Bewitched by Heather Cullman

Posted February 1, 2001 by Mrs Giggles in 1 Oogie, Book Reviews, Genre: Fantasy & Sci-fi / 0 Comments

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Bewitched by Heather Cullman
Bewitched by Heather Cullman

Signet, $4.99, ISBN 0-451-20229-5
Paranormal Romance, 2001


The opening chapter of Bewitched has two old biddies plotting. Adeline Vane will marry her supposedly mad grandson to Euphemia Merriman’s supposedly hoyden granddaughter. To cement the inevitable, they will go ahead with their plans, telling the future couple of their impending nuptials being at the bottom of their list.

With grandmothers like these, who need car accidents?

It gets more complicated: Michael Vane isn’t actually mad. He’s just plagued by seizures made worse by incompetent quacks. Emily believes herself cursed: her three ex-beaus barely escaped with their lives. A match made in heaven, according to our two senile biddies who claim to love Michael and Emily.

In fact, come to think of it, this one isn’t Michael and Emily’s story. It’s a showcase for Addie and Effie’s irritating attempts at portraying dotty. Some of their schemes are downright infuriating, especially Addie’s incessant browbeating and emotional manipulation of Michael until she gets her way. Both Addie and Effie’s characters are inconsistent when it comes to Emily: sometimes they ooh-ed and aah-ed about her, but most of the time they are more intent on demonizing and terrorizing her into doing things their way. Likewise, the way these two old women gush over Mike’s perfect looks and perfect body and perfect prowess with the ladies give me the creeps. Addie is his grandmother, and here she is lamenting how Mike is no longer giving ladies orgasms. Horrifying!

Mike is ridiculously one-note: he seems mad at his circumstances because he is no longer the toast of the town, and he blames the heroine for being so beautiful that she reminds him of his great loss. Yes, the pain of not being able to sleep with married women of the Ton, the agony of no more gambling sessions at White’s, and oh, the excruciating loss of his social life! Oh, I feel for his pain, truly. Let me know when to pull the plug, and you bet I’ll be there ASAP.

Emily is just as ridiculous a character as Mike. A curse? There seems to be no reason why a woman like her, supposedly intelligent, would believe a gypsy’s word from the get go. If you ask me, the real curse is her lack of spine. She meekly obeys everything the mad biddy twosome orders her to, sulking to herself. Her psychological baggage is irritatingly familiar: she doesn’t want to love him, can’t love him for his own good, must drive him away/run away for his own good… look, Em, hide here, hide here! She can hide in this hollow log, and I’ll push her over the cliff.

My single reaction to Bewitched is incessant, monotonous irritation. Sometimes I think old people don’t get enough respect from young people. After reading this story, I will even volunteer to drive the two old biddies to some faraway old folks’ home as long as I don’t have to read about their “cute, dotty, and adorable” but in all actuality disgustingly Machiavellian, rude, obnoxious, and downright repulsive antics.

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Loves boys that sparkle, unicorns, money, Lego, chocolates, tasty buffets, video game music, and fantastical stories.

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