Main cast: Antonio Banderas (Jeremiah Ecks), Lucy Liu (Sever), Gregg Henry (Robert Gant), Ray Park (Ross), Talisa Soto (Rayne Gant), Miguel Sandoval (Julio Martin), Terry Chen (Harry), Roger R Cross (Zane)
Director: Wych Kaos
This movie is hilarious. It is so bad, atrocious even, that it practically wallows in a cesspit of plotholes. No plot, no coherence, just lots of long, long car chases and explosions and wailing Enya-esque “Ah-ah-ah” soundtracks during the, uh, “emotional” moments, Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever is one of those movies that can only be enjoyed if I completely shut down my brain. And by doing so, this one ends up working pretty well as a really bad but fun movie.
The plot is something about Agent Sever, Lucy Liu in full dominatrix mode that will send all those guys with fetishes for Asian Dragon Ladies into bliss-induced incoherence, on a warpath as she bazookas and machine-guns every vehicle in sight. She has kidnapped a boy – why? – and Robert Grant, a rogue FBI agent, wants her dead. Why? Meanwhile, our tortured cop, Jeremiah Ecks (Antonio Banderas, looking very shaggable in this one, I must confess – woo, he looks hot hoisting those big guns, oh my) is also roped in – he wants Sever because Sever can tell him where his dead but not really dead wife is hiding. This wife, Rayne, is now married to Robert Grant, and he…
Do you want me to go on? No, I can’t go on anymore.
I love how there is always a spare gun/motorcycle nearby whenever Ecks or Sever or anybody else needs to shoot or chase down the other. I also love the corny “ah-ah-ah” Enya-like wailings that come on whenever Lucy Liu does her Deep “Sssh, I’m Thinking Deep Thoughts” Stare face. Whenever there’s the “ah-ah-ah” music coming on, sssh, people, this is a very serious scene. Don’t snicker. It’s not nice.
Sure, this movie is bad. Critics everyone will pan this movie – it’s their job to do so. But when it’s rainy, and you want some no-frills bad B-grade romp of bullets and explosions and black leather, pull up the collar of your jacket, duck your head, grab this video from Blockbuster, and flee for home before anyone catches you. Enjoy this movie, revel in its badness, and admit no shame. That’s the way to live, people!