The Amazing Race 3: Episode 7
What can I say? The Best Episode Ever. The disintegration of the Sibs Alliance, Zoolander Twins turn evil, Terror and Fiend of Team Tokens are nasty (my husband, usually a mild-mannered guy, calls them Team Fuckface), and the Tubby Sibs lay on the funnies until we Giggles laugh until our sides ache. This episode is simply the best.
All teams meet at the Riad Catalina, Morocco in the last episode, where Team Hydras get their well-deserved boot back to oblivion, but not before they valiantly try to mug and pitch their lousy sitcom at TV viewers. Good riddance, and don't come back. Oh, and please take Terror and Fiend with you on your way down.
So we have a brief glimpse of the teams unwinding and celebrating. I can say one thing though: Blue Zoolander Twin, you can't dance, you dance like a robotic stick doll running low on oil, you should just get naked and flash that smile, that's all, thanks. Love and kisses, us ladies of the world who appreciate good dancing.
Since Team Token took the Fast Forward and was first last episode, they start off first today at 3:25 am. Their clue tells them to fly to Munich, Germany, to look for Kasperle the puppet near the statue of Friedensengel. Munich immediately calls for a state of emergency knowing that Terror and Fiend of the Mein Kempf school of Marital Bliss are marching their way. "If we run a clean race from here on out and not make any more major mistakes, we should be in a good position to run for the gold at the end," Fiend says. He doesn't add that he will probably be whipping his wife Terror, whom he verbally abuses and speaks to as if she's the dim-witted dog in the family, all the way and that she will be sniping back in her typically loathsome passive-aggressive way.
Then comes the FloZac pill that is the Team Tool. It's 5:19 am. Florumba Pamburgerinti surprises me with how good she looks with hair down and she looks lovely in her outfit. I wonder if she can give me some discount for those clothes at that department store where she works. The Mumbling High Hair That Shocked Marge Simpson Into Catatonia dude however still looks like crap. Flomama tells of her relationship with the Mumbler that while she gets stressed out and yells a lot at her, they still make up and all. She's probably talking about herself, because the Mumbler looks more and more like dead man walking every episode. Even now, as they wander through the maze-like alleys, Flojomojo is shrieking at the many stray cats and telling the Mumbler off for being too laid back. I'm sure they will make up soon though, unless someone (hint: Zoolander) comes along and makes Flomoomoo twirls her hair and thrust her chin up like a young gal experiencing her first Justin Timberlake crush.
The Tubby Sibs of Bald Wholesome Goodness depart next, telling me how they do things in an unconventional way. Keep on the funnies, guys, and I hope you don't end up like the Frat Brothers and the Cha-Cha-Chas. The Zoolander Twins, United in Abs and Pecs of Gold and Glory, are next, and they talk about how this race is no longer stressful (read: the Hydras are gone, good freaking riddance) and how they are actually enjoying the race. Me too, boys, it's nice to see you two breathing for once, although I'm sure if you loosen those belts and drop those pants, it'll be so much easier to breathe.
The Sibs try to woo the cats in the alleys - don't ask - and they and the Twins band together again, the WonderSibs out to crush evil such as the Terror and Fiend of Team Token.
That's one thing great about TAR - even with the villain teams gone, the show can still be exciting and watchable, unlike, say Survivor (come back, Shii Devil and Toooollll). This show has it all - the underdogs, the champions, the winners, the losers, so much better than The Bachelor. Watch this show, people. Famewhores are so 1990.
John Vito is next. Jill is talking about how supportive they are of each other and zzzzzzzz. Look, his arms are sexy as hell and she's a gorgeous and capable gal, but these two need to say something new instead of recycling the same old love thing every episode. Man oh man, I'm tuning out. I'm just staring at his arms. Bye!
(Oh, and Jill, please buy a hairbrush.)
At the airport, the teams bunch, but Tokens manage to grab a 6:00 am flight to Munich via Zurich (hey, they rhyme!). The poor remaining teams are left to face what is known as the Curse of the Airport from Hell.
