The Amazing Race 4: Episode 11
The voice-over ear candy that is Philo "Fashion Disaster And Squishy Boobies, Aside, Whatta Hunk!" Koughie returns to recap last week's episode, which is, of course, all about how Seoul sucks the soul out of the contestants, bloodies the knuckles, and in the Oily "Hasslehoff, BJ, And The Bear" Bohunks' case, extends the stupidity for at least three more months. Blah blah blah, read the recap yourself. Four teams still remain. Who will be eliminated tonight?
Did I tell you that the Oily Bohunks are going to win this show?
Cars on highways! Skyscrapers! Signboard in Korean squiggles in case people confuse Seoul with Chinatown! Philo confirms that we are looking at Seoul, which he calls "the capital and economic center" of South Korea. He is, by the way, still wearing some ugly fur thingie that he has stolen from Joan Collins' wardrobe when she was still in Dynasty. Because, you know, Alexis the Bitch is back in fashion again. For some reason, the show skips forward the usual As The Pit Stop Turns moments, maybe because it's nothing but a Barr-DADT orgy (Roseanne is such a lucky hussy!) while the Bohunks sit the next room, stoned and mute except for the occasional "Bro?" and "Yeah, dude?" and "Bro?" again and "Dude, it's so... dude!" to break the silence. Nothing interesting worth showing on TV, I'm sure. After last week's male T&A galore, everybody needs a break from gratuitous flesh fest.
Top Gun says that he feels confident about this leg of the race. One of the Sideshow Bob says that he and his buddy will do whatever it takes to win. Even if it means balancing an operating chainsaw on their noses, I'm sure. Ugly "Hasslehoff, Post Electrolysis" Shorty wonders what he can do with a million dollars. Dude, like... dude! Roseanne says that the Barrs has one in four chances of winning the race. Wow, I won't know that unless she tells me, that astute and observant woman that she is. What happened to the good old days when everyone threatens to rip the other's throat and break all the bones in the body? Philo concludes the Run Of The Obvious by wondering whether the Bohunks can bounce back or whether Roseanne's torn knuckles will cause problems for her and Dan. I don't know how Roseanne will cause more trouble to Dan than she already does. It's not as if she will actually use her fist to do anything on this leg of the race, unless we're talking about her giving Dan a good one in the face. Which we don't want to see, because we all don't condone physical abuse, right?
Wasting no more time, the Barrs depart at 3:46 am. For some reason, Dan calls out, "Alright!" as he rips the clue open and reads that they must now travel to Hangang Park on Yeouido Island, a popular location for kite-flying. There in the park, there are some marked pedestals. A string tied to each pedestal has several kites attached to it, and among the kites is a clue which the Team must obtain by pulling the string down. Pulling strings so early in the morning - now that will really wake the Teams up, I'm sure. The Barrs try to get a cab. Roseanne wants them to hurry, but Dan wants to spend some time making sure that the cab driver speaks English. He looks over two non-English speaking ones, all the while Roseanne loudly worrying that the DADT will catch up.
At 3:55 am, the DADTs are off. Top Gun says that they must not work hard to get into the Top Three. As they search for a cab, they come across the Barrs. The Barrs immediately decide to waste no more time and ask the second cab driver that they are talking to to just get them to a hotel where the Barrs will then try to find an English-speaking cab driver. Hey, this strategy worked well for the DADTs at the last leg of the Race, after all. Roseanne in the cab says that she's feeling the pressure because she's the only female Racer at this leg of the Race. Please don't keep reminding me of that so often, Roseanne. I'm still smarting from the Hot Mommas' elimination in India. She says the last few tasks have pushed her physical endurance to the limit, but she's going to put everything she has into making Dan do all the Roadblocks from now on. Okay, I'm kidding about the Dan part. I hope.
Meanwhile, the DADT take the first cab that the Barrs rejected. Top Gun wonders whether the cab driver can speak English. Chippo says he can. Did they ask the driver? Hmm. Top Gun is happy that Chippo has taken care of everything as usual so he says happily that things cannot be any better today. Heh heh heh.
The Barrs, probably seeing in the rear window the DADT taking the first cab, wonder aloud whether the DADTs are aware that the driver doesn't speak "a lick of English". Indeed, right now in the No English Cab, the cab driver is saying "Okay" to everything the DADT is asking of him, which, of course, confirms my theory that non-English cab drivers say "Yes" and "Okay" to everything, even if you ask them whether their mother is a hairy gorilla. Top Gun tells Chippo that uh-oh, their cab driver speaks no English. Chippo grits his teeth and looks as if that "Oh! My! GOD!" face is going to make a reappearance. He rubs his forehead with one hand, probably going into Ming the Evil Emperor mode at this very instance. Top Gun says that Chippo takes this Race "really, really intense" and adds that this hurt the Team because sometimes the both of them forget to have fun on the Race. Chippo stares murderously at the cab driver's seat.
