is why I’m only hooking up with him for the good times only. When he starts getting clingy and asking me to reassure him that I love him back, I tell him that I don’t do that simpering bimbo thing and if he wants my sugar, he better shake off his nonsense like a polaroid picture like my ex Andre-3000 sings in that cute little song Hey Ya!, which is actually sung to my Dear John letter to him. I would have sued for royalty if he isn’t so cute. Anyway, Stephen gets grouchy because this is the first time a woman tells him no (and I know he likes it because he shows up later in leather and dog collar and begs me to discipline him some more) and hangs up in a temper.
Britters gets out of the limo and the paparrazi mob her. By the way, every member of the press is depicted as fat, ugly, or fat and ugly, which may seem like a politically incorrect thing to y’all, but let me assure you that after years of living it up in the social glamor and having my fair share of run-ins with the press (I still have nightmares of fleeing into a tunnel – poor Diana, she has my understandings and I often pray for her whenever I remember), it’s all true. They are all fat and ugly. The cute ones report about those hooligans in Iraq for CNN. Two cute bald security guys show up to escort her to her room.
Britters struggle to make her way through the unruly mob and damn, some of those press people are really ugly. What is wrong with these people? Cosmetic surgery is cheap and those surgeons are hot and they cheat on their lovers with you after the surgery! Haven’t these people watch Nip/Tuck? America really has no culture anymore, I tell you. Someone reaches out and Britters scream – apparently someone has taken a whack on the back of her head. I have sixteen men that will testify that I am where I say I am – and it’s not at Betty Ford, don’t listen to Pam Anderson who’s just jealous of me – so don’t look at me like that, biatch.
Stephen, still smarting from me telling him the way things will be, isn’t pleased at the crowd and he starts shoving them about. Man, I love a dude that gets so protective of me. Maybe Stephen has, what they say, potential?
After five seconds of painful slow-motion endurance that has me weeping and boy, I haven’t wept this much since Victoria Beckham faints so realistically in her video for Let Your Head Go, she finally reaches the inside of the Palms. Speaking of Posh, I really have to call her now that the whole world knows about her husband cheating on her with that no-good ugly skank from Malaysia. The world will look so much better when there’s Botox in your face, and this time it will be a treat from me to a fellow sister in need.
Anyway, back to Britters. Britters and her entourage are now in what seems like the backroom of Palms, the kind of room you put people in when you are too embarrassed to let other people know that these kind of people are in your home. Stephen spots a rack of tabloids with Britters’ face on them and immediately flies into a rage, grabbing a bunch of them and tossing them on the floor before yelling at the hotel people for putting up tabloids with unflattering shots of him and Britters. His face is demonic in a cute demonic “see, that’s the real reason I’m carrying Satan’s baby” kind of way. Hey, we beautiful people hate jealous people making us look ugly, you know. We are touchy that way.
Stephen then spots a very ugly cameraman and shoves that man away while screaming very obviously four-lettered curse words. Of course, what comes out in the video is Britters singing, but that’s the same thing, right? One of the cute security guys restrains Stephen from doing those ugly paparazzi guys a favor by pounding their faces and actually making them consider getting a few tucks that they desperately need while the other security guy shoos Britters into her room which is located on the ground floor. See, I told you she’s a D-list guest, because top guests like me always get the penthouse suite located a hundred floors above. As Britters and her entourage walk towards the room, she yells and pushes Stephen. My, what a violent couple. Stephen spots a pile of boxes in his path and kicks the boxes, sending them flying and terrifying a maid before turning to yell back at Britters.
Now they are passing the trash area – I hope they remember to put Britters in the recycle bin if they’re going to throw her away, because some poor third-world teenaged girls in Africa can always use those saline bags in her boobs – where Britters and Stephen are still shouting and fighting. This is so unhealthy. Why don’t they just get drunk and have drunk sex instead? It’s much less tedious and so much more embarrassing. The security guy tries to reason with her but now she’s shouting and pushing at him instead. I am starting to believe that it isn’t poor Stephen’s fault entirely that they are so bitter as a couple. Britters, it is never wise to anger the staff by openly quarreling with them, dear, or you’ll never get those sheets washed clean and it can get embarrassing when guests drop by. You should just sleep with the manager and persuade him to fire these impertinent jackasses instead. Blindside them and all that, y’know?
Britters enter her D-list guestroom where she throws off her white jacket to reveal a teddy underneath. Boy, she looks so stupid wearing a baseball cap with a teddy. Stephen comes in after her and she turns to yell at him, “What?” Of course what I really hear is her singing, but that’s the same thing as “What?” Stephen throws off his jacket to reveal a really ugly sleeveless shirt that comes straight from a Where’s Wally? merchandise store. He has to burn that thing if he wants a chance with me, before my own eyes. I’ve learned my lesson when I dated that guy who insisted that he had thrown away those ugly Donald Duck boxers that his mother bought him, only for me to realize that he’s merely hidden them under the bed, that jerk. If I haven’t dropped my earrings and have to look under the bed, I’d never realize that he’s been lying to me all along. Jerk!
