All-Stars Survivor: Finale
Ba-ba bom! A very special "Previously..." is in order as this is the finale of... what do you mean? Yes, we've reached the finale. I don't blame anyone who feels like they've just woken up from a long slumber though, because this season on the whole has been dull. The unsatisfying conclusion is the nail on the coffin of this season. All-Stars Survivor is the third dullest season ever after Africa and Thailand. You can read the recaps yourself to get the idea of what Jeff "I Hate Jerri Because Colby Told Me To" Proboscis is saying: Tuna's toppling, Rudder's rejection, Jabba's jeopardy, Rat Boy's removal, Hatch's heave-ho, Sue's standing up, Colby's crash, Ethanol's ejection, Jerri's jostling, Lex's lopping, Kathy's kick-out, Alicia's axing, the Shii Devil's sacking, Tom's termination, and now, it's down to Halfwit Hagrid, Jibbering JennaLoo, Anesthetic Ambore, and the Rapturous Robfather. Who will be the sole All-Star Survivor tonight?
Credits. The Robfather is the All-Star Sole Survivor and if you disagree, you are all wrong. So there!
Day thirty-six, still night. The four of them return to camp after taking Big Red Tom out during Tribal Council earlier and settle down around the fire. JennaLoo cluelessly wonders aloud what Tom's stony glare at them was all about. Well, dear, it's just Tom trying very hard not to cry because he will definitely miss all of you. Hagrid tells her that Tom is Very Angry and tells the camera unnecessarily that they have just kicked out Tom. Yes, I know, thanks for telling me, now shut up and swallow a fish or something.
They should make it a law that annoying people like Hagrid should only speak when they have something useful to say, and even then, they should write it down first and only talk when it's absolutely necessary. Thank goodness I don't have to listen to his irritating baby voice, his self-aggrandizing speeches, and self-congratulatory gloating ever again. Thanks for playing Hagrid, now take the million dollars Burnetto and CBS conspired to throw your way, buy a clue, and don't come onto my TV or newspapers again unless it's in the form of a news report that you've somehow fed yourself to the alligator you keep in your living room.
Now, where was I? Oh yes, the show. I hate this show.
The Robfather does a zen-like pose as he tells the others that Tom had lied to his face "five times". Wait, I thought he couldn't understand a thing that man said? Never mind. JennaLoo brings up the fact that the Tribal Council was "honest" but "hurtful". Funny, I thought everyone paid insincere lip service to honesty and friendship during Tribal Councils. Not that it's ever a bad thing in the context of this game, if you ask me, but tell that to the sourpuss losers on the Jury. To the camera, JennaLoo wonders how she manages to end up in the Final Four. I'll get back to her on that one.
Hagrid decides to go scrub some pots, preen at his reflection in the water, hump a rock he's named Laura, make love to himself, or something, I don't know, leaving JennaLoo with Ambore and the Robfather. Those two quickly pounce on JennaLoo, telling her that if Hagrid doesn't win Immunity in the next Challenge, those two will vote him out. The Robfather tells JennaLoo that she has no chance at beating Hagrid in the Final Two, so she should seriously consider taking her chances with Ambore and the Robfather. "You can take your own destiny in your own hands!" he tells JennaLoo. Ambore tells JennaLoo to think about this. JennaLoo doesn't have to give them an answer as Ambore and the Robfather will discover her decision at the next Tribal Council, but Ambore wants JennaLoo to take her time and think about what they have proposed to her.
JennaLoo is left in deep thoughts. Oh, decision, decision.
Morning, day thirty-seven. The four are awakened from their sleep at the sound of a boat approaching. It's Probby and he's bringing them a big basket of breakfast goodies, including champagne for any raging alcoholics that can't wait to get smashed before noon. No wonder Hagrid is so eager to help Probby bring the breakfast basket to the camp. Probby also brings them a polaroid and a scrapbook for the four to make themselves some souvenirs. What, no Xerox machine? Photocopying their backsides will only add life to the breakfast buffet and self-love photography session!
Ambore says that she loves breakfast - it's her favorite meal! She finds this breakfast "huge". And she proves this by demonstrating on a strawberry why she is just so lovable and cute, because it's not everyday that she gets to suck on strawberries for breakfast. Only on Survivor, which at this stage is indistinguishable from an expensive vacation at Club Med. They all make a toast, predictably forgoing orange juice for champagne, and the Robfather tells the camera that he's not going to break away from Ambore and he's certain that Hagrid and JennaLoo are tight as well. But he hopes that JennaLoo will come to their side and help them vote out Hagrid should the opportunity arises. If not, there's always the dreaded Purple Rock, he says with a shrug.
JennaLoo and Ambore collect water and JennaLoo is telling Ambore that she doesn't want all her efforts to boil down to the "fricking" Purple Rock. Ambore tells the camera that she and the Robfather have asked JennaLoo to join them and prevent the Purple Rock from making an appearance. I know that already since they only show me that scene a few minutes ago. Why can't these people give confessionals that are actually interesting for once instead of mere rehash of previous scenes in the same episode? Bah. Back to the discussion, JennaLoo says that her siding with the two would help her get "one step closer" to the million dollars. She tells the camera that she is "taking fate" in her own hands.
I think she's doing the right thing. People always say that Dirty Old Paschal was given the short stick when he drew the Purple Rock back in Marquesas, but I am not as sympathetic to him as many others are because he could have prevented his boot if he'd break the tie by going along with Crazy Kathy and InVeeSible to boot Princess Neleh. Strategically, he would be better off as well because there was a chance that he could win the final Immunity Challenge and square off with one of the two women in the Final Two. Instead, he chose to take the high road and acted as if his creepy friendship with the hypocritical and self-absorbed Neleh was more important than a million dollars. So off he went, too bad, but not so sad at all in my opinion, because he made it clear that he didn't care about winning. Unlike Dirty Old Paschal, JennaLoo wants to win. That's why she's doing the right thing by stabbing an ally in the back. It's just too bad that people sometimes get so caught up in their moralizing and posturings that they lose track of the fact that they all signed up in the first place for the second time to win a million dollars by any way necessary.