"Go, baby! Hoo hoo ha ha eeek eek uga uga!" Yup, the Sideshow Bobs are loose at 4:04 am and they are determined to prove to me that they are having fun! They are funny! They are clowns! Hoo hoo ha ha SHUT UP FREAKS. God. I don't see doctors running around stabbing everybody with syringes, so there's no excuse for these useless clownies to mug and hog the camera with their irritating monkey-see, monkey-howl antics. They get a cab driver that speaks English. Bah. In the cab, convinced that the driver knows where he is going, they then proceed to have fun mocking the pronunciation of Hangang Park ("Hangangangangang..."). Very funny, boys, now please go to the corner and eat red clown noses until you're stuffed and you can make any more noise. I have a headache today, so hush.
Chippo is waving his fingers at the back of the cab driver's head in that magic fingers way. He looks really furious as he growls at the cab driver to go faster. Looks like someone has forgotten to take a nice long nap during the Pit Stop. He pulls out a dictionary and makes some garbled sounds to the cab driver. I don't think he's making any progress there.
The Barrs get off at a hotel and approaches the concierge's desk. He and Roseanne find it amusing that he is speaking English and the cab driver has some problems understanding him. They really should sit Chippo down and share some pointers with the poor man. Maybe during the next Pit Stop? The concierge looks at the Barrs' map and points them at the direction of the island, while the doormn gets them the cab that will suit their needs. Meanwhile, two drunkards are pushing at each other (how much did Bonghammer pay these two again?) and Dan pulls Roseanne out of the way before those two try a Mumbai Man On A Train thing on Roseanne. Not that Roseanne is grateful. She sniffs that she can move herself out of the way, thanks Dan but no thanks. Hmmph. The cab arrives, and the Barrs depart.
The Sideshow Bobs are the first to reach Hangang Park. Meanwhile, the DADT see the island, but the cab driver drives ahead. Which makes me wonder about these cab drivers: just where exactly is this cab driver taking the DADT if he doesn't know where they are going? Does he intend to just drive around until the cab runs out of fuel or until Chippo wraps his big hairy hands around his neck and squeeze? Cab drivers, I tell you, I will never understand them. Meanwhile, Chippo is really, really furious. "Turn left!" he snarls. "Quick!" he snaps as he punches the back of the driver's seat. And the best, he does that finger-rubbing universal gesture for money thing, saying "I'm not paying you! Hurry!" Personally, I always believe that holding out a fistful of American notes will be the best way to get any cab driver to go faster and I'm not sure about the logic of telling the cab driver to go faster while threatening not to pay him, but hey, who am I to question Chippo's decision? He, after all, has the biggest balls of them all, and after last week, there's physical evidence to support the fact.
The Sideshow Bobs pull the string down for the Clue.
Finally, the DADT reach the island. Maybe the cab driver does know where he's going and maybe he just missed a turn or took them via a longer way. But there's no reasoning with the usually pleasant and polite (to the locals, that is) DADT. Top Gun asks the cab driver to just stop and let them out, as if the cab driver has no intention of letting them out. Chippo still sits there and stares daggers at the cab driver. "You speak no English, I shouldn't give you any money! Speak English!" he says in that low, threatening voice of his. Then in disgust he leaves the cab. Top Gun takes his bags and snarls at the cab driver one last time, "Speak English!" Because Top Gun always echoes what Chippo says in that pretty amusing way. I really wish the cab driver will then turn and tell them, "Go f**k yourself!" but then again, the cab driver really doesn't understand English, I guess. He's actually smiling and nodding to the DADT as he watches them leave his cab. It's probably the early hours of the morning, stress, and exhaustion that make the DADT behave like starving bulldogs denied breakfast, but really, come on boys, just be gracious, take your bags, chalk this up as an anecdote for dinner conversations, and go pull strings.
The Sideshow Bobs get their clue. "Wooo!" they say - predictably - as they realize that they must now fly 7,000 miles to Brisbane, Australia. At Brisbane, they must find this hotel that they never name on the show, register at the concierge's desk, and then proceed to the penthouse at the top. In case they aren't loud enough the first time and I miss out the fact that they are going to Australia, the Sideshow Bobs turn to look at the camera and say in that loud trailer park way of theirs, "Man, we're going to freaking Australia! I can't believe it!" I hate these two. I seriously hate these two.
The DADT are pulling down the string. They read the clue. "Let's go to the airport," Top Gun suggests. A brilliant idea, mate. It's better than, say, swimming from Korea to Australia. Then they and the Sideshow Bobs are getting into the same cabs that brought them here. "Go! Go! Go! Quick, quick, quick!" the DADT yell in unison at the happy, smiling cab driver. Alright, time out, you two. Go stop at some eatery and take fifteen minutes to have some pleasant breakfast or something. Go have a quickie in some toilet cubicle if you must. This attitude is not good - it killed the MillieChuck, and I hate to see the DADT lose and the Bohunks win everything. Time out, you hear me?