The teams all look around at flight monitors while trying to figure out the best way to Munich short of teleportation. The Twins, veterans of European flights, seem to know their way. By this time, the Sibs and the Tools are joined by the John Vitos. All tickets are overbooked and it is pure madness in the airport as people are pushing around and jostling. Schadenfreude is never this sexy or fun. Finally, all four teams grab a flight to Casablanca and hope they will find
It's now 7:04 am, and lookee here, Team MIA, who having enjoyed the best of Moroccan hospitality last episode, is finally starting off their race. "We'll do whatever it takes," one of them - Guns or Hoses, I don't know, I can't tell them apart and I don't feel like trying. They hope to meet the other teams at the airport. Translation: let's hope we can piggybank and leech on the team ahead of us! Useless freaking fools.
But without the Sibs Alliance, these two are like chicks that have lost their mother. They have no idea what to do to get tickets as, like the four teams ahead and now in Casablanca have learned earlier, there is just no tickets left. One of them suggest that they get a train to Casablanca, while the other argues otherwise. Bicker, bicker, bicker, and the minutes tick by as I laugh evilly at their utter ineptness.
At 7:45 am, the Sibs Alliance and the Tool Vito Alliance have arrived at Casablanca. Oh no, all flights to Europe are just as overbooked.
Team MIA takes a cab to Casablanca after what seems like a long time, because one of them is ragging on the other about how much time they have wasted in the airport.
At the Casablanca airport, everyone is trying to get seats on flight, any flight, that can take them to Munich before Christmas. I stare, not knowing whether to be shocked or delighted in a perverse way, when Red Zoolander Twin (I think it's the married one, Derek) and Flossmasher Presenti argue/flirt/smile/eeeuw. She is smiling, she has that shine in her eyes, and the way she stands and all, it's as if little miss kitty here has her eye on a prime piece of trout on the larder. Red Zoolander Twin is grinning like a wooden idiot. Well, at least he has a nice smile. And he's married, so Flohorny, get your grubby paws off him! (Blue Zoolander Twin, Drew, the shy one, is still available, honey.)
Flo also comments that the Sibs Alliance work together while the Tool Vito Alliance band together, and no alliance is helping the other. Why should they? It's a freaking race, after all. A million dollars await at the finishing line, so out of my way, all of you, I'm coming!
When Team MIA finally reach Casablanca three hours, however, they find the other teams there. My, are they delighted! The Mumbler mumbles something that sounds like, "They're so annoying!" while Floormezoolander Ohohohpesenti says that Team MIA will just piggyback off everyone here.
So she sweetly tells the ticket counter in lovely Italian not to sell tickets to MIA who, true to their nature, are standing just behind the Tools in the queue. Her Italian, like her French, is pretty fluent. I think I'm beginning to like this lady, even if she screeches like the president of the Worldwide Fishwife and Harpy Consortium. Anyone who has an ax to grind with MIA and Token is alright with me. (Me, shallow?)
Team MIA meets a new buddy - an airport ticket officer - who offers them a place in a waiting list. So they wait. Losers!
The Sibs Alliance and John Vito finally got themselves seats on the 11:45 am Air France flight to Munich via Paris. Tools sit on the airport floor, dejected, until they somehow get themselves on the 3:00 pm flight to Munich via Frankfurt. This leaves Team MIA still waiting at their airport, lost and abandoned by the rest of the team mates who refuse to be piggybacked any longer, and this is so rich, heh heh heh.
"We may not get out of here until tonight or tomorrow morning. I want to leave this place so damn bad."
Bwahahaha! This is what happens when you don't have the smarts to schmooze airport people. When people like Flo can get an airline ticket and these men can't, this shows how seriously bad Team MIA is at the game. Hey, what happened to the waiting list anyway?
