LoveSpell, $5.99, ISBN 0-505-52398-1
Paranormal Romance, 2000
From: Mr B E Zelbub, Higher Daemon
To: Mr D A Bologh, Insignificant Daemon
The Council of Appeals has received your appeal to have your two thousand year roasting punishment be suspended, but I am afraid we can’t do that. You have embarrassed all the denizens of Hell with your mistake, and for that, Big Boss can’t overlook your sins enough to let us get you off the hook that easy.
Just between you, me, and every denizen in Hell though, what possessed you to even want the soul (or whatever you think she has of value) of that ninny Heather Mahaffey? You should have seen it coming: a woman who can’t lie to save her life. Sure, she is fun to be dragged into the Wrong Path, but you’ve forgotten Rule #2 of our Seduction Ethics. Never bother with the dunces. Tsk, tsk, how could you forget?
And come on, just because her father lied that she is the best cook around, and she gets hired by this wealthy man of town, you think she’ll be easy meat for us? One, Bologh, she can’t finish her sentences. Two, she agrees to your demands without even asking how she will pay you later. That’s a sure sign of someone not worth our time. Three, there’s no three, hell, Bologh, she uhm‘s and arr‘s her way to perdition. Why the hell do we want someone like that to torture? She probably couldn’t finish her shrieks of mercy, and that’s no fun.
In fact, what are you doing in that miserable backwater smelly-stuff hole of Fort Summers anyway? You should know the whole affair’s not worth your time when the folks all seem oblivious to your magic and inconsistencies. Heck, they even believe Heather can cook, and that’s bad enough. The man who loves her because of her buffoonery is just as obtuse.
In fact, you have subjected us who watch you on our Hell TV, as you bungle your way cooking up trouble, the most excruciating experience. Lucifer, Bologh, I myself have never seen such disgusting celebration of silliness and feminine incompetency in my life! And the sugar – this is sure one overly sweet sugar bun we’re talking about here.
Well, enjoy your roasting, Bologh. It’s only two thousand years, so stop whining! Besides, you’ll be wiser after this enlightening experience. Remember: pick the brainy virtuous ones, not the gullible twits.
Your performance earns you one oogie. And we are being very generous.