Dakota Home
by Debbie Macomber, contemporary (2000)
MIRA, $6.99, ISBN 1-55166-602-2

Excerpt from a top secret Buffalo Valley Secret Real Estate Agent Organization to Up Sagging Sales sales pitch. Do not tell Washington, DC or the IRS about this, okay?

Hesitating about buying that lovely (expensive) farm house in Buffalo Valley, Dakota? Hesitate no further. Read Dakota Home, that insidious advertisement book every real estate agent has wet dreams salivating over, and throw your money over on the lovely air, lovely neighbors, lovely scenery. Life is Perfect in Buffalo Valley, you can't get it any better elsewhere.

Witness how Buffalo Valley is systematically planned by the municipal council. The sewerage are in good order, and all the new buildings are thoughtfully laid out while the historic buildings are preserved for the Munificent Admiration of our Future Generation. The air is always free of - okay, only minimally polluted, and the people will always welcome you with open arms. Need delivery during a tornado attack or during an alien invasion? Our delivery boys and gals will risk life and limb to get you your pizza on time. And if you're lucky (and handsome), maybe the cute delivery gal will take off her clothes for you (like what happened in Dakota Home).

Of course, do ignore the so-called stories in this book. We put it here just to throw off whatever legal complications that may arise from such propaganda. But you can read it if you want. It's about people with some little problems that just drag on because nobody wants to speak to each other (we have to meet the word count).

There's a handicapped hero, where his leg is lost in an accident. Hero depends on sister for everything and is hence not happy with life. Comes said delivery girl who is chirpy, friendly, and puts Mama Theresa to shame. She is, after all, a former Very Dedicated Social Service lass who now opens a grocery store. I'm sure many women out there will sigh in misty pleasure at the thought of such heroines.

Hero's sister too is Perfect - she is in love with brother's friend. No man but brother's friend will do, even if he treats her hot and cold. When he finally wants to marry her, she won't, because she is still married, you see, to a lousy Typical Husband, can't afford lawyer fees for a divorce, and won't accept charity because she is an Independent, Proud, Modern, and Liberated Womyn of the New Millennium. Readers will be so proud of her dragging her story on and on - viva la feminism!

The daughter of our feminist woman above thinks her mom should get back together with her daddy, so she screams and acts like an annoying brat throughout. But since this is a Modern Book that preaches Equal Rights and Family Values, be assured there is a big group hug and happy PTA meetings in the epilogue. But I'm afraid we have to drag out the mommy-daughter screamfest too, because the last time we checked, moms can't scold daughters for misbehaving (child abuse!) and definitely can't spank them when they go over the line. And we all know how cheap psychology takes ages to work. But hey, we have to maintain standards according to Talk Shows Values, y'know!

Anyway, there are some more stories of happy old ladies and cheerful old men to dance and swing pom-poms at our young, beautiful people's minor problems made into mountains out of molehills. But underneath it all, we have vivid descriptions, right down to the architecture of our new Buffalo Acres Apartments (built in the style of early colonials for patriotic pleasures of our clients) and the new Moo Moo Exotic Ranch (a forthcoming tourist attraction for City Folks wanting to rediscover their bovine roots).

So just dig in, and absolve your reluctance and second-thoughts. Come on over and be a Buffalo Guy or Gal - life in Buffalo City will always be idyllic, perfect, and warm. You won't regret it.

Rating: 58

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