He's A Few Ticks Away From Having A Heart Attack
The Amazing Race 4: Episode 12
Ah, what a nice relief to watch a show that is free from honking red-nosed clowns trying to be funny but failing miserably like cows trying to fly without wings or parachutes. The Oily Bohunks are still in the Race, still first, and when they win the Race, this show will get cancelled and that's a good thing, because we have not one decent winners on this show before, come to think of it. They keep getting worse - the boring Esquire lawyers, the obnoxiously bullheaded Boston Bulldogs, the vile aural pollution that is Flodungka and her Mumbler, and now, if the Oily Bohunks win, this story deserves to be cancelled ten times over. The Amazing Race, huh? Try "I am a moron but because the Race is designed to favor who can smash his head through the wall the hardest, I am in Final Three and maybe even the winner!" Call me bitter, but if the Bohunks can win the money because they almost drowned a woman, they have no clue, and they are boring, I am going to be even more jaded with people than I already am. Luckily, we have the gorgeously evil Barrs and the humorless countdown-to-self-destruction DADT. The Barrs are so good to laugh with, the DADT are so fun to laugh at. Fun! When I am in need of a double dose of Ex-Lax and somnambulent, I listen to Ugly Shorty and Ugly Hairy talk.
Philo reminds people that the Racers are now at "the Australian Sunshine Coast", a "seaside playground", a forty-mile stretch of sand, with many yacht clubs, gigolos, and bored, overweightm out-of-shape rich people whose faces have undergone enough cosmetic corrective surgeries that their mothers don't even recognize them anymore. Cool. The remaining three teams are shown to be eating or drinking. I'm pretty sure they are all at the same table, but the camera makes sure to show only one Team in each scene. Philo explains that this leg is important for the Teams to position themselves for the final leg of the Race. Oh please. Whoever comes in last this week don't have to worry unless it's like five hours behind the second team, because I will bet every penny I have in my piggy bank that all three teams will be equalized the moment they reach the airport in next week's leg of the Race.
Then it's 10:41 pm, and the Oily Bohunks are off. They rip open their clue and learn that they must now head down eighty miles to Ferny Hills, locate a particular woolshed, and - don't worry, no sheep sex here - rummage through three small stalls filled to near the top with wool to find their next clue. They are also given one dollar for the rest of the race. Which should be okay, because the last time we Giggles went there, Australia really isn't a particularly interesting place to shop. The guys are cute though. Ugly Shorty explains that the Team's strategy last week was to use the Fast Forward so that they can leave first today. Wow! Best plan ever! Who would have thought of such a brilliant plan? Maybe MIT should consider hiring Ugly Shorty for some managerial position, because dude, this bro has some sharp thinkin' skills, man! Then Ugly Shorty goes on to talk about how he and Ugly Hairy have an advantage over the other teams because the other teams are couples and couples tend to get too attached to things that take place during the Race. I wish I was that wise when I was in my late thirties. Wow. The insightful Bohunks always surprise me every week with their keen and wise observations about life as we know it. They stopped at a gas station to ask where their Ferny Hills are.
At 10:59 pm, the Barrs are off. Looks like the Bohunk's Amazing Fast Forward Plan has only given them a nineteen minute lead. So much for dude power. Dan is smiling as Roseanne rips open the clue, her sole and very important contribution to this leg of the Race. He is still smiling as he counts the one dollar deliberately for the camera as Roseanne reads the clue. Why is he smiling? Roseanne is in a good mood as well, as in her voice-over, she says that while they fight like cats and dogs, they also know when to forgive, kiss, and make-up, which is all the time. "What happens on the Race, stays on the Race," she says, which is wise because when those Barrs and DADT orgy tapes pop up on eBay, it may be tough to explain to the kiddies why their buying the tape for $500 for Mommy and Daddy's tenth anniversary present may not be such a good idea. Dan reminds everyone that Roseanne is the only woman in the Race, in case we forget and mistake her for Ronald McDonald. He says that he hopes the other two teams will underestimate them so that they can sneak through the crags and win the Race. They may just do it. I hope they do it, because I really like this team. Roseanne, addressing the one dollar they are given for this leg of the Race, says that the Barrs have been saving the money they are given "like crazy", which gives me hope that I may get to see a scene of the Barrs renting a Concorde to fly them to the finishing line while the DADT and the Bohunks have to run to keep up.
It's 11:33 am when the DADTs depart. The DADT finds the one dollar thing very funny. Chippo holds up the one dollar because it's supposed to be funny. Sorry, boys, I kinda forget to laugh because I find myself thinking what lovely, lovely arms you two have. Especially Chippo's hairy arms, which for some reason compel me to want to run my fingers through the fine dark hairs and make him purr like a cat while using Top Gun's impressively bulging arms as a buttrest. Drool.