Finally, shortly after the Tools depart for Munich, they manage to get a 3:15pm flight to Paris and then worry about getting to Munich from there onwards. Hey, MIA, remember the Groanies? Remember Daddy and Nelly? You're joining the illustrious ranks of TAR teams that have been, uhm, how shall I put it? Screwed by an airplane?
It's 5:30pm and the Tokens are in Munich. No! They take a train to Friedensengel where they find the stupid puppet. Fiend, recognizing that the Puppet is no better than that useless piece of rag he believes his Terror wife to be, is so nice to the puppet, to the point that he almost finger hump that thing. When the Fiend is nicer to a puppet as opposed to his wife, that is when I decide he must be made to repent and eat live gerbils. Then I look at Terror and the Wife and decide that they're both freaks and I shouldn't bother with them and they can all go holiday in the Sun or Fiend can do that Jewish greeting to Osama Bin Laden's zealot soldiers for all I care.
The puppet gives them the next clue. They must now take a train to Innsbruck, Austria, about 60 miles away, where they must search for a monument, Annasaule, or the pillar of St. Anna, located near the Olympic Village. Both locations have the next clue.
While they're off, the first batch - John Vito and the Sibs Alliance - have arrived at the Munich airport at 8:30 pm. John Vito and his Rambette Girlie dash down the hallways like Hercules and Xena trying to escape the hounds of cancellation, while the Tubby Sibs lag behind. Displaying the first signs that not all is well under the Sibs Alliance facade, the Zoolander Twins wonder whether they should wait for the Tubbies and beat it. But in the end, they decide to stay back and wait, upon which they all catch up with John Vito at the train station.
Team MIA, at Paris, finds themselves in the next level of chaos - the ticket counters are closed. A woman tries to help them, but no go. They have to stay in Paris and wait until morning for the ticket counters to open. Someone take mercy and do the six gun salute on these losers. Watching them fumbling about is like watching two dumb sheep headbutting each other until their skulls crack open and they bleed to death. Way to go, MIA, to reinforce the myth that they deliberately hire the dumb in the police and the fire departments in America.
Back to Munich. John Vito and Sibs Alliance get their clues ten minutes apart from each other, and now they jump into cabs and dash to the train station. Since they're so close, they have no problems getting the same train and all. It's choo-choo to Austria they go.
John Vito is telling me how happy he is that Jill is smart and she makes good decisions and zzzzzzz.
The Tools finally reach Munich at 10:30 pm, at this time where the Sibs and John Vito are on a train to Innsbruck. Floonononono is whining that they are so far behind, they have probably no hope anymore. She sits on the floor of the train to Friedensengel, dejected. Boo hoo. Cry me a river.
Hubby says that it serves her right for trying to sabotage team MIA. Karma, et cetera.
"But it's team MIA!" I protest.
"Oh yeah, go Flo!"
Sometimes I wonder if my hubby has much more in common with the Mumbler than I initially suspected. Hmmm.
The Tokens have reached the Annasaule, where Terror finds the clue. It's a detour. "Sled" vs "Skate". To sled is to take a bobsled and wheeeeeee one's way to the next clue, while to skate is to, well, skate. But skating won't be easy if one can't skate (duh). The bobsled is faster, but there's a catch - there are only two bobsleds, and the time between rides can be as long as twenty minutes.
The Tokens decide to do the bobsled.
But there's another catch: the bobsled thing only opens at 8:00 am. Nitey nite Tokens, have a pleasant nightmare.
I've never been so happy to see a bunching that effectively renders these two miserable old freaks' fast forward totally useless.
They get the first number for the bobsled ride, if that's any consolation. For them, that is. I still hate them, and I want them OUT.
The Tools decide to take the Fast Forward. Actually, they don't have to, considering the Great Big Bunching that will happen at 8:00 am tomorrow, but hey, they don't know that bunching is taking place, so I can't blame them. They must find a surfer dude riding the waves along the Eisbach River. They get his attention, and he'll give them the clue. I think picking my nose is tougher than this Fast Forward task.
