American Idol: Episode 2
The show opens with a quick montage of scenes that show the wannabes arriving in Hollywood for their next stage of the audition process. Okay, it's actually Pasadena rather than Hollywood, but I suppose "You're going to Pasadena!" doesn't have the same ring as "You're going to Hollywood!" A bunch of ladies walk side by side and announce that they are all stars so America will have to pick more than one winner. King Tut is seen addressing a room full of wannabes, with him telling them that one of them would soon be the "most famous person in America - the American Idol". America is like, "Hey, did anyone actually ask me first? Stop assuming what I will like or don't, okay?" Sleazie and Dunkie voice over that these wannabes will spend the next three days with "new challenges" in the "new hunt" for the next American Idol. With that, credits.
Day one. Among a montage of wannabes singing and warming up for their upcoming auditions, Ryan Sleazebag and Brian Dunkedvermin point out that they are all at the Pasadena Civic Center. For today, the wannabes will sing before the judges, who will then send home roughly half of them by the end of the day. They do this in batches of ten, leading Dunkie to call the process "the chorus line from hell".
Among the first to be cut is Jacquette Williams. Hah, see? I predicted that this would happen to the big-sized ladies like Jacquette and Karma in the recap of the last episode and I'm right. Her version of Aretha Franklin's Respect doesn't impress King Tut, who thinks that the record-buying folks around the world don't coddle up to a big-sized woman. Randy Randy and Miss Paula, clearly into the utopian model of the recording industry with Miss Paula conveniently forgetting those days when she received so much flak for looking "fat" in the video of The Promise Of A New Day, insist otherwise. Randy Randy says that Aretha Franklin isn't thin and King Tut correctly points out that Aretha wouldn't win if she enters the competition. It's telling how at this early stage that King Tut is aware of how the whole popularity contest that is this show works while the other two judges want to pretend that the music business is all about diversity and fair opportunities for everyone and anyone. Jacquette playfully sasses King Tut outside the theater but her road to fame ends there and then.
Elias Guajardo has outlived his use as a performing monkey so he gets booted too. Good riddance.
On the other hand, Jim Verraros is predictably teary-eyed as he makes it through to the next round. Among the montage of folks who make it through, I recognize AJ Gil, RJ Helton, and Kelli Glover. Sleazie is seen dancing like an idiot with "Group Ten" - all of them apparently made it through - which of course racks him points with his overlords as he demonstrates a willingness to go all the way in being stupid, unlike Dunkie.
At about midnight - 11:58 pm according to the show - the judges get those who have not been culled from the herd to gather on stage again because they have an assignment for these wannabes. The wannabes will be split into groups and made to learn a specific song. The reason for this, Sleazie and Dunkie say, is because in real life artists often have to learn a new song in a very short time and this challenge will therefore test the wannabes' abilities to perform under duress. A sleepy-looking pianist named Lionel is around to play the piano and let the wannabes figure out the melody and correct pitch for the songs. The ladies are in one group and their song is Dionne Warwick's I Say A Little Prayer while the guys have to perform Stevie Wonder's For Once In My Life.
By 1:00 am, the ladies are off here and there practising on their own. The guys on the other hand decide to keep things off until the next day. Jim Verraros for some reason gets a segment where he talk into the camcorder for his deaf parents about how the next day they are all going to perform their songs in groups of three. I'd assume that he is shoving his lips right at the camera so that those deaf parents of his can read them. It's not like he's deliberately trying to gross me out, I'm sure. Don't ask me why he can't just sign away to his parents. Or write them a letter.
Day two, 9:00 am. The wannabes lifelessly wait for their turn to perform in the theater. Sleazie and Dunkie voice over that there are 65 of them left at the moment but at the end of the day, only 45 will get to stay.
First up, the Popstars rejects Tenia and Alexandria along with some lady named Jennifer Rodriguez. Jennifer sings like she's still asleep. Tenia is okay, but Alexandria is horrendous. Of the three, Jennifer is sent home. Tenia and Alexandria do a happy dance that is so obnoxious to watch because they are clearly desperate for the cameras to be on them.