While the two women are collecting water, Hagrid and the Robfather are apparently making pancakes. Don't ask me how they get the ingredients. Knowing Burnetto, he must have the flour and what-not specially flown in from Germany just for these people. JennaLoo immediately squeals that she is hankering for a pancake all along. After all, the big breakfast and champagne smooch a while ago aren't enough for these people. Hey, Burnetto, when's the ten-course lunch? Hagrid points out as they eat that this meal is someone's last "supper", assuming that people actually eat supper early in the day. He hopes that it's not him leaving. That statement alone would make me personally vote for him out of pettiness if I haven't made up my mind to do so previously, were I in the Final Four. Besides, does it matter? He'll be getting the money anyway, by hook or by crook, because Burnetto and CBS have massive hard-ons for anti-meritocratic, anti-intellectual hapless hubris-laden poster boys that make people believe that it's okay to be stupid as long as you work hard at being stupid.
Did I mention earlier that I hate this show?
It's now time for the Immunity Challenge. The Amazon Final Four would recognize this one as it's the same maze thingie that allowed Probby to pretty much hand over the Immunity to Jabba. This time around, there are some changes. For one, the four have to wander through the maze to collect eight ladder rungs scattered at eight places throughout the maze. They will have to take these rungs back to the center of the maze where they will fit the rungs into their respective ladder. The first person to then climb up the ladder to the top of the platform wins Immunity. Instead of being blindfolded, this time the four can use their eyes but they will have to face some silly obstacles in the maze like rope tangles, beams, quicksands, acid pools, and a very hungry anaconda. I'm just kidding about the quicksands, acid pools, and anacondas, unfortunately.
In the flurry of scrambling, the Robfather and JennaLoo get disoriented, and while Hagrid tries to catch up, it is Ambore that finally wins the Limited Tool necklace. The Robfather punches his fist in the air. He knows that he's safe. Or is he? Hmmm. The other two look disappointed as everyone heads back to camp.
Two people are relaxing at camp while two other people are jittery and nervous. Guess who I'm talking about. The Robfather sunbathes while Ambore works on her scrapbook. Meanwhile, Hagrid and JennaLoo huddle together for some chit-chat. Hagrid tells JennaLoo that they will vote for the Robfather and leave the rest to chance. JennaLoo reveals to him that the Robfather and Ambore had approached her last night with their plan to boot Hagrid, but says that she'd rather pick a rock than to let those two wallow in the "smug satisfaction" of knowing that they are shoo-ins for the final spot. I suspect that she's saying this to Hagrid just to placate him, but I still think she should have just kept her mouth shut.
Hagrid tells the camera that his fate "rests on the honor of a twenty-six-year-old single mama who really, really wants to win badly". I never trust people who describe other people in terms of age and whether or not they are married with children. They are creepy. Will anyone trust a butcher who describes his clients as a "twenty-six-year-old single mama who just bought a slice of beef from me"? Shut up, Hagrid.
The Robfather quietly asks JennaLoo what she wants to do. She tells him that she isn't sure. The Robfather admits that he's not the most unbiased person to talk, but he reminds her that she can never beat Hagrid in the Final Two. JennaLoo responds by saying that if that is the case, she'd rather gamble on the Purple Rock and hope that it will take the Robfather out. Huh? The Robfather reminds her that none of them can beat Hagrid in the Final Two, so it is to everyone's advantage that they get rid of Hagrid now when they have the chance to do so. JennaLoo hesitates. In her confessional, she says that she is not happy at being bossed around by the Robfather, but she concedes that what he is saying makes a lot of sense. She feels that if she takes either Ambore or the Robfather to the Final Two should she wins the Final Immunity, she'd win the million dollars. After all, it's obvious that the Jury are all a bunch of whiny sad-ass crybabies who will operate on the "Anyone but the Robfather" principle.
A touching moment between Ambore and the Robfather is next - as touching as the show's most treacherous Bonnie-and-Clyde couple can ever be, that is. Ambore holds the Robfather's hand as they walk along the beach and look far away. She tells him not to look so down. He gives her a sad puppy face as he tells her that he has no longer any control over the game and he may be leaving tonight. They sit on a rock where she holds him and tells him that he should take it easy because things will work out for the best for the both of them. The Robfather tells her that he wants her to win if he goes tonight. She shakes her head and tells him that she wants him with her to the very end. The Robfather looks at her and confesses that he's "a little bit" scared about what will happen at the Tribal Council tonight. I'm touched. This must be similar to Bonnie and Clyde's tender moment right before their final crime spree.
Meanwhile, Hagrid is in a jovial mood as he thanks JennaLoo for "saving" him. JennaLoo has a furrow in her forehead as she tells him that she still hasn't made up her mind as to what she should do. To the camera, Hagrid says that he and JennaLoo have a pact never to vote for each other and he is confident that she, like him, will not break the pact. (Never mind that he was ready to vote JennaLoo off in a pique of childish anger if the Shii Devil rallied enough people to orchestrate the boot - Hagrid changes and revises history as he sees fit.) He will not pressure her, he says, because he doesn't want that "young girl", as he calls JennaLoo, to get "paranoid" and do stupid things, like presumably making a Hovel In The Sand, building the Slowest Catamarine in a Raft Race, and whining that people don't appreciate how hard one has worked at being stupid. It's not the result that counts, damn it, it's the fact that Hagrid worked hard at being inept - that is why he is "deserving" of the million dollars! HATE.