Flo wonders if they can't get the Fast Forward before Team MIA - who is really MIA at this moment, back in Paris, arguing with a ticket officer who insists that the ticket counters are all closed, kapish - as the surfer dude will only start surfing in the morning. The Mumbler doesn't say anything. He has probably gone deaf somewhere around the last train ride, not that I can blame him. Flomoana can be a bit loud, if I may say so myself.
It's now 1:30 am, and the Tools decide to look for a place to sleep. Flo refuses to sleep in an establishment that charges less than twenty five euros, and her volume knob turns to maximum when the Mumbler suggests a youth hostel. "Because it's gross!" she shrieks. Tell me about it, I've heard stories about sailors in the YMCA that make me shiver in a not a very nice way. It's all the Village People's fault, I tell you, for making people mistake YMCA as Young Men Choose Anal. Anyway, that's neither here not there. The Mumbler says that there is a lot of tension between he and Floshrieka and it bothers him when she yells at him. Oh yeah, I can believe that, definitely.
They find a room and Flonona closes the door on the cameramen. Judging from the "Don't leave me alone with her!" look on the Mumbler's face, I don't think there will be a lot of love going on in the YMCA Love Shack tonight.
In the meantime, the Sibs Alliance and the John Vito are working together. By this I mean that they all march in one single file towards the clue in Innsbruck. They all decide to bobsled, and they all march to the bobsled place. The Zoolander Twins spot the number tickets first, takes the one with the Number 2 on it, and whispers to the Tubbies to take Number 3. They do, and whispers to John Vito to take Number 4. John Vito has no one to whisper to, and this is the punishment for them to being part of the Alliance of Dorks. Eat Sibling Supremacy, you two! Snerk.
They all head over to the main building, where they find the Tokens huddled and bundled up like two homeless folks from Calcutta. Fiend is not happy. I am so happy.
At 7:00 am, the Tools reach the river. There are some sexy Austrain guys wearing tight black wetsuits, and I make a mental note to check out Austria next summer. The Mumbler runs down the river, shouting "Alo! Alo!" while Floyella does her usual Shriek And Shriek repertoire, and finally, one dude tips over and hands them the clue. I try to check out the surfer dude's package (so I'm sad, sue me), but I can't see anything impressive. I still want to see Austria though.
The Tools are now given a vehicle to drive straight to the Pit Stop. It's in the shadow of a lovely castle called Neuschwanstein in Füssen, Germany, reputed to te real Sleeping Beauty castle. Hunky surfer dudes and romantic castles. Why am I stuck in boring Singapore? Life can be so mundane. So there they go, driving and screeching like two crazy loons that Europe has never seen before. This beats National Lampoon: Family Vacation, I'd bet.
It's now 8:00 am and wooh, it's bobsled time. Fat Tubby, John Vito, and Skinny Tubby dominate the TV screen, the Hot Hunk in a Tubby sandwich. Fatty Tubby is complaining that he is scared of speed and all. Can you feel the homoeroticism in the air people? Okay, I can't, but John Vito in bobsled lycra? Phwoar! I curse the Zoolander Twins and John Vito for not doing the skating detour. I could use the sight of tight clenching buns in body-hugging tighties and powerful hips moving as they propel themselves forward with a backward thrust of their butts and... er... never mind. Anyway, the Tokens go first. Fiend says that he feels great, and the speed and curves (yes, curves) are all to his liking. Now they get the clue that tells them to move across the town to get to this place called the Gondola Nordkette. Yup, it's cable car time, people.
In the meantime, the Zoolander Twins are next. Rambette Girl goes "Woooh!" Maybe one of the Twins' pants fell off, I don't know. One of the Twins, in his typical sissified voice, says that the whole ride is way more intense than he expected. Like, wow, dude. Who would've thunk?
The Tubbies are next. "Let's go figure skating," the speed-fearing Fatty Tubby suggests. Skinny Tunny shushes him - not gonna happen. Then they're off. Wheeeee!