Then comes the montage of wannabes painfully forgetting their lyrics in the midst of performances. Randy Randy reprimands them sternly. For some reason, this leads to Miss Paula and her father reminiscing with Dunkie and Sleazie about how she used to have similarly bad auditions. Given that Miss Paula's career didn't really take off, I wonder what the show is trying to tell me here. Sing badly at auditions and you'll become an addled punchline on American Idol?
It's Jim's turn to perform with his two buddies. Say, do you know that Jim has deaf parents? No? Let the show remind you of that again! Jim has forgotten his words too, but unlike some other wannabes who just clam up and bring the performance to a screeching halt, he decides to substitute the words he has forgotten with his own "take", so to speak. When called on their awfulness, Jim realizes that his time on TV may come to an end soon so he grovels to the judges, saying that they know they are awful but really, all they wanted to do was to, er, do their best. At any rate, Jim's two unidentified fellow performing monkeys are cut while Jim gets to move on. Jim fakes tears in his eyes and runs out to thank King Tut to the camera.
After two more segments on wannabes forgetting their words - with one fellow amusingly singing "But I've forgotten the words, baby!" over those words that he has forgotten - it's time to meet Josh Crumpton. He tells the camera that he's not worried about what will happen because he's convinced that he already has a record deal. Really? With Delusional Records? At any rate, he fumbles badly during his turn in the group performance by forgetting his words. When the performance is over, King Tut calls him on his fumbling, which leads to Josh saying that he is happy with his performance, especially considering what he is given to work with. It's only a Stevie Wonder song, how insulting! King Tut points out that the other two on stage with Josh are given the same material and I suppose did better than Josh. Josh says that they are not him. Is he trying to say that they are not him - they are better than him? Josh gets into a defensive mode all the way right to his predictable boot, complaining to the camera that King Tut never gave him any "positive attitude". He also insists that he will have a record deal, he will be on TV, and he will go platinum.
4:20 pm. The wannabes hear that the judges are "pissed" and they are therefore even more nervous while waiting for their turn to perform. The show then focuses on the one all-male group that has four wannabes due to the fact that there is an odd number of wannabes around. RJ Helton is in this group but the focus is on Khaleef Chiles who tells the camera that come the next round, he'll ditch these guys and work ten times harder. He says this in front of his three group mates, mind you. When he leaves, the other three happily start complaining to the camera about Khaleef. Apparently Khaleef didn't bother showing up for practice the next before. When they get to perform, Khaleef does so in this horrible falsetto. Why is it that the more arrogant they are about their abilities, the more terrible they turn out to be? He gets through with the other three nonetheless and now they are all friends again. Boys can be so strange, I tell you.
Natalie Burge is supposed to be 16, but looking at her, I'd say she's 25 at the very least. She's not fooling anyone. She's determined to stand out during her group performance so she incorporates her come-ons to King Tut into her performance. She gets to go through because anyone that desperate to be famous will be willing to do... other things... to be famous.
Max Lev gets the spotlight next. It is revealed that he performed If I Were A Rich Man from the musical Fiddler On The Roof which earned him the dislike of Randy Randy. He tells the camera that Randy Randy thinks that he's some kind of "Broadway diva" and admits that he is one, so there. His group buddy, Jules Sanchez, has been told during his initial audition that he needed to work on his look. He reveals to the camera that he has since waxed his eyebrows. Oh, Jules, I don't think that is what they are talking about. He should have asked someone with at least some fashion sense to pick his clothes because he looks like a color-blind pimp in his current outfit. At any rate, he sings in a flat, breathy, and off-key manner. He, Max, and the unidentified third person are all sent home. Max mugs for the camera in his last few seconds of fame.
Sleazie and Dunkie point out the day is finally getting better, which leads to a montage of people being told that they are moving on to the next round. This brings us to the last group, an all-female group of four that include Trinity Manning. You know, the one who brought the photo of her dead daddy into her audition so that people would ask her about it? At any rate, she hasn't brought the photo this time - she has no pockets to put it in, apparently - so she ends up bleating like a sheep with sore throat and being the only one booted from her group. She tearfully tells the camera that she has realized that her "place" is in the "church". The world breathes a sigh of relief at her epiphany.