Soon after the DADT and the Sideshow Bobs have departed from Hangang Park, the Barrs' cab pulls up. Roseanne watches as Dan pulls a string of kites. The locals nearby are making some sounds that clearly indicate that Dan is doing something wrong. Dan pulls and pulls and pulls until oops, the string snaps. Roseanne says that this turn of event sucks.
Just when I am hoping that somehow the Bohunks aren't showing up, look, there they are. 5:15 am. In their cab, Ugly Hairy says that they are lucky to be here. Unlucky me. Ugly Shorty adds that they are happy to be here. I hate you two. Ugly Shorty, who must have memorized every self-help book he can get his hands on when he's not clutching surf boards with his armpit, slurs in his stoned Jay way that the Bohunks must now bring it on, bring themselves forward, win this Race, and destroy my faith in humanity forever. He says in scary sober earnestness, "We were last place in the last leg. We thought we were out of the race. David and I spoke and said, 'Listen, it's a new day. Let's start it out right and not make any mistakes.'" The way they switch from smarmy guru speak to beach bum speak never fails to unnerve me.
Back at Hangang Park, Roseanne is laughing way too heartily when she and Dan realize that Dan has been pulling the wrong string all along. Dan looks annoyed, but Roseanne is just thrilled to see her man proven wrong for once. Still, it's a quick read of the clue and a faster dash into their cab. The airport, here they come!
The airport every team is heading towards is the Ienchon International Airport. The Sideshow Bobs are there first, and all they can do is to gnash their teeth at the sight of the closed ticket counter. A woman staff worker passes them, and when asked, informs them that the counter only opens at 6:00 am.
Meanwhile, the Bohunks get their clue at Hangang Park, and they look for the Fast Forward. It turns out that the Fast Forward can only be used in Brisbane. Damn, I hate Fast Forwards. I hope this Fast Forward requires those two to derive the Shroedinger Equation.
The Barrs encounter what seems like early morning fog on their way to the airport. Dan compares their cab ride to flying through clouds and remarks that the appearance of the fog is pretty sudden, like "Zeus with a lightning bolt." He pinches nipples and he knows his Greek mythology. What a wonderful heterosexual male. And why am I recapping about fogs? Hello, Bonghammer, why are you wasting time on fog? I suggest you design your race better the next time so that I can recap fun things like a death-defying swim in a river full of piranhas or Ugly Hairy having to swallow his surfboard.
Now back to Ienchon Airport, the Sideshow Bobs are on the phone trying to book a flight. They are told that the only flight available is on Korean Air that will go to Brisbane via everyone's favorite cane-o-cracy, Singapore. The ticket counters are opened, so the Sideshow Bobs dutifully line up at the Korean Air counter for their tickets. Meanwhile, the DADT haul themselves into the airport at that moment, looking as if they have just learned that IRS have made a mistake and their tax statement is actually missing an extra three zeroes. They study the arrivals/departure notification board at the airport lobby, and Top Gun says that they have a choice of two possible flights to Brisbane: the one on Korean Air and one more on Singapore Airlines. Chippo, in a better mood now, asks the ticket counter lady about the two flights and is informed that the Singapore Airlines leaves and arrives at Brisbane earlier. So the DADT book tickets for that flight. And the Sideshow Bobs are given the wrong information earlier and they are now on a later flight. Ho, ho, ho, honk!
"Can I have exactly what they have?" Dan announces with Roseanne's laughter in the background as the Barrs come up from behind and around the DADT at the counter. Chippo now looks like Ming the Emperor all over again. Relax, Chippo. Don't lose your temper - there are plenty of ways to shake off the rest later. Dan makes an act of sniffing at Chippo. "Such a nice pheromone smell to you, it just makes me want to stay close to you," the marvelously heterosexual Dan says. He's so funny. Top Gun thinks so too. In a voiceover, Top Gun says that Dan tries to camp up the DADT's gayness and he suspects that this is because Dan feels threatened by DADT's being hotter studs than he is. I like watching these two teams, they play each other off so beautifully. If the Cordelias are still here with them, I bet there will be a marvelous new sitcom in the making. Anyway, both teams get their tickets and then look at each other, wondering where the Sideshow Bobs are.
The Sideshow Bobs are waiting at the departure gate for their Korea Air flight. One of the Bob says that it makes them nervous to be the only Team here. Where are the other teams? Does this mean that the Sideshow Bobs are making a mistake? Did the other Teams find an earlier flight? I wonder whether their flight is leaving soon. I'm sure they can't be leaving soon. Why don't one of them dash back to the main lobby and look around for the other Teams? Still, they decide to sit tight and stay put here despite their growning paranoia.
The Bohunks buy tickets for the earlier Singapore Airlines flight. Damn. They learn that they will arrive at Brisbane at around 6:30 am.