Then I notice that Top Gun is still wearing those yellow shorts and my harem fantasy is ruined when my clean freak mode kicks in and I sincerely hope he washes those things. Top Gun says that the DADT is relieved to be still in the Race despite the time penalty they received last week, and this time their plan is to "stay intense, but make a conscious effort to be relaxed". Good luck, boys, in doing that. Top Gun says in his cozy interview that the DADT will catch up. Ooh, scary. Chippo says that in this Race, both he and Top Gun have been jostling to be the top dog, and he concludes with a sad expression that this competitive aspect of their relationship - that is, both want to be the one to say, "I got us here!" - may be affecting their racing capabilities adversely. This is kinda odd, because so far in the Race, all I see is Top Gun actually being somewhat obedient and even submissive to Big Chippo. There must be more going on behind the scenes, I guess, especially when they're rumored to have broken up after the Race. Oh well. I told you that Dan fellow is trouble, Chippo, I told you! Hee. Back to the Race, they ask for directions for a passing fellow.
The Bohunks are still driving. Ugly Shorty tells Ugly Hairy to use that switch meter thingie in the vehicle so that they don't get lost. It's not a bad idea at all. You didn't hear me say that. Meanwhile, Dan is not happy that Roseanne still hasn't mastered the art of map reading. He has to stop in front of a store to ask for directions. When he gets back into the vehicle, it's early morning bickering for these two, and the world is alright again. Meanwhile, Chippo compliments Top Gun's navigational skills as "awesome" as they heads towards the woolshed. The Bohunks are there first. They stare blankly at a sign that tells them that the woolshed will be opened only at 6:00 am. The Barrs pull up shortly after the Bohunks, and Dan comments that they will all be sleeping in the "Mercedes". The DADT then catch up with the other two Teams, with Top Gun saying, "Here's everybody!" as he and Chippo survey the scene before them.
While I'm all in favor of the Bohunks' Fast Forward going down the drain, is it really necessary for the woolshed to be closed until 6:00 am? Seriously? This is one example of unnecessary and exasperating bunching that ruins the fun of the show. All these unnecessary bunchings, as I've said previously, will only discourage the Teams from thinking creatively to solve problems. We may as well call this show The Amazing Follow Point A To Point B And Pray The Cab Isn't Slow Show. Bonghammer, are you listening to me? Stop with all this artificial bunchings!
The sun shines as 6:00 am arrives. Roseanne grins at the DADT's window as Chippo stretches. "Good morning, Chippers," she calls out in that scary Aunt Minnie way, "are we feeling chipper?" Dan says that Chippo then begin telling Barrs about how Chippo was from Connecticut and Chippo knows all about sheep farms. Dan answers by telling Chippo that he owns many woolen sweaters. Heh. Roseanne says in her interview that it's fun between the Barrs and the DADT because the Barrs enjoy prodding at DADT as the DADT takes everything so seriously. Chippo, in his cozy interview, however, scowls and says that he knows Dan's plan is to annoy the DADT into being careless. Top Gun adds that their intention is to stay 100% focused on the Race. Roseanne says that the DADT won't even wave at them when everyone is racing. Well, it is a million dollars after all. Its still rude though for the DADT not to wave at the couple that know their nipples oh so intimately. And why aren't the Barrs this nice to the Bohunks? Snigger.
Oops, it's 6:00 am now. The door opens, and in run the Teams, dashing madly to the stalls - one for each team - before letting everything rip. Wool flies everywhere. The Bohunks don gloves, but Dan, when Roseanne asks where the gloves are, says that the Barrs are going gung-ho - no need for sissy gloves today. Roseanne seems surprised that there is a lot of wool. Dan complains that the wool is warm and sticky and smells like... he pauses for a word. "Like ass!" Roseanne finishes for him. Oops, someone just outed herself as a salad tosser there. TMI, TMI, oh my pure and hitherto undefiled virgin ears! Ugly Hairy seems shocked that the clue is so hard to find. I think Ugly Hairy can now be officially considered the bigger moron of the two Bohunks. Some sheep come back and stare, wondering what these strange humans are doing. One of the sheep whisper that the sordid rumors of horny human perverts wanting to do scary things to sheep may be true after all. As one, the herd of sheep quickly flee before these humans decide that the real thing is better. Then Dan gives a triumphant shout - he has found the clue (in a wet-looking protective plastic sheet)! Roseanne gives a small cry as she and Dan begin running out of the stall. The Bohunks stare at them in a moment of disappointment that the Barrs aren't finding things as hard as the Bohunks are.
The Barrs are reading the clue and running at the same time, and they are sneaky enough to read to the camera in a low voice so that the other two teams can't hear. They are now to drive to the Brisbane Airport, fly to Cairns about a thousand miles away, and take a marked vehicle to the Wild World Tropical Zoo. As the Barrs jump into their vehicles, Dan comments that it feels really good to leave the two "boy teams" behind.