JennaLoo says that she comes here with no intention of allowing her emotions to control her actions. Hagrid, in a rare moment of unintentional honesty, tells her that he lets his emotions control all his actions, but hey, he can't change who he is! Meanwhile, the Robfather is worried that Hagrid is trying to guilt-trip JennaLoo into taking chances with the Purple Rock. It occurs to me to wonder why Hagrid doesn't try to get together with Ambore and the Robfather and propose a JennaLoo boot, because it seems foolish to risk the Purple Rock instead of making some solid last-minute deals with other people. Of course, those two may not agree with booting JennaLoo, but Hagrid doesn't even consider the notion in the first place. Then again, maybe he just doesn't care because Burnetto must have told him that come what may, they'll give him a million dollars anyway because he's inexplicably the most popular Survivor ever and Burnetto hopes that giving Hagrid fans a bone by making their unworthy hero a millionaire will get them to watch the next season and keep Burnetto in business. Whatever!
JennaLoo tells the camera that she doesn't know what to do. How many times does she intend to say this? I get it - she can't make up her mind. Can we move on?
Night, Tribal Council. The four take their seats, and Probby invites Whiny and Pussycats to walk in and entertain the audience with their famous eyerolls, headshakes, scowls, and jawbitings. They all talk about betrayals, with Probby acting as if betrayals have never happened on the previous seasons before. I'm still not sure how Probby can say that Tom was "betrayed" when Tom did all the grave-digging himself, so I'll add him to my "Drop Dead, Freaks... Oh, and Shut Up!" list. The Robfather says that there are two sides to every story. Lex shakes his head and rolls up his eyes at the same time, an impressive feat indeed for a certified imbecile. Ambore reminds people that she was betrayed in Australia but she ended up voting for the person that took part in her betrayal because she had the grace to admit that she was outplayed and she respected the opponent for this. The Jury, of course, sneer and shake their heads because how dare people betray other people on this show! What is the world coming to? Hagrid manages to make more empty soliloquoys, with him describing the day as filled with "highs and lows" (and naturally never elaborating on it - he just likes to hear himself pretending to be a one-cent Hemingway) and him hoping that JennaLoo will "stand strong" to face the Purple Rock. Having courage to let Hagrid win - only in Hagridsville, I tell you. Probby finally cuts the BS and asks them to vote.
Hagrid votes for the Robfather. "I don't know what else to say. I hope we both have two votes, and I hope we go into a tie." Yes, our "deserving" hero's entire gameplan banks on a 66% chance that someone else will get a Purple Rock and let him move on to the Final Three. He's indeed the People's Champion. Meritocracy? Is dead. Maybe the late Jonathan Larson is right and I should just lock myself in my room and play the guitar while moping about a one-song glory.
The Robfather gives his love to Hagrid. "You're a gentleman, buddy. It's been a pleasure playing the game with you. I hope it's you tonight and not me."
Ambore predictably votes for Hagrid.
JennaLoo says that she isn't sure whether she's doing the right thing, but in the end she writes Hagrid's name down on her paper.
Probby tallies and reads the votes. The Robfather, Hagrid, Hagrid... Hagrid! JennaLoo looks down, obviously guilt-ridden. Hagrid stands up and shakes the Robfather's hand and then hugs JennaLoo, reassuring her that it is just a game. Ambore graciously kisses Hagrid's hand because she's the queen of this island. And then Hagrid is gone and Probby sends them back to camp.
Hagrid changes his tune about the whole thing being a game in his final words, saying that he is a "little angry" and "almost disgusted" at JennaLoo for "choosing greed over friendship". Yes, JennaLoo wanting to protect her interests in what is essentially a competition can somehow translates to "choosing greed over friendship", because Hagrid signing up to do this entire show is just to make new friends among the Survivor alumni. Hagrid goes on to say that he is proud of himself because he has never lied or betrayed anyone. I really hate sanctimonious assholes like Hagrid who come onto this show and then act outraged when it's Outlast, Outplay, Outwit and not Outfish, Outbrag, Outwork. I hope he takes his million dollar handout and invests everything in a smart scheme concocted by Porno and CC, and the last I hear of him will hopefully be he and his Hawaiian sling on a fish-killing rampage as he tries to track down Porno, CC, and the million dollars they have gloriously cheated him out of.
Back at camp, the Robfather and Ambore console JennaLoo and reassure her that she's done the right thing. Sheesh. The Robfather and Ambore are the only sane bunch among these people. It is okay to want to win the million dollars, JennaLoo. This is Survivor, remember? Outwit, get it? It's okay to lie! It's okay to cheat! It's okay to betray! This is not real life. Didn't these idiots get the memo?
Morning, day thirty-eight. It is still dark when the boat brings Probby over to the camp. Probby sarcastically wonders why those three Cheap Broken Egos are up so early. Ambore tells him that they all couldn't sleep. And why couldn't they sleep? What are they doing, hmmm? Sheesh, why do I even care? Probby reminds them that today is the day of Overdramatic Flashbacks Accompanied By Wailing Flutes And Windpipes Ai-Yai-Yai. He hands them the map and tells them that they are expected to paddle themselves to the Valley Of The Ai-Yai-Yais where they will pretend to respect the dearly departeds of this season.
And so they go. Yes, the Robfather, you're so pretty, but damn you for wearing your red shorts underneath that sarong thingie. I want to see bare legs. The three, now painted and accessorized, walk along a path where torches of the departed ones are placed for their ersatz reverence.
Tuna. Nobody cares. Tuna tells the camera that she did All-Stars because Survivor is a part of her, thanks to her using some of the money to augment her breast size so that the show is really indeed a part of her forever.
Rudder. They all talk about respecting him for his age and for being in the military. Rudder tells the camera that he is slower this time and there's more "cutthroat" going on, unlike in the military where they all hold hands, sing Kumbayah, and teach everybody to drink and be merry.