Oops, as it turns out, foggy weather outside is delaying all flights. Roseanne asks a female staff at the departures lobby how long will the delay take. The other woman shrugs - she doesn't know. The DADT are asking around about this delay too, and they have the answer: the delay is probably forty minutes. Dan is worried because this delay may cause them to miss the connection flight at Singapore to Brisbane. Ugly Hairy, Mr Non Sequitur But Oh So Obvious, points out that all three teams are on the same flight but the Sideshow Bobs are nowhere to be seen. And this is relevant to the discussion, how, Mr Ugly Hairy? Here, suck on this bong and be quiet. Please don't try and remind me so often that you're winning this Race, okay?
At first, the Sideshow Bobs - at another depature lobby - are told that there would be no delay. However, as they look out the window around much later, they notice that their plane is right at the back of what seems like long queue of planes waiting to take off once the fog clears. Ironically, they look at the passengers boarding the Singapore Airline flight as they fret and worry, not knowing that right there below are the other three Teams boarding the plane right now. They approach an officer and have their worst fears confirmed: their Korea Air flight will be delayed for two hours, maybe more. They can't waste two hours, one of the Sideshow Bobs say, they have a connecting flight to catch in Singapore! Now they decide to search for an earlier flight. In what seems like a scene out of a bad soap opera melodrama, they catch sight of the arrivals/departure board and realize that the early Singapore Airline flight is leaving in minutes. In fact, passengers of that flight is boarding the plane right now. Oh my evil red nose honky, the Sideshow Bobs dash to the departure gate, ready to beg, plead, and offer to balance anything - anything! - to get on that flight. The ticket fellow can't promise anything. One of them rest his head on the counter. Aww, that's so sad, hee hee hee.
The DADT, the Barrs, and unfortunately, the Oily Bohunks are warming their seats on the plane right now.
The Sideshow Bobs are not allowed to board the Singapore Airlines flight because the plane is really leaving soon and they cannot accept passengers at the "last minute". She somewhat coldly walks away even as the Sideshow Bobs begin another litany of pleas. The Sideshow Bobs can only watch as the plane takes off. One of them rubs at his eyes and the bridge of his nose wearily and says that they are done for. Hey, clowns, be positive! Remember your mantra about being upbeat at all times? Okay, I confess I do feel sorry watching them at this moment. Besides, I'd rather see them than the Bohunks. Now the Sideshow Bobs are pushing the trolley carrying their bags and stuff quickly down the airport hallway. One of them says that they are all stressed and his head is about to explode. "You've very rarely see the clowns stressed out. We're stressed out, man," he addresses the camera. Then he puts on that freaking red clown nose and all my sympathies evaporate. They manage to get on a direct flight from Seoul to Brisbane. They hope that the other Teams' flight get delayed or something. Okay, with that out of the way, they think it's time to start balancing stuff! Yay. He balances a pair of glasses on his nose! Yay! They tell everybody they are from New York! Woo! They tell jokes! Why did the chicken cross the road? To get to Korea Airlines. That one really slays me, I tell you. I take back everything I said about me being sympathetic to them. I hope the plane takes eight hours to refuel in Seoul.
Look, Australia! Beaches! Koala bears! Girls in bikini! Yup, we're in the Crocodile Dundee version of tourist hell Brisbane. The Singapore Airline flight lands and the three Teams dash out out of the arrivals gate as fast as they can. Ugly Hairy, fearing another wheelbarrow mystery, is concerned that the Sideshow Bobs aren't around. Top Gun talks about this being a tense leg. Did you and Chippo take my advice and have a nice pleasant meal to soothe your nerves? I think not, hmmmph. And Top Gun is wearing those yellow-brownish khaki shorts again. Did he wash those things? How many episodes have he worn those shorts anyway? I hate to see them win this show only to have Top Gun suffering from rashes around his privates. It's no fun to party when you can't party, if you know what I mean. Roseanne is pacing the hallway impatiently as Dan is a little bit slow in clearing the customs. Maybe the Australian customs mistook poor Dan for a Filipino immigrant and ordered a strip search, of which Dan demanded an encore because they didn't search Dan deep, er, close enough.
In their cab, Ugly Shorty announces that they are taking the Fast Forward. I throw popcorns at the TV screen. It's going to horrible to vacuum the carpet tomorrow, so another reason to dislike these two twits. Philo explains that the Fast Forward allows a Team to skip the rest of the tasks and head straight to the Pit Stop, yadda yadda yadda, helpfully clarifying that the team that takes the Fast Forward need not necessarily gain any advantage from it. It's a little too late to explain that, now that we have seen pretty much so many teams that took the Fast Forward in previous legs only to, well, gain little time advantage from it. Still, the bunchings at these late legs aren't as bad as the early legs or the previous season. But Bohunks taking the Fast Forward still annoys me. I really hope it's something tough, like having to clean Pauline Hanson's toilet and fridge. But no, instead the Bohunks are to reenact a reject episode of Baywatch. They must save someone. Ugly Shorty is psyched. Ugly Hairy points out that Ugly Shorty is a surfer so this one is no toughie. Damn. Damn, damn, damn! Is there any way I can get rid of these two from my TV screen? No? Oh, the pain.
