Main cast: Pierce Brosnan (James Bond), Halle Berry (Jinx), Toby Stephens (Gustav Graves), Rosamund Pike (Miranda Frost), Rick Yune (Zao), John Cleese (Q), Judi Dench (M), Michael Madsen (Damian Falco), Will Yun Lee (Colonel Moon), and Samantha Bond (Miss Moneypenny)
Director: Lee Tamahori
If a bunch of drunk high school kids broke into MGM after getting smashed thoroughly and proceed to hammer out a James Bond script, the result couldn’t be any worse than this horrible horrible movie. Even for a James Bond movie, it’s still atrocious. I mean, James Bond drives an invisible car in this car. An invisible car!
That darling Toby Stephens, one of the hottest walking bar of testosterone on the British screens and stages, what is he doing in this movie? Okay, maybe if his mother can do Sister Act, he is allowed a few duds on his resume too. Besides, he’s the hottest thing in this movie, and he’s the only guy worth watching if you ask me. Gustav Graves in tight fencing tighties. Mmmmm.
This movie starts off with James Bond crashing a party held by North Korean terrorists. Naturally, the guys, led by the yummy Colonel Moon, aren’t too happy and send lots of bullets and recklessly driven trucks and hovercrafts at Bond’s behind. Bond ends up sending Moon to his death. Moon’s father sends Bond to prison.
After fourteen months of the best hospitality North Korea can offer, he is bailed out by Great Britain. But this comes at a cost: infamous terrorist Zao is released back to North Korea in exchange for Bond. Bond learns that he is framed, so he decides to go solo and clear his name. Along the way he meets American agent Jinx and sleeps with her and finally clashes with the mysterious Gustav Graves in a castle made out of ice.
The writers and the director seem to operate on the principle that the party hasn’t started until they have heaped increasingly ridiculous stunts and action scenes one upon the another until Die Another Day comes off like a bad parody of a bad James Bond film. The dialogues are atrocious – there is no way any guy can score like James Bond does if the hapless sod uses Bond’s lines in a pick-up bar, unless we’re talking about scoring the imprint of a hand on his cheek. From “enjoying the view” to “saved by the bell”, this movie is firmly in Corny Hell.
The Bond girls are some of the dullest ever. Miranda Frost may as well not be there, while Halle Berry is actually more like Bond’s accessory rather than his useful ally. Factor in Mr Brosnan’s sleepwalking in this movie (then again, how can one not to want to die mouthing those atrocious lines in the script?) and really stupid stunt scenes and Die Another Day is just another stupid movie of bad physics and atrocious one-liners. This limp dick-flick only suggests that maybe it’s time James Bond retire for good.
Oh, and what’s with that crappy Madonna song and appearance?
Loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, Lego, chocolates, tasty buffets, video game music, and fantastical stories.