Knight In My Bed
by Sue-Ellen Welfonder, historical (2002)
Warner, $5.99, ISBN 0-446-61034-8

A MacInnes bride has been murdered. This heinous act finally snaps the fragile peace between the Scottish clans of MacInnes and MacLean, and now, the husband, Iain McLean, is gathering up arms to wreck vengeance on the perpetrators. At the same time, the MacInnes accuses Iain for the crime, and prepares for war.

What does Isolde, the inexplicable female laird of the MacInnes clan, do?

Worry whether she will make happy babies with Donall MacLean. Trying to control her hot flushes as she sneaks a peek at naked Donall tied up at the bed.

Welcome to the world of historical romance, where remember, a heroine's priorities are as screwed up as her need to be screwed into a happily ever after. Welcome to my hell.

Seriously, I'm in pain. The world is going to fall down around everybody, and our heroine's brain turns into mush. And they make her a laird - a laird, for goodness' sake!

Isolde and her ragtag people - the heroine's clan is always a ragtag one, and if you ask me, they deserve extinction for making their village idiot the laird - has kidnapped Donall, but unknown to the others, who just want to kill him, Isolde knows that sleeping with Donall and making babies is the best way to bring World Peace. This is like a really spastic perversion of free love and flower power, I guess - you have sex for world peace, but at the same, act all miserable over that fact.

So Donall's in bed, and Donall screws Isolde. Isolde is so happy that powerful superhero sperm are now competing to knock up her until now virginal eggs, she doesn't notice our hero slipping out of clutches. Oops. Or maybe she doesn't care. It's all about getting knocked up, I guess. Battle rages in the predictable manner, the villain is always the kind of guy that plays the villain in these kind of stories, and Isolde just look around her in bewilderment, clamping her thighs hard so that she wouldn't miss the chance of having even one supersperm slip out of her desperate womb, and blinks when the dust finally settles.

Hero saves the day! Heroine gets her baby and her man. Oh yeah, and she's a laird.

And I'm Anna Kournikova.

Rating: 50

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