Team MIA finally struggles to Munich. How did that Cranberries song go? Ah yes, "Does anybody care? Does anybody care?" Anybody?
Let's move on.
Sibs move down, and they play the intro riffs of U2's Kiss Me, Thrill Me, Kill Me. Cool. John Vito goes next, and John Vito laughs like a spastic idiot while Rambette Girl says that that was so fun.
The Zoolanders varoom off in a cab. The Sibs have called for two cabs to come pick them up (it's around 8:30 am now), but their cabs don't show up. The Twins took one, that means either the horrid Tokens have snatched the Sibs' cab or the cab is a no show. Another reason to hate the Tokens. They suck!
I wish I haven't said that. "Tokens" and "suck" in the same sentence make me feel quite nauseous.
Speaking of the freaks, the Fiend is telling the Austrian cab driver in his Redneck Troll Pacino style, "Show me what these Austrian drivers can do!" Yeah, Austrian cab driver, pull over and beat the living daylights out of that asshole now, and kick him the ribs for me, will you?
Back to the Tubbies and John Vito, watching as cars after cars whizz past them. Oh no!
The Tokens reach the station, and the Zoolander Twins are close behind. They find themselves in the same gondola - is that what they call cable cars over there? - and both team stare off each other, Redneck Freaks versus Pretty Boys in a final showdown. There, they encounter a roadblock. One member will have to tie a string/rope/whatever around them and boing down 230 feet to get the next clue. The set-up for this road block easily allows John Vito and the Tubbies to catch up, and now everybody bunches again. You can see the smoke rising from Fiends ears as what's left of their Fast Forward is burned to crisp by this one final bunching. Who would've tought bunching is this cool?
Team MIA, at this time, finally talks to the puppet in... wherever. Zzzz.
Terror is doing the jump. So does one of the twin, which one, I don't think I should care, because I'll take any one of them as my new sauna boy. Wait, Blue Zoolander is doing it, as he's now telling the camera how glad he is that Terror is jumping first because the line looks cheap and flimsy. If you can overlook the fact that he's gloating over the possibility of an old woman falling down and dying most painfully, this is the most animated I've seen either of the Zoolanders being. Then again, we're talking about Terror. Call me evil, but I feel somewhat animated myself.
Hmmm, Evil Zoolanders. I like that.
Terror goes down. Eeeuw, not that way, people. Gross!
Fiend cheers and yells at her and good gracious, just shup up, freak. I bet TAR must be happy TV hour for their kids at home. "Run up here, Teri!" he yells as if his wife is some sheepdog, and the wife runs up to him. Both of them? Freaks. Complete freaks.
By this time, the Tools have reached the Pit Stop. They are greeted by Philo Koughie (still no sign of Manboobia - must be a good day) and a German man in scary feathered headgear thingie. The Tools are so shocked that they are first. Apparently they are expecting to be Dad-and-Nellied. Woo! Woo! They also win the same crappy camera the Tokens won last episode, and someone please put a caption in that scene. "Who gives a damn?" will be perfect.
The Twin goes down. The Fat Sib shouts out a funny, and the Blue Zoolander Twin shouts back another funny. Someone, please, give them a sitcom! Rambette Girl goes down. Skinny Sib goes down. It's not that difficult a road block, come to think of it. Hmmmph.
Red Zoolander Twin seems to have misplaced their clue. Actually it's left on the counter, and Terror notices it. She returns it to the Twins. Later, she stews as the Twins open a guidebook to pore over the location of the Pit Stop, because she believes that she has done them a great favor and they must help the Tokens back. The Twins argue that they would have found the clue anyway eventually - it's just over at that counter, and like one of them says, "I'm Supposed To Be Indebted To Her For The Rest Of The Race?!"
"I'll remember next time!" Terror hisses.
Oh, please, bitch, give me a break. This is a freaking race, and besides, the Twins are right - they would have easily found the clue, it's not lost but placed there in plain sight. Besides, you offer the information, and the last I check, nobody is obligated to repay you, especially when you and your hubby treat everybody (and each other) like crap that they actually gloat at the thought of you plunging to certain death? Got that? You = freak. Now shut up and lose.