DADT has been diligently throwing pieces of wool everywhere all this time. Chippo grunts that they must beat the Bohunks. At the next stall, Ugly Hairy says that he wants the clue first. You two silly men - the clue won't come to you if you talk macho like this. Ugly Hairy says that he and Ugly Shorty have rummaged through every corner of the stall, and now they are considering the possibility that they may have overlooked the clue. I wonder whether they will find their brain first or the clue among the wool. Then, Top Gun whispers to Chippo: sssh, but he's found the clue! Heh. Quietly, those two run out of the stall, because they are sure the Bohunks can't see two big men dashing out of the stall. You know, you'd think the DADT is afraid that the Bohunks will run over and steal their precious clue or something. Top Gun asks Chippo whether Chippo can get them back the way they came from. I certainly hope so.
The Bohunks are left behind searching through the wools of Ferny Hills. Ugly Hairy tells Ugly Shorty that they may have caught too much wool and thrown the clue out along with the chucks they pick from the floor. May? Ugly Shorty mumbles, "It's not there, man!" To which Ugly Hairy answers, "Keep looking!" Then it's time for a commercial break, upon which I tell my hubby how glad I am that he is not stoned or dude-friendly like those two nincompoops on TV and I will never ever complain if he sings horrible Mandarin karaoke in our living room during the weekends ever again. Then the show resumes with the Bohunks still looking. Fur - or rather, wool is flying everything as the Bohunks become more desperate. Then somehow they manage to find the clue, upon which Ugly Hairy comments with a "Holy crap!" (try saying it in the flattest way you can) that it's very well-hidden. These two nincompoops will be okay as long as they don't have to travel outside a straight line. That's why they're going to win this Race. Because Morons will rule the Earth as a backlash against Bill Gates and how that jerk ruined the image of intelligent people everywhere. The Bohunks get into their vehicle, commenting that they aren't far behind the DADT.
The Barrs soon park their vehicle at the domestic terminal carpark. They hope they can get an early flight and beat the other Teams. It's 6:55 am. They approach the ticket counter and learn that the next flight to Cairns is at 7:45 am. Dan, disappointed that the other Teams will catch up, asks whether there is any earlier flight. Nope, sorry. The DADT and the Bohunks soon catch up with the Barrs. The DADT runs past Roseanne, and she just has to ask, "Why the sad faces, boys?" even as Chippo goes "Damn!" at the sight of the Barrs. I'd expect him to be happy to see the Barrs, because if he doesn't, he may have a Sideshow Bobs Airplane Delay Disaster at his hands. Dan pretends to block Chippo's way, only to move aside at the last minute. There goes what I hope to be a loving conciliatory embrace between Dan and Chippo, sigh. Chippo asks the counter person to give the DADT what the Barrs had. This is a funny parallel to last week's airport scene, where Chippo is annoyed when Dan asked the very same thing: give them what the other team had. Top Gun is aware of this and comments that he doesn't like hanging onto the Barrs' coattails. Meanwhile, the Bohunks look at the arrivals/departures board, spots the 7:45 am flight, and approaches the ticket counter. Damn. Here I'm hoping they will end up on some flight to Tasmania. Dan complains about the airport equalizer thing as they wait at the departure gate.
Then it's time for the plane to take-off, and all three teams are on their way to Cairns. What honky-tonk artificially redneck Australian tourist spot will they be asked to go to next?
At Cairns, the Teams do their usual "Me first! No, me first!" dash to the gates and to the car park where their marked vehicles await them. The Barrs hop onto theirs first and take off. Then the vehicles are on the road. Top Gun helpfully explains that the DADT is six feet behind the Bohunks and the Bohunks are six feet behind the Barrs. I think he's miscalculated the six feet thing. At least, I hope he miscalculated, because if the vehicles are really six feet away from each other, we may be treated to a spectacular three-van-pile-up judging from how the Bohunks and the Barrs decide to drive side by side and outrace each other. Of course, this means poor DADT can't cut on the road. Chippo goes into Terminator Mode behind the wheels. Roseanne whines that as a woman, she feels nervous because the guys are all so intense. Dan, too busy trying to play Speed Racer with those intense guys, placate her in that typical I'm-not-listening way.
I think smoke is coming out of Chippo's ears and nostrils as he grunts that he's being "boxed in". I think this guy really need some stress management courses. Dan says in his cozy interview that when Chippo is in a car "and he's in traffic, he's got smoke coming out of his ears and his blood pressure's going through the roof. I mean, he's a few ticks away from having a heart attack!" Chippo says in a voiceover as he gnashes his teeth and complains that he can't cut those two, "I think there's going to be some bumping and grinding, and there's going to be some bitterness!" Bitterness is right.