Top Gun, in the cab with Chippo, explains that the DADT can't take the Fast Forward because they have already taken one previously to visit Chippo's family. Um, Top Gun, we have Philo to do the explaining about rules and all. We don't need a repeat, not so soon after Philo just did his overpaid spokesperson thing just seconds ago. Chippo is happy because the cab driver speaks English. I certainly hope the cab driver speaks English - they are in Australia after all. Right? (Yes, they are. I'm just kidding.)
Dan finally makes his way through the customs clearance and he runs up to the impatiently fidgeting Roseanne. They study their map and ask around before catching the subway train just in time. As Roseanne says as they board the train, "Perfect ten!" Then, Dan studies the map some more. Dude, relax. You can check out the gay bars later. The Barrs make it clear that they intend to be in Top Three. Echoing them, the DADT declares that "this" is "it". What "this" is and what "it" is, I don't know. The Bohunks performs the obligatory "let's ask the cab to go faster" TAR moment.
Then, uh-oh. Traffic jam. The Barrs catch sight of the traffic at the highway parallel to the railway line and they are ecstatic. Roseanne points out vaguely at the traffic and sings-songs, "Chip and Rei-ccccchen!" This is what they want to see - the DADT stuck in traffic, Dan adds happily. You know, I think the Barrs have transferred their unhealthy one-sided obsessive infatuation from the MillieChuck to the DADT. One can argue that this may be for the best: the Barrs may finally find hedonistic bliss better with a pair of well-endowed Speedo-clad emotionally closed-off straight-acting queens than with those two frigid humorless virgins.
Still, while the Barrs reach the station earlier than the Teams taking the cabs, they lose time trying to figure out where this hotel that they must go to is located. The DADT stops right by the hotel. Top Gun again repeats that it is a relief to meet cab drivers that speak English. Yeah, yeah, whatever. The day I am rich enough to charter one of the planes from your Tribe Airways service, Mr Top Gun CEO, you will hear me complain loudly that your crew can't speak Swahili. Anyway, they walk into the hotel lobby, almost misses the concierge's desk by heading straight for the elevators (boys!), and then backtracks to the desk in question. After registering at the desk, they dash into the elevators and head off to the penthouse suite as directed in their clue. The Barrs reach the hotel next, and Roseanne asks the concierge whether any team has come before them. She and Dan are quite disappointed that Chip and Rei-ccccchen! are up there already. Snigger.
Meanwhile, the DADT find their next clue at the balcony of the penthouse (which, from what I can see, isn't as luxurious as I would expect a hotel penthouse suite will be). It calls for a Detour. A Detour means that a Team must choose one of the two task options available and perform this task before they are given the next clue. For today, the Detour is "Face First" or "Foot First", and no, it doesn't have anything to do with sheep sex or any other fun stuff rumored to be uniquely Australian. Instead, "Face First" will require the team to rappel down from the hotel balcony all the way down. "Foot First" will see the Team walking all the way down the stairs to the ground floor, cross the street, and then climb up the stairs of a nearby hotel thirty flights of stairs all the way to the rooftop for the next clue. Naturally, "Face First" is faster to finish, provided the Team has the guts to do it fast, while "Foot First" is easy but slow unless you're a trained track athlete. The DADT decide to do "Face First". The Barrs burst through the door just as the DADT are gearing up to rappel down the building. Roseanne insists that they do "Face First", but seems to wonder what she has done when they start getting her geared up too. Dan assures her that she can climb down the rope and to prove it, he will go down first. Chippo is the first guy from DADT to rappel first. These two will be rappeling down at the same time. The track from that Linkin Park song comes on, because this is supposed to be exciting. Really.
The Sideshow Bobs have arrived at Brisbane. "It's all about the minutes," one of them say as they run down the airport hallway looking for a cab.
Ugly Hairy, in the Bohunks' cab, talks about how the Fast Forward is a do or die thing because if they fail the Fast Forward, they will have to go back to town and zzzzzz...
Roseanne says that she is scared "a little" as she looks down at Chippo and Dan getting ready to audition for the role of Spiderman's ugly brother. Big Chippo goes down like nobody's business (ahem), reaching the ground first. He is delighted. Raising his fists like King Kong in Australia, he hollers that Dan "watched a gay man and learned from the gay man". I don't even want to go there. He says in the cozy interview that Dan is especially peeved to lose to a gay man. I don't know - I think Dan will still be mad if he loses to a heterosexual chimp. That man can't stand losing, and when he does, he vocally abuses Roseanne. Next, Top Gun and Roseanne. Roseanne repeats that she's scared.