Jabba. Nobody cares. Her torch is on the ground because she quitted. Jabba tells the camera that she has won in the past, so, like, whatever. She and Ethanol sprout that "we've won once so we're, like, always winners" line so often that I suspect that they will still be using that line when they are old, forgotten, and desperately trying to impress other drunks in the bar which they patronize fifty years from now.
The three laugh at Rat Boy's torch. Because he's such a loser, I know. Rat Boy tells the camera that he is a victim of his success, if "success" can be in any way interpreted as "losing to the guy you're supposed to mislead and befuddle only to come in third". Big Gay Hatch insists that the game is harder this time around. No, Hatch, it's just that you've never actually come up to scratch from day one. Sue, whose torch is also on the ground, says that she is "exempt" from emotions and energy. Colby insists that he's learned patience from this game. Be patient, Colby. Maybe you'll finally have an acting career in thirty years' time. Ethanol again reminds people that he won in Africa without receiving any votes so it is so hard for him to be at the receiving end this time around. Er, yeah, it is hard, so now you can just go away and take your sucky-lipped shagbuddy Jabba with you. Just go away.
Ambore touches Jerri's torch and thanks her because she won't be here were not for Jerri becoming the sacrificial lamb at Lex Loser's altar of terminal dumbness. Jerri tells the camera that she doesn't know why she signed up for All-Stars - for the same reason that she did The Surreal Life, I'd guess - but she made it, woo-hoo! She should remind me of that again when she experiences her embarrassing meltdown on the reunion show. Lex Loser repeats that he let his "compassion" show and hence made a mistake of putting friendship over business. Or something. It's now official: Lex Loser is the figurehead of the Survivor Asshole Hall of Shame.
Crazy Kathy thinks she's such a nice person, too nice for this game. Does that excuse actually work? Alicia says that she tried to tone down her attitude but it didn't get her any further in the game this time around. Oh well. The Shii Devil insists that she'd lost because she was outnumbered. I guess that it helps her to sleep easier at night if she keeps believing in her line. Big Red Tom is honored to be considered an All-Star. Memo to Tom: I didn't pick you to be on this show. All thanks and your lips should be directed towards Burnetto's flabby bum. Hagrid says that he came here to take care of himself and everybody else and he did. Did I tell you about that Hovel In The Hole story? That one never gets old.
Ambore says to the camera that she is "proud and guilty" when she walks past those torches, and she is now "scared and nervous" on what will happen next. Color me "annoyed and perplexed" at just how her confessionals contain nearly nothing of substance. "Proud and guilty" - good grief.
Now they walk into the clearing where Probby awaits for the Final Immunity Challenge. Hey, it's the same Final Immunity Challenge of Pulau Tiga! How nice of Burnetto to remind people just how much this season sucks compared to Pulau Tiga. The rule is: the three must stand on some poles and place one hand on the Immunity Idol. They must not touch the Idol with their other hand or lift their feet from the poles they are standing on. Ready? Go!
Thirty minutes. The Robfather cracks a joke about how lively the Final Three are being. But no one moves.
An hour. Probby asks JennaLoo how long she can go. Since he's spoken to her first, she's doomed. It's the Curse of Probby, after all, which is only second to the Curse of the Car when it comes to destroying the dreams of Survivors everywhere. JennaLoo says that she can last as long as those two and then a minute longer. Later she admits that she has a cramp. The Robfather and Ambore exchange a truly evil look as the Robfather mockingly imitates JennaLoo's tone when he sing-songs that JennaLoo has a cramp.
Two hours. JennaLoo subconsciously lifts her foot a little to ease the cramp in her leg and unfortunately, Probby catches her at it. She's out. I feel quite bad for her, because she's really a nice person underneath that motormouth babbling. Still, the third prize money isn't bad, if you ask me. Not as good as a million bucks, but it will make a great wedding gift.
It's now down to the Robfather and Ambore. Ambore asks him to step down because he's worn that necklace a million times already. But he stays put regardless. Probby asks them whether they have some trust issues to work out. The Robfather says that they have always agreed on taking on each other in the Final Two. Ambore however insists that they have talked about one of them stepping down for the other. Why can't she then step down and give the Robfather the Limited Tool necklace if she's all for stepping down? What a silly dingbat. The Robfather just smiles mischievously at her and tells her that she wants to win, she'll have to beat him. Um, sorry? I kinda got distracted by his smile and the way he says "Well, you're gonna have to beat me" like it's the sexiest thing a man could ever say to a woman. Do Bostonian men always sound this sexy when they speak? Maybe I should take an educational field trip to Boston one of these days.
Three hours. The heat is getting worse. The Robfather manages to shift his position into a crouch without lifting his foot (that or Probby didn't call him on it; he always likes his macho men and this won't be the first time he closed one eye to game irregularities - remember Colby?) and encourages Ambore to follow suit. She says she can't as her hand is too short. Yes, she can, he says. She tries to change her position and, oops, touches the idol with her other hand. A-ha, busted! I bet the Robfather distracted Ambore on purpose, that sneaky rascal. He gets his well-earned Limited Tool necklace from Probby and the two women give him a hug. Now all remains to be seen is whether the Robfather will take Ambore to the Final Two.
Come on, don't yawn! Let's pretend to be even a little excited about this season, shall we?
Back at camp, the Robfather emerges from the sea after a swim. Nice. Meanwhile, JennaLoo tells Ambore that she will never stop giving herself a hard time for lifting her foot during the Immunity Challenge. She berates herself to Ambore, saying that JennaLoo's daughters won't be happy that their mommy blew everything on the account of her lifting her foot. To the camera, JennaLoo voices her absolute certainty that the Robfather is taking Ambore to the Final Two. She is sure that she can beat the Robfather and she believes that Ambore will too. "He's giving his girlfriend a million dollars - a pretty good boyfriend," she concludes with a hint of bitterness.