Finally, the zoo shows up before Chippo finally loses it and causes a three-van pile-up that sends ratings of this show to burst through the roof. The Barrs in front notice the red and yellow flag by the entrance of the zoo and quickly turn into the road. The other two Teams are close behind and they all run towards the Clue Stand, where they learn that they must perform a task. Today's task is brought to you by Kodak Easy-Share, as Philo explains that the Team must choose one member to feed a chicken to the 15-ft crocodile named Sultan and the other person to snap a photo with the Kodak Easy-Share camera. Then they must head down to the souvenir store to develop their Easy-Share photo and the back of the photo will be printed with their next clue! See, Kodak Easy-Share is so easy-to-share, even the Barrs love it, and so do the DADT! And the Bohunks use it too! Don't you just want a Kodak Easy-Share today? The task can be performed only by one team at a time, which makes sense, because we don't want Chippo accidentally feeding Dan to Sultan now, do we?
There's a table beside the Clue Stand where there are three shiny brand-new Kodak Easy-Share cameras, one for each team. The Barrs are first, followed by the Bohunks, and then the DADT as they all follow the zoo guide to Sultan's hangout. The Teams walk past watery hangouts filled with crocodiles, all delighted, naturally, to see their long-lost uncle Dan for the first time. But, the Barrs just walk past without taking their camera. The Bohunks notice this and exchange conspiratorial "Ssh, don't tell!" looks as they pick up their camera. The DADT is too intense, they can't miss to camera. After the last leg's penalty, they probably have a dictionary along with them to make sure that they have all the potential double and triple meanings of every word in the clue covered.
Then, Sultan's keeper asks the Barrs who will be feeding Sultan. Dan says he will do it. Roseanne decides to get ready with the camera and... oops. Where's the camera? She realizes that they must have missed the camera and Dan is very irritated as he just stalks back the way he came, leaving Roseanne to run after him. Roseanne tries to defend herself by suggesting that it's their fault that they get too excited and overlooked the camera. Dan instead says that it's her fault because she supposedly grabbed the clue out of his hand. She says it is not her fault because he passed the clue to her. He says that she took the clue from him before he can read it. Thing is, he did read it. He read the clue aloud to the camera. Tsk, tsk, Dan, what selective memory you have. Roseanne tells him that he's blaming her for their mistakes all the time. He says he isn't blaming her (oh, really?), he's just pissed off. Good news, you two: you may be getting married soon, but guess what? When it comes to bickering, you're already married, if you know what I mean.
The Bohunks, thanks to the Barrs' oversight, get to go first. Ugly Shorty says without irony or self-awareness that they intend to capitalize on other Teams' mistakes. Har har har, very funny. That is, if he's making a self-effacing statement, which he isn't. Ugly Hairy takes what looks like a fishing pole with a chicken hanging at the other end, and he actually leans back even as he extend the pole towards Sultan. Sultan jumps out, eats that chicken, and Ugly Shorty snaps a photo. Insert your joke about drunk stoned surfer dudes taking naked photos of each other here. Then they are off to the souvenir shop.
Top Gun tells Chippo to be careful as Chippo... er, let's just say the brave and big Chippo actually bends forward and extends the pole to Sultan. Now that's a brave guy. Sultan sighs as he has to eat another chicken, and then swims back into his pond, hoping that the remaining team will come quick, feed him, and then leave him in peace. Where's the souvenir shop?
Dan stands quite stiffly as he extends the pole to Sultan. To the souvenir shop! Won't it be funny if the souvenir shop is closed until Monday?
I guess the Bohunks must have gotten lost - as usual - because DADT and the Barrs reach the souvenir store first. They set themselves around each of the three film processors located at a table and go around developing the Easy-Share photo. Top Gun goes first, and then has troubles understanding the "put camera down, press the red button, and voila!" part of the instructions. Oops, Kodak, looks like you need to rewrite the manual a little. The Bohunks finally enter the shop and soon they too are working at developing their photo. They get their photo without any problem. They read the clue very quietly, which tells them to now go to the remote Wangetti Beach. Meanwhile, Dan has no problems pushing buttons - now that's a loaded statement - and soon he and Roseanne too are running out of the shop. "I just want to punch them both right now. They just get so fricking lucky," Top Gun says as he and Chippo stare helplessly at their Kodak Not-So-Easy-Now thingie. No, Top Gun, it's not luck at play here. It's all about pushing your buttons, and don't they all do it too well? Relax, take it easy, you'll all get bunched up again in the next leg. Then, in probably a moment of self-awareness, he adds that he has screwed up. He starts to ask the guy supervising the task to help, but soon the photo is ready and the DADT can finally take off.
Roseanne says that yay, she has a new photo for the fridge as she holds the photo of Dan feeding Sultan. Meanwhile, Dan asks a guy for directions to Wangetti Beach, and satisfied with what he learns, he starts driving. The Bohunks are now driving, and now Ugly Shorty is saying that he saw Ugly Hairy flinch when Sultan leapt out of the water. Yeah, Shorty, you and the world. Ugly Hairy says that that "thing" is large. No crap, Sherlock, I didn't know that. Dude! Then Ugly Shorty talks about how they aren't here to be second or third and they want to win and I pressed the mute button on my remote until the scene changes to some other Team.
