Liquid Silver Books, $3.99, ISBN 978-1-62210-235-8
Fantasy Romance, 2015
Waning Moon is the first in a series called Courting the Panther, and I have to get this thing off my chest first: god, I hope none of the guys here actually look like that thing on the cover. Not only does that thing have a face that only a mother waiting with a paper bag could love, it has a deformed neck and a weird waist. It is as if the some nasty virus hit the Photoshop fellow’s computer just as that fellow press the “Save” button.
In this urban fantasy setting. the were-panthers and the were-hyenas are going at it like the Jets and the Sharks. Were-panther Tony is being stalked by some were-hyenas and he just has to take the wrong turn, to end up getting whacked out of every inch of his life. Then comes Gabriel, a golden-eyed vampire, who banishes the were-hyenas with a growled word, proceeds to suck at Tony’s neck, and turns into Gabrielle. Awesome… no, wait, that’s a typo or maybe a missed instance that wasn’t caught by the author’s CTRL+C and CTRL+V finger action, as Gabriel is still Gabriel.
The vampire reached under Tony’s sides and pinched his sensitive nipples until Tony let out a scream and came all over the covers. Gabrielle laughed and soon spilled his warm seed inside the were panther, slipped out, and lay next to his captive with a long, exhausted exhale.
“Did you like it?” Gabriel muttered with an arch of his eyebrow.
Tony began to breathe, as he’d forgotten how during that amazing sex. “I-I don’t know. I don’t know what to think.”
“Your moans of ecstasy told me everything.”
Tony blushed and hid his head beneath the pillows. “You’re a complete stranger! How could I have liked fucking with you? It was rape! Goddamn cruel and violent rape!”
Gabriel retorted, “It was not rape! You enjoyed being fucked as much I enjoyed fucking you. From now on, you will be my pet, understand?”
“I can’t agree to something like that!” Tony snapped.
Gabrielle replied coarsely, “You can’t change it, sorry. Since I shared my blood with you, you are now my servant, my were-panther servant, understood? I have a natural affinity for panthers and that is why I saved you. I heard your mind reeling in agony. Heard you thinking of just dying. I couldn’t let such a pretty face die, you know?” He cupped Tony’s chin in one hand and grabbed his bare ass in the other, squeezed.
And we’re only on page seven! We certainly have come a long way from West Side Story.
Tony is like, rape, oh, rape, and tries to run away, only to have Gabriel phase through a wall like he’s an X-Man or something.
In one swift motion, Tony had gotten off the bed, sprang to his feet, and darted for the door. As he turned the knob and pushed it ajar, his face drained of color as Gabriel stood facing him.
“How did you…What the fuck? How did you get on the other side?” Tony asked.
Gabriel didn’t answer but instead took hold of Tony’s arms, twisted them behind his back, and breathed coolly into his ear. “Some vampires can walk through walls. I happen to be one of them.”
The were-panther swallowed hard and said, “I just…I can’t believe this! You saved me and now you’re saying I belong to you? What kind of logic is that? I’m a human…” His voice trailed off. “I’m a were-panther and I deserve respect!”
Oh, and Tony’s full name can go from Tony Silvers to Tony Blairs. I don’t know what is happening, but at this point, it’s like I’m as high as a kite already and I haven’t even sniffed or swallowed anything yet.
Then comes Mikael – no, I don’t know if his last name is Gorbachev – and even more hilarious moments of Gabriel going “I’m the stereotypical seme who gets more powers as the author makes things up she goes along – OPEN UP TO SEME, MUAHAHAHA!” and Tony wailing, “No, no rape… rape… ooh, that feels so good… NO, NO, YES, YES, UKE IS OKAY GIVE IT TO ME!” like they are writhing shrieking weirdos in a really bad pornographic anime. And then the story ends on a cliffhanger.
Just what was that all about again? I have to admit, though, I’ve had some of the best laugh in a while. The Gabriel/Gabrielle thing is especially amusing, although it’s a shame that it is just a sloppy copyediting in action, and we don’t have a guy who switches sex every time (s)he experiences an orgasm. Now that would be too awesome for words.