The Robfather and Ambore take a walk, leaving JennaLoo to stew alone. Ambore tells him that she isn't sure whether he will really take her to the Final Two. The Robfather is incredulous that she can doubt him. She tells him that it's not that she doesn't believe him - oh, why is she doubting him then? - and she's sure that he'd be nervous too if he was in her shoes. He reassures her that he will take her to Final Two. Ambore tells the camera that she is "ninety-nine percent" sure that he's telling her the truth, but she has seen him break his word to other people. The Robfather tells her to "clean up" her "attitude" before wandering off to sulk alone.
Alone, the Robfather muses about his options. He confesses that he has some doubts about his chances of winning because he has burned too many bridges and offended too many people. He also thinks that Ambore rode his coattails all the way to the finish - now, let's not make rude jokes about Ambore's riding skills, because these two say they're going to get married after all - but at the same time, he acknowledges that he would look "like a complete ass" if he doesn't take her to the Final Two. In the end, he isn't sure whether he can win against either woman, but he'll do what he thinks will be the best for him - no namby-pampy concepts like "moral" will sway his judgment, no siree. He wonders what one would do for a million dollars. And with that, the evening fades into night, leaving the Robfather to ponder over his choices and his decisions that led him to come this far into the game.
Night, Tribal Council. Probby welcomes the three and bring on the sneering eyeball-rolling Jury. He and three chit-chat about boring things about JennaLoo's regret, the Robfather and Ambore alliance, and nothing that I've never heard or seen on this show. And then the Robfather goes to vote. Probby goes to collect the vote, and unexpectedly, the Robfather chooses Ambore to go along with him to the Final Two. JennaLoo hugs Ambore and the Robfather and keeps her chin up as she walks out of the Tribal Council. Probby congratulates the Robfather and Ambore for being in the Final Two and send those two away.
JennaLoo in her final words says that she has no regrets on how she played the game but she will never live down that foot incident for the rest of her life. Poor JennaLoo, she really wants that money so badly!
Ambore, at camp with the Robfather, prattles about how he makes her feel safe from the marauding anacondas and sharks and pygmies that besiege their camp every day... oh wait. She then gushes that the Robfather allow her to be proud of herself and... oh wait. Why is she supposedly in love with him again? At least he likes her smoking ass. Why does she like him again? Oh yes, because he makes her feel so go-oo-od. It's all about Ambore. She says that initially her alliance with the Robfather is merely strategic in nature, but in the end, there are feelings between them. And gropings and face-suckings too, I'd bet. Oh sorry, is she talking about that other kind of "feelings"? She concludes her happy prattle by saying that she is so glad that she entered that alliance between she's now with him.
The Robfather and Ambore are now seated around the fire. Burnetto pulls at his hair in frustration, yelling at his interns, "Why aren't they doing it yet? Damn it, those two, do it doitdoitdoit DO IT!" The Robfather tells the camera that it's good to be in an alliance with someone he can trust and he's also proud that the both of them manage to beat everybody to get this far. He is certain however that the Jury will hate the both of them. He has no idea.
Morning, day thirty-nine. Those two are taking photos of each other using the Polaroid camera. Don't worry though, Paris Hilton won't be getting any competition from this couple anytime soon. They snuggle and tell each other how wonderful that person is and how cute and how sweet and what not. Yucks. Still, this beats watching that idiot Jesse Palmer trying to pretend that he's on The Bachelor to find true love and not to score with some idiot women while hoping for Hollywood to come a-calling. The Robfather catches some fish and wonders sarcastically how he managed to survive all this time without Hagrid. Wow, who would've thought that he would be able to catch some fish and fend for himself? He then compares this game to the survival of the fittest, saying that he and Ambore are the fittest because they can adapt to circumstances to outlive the others. Ooh, I love a man who could quote me some Darwinian evolutionary theories. I wonder what he thinks of natural selection.
Ambore tells the camera that she hopes the Jury won't ask her why they should pick her over the Robfather. Because they are sore, hypocritical "titty-sucking" (thank you, Tom) losers who cannot separate the game from their feelings? The Robfather tells the camera that some members of the Jury are bound to take things too personally but bravely dismisses them by saying that if they are angry, it's their problem, not his. Such bravado alas does not change the fact that in the end, these losers are the ones who would decide whom the money will go to.
Those two spend the rest of the day cuddling and congratulating themselves on their wonderful gameplay in remarkable tenacity displayed only by professional narcissists. They are sure that the Jury won't be too happy, but they have no regrets. And this is the best day ever for them. Oh, and the bugs are still bothering the poor Robfather.
"Do it! DO IT! DO IT!"
Oh hush, Burnetto. If you want to have skanky sex on your show, go take over Big Brother from Arnie Sopooro. Or better still, go give Hagrid a million dollars and have him do it to you instead.
Night, the final Tribal Council. Probby explains that it's business as usual: the two will throw out their sales pitch and then the Jury will of course ignore everything and commence with the public lynching afterwards.
The Robfather brings up broken promises he'd left in his trail and while he understands if the Jury is angry with him, he hopes that they will recognize his gameplay and how he tries to do well for his tribe as well as for himself, and give him credit for that. Alicia sneers at him. She sneers more than she usually sneers, and yes, that's actually possible, at least for Alicia.
Ambore insists that she's so happy to get a boyfriend out of the deal and that she's here mainly by luck but she has no regrets about how she played the game. That is the most brilliant sales pitch I've ever heard delivered on this show. Stunning, simply stunning.