Anyway, like all men, Stephen wants some make-up pre-dumping-her-for-me shag so he insincerely says he’s sorry and tries to draw her into an embrace. Britters isn’t the type so she pushes him away. Stephen gets angry again, grabs a vase, and flings it against the wall so that it shatters to pieces. Yucks, there goes his chances of getting a wedding ring on my finger. He better hope he doesn’t do an Ike Turner on me or he’ll be broken so bad he’ll have to beg for pennies under the IKEA reject corner. I mean, I didn’t have a career as a rock star groupie and still turn out normal once the 1970s are over without knowing some good moves to fend off those stupid drunkard rock stars who can get ugly, y’know?
Britters throws her hands up at such nonsensical macho garbage and flees to the bathroom. That’s the attitude, gal! If you can’t get good stuff from guys, hey, what’s stopping you from getting it on your own, right? Wait, that’s not what she’s doing. Anyway, she turns her back to the camera and pulls off her teddy so that guys won’t think that they’ve wasted their time watching this video. Stephen at the sofa outside kicks at a vase on the table. Man, his temper needs some cooling alright.
Then it’s a scene of Britters in a glowing white room looking forlornly at the camera. I don’t know what this scene is supposed to mean, but I suspect that it’s a nice way for them to show Britters’ state of mind when she’s taken a few pills too many, if you know what I mean. Stephen kicks the table and knocks it over. He then pulls off his shirt, revealing an oh-so-sexy body that makes me remember why I even consider giving him a chance in the first place.
Britters is now in the bath tub and man, her hair looks like hell. No wonder she’s depressed. Girlfriend here needs a shampoo. She sits back and lowers herself into the water. That’s the way! Show those men that we don’t need them – sometimes we have more fun on our own, you know? Stephen throws aside a magazine that he’s trying to read and runs his fingers through his hair wearily. Britters runs her fingers through her hair wearily only to be shocked when she realizes that her fingers are stained with blood. Oh no! That accident outside is more serious than she realizes! (That or she has probably screamed too often and popped a blood vessel, I guess.)
Britters in the Great White Room looks at the camera and sings.
Injured Britters in the bath tub sinks into the water. The water is blue so you horndogs can’t see a thing, heh heh.
Britters in the Great White Room walks past a cop. Even in heaven they can bust your ass for possession. Some hospital workers emerge from a curtain behind Britters and runs past her. So this is where they come up with those ER episodes – during the post-overdose Touched by an Angel moments of the writers!
Bath tub Britters’s head falls under the water. Glug, glug, glug.
Great White Room Britters, wearing what seems like a white shirt buttoned up to her navel and a short pair of shorts, runs slow-motion along the hallway to heaven towards the camera. St Peter will be so happy when he sees her running up towards the Pearly Gates. She now wanders along the hospital and watches as the medical staff tries to resuscitate some poor lady who has heard her sing one time too many. Then Britters is running again along the Hallway of Heaven because they just caught her with those meds in her hands and they aren’t happy.
Stephen walks into the bathroom and spots Britters. Oops.
Britters is back in the hospital room. She looks at the camera as the staff gives up on resuscitating that lady.
Stephen jumps into the bath tub and hauls Britters’s head up. Whatever, the cow’s dead. I am more impressed at the sight of the way his jeans slip down his perfect butt to expose the top of his white undies. Mmm-hmm, now that’s a sight worth enduring this video for!
Great White Room Britters walks through the hospital to stand before a woman who has just popped out a brat. The mommy takes her brat from the nurse and Britters is happy because here’s one more gullible kid that will buy her music. Hey, Britters, you’re dead now, remember?
Stephen tries to save Britters. Whatever, she’s dead. Nice butt on that man though. Woof!
Great White Room Britters looks meaningfully at the mum holding the brat. No, I don’t know what the meaning is. I prefer dogs to kids anyway.
The paramedics rush Britters into the waiting ambulance. Stephen is nowhere to be seen because he is driving hellbent to my place, punching one fist out the window and screaming “Yes, I’m free! Yes!”
Britters walks away from the camera in the Great White Hallway and turns to look at me. Hey, it’s not my fault that you died and lost your man to me, Britters. Don’t give me that attitude, missy!
Mommy cradles her brat. I think they want to tell people that Britters wants a baby or something. Maybe that’s why she married that loser for three seconds in Vegas. But she’s dead now so it doesn’t matter anymore.
Britters is now lifted onto the ambulance. Britters running in the Great White Hallway. Some idiot actually holds up a pen and a magazine with Britters’s face on the cover as the unconscious Britters is placed in the ambulance. I hope he’s not hoping for an autograph since she’s like, now dead and all that.
The camera pans on the brat’s face.
And then, wham! Britters resurface from the bath tub with a leap – not that high, just high enough to show her breasts without actually showing her nipples (someone learned from Damita Jo’s mistake at the Superbowl, I see). Looks like she’s not dead after all, hmph! Whatever, Britters, Stephen is my man now. Maybe when I’m bored with him you can take him back. Toodles!