Main cast: Chow Yun-Fat (The Monk with No Name), Seann William Scott (Kar), Jaime King (Jade), Karel Roden (Strucker), and Victoria Smurfit (Nina)
Director: Paul Hunter
Hello? It’s Yun-Fat, your sweetie-pie. Are you home? Come on, I know you’re home. You’re always home. Why aren’t you answering my calls?
Look, I know you’re upset over Bulletproof Monk. It must be hard that you psyched yourself up to watch a movie starring hot old me, whom you have adored since those Man in the Net soap opera days, when I played this dashing, tortured wrongly-framed guy who survived prison and all? Good days, huh? Then there’s me, playing in Shanghai Bund like the antiheroic gambler that stole your heart. Ah, we had such good times together.
So I played this ageless mystic monk who guards a magic scroll which I try to keep from the villainous Strucker and his daughter Nina. So I found this Kar whom I am going to nominate as my successor as Guardian of the Scrolls. But come on, we aren’t that bad! So the fight scenes are corny and uninteresting – the insurance folks don’t like us doing really dangerous stuff, after all. So the dialogues are hokey and you run and weep into the sink when I mutter lines like “Why do hot dogs come in packages of ten while hot dog buns come in packages of eight?” So this movie is all hokey and no campy fun like those Hong Kong movies of mine you enjoy so much. But since the Hong Kong movie scene is dead, what do you want me to do?
Come on, answer me, darling. Do you want me to beg? Okay, how about I get Seann William Scott and we both come over to your place for an orgy? Will you forgive me then? What? Seann looks hot? Hotter than me? Is this because I played a corny stereotypical Asian monk with cornier lines that make you cringe?
I’m still the man you love I’m still your Chowie Pie, your Man in the Net, your Shanghai Bund Bun.
Are you there?