In the Barrs' vehicle, Roseanne apologizes to Dan and he graciously says it's all okay. Roseanne says in her voice-over that she loves Dan, "There's no changing that. We're going to fight at least once a day, and we'll get over it, and we will be together forever." I know where she's coming from, but shouldn't they at least try to compromise and live nicely instead of being resigned to fighting non-stop? Their eardrums and nerves will be better for it.
Top Gun says that Roseanne's mouth is the biggest of all the crocodile mouths in Australia. I laugh because of how awful that joke is, not because of how funny it is. Top Gun, please leave the deadpan sarcasm to the pro, okay? Now be quiet, look pretty, and I will love you again.
The Bohunks in a rare moment of navigation clarity manage to locate Wangetti Beach first. They run across the beach, roots, beach creepers, over stools and tables like two boring stoned-out dudes hallucinating a mountain of coke on the beach, to the Clue Stand where they learn that they must now perform a Detour. "Saddle" will require them to ride on horses and locate a clue that is hidden in one of the four clusters along the beach. This option may take a long time, especially if one can't ride horses well. "Paddle" will require them to inflate and paddle a kayak to a neaby buoy where the clue is located. This option is fast but it requires physical exertion. And being boys, the Bohunks immediately say, "Let's do horses!" Careful, guys. Saying things like that can get you in hot water in this part of the world.
Oh dear, the Barrs seem to be lost. Roseanne says that they may have missed the beach altogether. Dan asks her to stuff it and stop second-guessing him. She says that she's not second-guessing here, she knows they have missed the beach. In her voice-over, she wishes that Dan will listen to her more since she's the one doing the navigating. (Although from her track record, I don't really blame Dan for not listening to her. However, he is to blame for being a stubborn asshole.)
The DADT by now are reading the clue even as the Bohunks are now strapping on helmets. Helmets? What happened to cowboy hats? Chippo asks Top Gun whether he wants to do horses. Top Gun says he loves horses. Snigger. The DADT change into cowboy slacks and chaps and all, and I tell you, it's like Erik Estrada and Ken Doll playing Cowboy Dundee. The Bohunks aren't any better. This is the saddest Wild Wild West sideshow I've ever seen. While wondering where the Barrs are, Chippo and DADT notice that the Bohunks ride towards the right stretch of the beach. For reasons only macho boys bent on measuring their penises will understand, the DADT then proceeds to go towards the left stretch of the beach. Top Gun explains that they go separate ways from the Bohunks because it's "obvious" that the DADT and the Bohunks are "archrivals". In adolescent immaturity? Top Gun then says that the two Teams are "racing against each other tooth and nail". Yeah, they're racing to see who can drive that tooth and nail right into my brain first because GAWD, listening to all of these people talk is making me want to kill myself. I have never seen so many poster boys for the new 1800-SHADDAFUKKUP hotline before.
In what must be the perfect metaphor for their situation, the Barrs reach what seems like a dead end on the road they are driving. There's a really Stoner-looking traffic dude guy, complete with Jay of Silent Bob and Jay hairstyle and a poise that suggests Woodstock lives forever in the haze of his mind. A dead end and Stoner Traffic Dude acting as the guy with the signpost. This is surely a God? It's Me, Moron moment. The Stoner Traffic Dude tells the Barrs that they have missed the beach by a long way. The Barrs have wasted around fifteen minutes thanks to this mistake. Roseanne points out that he should turned into that road when she told him to. Dan tells her that it's his fault, he accepts full responsibility for it, and that silences Roseanne up. That is not nice, Dan. You should let Roseanne pick on you, just like how you pick on her when she makes a mistake. It's only fair. Dan hopes that other teams somehow get lost so that the Barrs don't lose too much time. Roseanne isn't placated. "You get to a point when you're that stupid, that's when you need to be eliminated," she says with a huff. She's right. I still hope this team wins, however. Them or the DADT. Anyone but the Bohunks.
The DADT find a red flag on a tree branch on the beach and the cluster of envelopes nearby. However, the envelope is empty. They have to keep looking. Later, they come across a perch of rocks, and find a cluster of clue envelopes wedged between two large rocks. However, the envelope is also empty. "Aw sh... this sucks," they say as they have to go towards the direction the Bohunks took. It's hard on their ego, I'm sure, especially when Top Gun complains that the DADT's left stretch of the beach is actually the longer stretch than the right stretch. Meanwhile, the Bohunks come across a cluster of trees and finds the clue behind the tree trunk. The clue tells them to proceed to the town of Julatten where they must search for "an adventure club" (or so Philo explains) called the Off-Road Rush.
The Barrs reach the beach and miserably take in the sight of the two Teams' vehicles already parked on the beach. Roseanne wants to do "Saddles" and Dan agrees. Just as they gear up, the DADT rides past them to the direction the Bohunks took. The Barrs immediately realize that the correct location of the clue must be at the right stretch. Needless to say, the Barrs decide to follow the DADT. I hope Chippo doesn't get an aneurysm on the spot. Top Gun notices the parasites on their hindquarters and comments that the Barrs have "followed us like flies on cow manure." I snort at the imagine of cow manure piles with legs running as they are chased by flies. It's funnier than when Top Gun says it, that image.