9:07 pm. Because we can never have too little manufactured drama on this show, the losers are brought back to stage one last time so that they can vent and rant at the judges. Jules bites the bait and makes a fool of himself telling an utterly bored King Tut about broken hearts, stomped souls, and "degregaded" people. He even tries to shame Miss Paula by asking her whether she thinks she will make it through this competition. Miss Paula points out that she has been rejected many times. Jules then tells Randy Randy that he will work out at the gym with Randy Randy. At this point, everyone else on stage flees because they realize that they do not want to be seen on the same stage with this insane loser on TV. Randy Randy points out that he's not the one wanting to be a superstar here and singles out the awful jacket that Jules is wearing. Jules insists that everyone is a superstar in their hearts - oh please, and Randy Randy tries to say that Jules is cut because he isn't good enough. Jules protests but King Tut puts an end to the whole nonsense by saying that Jules is cut because he's a loser. Simple as that, really. With that, all the losers are dismissed.
Randy Randy and King Tut have this really staged scene where they are in a convertible discussing the judging of the show. This scene is brought to you by Ford.
Day three. Sleazie and Dunkie point out that of the remaining 45 wannabes, 30 will be chosen to participate in the semifinals where folks will begin calling in to vote for their favorites. Oh, look, Jim must think that he's Mark from the musical Rent as he goes around taping the antics of other wannabes. For some reason, this show really likes him as they are giving him ample screentime. A reward for all that sob story he happily gives them in return, I suspect.
What happens next is that without warning, the wannabes are herded into the theater where they will offer "moral support" (read: secret wishes that the person on stage will flop badly) as each of them take the stage to perform a full song for the judges. Tamyra Grey takes the stage first with Oleta Adams' Get Here in exactly the dramatic manner that you'd imagine. Khaleef performs the Monkees' Daydream Believer in an awful breathy manner to the audience, singling out Kelli. Dunkie asks Khaleef what "possessed" him to jump off the stage to "sing to the ladies". I'd say that Khaleef is just trying too hard to be a smooth and slick playa.
Next are a bunch of people who perform Unchained Melody: Ashanti Johnson, Brad Estrin, Nikki Ozment, and a couple of unidentified folks. This montage then bizarrely morphs into Akelee Relliford's forgetting the words to Vanessa Williams' Save The Best For Last, causing the others to sing/prompt the correct words to her. She tells the camera that she just "blanked" on the words because she was "too happy" on stage. Yes, I've heard that one before.
Oh gross, we're back to the Popstars reject ghoul sisters. Alexandra's version of All-4-One's I Swear is horrible while Tenia's Ain't No Mountain High Enough is just as bad. These two are seen discussing what they should wear for their performances. Judging from what they have worn so far on the show, I suspect that all the clothes they have can be packed into a single luggage case, given how skimpy each item of clothing is. Jim then hams it up with his performance of Ain't No Mountain High Enough followed by a few other wannabes who also perform that same song. Then it's on to a montage of performers singing Bill Withers' Ain't No Sunshine (this includes Christina Christian and Ryan Starr AKA the former Tiffany Montgomery). Then it's on to Alexis Lopez, the youngest of them all at 17, who performs Christina Aguilera's Genie In A Bottle. Justin Guarini is the last person to take the stage, bringing down the roof with Get Here. I personally find his performance too affected for my taste, but Miss Paula looks like she has just discovered religion while everyone else claps and wails for Justin.
The judges now retreat to a private room to discuss who will move on and who will get the cut. Dunkie and Sleazie try so hard to be funny by pretending to bribe the guards and such in order to get inside that room. At any rate, Justin is picked to move on, to nobody's surprise, as is Kelli. Tamyra didn't do well the day before but the judges are moving her on. Kristin Holt is filed under the "maybe" list although King Tut can't remember who she is. The other two judges remind him that she's the one who tripped and fell, which leads to the flashback clip of the scene in question. Heh, I can never tire of watching that one.
The judges then group the top fifteen - of which Tenia is one of them, yucks - and tell them that they are moving on to the semifinals. They then go back to their room and deliberate some more. The show attempts to convince me that the process is long and grueling. Basically, the remaining 30 wannabes will be split into two groups of 15. One group will move on, one will go home. The group that moves on unfortunately include Alexandra, eeeuw. At any rate, that's it then. 30 people are chosen and it's now on to the semifinals.
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