But I'd expect the Twins to be meek and share the info. Ooh, the Twins have - dare I say it? - a streak of Eeeeevil in them. That's so sexy! Who says they are bland? Who? Who? (Shut up.) These guys are so evil and hot, hot, hot!
Team MIA on their way to Innsbruck, actually overslept and wake up when the train pulls in at a stop three hours away from Innsbruck. If this doesn't prove that these two are complete, utter morons, I don't know what will. Next!
All of them drive and try to get to the Pit Stop. At this point, the Tubby Sibs decide to break apart from the Sibs Alliance and drive in a different direction from the Zoolander Twins. Fatty Tubby snarks that no doubt the Twins are probably reading the map wrong. Never mind that the Tubbies have no maps (it's with the Zoolander Twins), I find this sudden ruthless streak in them rather intriguing too. To think these people are supposed to be cute and nice as much as the Zoolanders are supposed to be meek and sissified? They are starting to look very evil, and I like that.
John Vito is puzzled when the cars ahead of them pull away in two different directions. Jill tells him to follow the Tubbies. The Tokens also are taken aback, but they too follow the Sibs. The Zoolander Twins must be wrong, the dimbulbs that they are...
Wrong! Bwahahaha, but we Giggles have a great laugh when it turns out that the Zoolander Twins are in the right direction. The Twins themselves remark that John Vito and Rambette Girl and the Tokens must think them dimwits when it comes to navigation. Take that, people!
Er, wait a minute, not really, maybe, as those two soon begin arguing - think shouting and yelling and lots of F words being thrown around - when Blue Zoolander Twin in the backseat messes up his directions. Red Zoolander Twin has a very nasty temper when he's impatient and fed up - a typical big brother, come to think of it - and both of them yell the F word at each other.
Sssssssh sounds from the Sibs' car. Fatty Tubby asks what the sound is. Oops, it's a flat tire. A wrong direction and a flat tire? This is what happens when one tries to cross the Evil Zoolander Twins, bwahahaha! Fat Tubby says some snark, and Skinny Tubby says the lovely F word, with a "you" after it.
This must be the most erotic TAR episode ever.
They drive their car, with flat tire and all, to a mechanic, laughing all the way like the jolly good sports they are, past a befuddled Token, whom then Fat Tubby made a priceless snark about.
While the other three teams are hopelessly lost, the Zoolander Twins bicker all the way to the Pit Stop - second. Wow. Who would've thought? These dimbulbs are turning out to be quite the racers. If they win this thing I think the joke will be on everybody who underestimates this team.
The Tubby finally gets to a mechanic. Boy, their flat tire by this point is beyond salvage, torn to pieces actually. While they good-naturedly clap and cheer the mechanic on, John Vito and the Tokens are trying to navigate the German Highways of Hell. Finally, John Vito reaches the Pit Stop in third place, the highest position they ever have on this race. Things are looking good, you two. The Tokens are next. The disgusted look on Philo's face is worth these two freaks reaching the Pit Stop in time to avoid elimination.
Finally, the Sibs straggle to the Pit Stop. Their happy dance when they learn that they are not the last is so cute. Philo tries to do his serious "Ken and Gerard, you are..." thing, but they just lay it on him until he breaks down and smiles back. These two are so adorable, even as they shout "We're last!" (technically, they are). Woo-hoo!
Later, later, much later, Team MIA finally shows up and is told to get lost and go back home. They gush and try to pass off their stupidity as some Help The Community BS. "It will show that we eat and sleep just like everybody else. We bleed like everybody else. We're just everyday, common people. I think that will help bridge the gap between the police department and the community."
Lies, lies, all of them!
The stage is set for the Duel of the Evil Sibs, with the Tools watching from the sides warily. Who will win? I can't wait to find out. I just hope things get really bloody, violent, and gory.
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