The Bohunks... do I have to? Oh, alright, but please bear in mind that I am in pain just reliving the whole sad nonsense. After a few wrong turns (really) on the beach, the Bohunks finally spot the familiar red and yellow flag and run to the lifeguard guy in charge of the Fast Forward task. The Bohunks must now take their paddle board thingies, swim out to sea, save someone, put her on the paddle board thingie, and take her back to the beach. No problem, right? The Ugly Bohunks strip down to boring shorts, proving that yes, half-naked men in decent physical condition can still be boring as ever, and paddle out to sea, Baywatch with ugly people, and...
"Dude, where? Where? Where do we go?"
I rest my case.
I need a drink.
Finally, they see this woman pretending to be drowning, and Ugly Hairy quickly paddles in that direction. In his cozy interview, he says, "I got out there, jumped off the board, put my arm around her chest, basically, and then was like... alright, now what?" He pushes the woman onto the board, only to have her tip over and fall back into the sea. "Drats!" Ugly Hairy says.
"Don't worry!" That is Ugly Shorty yelling as he finally sees Ugly Hairy and the poor, poor woman. He paddles like a madman towards those two, and then he's yelling when he's in front of them and Ugly Hairy looks as if he's trying to thwack the poor woman on the paddle as if she's some carpet to be beaten, all the while the poor woman just lay there taking the abuse like a pro. I hope they pay her an extra bonus once this is over. Ugly Shorty says that they are trying to finish the task as soon as possible - ah, so that is why they are murdering the poor woman! And is it only me that wonders whether there are any other situation where they treat a woman this way because they want to finish the task as soon as possible? The whole unfunny fiasco culminates in Ugly Hairy succeeding in pushing both Ugly Shorty and the woman off their paddles into the water again.
If I am drowning and these two are coming to save me, I'm going to take a deep breath and just die. At least I will retain my dignity.
Back at the hotel, Roseanne is ready to go down the building. She asks Top Gun whether he is scared. Top Gun says, "Not really." Roseanne isn't comforted one bit, naturally. Then someone thinks it's funny to call out, "One, two, three - go!" and then those two are rappeling down the wall. Top Gun does a quick job, with Chippo yelling in this awful high-pitched voice, "There you go - atta way!" Ugh. Roseanne is going down slowly. She says that she is scared, she can't find a foothold for her legs, blah blah blah. Dan asks her to hurry, saying, "You're letting that gay man beat you!" Top Gun, still climbing, yells at Dan that he is an asshole. "Catch his gay ass!" Dan calls out to Roseanne. "You're such a dick!" Top Gun yells at him. So much sexual tension among the DADT and the Barrs, I tell you.
Roseanne suddenly loses her footing and ends up dangling from the rope. She begins to scream in panic. "I'm stuck!" She begins to hyperventilate."I hate this!" she cries. Dan asks her to let go of the rope. I guess to a woman dangling from a rope high up from the ground, this sounds like a crazy idea indeed, so she doesn't. She screams again.
Top Gun reaches the ground. "This is awesome," he says in perfect timing even as Roseanne lets out another shriek.
"Step on the wall!" Dan tells Roseanne. In a voiceover, he says that he has never seen Roseanne so shaken before; this is the first time. Roseanne is slowly but surely finding her rhythm back again although she's still scared out of her wits. She says in her voiceover that she's "scared to death". Finally, when she's close enough to the ground, she asks Dan to catch her. Then she falls, and he catches her. "I gotcha," he says in this uncharacteristically tender voice to her. She says that she doesn't like the whole Detour and sniffs for effect. Dan says in his voice-over that Roseanne does whatever it takes to win the Race. Now they will have to catch up with the DADT.
The DADT are now getting into their marked vehicles nearby and driving to Mooloolaba, forty miles away, to get to the Underwater World. Philo's voiceover states that once the Teams reach the Underwater World, they must follow the marked path into the building to undertake their next task. Woo, look, fishies! And... whoa, sharks!
"Funny" music comes on as the Bohunks are still trying to rescue the woman. Ugly Hairy says that it isn't easy. They can't get her on the paddle board. They get her up, but it's in the wrong way. They accidentally push her back in the water. It's hard, he says, really hard. Then he says that she's a "solid girl". Then he pauses and realizing that he may be angering legions of overweight female fans that often take this show way too seriously, he hastily adds that he doesn't mean that the woman is fat, but it's just hard getting her up there. Then they manage to get her up there (I suspect that she probably has had enough and drag herself up to the paddle), upon which Ugly Shorty has the brilliant idea of shoving his nose at her crotch and push her and the paddle towards the shore that way. Or so it seems from the angle of the camera. Ugly Shorty says that their dismal performance is due to the waves being higher than he's used to and also because the water is too warm. Yeah, and the moon is too far away, there is never enough money, and everything is Clinton's fault.