The Bohunks are riding back to the beach just as the DADT rides past them. Chippo comments that the Bohunks look awful on those horses and Ugly Shorty looks like a "frozen rabbit". He's too kind. Ugly Shorty is actually pulling at the horse's reins so hard I'm surprised the horse doesn't rear up and throw Shorty off him. Then again, he probably can't finish Seabiscuit because the book is, like, dude, so hard and all. After one more wrong cluster - Chippo, relax, please - the DADT finally finds the correct clue cluster. Roseanne urges Dan on as the Barrs pass the Bohunks, and gee, the Barrs don't even greet the Bohunks the way they tease the DADT. Aw, shucks. There goes my illusion that all three Teams are one big happy family. Then the Barrs ride past the DADT. "Wow!" Roseanne exclaims - weird - and then, "Bye guys!" The DADT doesn't respond. I don't blame them: Roseanne sounds really strange at that moment, going from "Wow!" to "Bye!" like that.
Hurry, hurry - Chippo gets into the vehicle as Top Gun rearranges their bags at the back and - ouch! He has run over Top Gun's foot. See, Chippo? You are losing it, man. Chippo begins apologizing frantically as Top Gun whines, "You ran over my foot!" In his voice-over, Top Gun says that Chippo has started the vehicle without putting in the clutch. What follows is the funniest conversation ever.
"Are you okay?" Chippo asks very contritely as they hit the road.
"Yes I'm fine," Top Gun answers in a very frosty tone.
"Did I really run over your foot?" Chippo asks. Now that's stupid.
"Yes! Be careful!"
"I did not mean to do it, Reichen," Chippo tells him. "Will you calm down? Like I meant to do it, like I meant to run your foot over." Then the man stupidly mutters under his breath, "Asshole."
Uh oh, Top Gun heard. "I'm the asshole?!" he says, his voice going on a little shrill now.
"I'm sorry, I said I'm sorry. I did not mean to do that," Chippo hastily tells him.
I love how Top Gun, the Air Force Man, acts like a high-maintenance Lil' Daddy's Girl when he's peeved, heh heh heh. And Chippo has such a funny expression on his face when he's contrite. These two are so adorable together! Why must they break up anyway, if those rumors are correct? It's such a waste. They should start a sitcom with the Guidos and the Cha-cha-chas or something, maybe Queer As Dorks. Gale Harold can star as the dim-witted cousin they all mock mercilessly every week, while the Cordelias can play the token lesbian couple, the Barrs the villainous neighbors, and the MillieChuck the humorless We Certainly Don't Approve parents of Gale Harold's character. I'll sort out the chronology later.
The Barrs come across the same cluster where the previous two Teams found their clue. Dan sees the flag, but runs past the cluster, all the while wondering where the clue is. Roseanne calls him a freak as she grabs the clue from the cluster and waves it at his face.
The DADT realizes that they don't know where Julatten is. Top Gun pretty much snaps at Chippo to get out of the vehicle and ask someone. Chippo, looking contrite, approaches a lady outside her house, and this lady spends more time correcting Chippo's pronounciation of Julatten than giving him directions. Poor Chippo, it's just not his day. Meanwhile, the Barrs aren't any better, with Dan taking out his map and and asking around.
The Bohunks spot a road sign with "Off Road Rush". "Bitching!" they say. Excuse me, "bitching"? Isn't that word actually more outdated than I am? "Dudes" I can barely take, but "bitching" is really pushing it. If they say "Cowabunga" next, I am going to scream. The Mutant Bohunk Ninja Turtles then reach what looks like a dirt track. It's Roadblock time. One team must take a buggy (with an instructor beside him, of course) and complete the track. Then they will get their next clue.
It occurs to me that the Roadblocks and Detours are becoming repetitious. How many rappelings, race car thingies, and boat paddlings do I need to see? This is something the race designers should look into should there be a next season of The Amazing Race. And stop spending so much time in Europe - I've seen enough samey sceneries to last me a lifetime.
Ugly Hairy decides to ride the buggy. Ugly Shorty, the self-appointed wise guru, tells him, "Don't roll it, make the course!" It must be something only stoned surfer dudes can understand. Then, Ugly Shorty pats Ugly Hairy reassuringly and says, "Let's go, bro!" I take a deep breath, count to three, walk to the window, open it wide, and scream in pain. Then I take a cleansing breath, sit back down, and throw popcorns at the TV as Ugly Hairy goes va-va-voom in that buggy. In his voiceover, in a tone that shows no inflection or emotion other than absolute flatness, he says that the buggy ride is "awesome" and it has "tons of power" and oh yes, it is "bad-ass". I take a deep breath, count to two, say heck with everything and just press the mute button on the remote control.
Then the Barrs come on and I turn back on the sound. Dan walks into what seems like Starbucks or some overpriced bistro and asks for directions.