Now Lex Loser speaks. What can I say? It's the same old crap he's been spewing in his post-boot interviews about he helped a "brother in need" only to be betrayed - betrayed! - by the friend he holds most dear. After giving a particularly disgusting and hypocritical speech that drops words like "serum" and "true measure of a man" (don't ask), he insists that he's played the best game of all because the two people standing before him "sold out" their "characters" and "friends" for money. He has the nerve to say that he hopes it is worth it, them supposedly losing their character to win this game. I really don't know what to say because while I am expecting something so ridiculously hypocritical from him, he surpasses my lowest expectations altogether with his diatribe. All I can say is, I hope Lex will one day sit down, rewatch the episodes of this season, reexamine his reasonings for booting Colby, Ethanol, and Jerri, and then try and figure out how his actions there is different from the Robfather's actions towards him. For one to enter this game for the second time around and then squeal in self-righteous indignance when he receives the very thing he dishes out is downright despicable. Very poorly done, Lex - that is an indescribably sickening and absolutely disgraceful Jury performance.
Crazy Kathy steps up. She has her Wounded Woman act down pat as she says that the Robfather was worried about how he would be perceived before the game starts, so at the light of how he treated his "friends" in this game, she wonders what happened to that concern. This question makes no sense - is she saying that the Robfather aren't allowed to outwit, outlast, and outplay people because these people are his friends in real life? What then is he doing on this show? Kathy needs to get a grip on herself. The Robfather puts on a contrite face and plays to her sympathies, agreeing that he's caught up in pitting friends against friends and now that he reflects on his actions, he's so contrite. Oh, Kathy, he's so contrite! Are you happy now? Snigger. Kathy now turns to Ambore and demands to know, "yes or no", whether Ambore is playing the Robfather out. Will she remain with him after the show? What a double-edged question. If Ambore says yes, Kathy can call her a mercenary opportunist. If Ambore says no, Kathy can accuse her of riding coattails. Maybe Kathy genuinely wants to get an insight into Ambore's gameplan - yeah, I believe that too - but asking Ambore a question that is pretty much equivalent to "Did you whore yourself out for a million dollars?" is a little too much, if you ask me. Ambore tells Kathy that she has feelings for the Robfather, yadda yadda yadda.
Now Kathy turns once more to the Robfather. Tears roll down her cheeks as she tells him how much she considers him her son and she is "crushed" that he didn't acknowledge what they "had". Am I the only one getting some Fatal Attraction vibe here? She insists that she understands about her being outnumbered and voted out, but she is unable to understand how the Robfather can "check friendship at the door" when he plays the game. Oh, cut that out, Kathy. Does this mean that the next time my husband beats me at Monopoly, I should divorce him because he puts greed over our love? Give it a rest. She blubbers on, becoming more incoherent and embarrassing to watch, blabbering about how the Robfather left people in "carnage" and how he could have taken another "path" to Momma's Sweetest Love or something. If I'm particularly nasty I'd say that, judging from her weepy and incoherent breakdown, she's pretty much screaming for a pity shag from the Robfather.
Hagrid steps up and says that the previous speech is a tough one to follow. He's actually referring to Big Red Tom's childish outburst, because the Jury actually spoke in the order of their boot. Burnetto mixes up the order for the televised episode to generate more "excitement", especially since he's deprived of the first televised reality TV show sex scene from the Robfather and Ambore. And when Hagrid is one of the few people that can display some awareness as to how out of control the other Jury members are becoming, that's how whacked the Jury are being. Hagrid calmly and even sportingly congratulates the Robfather and Ambore for coming this far and thanks them for sticking to the alliance with JennaLoo and Hagrid. I suspect that the perceived loyalty of those two to him is the main reason behind Hagrid's sober Jury performance. He asks Ambore why she should get his vote. She says that she worked hard to be where she is. Another brilliant answer from Ambore. Hagrid asks the Robfather the same question. "Because you're a man of your word," the Robfather tells him. Hagrid chortles because that's what he wants to hear. In the end, it's still all about Hagrid.
Alicia stands up and starts a ridiculous diatribe about how the Robfather and Ambore are nothing more than "butt-kissing" and "ego-stroking" no-lives with the "lowest standard of play". Newsflash to Alicia: she lost, she is standing in the Jury, she had no allies, she was mocked by her tribe members, so the "lowest standard of play" must be ten times better than her own play. "Now, you may have outwitted us, outplayed us, and outlasted us, but you have not outclassed us!" she insists. Oi, Miz Thang, you're still poor and friendless, "outclass" is not in the Survivor motto, and you can take your waving hand and stuff it into your mouth. My God, who is she to rant about class when she's acting like a spoiled, jealous primadonna denied her goodies and it is all their fault? Alicia wants a one-word answer on how the two people would describe their gameplay. "Competitively," says the Robfather. "With luck," says Ambore - another answer so splendid that it revolutionizes the concept of "one-word answer". Alicia sneers and sits back down.
The Shii Devil steps up and calmly talks about hurt feelings and betrayals. But, she says, "people in glasses shouldn't throw stones" - and she says this with a glance towards who I assume would be Lex - and adds that all should be fair in war, love, and Survivor. I shock myself by standing up and cheering for her. Finally, a dose of lucid sensibility amidst the out-of-control self-righteous two-faced whining and bitchery of the Jury! The Shii Devil says that she hasn't decided on whom she should throw her vote to, so she wants the each of them to give her three reasons why the other person deserves to win the million dollars. The Robfather and Ambore pretty much say that each other is a loyal, dependable partner, with Ambore also complimenting the Robfather on dominating the physical challenges this season.
JennaLoo now approaches them and first says that she doesn't have negative feelings unlike "some" members of the Jury. She wants to know what those two would do with the money. The Robfather highlights his plans to start a scholarship fund for the Boston University hockey team that he coaches. JennaLoo nods. Ambore says that she knows a few friends with muscular dystrophy so, er, yeah, she'd donate to charity bodies for that cause. I wonder which cause JennaLoo will find as worthy and noble as her own cause to use the money to pursue the acting careers of her and her husband. Still, she's pleasant, nice, and sane, which is a welcome change from the other hostile members of the Jury.