They get their clue but alas, not the two hard slaps on the face from the "victim", and learn that they can now head straight to the Pit Stop at the Mooloolaba Yacht Club. "You were a good victim," they tell the woman as they dash off.
If any woman or man still want to sleep with these two after the finesse they displayed, the stupid man or woman deserves what he or she will get. It's not the Bohunks' fault. The bed is too high and the milk is too warm. And they are trying to finish the task fast. Oh, and you were a good... whatever.
The Sideshow Bobs are rappeling down at the hotel. One of them has a fear of heights, I think, and has troubles getting down. The other Bob hollers his encouragement. Maybe he should go balance something on his nose. That always seems to work.
Top Gun is quite annoyed that the DADT doesn't think to get a map beforehand. They are asking for directions to the Underwater World at a car wash, and Top Gun complains that they are losing precious minute this way. Chippo has a really creepy psycho face as he drives. The Barrs seem to have a map, they aren't asking for directions.
The other Sideshow Bob finally finds the courage to rappel down the wall. He mutters that he's just climbing down a hill in order to steady his nerves. His legs are making a bicycle-pedalling motion, and I have to admit, now that is funny. Then he's down, and the Sideshow Bobs accordingly make the extra-camera-conscious whoop and holler of joy before they run off to the Underwater World. They forget to dance a whoopy dance and yell "Underwater World!" in case I still don't get they are loud and obnoxious clowns. Then again, they are last sp they may decide to forgo camera hogging for once. Thank heavens for small favors.
The Barrs reach the Underwater World first thanks to Roseanne spotting the sign on the road, the DADT just seconds behind. As they all run down the hallway as if the prize money is within the halls, Top Gun complains that they are always faster than the Barrs but the Barrs always beat them at the end. I have to stop and puzzle over this one, because how can one be faster than the other team if the other team beats this faster team all the time? Then I decide that Top Gun is just a ninny and just watch the show in peace. Roseanne asks Dan to stop pushing her. All four gather around the clue stand located in front of a large aquarium. It is time for a Roadblock.
The Team must choose one member to out on scuba diving gear and descend into a tank filled with what Philo says "a rogues' gallery of sea creatures". Someone's been reading way too many young adult fantasy novels. These sea creatures include sharks, of course. Ooh, sharks. Of course, these sharks are probably fed to bloating point and even bludgeoned to half-consciousness before the Roadblock so that nobody gets eaten and the insurance people will be happy, so all that creepy music is wasted if you ask me. Dan says he will do it. Roseanne says maybe she should do it. Dan, not wanting her to have a panic attack like she did on the Roadblock and also because he doesn't want the DADT to beat them, insists that he will do it. Meanwhile, Top Gun decides to perform the Roadblock for the DADT. Both men strip down and put on the scuba gear. Since I've seen Top Gun half-naked on that Instinct cheesecake spread and here I am treated only to his half-naked back, it's not exactly a himbo T&A moment like last week. Dan seems to be wearing the same gray underwear as last week. Between his stinky undies and Top Gun's stinky yellow shorts, no wonder these two get along so well. Oh, and while Dan gets a black scuba suit, Top Gun's is pink. Hee, funny or what?
Dan goes into the water first. The guy in charge tells him not to stand on the sharks or they will get angry. I'll have to remember that the next time I have a mad urge to stand and dance at the back of a shark. Dan is also told to keep his hands together, I guess maybe because the sharks don't like getting molested. The Clue is in a chest at the bottom of the aquarium. Dan walks slowly towards it.
Top Gun, getting ready to go down, asks the guy in charge whether the sharks bite. No, Top Gun, the sharks swallow. The guy in charge rightfully ignores this stupid question and tells Top Gun to just go ahead and get into the aquarium.
Chippo and Roseanne are watching. Chippo stares intently at a guy and wonders whether that guy is Top Gun. Roseanne identifies the man as Dan. She waves at Dan. "Hi, baby!" she calls, and then points at a stingray swimming above Dan's head. Must be a long-lost sister. She asks Dan to look up and then seems disappointed that he doesn't. Dan just concentrates on opening the chest. He picks up one envelope, gives Roseanne a little wave, and then walks back the way he came.
Top Gun is inching slowly forward. He says that he has some difficulty moving in the water with all those sea critters moving around him. Then again, he always says he has difficulties with everything, so let's just move on. Dan passes Top Gun and remarks that Top Gun is actually petrified - Dan can see it in Top Gun's eyes. The heterosexual male-eye-staring man says Top Gun's eyes look like "the eyes of a cat hanging onto the ceiling with its claws". Then Top Gun slips on something and starts waving his hands around. Roseanne gasps and urges Top Gun to put his hands together. Chippo calls out Top Gun's name. A shark approaches. Oh no, is this the end of Top Gun? Then Top Gun realizes what he is doing and clasps his hands together. He and Mr Bruce the Shark exchange an Important Look before Mr Bruce swims away, thinking, "Silly humans." Top Gun voices-over that Mr Bruce's mouth is bigger than two of Top Gun's head. He believes that Mr Bruce wants him to realize that this is Mr Bruce's territory and Top Gun actually respects this territoriality of Mr Bruce and I take a hammer and smash my head to stop the voices in my head telling me how stupid Top Gun sounds at this very moment.