Top Gun is still grumbling about his foot. Chippo asks Top Gun to tell him how Top Gun wants Chippo to drive. "However you want," Top Gun says. "I don't know. Just be safe." That's not helpful at all, Top Gun. "Straight to hell" may be a better answer.
Ugly Shorty, for reasons that defy human comprehension, is right now making that "down, down" gesture with both his hands. He's scared that Ugly Hairy will blow up the engine because the buggy is making a loud noise. "He doesn't know that a race car is supposed to make loud noises?" my husband asks. Good question. Looks like these Bohunks aren't as macho as they like if they aren't familiar with NASCARcology. Then he turns when hears the DADT coming up, and he looks so disappointed, awww.
Top Gun tells Chippo that "this is all you" when they notice what the Bohunks are doing. He should know, having experienced Chippo's superior road skills. Chippo, after reading the clue, agrees to do it. As they get ready, the Bohunks get their next clue: they must now drive about fifty miles to the Pit Stop of this leg of the race, the "picturesque" (or so says Philo) Ellis Beach. Ugly Shorty tells Ugly Hairy, "Good job bro." Is that all these two can say? Aaargh! Then Ugly Hairy says that he has to get rid of his "crazy race car driver mode" before he hits the road. Okay, that's quite funny. I guess even morons can be funny if they try hard enough.
Aww, Chippo kisses Top Gun on the cheek before he gets into the buggy. That's so sweet! As Chippo varooms off, Top Gun talks about how they must be vigilant about things. My foot - no pun intended, Top Gun. Top Gun is grinning, however, as Chippo drives off, so I must say, maybe he's not so angry anymore about his foot. Chippo, however, is terrifying behind the wheel. His face... I can't describe it, but let's just say if we put a pyromaniac in a room filled with kerosene and matches and dynamites, Chippo will still look more maniacal than the pyromaniac. Bared teeth, wild wide eyes, he looks as if he's possessed by the evil Speed Racer spirit. And worse, he doesn't seem to be able to control his buggy. It crashes into tires and trees - thunk! thunk! crash! - and then, boom! The buggy crashes straight into what seems like a clump of trees and I can almost feel the earth shake as the buggy literally crashes, broken beyond repair. Top Gun comments that this leg of the race has been "one nightmare after the other" as Chippo yells "F*******k!" like the complete bleeping psycho that he is. I am laughing so hard I almost burst my stomach, because Chippo going crazy is so hilarious when I am within the safety of my living room two continents away from Chippo the Road Demon.
The Bohunks are talking. About what, I don't know. The mute button is one of the most useful buttons on the remote control.
Top Gun explains that a new buggy is being commissioned for Chippo. Because while I can see what is happening for myself, Top Gun explaining the obvious makes it more fun. Really! I need a drink. All these boring men are driving me crazy. I'm getting flashbacks to some of my lousier dating experiences back in my heydays. What cracks me up though is when Chippo finally finishes the course with all his limbs intact. How was it? "Was it horrible?" Top Gun asks. He's serious. "I cracked the first car up," Chippo says sarcastically. Top Gun nods. I don't think he gets it. In their car on the way to the Pit Stop, Chippo tells Top Gun that he would not run over Top Gun's foot anymore. While in any other situation I will snort and make him promise not to run over other parts of my body as well were I Top Gun, he sounds pretty sweet in this instance. A psycho that's sweet, how can I resist? Ooh, my Chippo!
The Barrs are arriving as the DADT is leaving. "Oh no!" Roseanne says when she sees what they are about to do. "Yoo-hoo!" Dan hollers. She asks who should do it. Dan answers, "What do you think?" Hmm, that's a deep question. But she's grinning after they've read the Roadblock clue when she says that she will do it. He just smiles at her in that adorable dumb mutt way until she finally cracks and says fine, he do it. He suits up. He does a happy dance. Roseanne sighs - boys will be boys, she says. But she knows just how much Dan wants to do this, so there's no way she can take this opportunity away from him. (Let's not be cynical here and snigger at the idea of Roseanne actually driving that buggy.) And the thoughtful man that he is, as he sits in the buggy and he's about to go off, he asks, "You sure you don't want to do it?" She kisses him and says, "Goodbye, Mario Andretti. Be careful." It's a... surprisingly sweet moment, I must say.
Dan takes off - and the buggy stalls and dies a short distance from where he started. Roseanne laughs and hooes at Dan as he just grins and revs up the engine again. "That's just downright embarrassing right there!" Roseanne hoots as Dan drives off. Oh, yes, isn't it, Roseanne? Heh heh heh. Dan goes a few laps, passing Roseanne who cheers and hollers like a deranged Ronald McDonald, but she screams when Dan suddenly loses control of his buggy and the vehicle tips over with a loud and suspenseful crash. Roseanne runs towards the upturned buggy along with a few production guys, screaming Dan's name. Oh gosh, oh gosh, does this mean that Dan is dead and Roseanne will have to run solo from now on? She must be echoing my thoughts as she says in her voice-over, "I thought he was dead, that was it! I wasn't going to have my fancy-schmancy wedding, I wasn't going to get to win the million dollars, it was all over!" Oh, and yes, she's joking, in case you're one of those really sad no-life TAR fans that spend hours at forums writing thesis on how offensive the Barrs are and how the Bohunks should win because they aren't loud and obnoxious. Go back to sniffing Ugly Shorty's boxers or something. Humorless and uncool people don't get the Barrs, so there! As it turns out, Dan isn't dead. He's actually laughing as the production guys pull him out from the buggy. Roseanne tells him to be careful as the production guys turn the buggy upright for Dan to take off again. "I need you to win a million bucks!" she calls after him. Heh! Now this is one of the many reasons why I want these two to win this Race.
The Bohunks' lips are moving as they run towards the Pit Stop. I don't know what they are saying, and frankly, my life is better from not knowing. Thank you, Mute Button on the Remote Control. Judging from their expressions though, I think those two win another trip. I switch the sound back on to be certain of this, only to hear Ugly Shorty say, "Well, the pressure's constantly on. We've got to get to the finish line first in the last leg." Gee, I didn't know that I must get to the finish line first to win a race. The next time I'm in a race, I must remember that. Then he goes on to say that they will capitalize on the mistakes other teams make that they, the Bohunks, will not make. I have never laughed so hard in my life. Dude: morons. Dude!
The Barrs are giggling and laughing, in shock and in relief, I guess, when Dan gets out of the buggy. She opens a bottle of water and pours over Dan's head in some ceremonial "You're Crazy, I'm Crazier" bonding gesture. She voices-over that this Race has helped Dan grow up. Oh, she knows that I can't tell (and she's right) but she assures me that Dan is doing a lot of things he always wants to do so he'll be much more steady and ready to settle down with her after this show. Well, if that's the case, let's hope that the next Roadblock will be licking the icing off the stripper's naked body. That will really exorcise all wildness from Dan. No, Dan, Top Gun will not be the stripper. He's married, in case you aren't aware of that after all this while. Dan says one more time before they drive to the Pit Stop that the whole buggy experience is just "awesome".
"Was my driving really that bad?" Chippo asks as they drive to the Pit Stop. Top Gun says with a small smile that he is not answering that question. Smart man. Then again, will a smart man let Chippo take the wheel again after Chippo's Neanderthal On The Highway act? They finally reach Ellis Beach after asking for directions here and there, and voila, they are team number two. Philo, playing Oprah, asks Chippo about "how special it is" to be racing with Top Gun. Chippo says that he has learned on this Race Top Gun's patience with dealing with Chippo's mistakes. Personally, I'd substitute "patience" with "petulance" or "long sulks", but hey, love makes pimples look like dimples and all that, so Top Gun probably can't do wrong in Chippo's eyes. Poor Chippo. Philo then asks Top Gun about his feelings on making it this far. Top Gun says, "I think there are a few critics out there who didn't think we'd do so well, and I'm pretty proud to have made it through to be here." What critics? Me? No way! And what is he doing, being so defensive already against the critics that will be watching this show months after the Race has taken place? Stop being so defensive (or camera aware), Top Gun. And you, Chippo, stop stressing out. Relax. Go hang out with the Barrs for some tequila, get drunk, and get arrested for flashing in public or something. I do like this Team, by the way. If the Barrs can't win, then by all means, let the DADT win!
The Barrs are the next to reach the Pit Stop. Of course, they aren't eliminated, and they, me, and Philo know it. Roseanne, without much ado after Philo confirms that the Barrs are last, "We came to one very sad conclusion today - that we cannot have children. Because we do not want them to inherit our stupidity." Bwah! "Really?" Philo asks in that awfully insincere "I'm serious, really!" way of his. Yes, Roseanne says. She said that they made a mistake at every possible situation where a mistake could be made, and then some. Dan hopes that they have exorcised all their mistake-making tendencies on this leg and hopefully they will regroup at the final leg. He says that he believes in Roseanne because that woman will do what it takes to win, and he loves her for that. He feels that they have a chance. Which is why he gets naked and swings his hammer next week.
Philo concludes in a Really Serious Voiceover that next week is the Final Leg. Ooh, will DADT and the Bohunks, whom Philo calls "archrivals", duke it out next week? Who will win? And then there are the Barrs, whom Philo calls "the underdogs" (the Bohunks must be upset that the Barrs have stolen their self-proclaimed underdogginess) - will they stand a chance? Stay tuned next week, for naked Dan, if not for the promise of missed flights, more cars going out of control (I bet that's Chippo), and more evidence that New York is the craziest place on Earth, so crazy that even three Mumbai trains filled with lecherous men - now, Dan, don't get too excited - can't come close to comparing! Who will win the Amazing Race? Find out next week, and get the vinegar ready for TV kamikaze, because I know the Bohunks will win this thing.
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