Big Red Tom gets his turn now and it's back to ridiculous indignance again. Among other truly offensive nonsense he spews, he compares the Robfather jettisoning him for Ambore to the goats in his farm running to a "nanny", an action from those goats that Tom deems worthy of castration. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't like the idea of a woman being compared to an animal that Tom keeps in his farm. He also snarls about the two being dishonest to him, even when he reveals in his first post-finale interview that if Lex hadn't decimated his own tribe, Tom intends to gang up with Lex Loser and betray the Robfather and Ambore - just like the Robfather accused him of plotting to do to which Tom denied again and again. Big Red Tom really has no leg to stand on when it comes to honesty. He's just angry because he screwed up and now he intends to nail the Robfather for his own failings.
He asks Ambore why he should give her the money. She stammers and demurs but ends up answering that it is the Robfather who did a little more betraying, especially as he was the one with a tight alliance with Big Red Tom. Big Red Tom turns to the Robfather and insists that he is with the Robfather since day one. Oh? That's not what Tom said to TV Guide later on, that liar. The Robfather tries to placate that hypocritical lying redneck hickweed by pointing out that they both know what actually went on and Tom was really planning to betray the Robfather the way Tom accused the Robfather of betraying him. Tom finally says that there are no hard feelings, extends a hand, and pulls it back when the Robfather makes to take it. "Don't be stupid, stupid! I may have fell for that once, I fell for it twice, not this time!" he snarls. At first I am amused, but after reading his TV Guide interview where he pretty much admits that the Robfather is telling the truth, no longer.
Probby now quietly allows the two to address the Jury one last time. Ambore says that she has learned a lot from the Jury and she will be thinking about these lessons. Seriously, she's the forerunner for the Worst Jury Performance Ever award. The Robfather tries to salvage things by playing the meek and contrite repentant rascal, even shedding a few tears that he later amusingly explains are tears of grief when he sees his chances of winning slipping away from him. But the Jury are wrapped up in their righteous and often wrong indignance to care.
Probby now sends the Jury to vote for the winner.
JennaLoo asks the Robfather and Ambore to be proud of how they have played the game. Good for JennaLoo! Now that's what I call a woman with perspective as to how one should play Survivor. She votes for the Robfather because she respects his gameplay.
Alicia smugly reminds the Robfather of the promise they made never to write each other's name down. Guess what? She's a woman of her word! The disgusting sore loser votes for Ambore.
Big Red Tom calls the Robfather his brother and swears again it has never crossed his mind to vote off the Robfather, which we all know now is a lie. And then he has the nerve to expect the Robfather to apologize to him. The lying misogynist pig votes for Ambore.
Crazy Kathy calls herself a sucker for believing that there's still a friendship going between her and the Robfather. She writes his name down and asks him to take the money and run with it. She needs to see a shrink really badly. Emotional boundaries, Kathy, can sometimes be a really good thing.
Lex and the Shii Devil vote. Their speeches aren't shown even on Survivor Insider, but I'm sure we can all predict what they will be. Lex will be going on and on again about friendship blah blah blah while the Shii Devil will wink and insists that her vote is based on the Power of Cunning or something.
Probby goes to tally the votes. He takes the pot, tells them that the results will be revealed live in America, gets on a helicopter, and apparently spends the whole journey hanging from the door on the off-chance that he can get an enjoyable buggering from the Statue of Liberty. And then he's in the Madison Square Garden, packed with some of the most unthinking idiotic Hagrid fanboys and fangirls that will proceed to cheer Hagrid even if Hagrid is calling them stupid dipsticks that can kiss his hairy fat behind, Colby because he is hot, and boo everybody else. I have a feeling that the audience are trucked in from the American Idol studio.
Probby notes that Ambore is wearing a tacky "I Heart Rob" T-shirt and as she stands up and shows it off, the crowd boos. Because Hagrid is the most deserving, after all, even if these people can't come up with any good reason other than "he worked the hardest". At what? Digging a hole in the sand? Shut up, people. Ambore gives the audience a screw-you expression and leans down to give the Robfather, a little heavier but still hotter than coals in hell, a nice smooch. Probby says that Kathy's Jury question has just been answered. Actually, I suspect that Ambore is wearing that shirt precisely as a subtle middle finger to Kathy.
Probby asks the two about their chances at winning what he calls a "very personal season". Ambore thinks she can win, but it will be a close vote. Probby turns to the Robfather and points out that the Robfather dominated the entire season, physically and strategically. Does the Robfather think that he has a shot? The Robfather says that regardless of whether he wins the money, he feels that he has already won because he has the "most special girl" sitting next to him. He asks Probby whether he can tell Ambore something. The crowd screams in anticipation. Not this, I mutter.
Yes, it is this. "We came a long way in this crazy game," he tells her. (I hate myself for actually trying to pay close attention and transcribe every word.) "I've seen you at your highest high and your lowest low. And between it all, we worked together as a team to accomplish so much. It was really crazy, and in the end, I ended up falling in love with you. You're the most amazing person I've ever met in my entire life. And I want to spend the rest of my life with you." He gets down on one knee, reaches into his jeans pocket, and pulls out a small box. He looks at her and calls out her name. "I love you with all my heart. Will you marry me?" he asks.
The crowd bursts into cheers. Funny, they were booing those two only minutes earlier, those inconsistent fools. She half-laughs, half-sobs as she nods and offers her hand for him to place the ring on her finger. I don't care what people say, I think she's happy, especially from the way both their hands tremble as he places the ring on her finger. And then they kiss while their family members in the audience high-five (yes, high-five) and embrace each other. Hey, it's not everyday you get a $1,250,000 (before tax) windfall after all. This is better than Vegas!
The cynical part of me admires how the Robfather shamelessly steals the spotlight and makes sure that whether he wins or loses, he'd still be the highlight of the reunion come what may. If Ambore is as big as mediaho as he is, and I've no doubt that she is, they will both be having a good time milking the engagement angle in the press for the next week or so. The idealistic part of me melts inside when he breaks off the kiss and quietly asks her how she is feeling, in that half-laugh, half-concern way that comes off as really sincere. Really, while I don't care too much as to how long this relationship will last, I like this appropriately showy and romantic closure to the Robfather and Ambore show. I do wish them both the best.
Now, back to the show. Probby says that the Twist he has been hyping all week is not the Robfather proposing to Ambore. The crowd laughs. The Robfather tells him that he has the approval of both his and Ambore's parents to propose to her live on TV. Probby looks bemused and maybe a little wistful. Yes, Probby, I wish the Robfather is proposing to me too. But it's not so bad: you have Colby though, and I have... er, my husband. ("Hey!" protests hubby.) He says that they still have the vote to get through, and snipily says that Ambore is now a millionaire come what may. That's a rather politically incorrect thing to say, to assume that a woman automatically gets her husband's money but not the other way around, isn't it? Still, Probby is probably lashing out in jealousy so I'll give him a pass this time. Some woman - JennaLoo? - asks whether there would be prenups. I'm sure Burnetto will insist on one just as he insisted on separate bank accounts for those two.
He reads the votes. Oh, guess what, people? The All-Stars Sole Survivor, supposedly the best Survivor of them all, also known as The Person Who Is Not The Robfather Because He Beat Me And I Will Never Vote For Him Waaah Waah Waaaah award, is Ambore! It's a 4-3 victory. Yes, Ambore! Seriously, Ambore. I'm not joking, people. Do I look like I'm joking? Ambore is the All-Star Sole Survivor.
Still, all is good, as Ambore and the Robfather embrace and he whispers into her ear, "You win, baby!" exactly in that tone which a couple has made a wager and can laugh over the outcome regardless of who wins that wager. What makes this exchange more endearing though is that the microphone caught it despite the Robfather trying to make a private exchange with Ambore. So yes, while I have no illusions that they are playing to the cameras in the post-finale photoshoots, there are some genuine moments of tenderness between them. Like I've said earlier, I really wish them all, if only because they are the only couple on this season that actually play the game well.
Ambore runs into the audience to embrace her family and show her ring to Mommy whose first action is to grab her daughter's hand, heh. She then runs back up and kisses the Robfather one more time before the credits roll.
My thoughts? Ambore's victory is cheapened by the fact that other than the Shii Devil, every other person that voted for Ambore (Lex, Alicia, Tom) is not voting for her as much as they are voting against the Robfather. Normally I would agree that the Robfather's gameplan, while good, will only get him to second place were not for the fact that the people who voted for Ambore are on the whole screwed-up. I can respect the Shii Devil's reason for voting for Ambore as the winner because I can see where she is getting at when she calls Ambore cunning. Letting the Robfather play the bad cop role to Ambore's good cop is actually a brilliant form of parasitic gameplay.
But Tom votes for Ambore in a fit of self-righteous fury built on a lie. He is so keen on playing the wounded betrayed party even as he admits that he lied - wow, I really do not know how this man can still expect an apology from the Robfather. Alicia is just an unpleasant spoilsport whose head is stuffed up her behind so deep that she probably can't tell which way is up anymore, but Lex is positively, certifiably nuts. Lex is crazy. Even now he insists that what he did to Colby, Ethanol, and Jerri are different to what the Robfather did to him, when one can easily see that he is wrong just by watching the show. He never wanted to help the Robfather out of friendship alone - it was out of strategy as much as friendship. So for Lex and Tom to desperately cling to higher grounds while making their self-justifications more convoluted and contradictory is just crazy. These aren't angry people, these are seriously delusional losers.
So that's why I say the Robfather is robbed. He plays an amazing game. He keeps Cheapora in good spirits and is one of the main physical force behind its amazing run as the most successful tribe in Survivor history. His leading the building of the shelter results in one fine shelter that keeps the tribe morale high. He schemes and cheats like the best of them. He works hard - don't tell me that someone who leads a tribe so well can at the same time be a lazy buffoon, because that is ridiculous. He may not be as effective a schemer as Porno, but he is definitely one of the most charismatic Survivors to grace the show. Tough, strong, cunning, and oh yes, let's toss in sexy as hell to boot, he is robbed, plain and simple, by his fellow Survivors who allow their egos to warp their perspective.
So what do we all learn from All-Stars Survivor, other than a show with an acronym of ASS will most likely turn out to be less than impressive? Survivor is a show best played by strangers, when egos are still in their dormant stage. Which is why I suspect that Survivor Vanuatu: Islands of Fire will be a more enjoyable season. Hopefully the players will not let the Robfather's defeat and the ridiculous worship of Hagrid, one of the most inept Survivors ever who is yet inexplicably called "most deserving to win" by his fans, to discourage them from playing aggressively. Contrary to what idiots like Lex, Kathy, Hagrid, and Hagrid's fans insist, scheming, betrayals, and lies are integral to the show. I guess that's why Hagrid's popularity disheartens me - it is as if the majority of the viewers want this show to be Boot Camp instead of Survivor. Why are they watching this show then? Quit bitching about the high levels of dishonesty on this show if you don't like it! You're looking for the wrong things in the wrong show - go watch something else! And Burnetto to give Hagrid a million dollars feels like a betrayal of the very concept of Outwit, Outlast, Outplay. Hagrid did neither. He rails and rants and pretty much calls the very concept of Survivor worthy of his contempt, and his fans agree. And Burnetto validates their beliefs for a rating gimmick.
Anyway, what's done is done. I hope to see you guys again when this show sends more famehos down the valcanos of Vanuatu. I'll also be recapping episodes of The Amazing Race come this July, so if you're into that too, well, I hope to see you sooner.
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