Dan is out of the aquarium. Roseanne runs to him after an absent "Bye guys!" at the DADT. Dan says that the whole experience is awesome because there are some big sharks in there. I think he is now ready to meet Roseanne's parents.
Top Gun carefully pulls out a clue envelope from the chest.
Roseanne rewards Dan with a kiss and then reads the clue as Dan gets dressed. They must now travel on foot to the Pit Stop, the Yacht Club. Philo chimes in that the last team to reach the Pit Stop will be eliminated.
The Bohunks reach the Pit Stop. They win another cruise.
"Great work, bro!"
"No way, dude!"
I... never mind. Let's just move on.
Top Gun and Chippo are now getting ready to run after the Barrs. Chippo reads the clue and then yells at Top Gun to hurry up in his getting dressed. The Barrs are running up and down, getting no help from the locals. They notice the DADT emerging from the Underwater World and quickly run away so that the DADT can't see them. Is it me or these contestants behave worse than children sometimes?
Both teams are actually scared that the Sideshow Bobs have beaten them and they may be the ones eliminated. I guess this is why for some reason DADT completely overlooks the "travel by foot" part of the clue. Chippo suggests that they run when he learns that the Pit Stop is about a kilometre away, but Top Gun suggests that they drive there. They spend some time arguing outside the vehicle, with Top Gun pointing out that the clue says "by foot". Finally Chippo tells him that "they" have made a decision so let's go. Top Gun meekly climbs into the backseat. Uh oh. Top Gun says happily that they will beat the Barrs in the race to the Pit Stop. You wish, dear.
The Sideshow Bobs are now at the Underwater World. The Sideshow Bob that gets into the aquarium freezes when a shark swims in front of him. The other Bob says that the Bob in the Tank is disgracing all New Yorkers by refusing to move under the shark. Oh dear, the DADT is definitely getting penalized for failing to follow the clue. The question is, will the Sideshow Bobs escape elimination this way?
Roseanne is surprised and then indignant when she sees DADT in their vehicle passing the Barrs. The DADT pulls up at the yacht club car park, runs to the Pit Stop, and does a "Yay!" thing when Philo tells them they are team number two. And then yay becomes eh when Philo goes on to explain that the DADT have disobeyed the Clue by using a vehicle instead of traveling by foot. So, the DADT is given a thirty-minute time penalty plus another additional five minutes penalty for the time they saved in taking the vehicle. So all in all, it's a thirty-five minute penalty. If the Barrs and the Sideshow Bobs all arrive at the Pit Stop within this thirty-five minutes, the DADT will be eliminated.
The Barrs kiss and are so happy when told of the DADT's penalty. They're team number two.
The Sideshow Bob in the aquarium pulls out his clue envelope from the chest.
At the Pit Stop, Chippo and Top Gun are, not surprisingly, hitting the bar and drowning alcoholic beverages like no tomorrow. Top Gun says that they are waiting here to see how the Sideshow Bobs will fare. The camera then shows the Sideshow Bobs running towards the Pit Stop as Top Gun voices over, "I like Jon and Al, but our work's gotta pay off sometime, and I just hope today brings us down to the Top Three." Philo informs the Sideshow Bobs that they are the last team to arrive. Aw. He tells the Sideshow Bobs of DADT's penalty. The Sideshow Bobs perk up. Then Philo, the evil tease, goes on to say that the Sideshow Bobs arrive too late to benefit from DADT's time penalty (in post-race interviews, they reveal that they are behind the DADT by almost an hour). The Sideshow Bobs are eliminated. Yay!
Aww, but everyone is so sad as they emerge from the Pit Stop to hug the clowns goodbye. Then one Sideshow Bob tells the other than the latter is a good role model. Mr Good Role Model then says he hopes he has been a good example to his kids. Puke. I dislike people who come onto shows like this with some weird agenda to prove their morality over others. Yes, you two, you have made your point on your red honky noses, now get lost.
On with the fun. Top Gun says that the competition is now "severe". Ooh. Ugly Shorty says that losers don't win anything. I'll get back to you on that one. Roseanne has her eye on the DADT, meow. The DADT vows that they will rip, push, shove, and tear anybody in their way. The Top Three looks like it's going to be like a sorority bitchfight. Bonghammer needs to give these people something more WWEish to say next week.
And that's it for this week. Next week: Dan kills a car, Chippo runs over Top Gun's foot, and the sorriest cowboy show ever.
Search for more rubbish: