Fresh from its success in the UK, Pop Idol makes its way to the USA where it is repackaged and rebranded as American Idol. Do you think the show would last? The concept is simple: the judges pick a bunch of hopeful young folks who dream of the American life of groupies, bling-blings, drugs, and constant adoration, only this time they only have to please the viewing audience who will call in and vote for them. No playing the casting couch for creepy old men at recording companies - all you have to do is to pander to little girls and church-going housewives via the TV screen! But before we get to the housewife and schoolgirl porn that is the finals, we have to endure through the selection process first. So, folks, let's see what this show is all about, shall we?

Let there be light. The darkness is banished as two cones of light illuminate two men dressed in suit. They introduce themselves as Brian Dunkedvermin - that's the one who looks like a dweeb and speaks in a rather high-pitched nerdy voice - and Ryan Sleazebag - the guy who speaks like that radio DJ that he is and has his hair done in a somewhat spiked-up manner. They point out that they are standing on the stage in the Kodak Theatre like the angels of music that they are, and Sleazie points out that this place is not only the venue for the annual Academy Awards, it is also the most televised theater ever. They also talk about how all of us will be watching the rise of a superstar - ho, ho, ho - thanks of course to our discriminate tastes in music. This is, of course, before the folks survey the audience of this show and realize that most of the folks watching this show haven't listened to any radio that isn't an oldie station in at least ten years.

Seriously, Sleazie's cheekbones are really distracting here. They are so sharp, one can grate cheese on those things.

Credits. Let me describe the credit sequence since this is, after all, the very first episode of the first season of this show. The American Idol logo looks like it is done in a cheap graphic program and the logo pans away to reveal this metallic-blue male silhouette that prances around as guitars and musical notes and lights shoot out from his crotch. No, really, I'm not joking. The fellow then grows breasts and walks around, turning into a female right before our very eyes as airplanes and streaks of light fly past him. No, I am not joking. I think this whole credit sequence is a subtle metaphor for the rape of verdant talents on this show. The metallic guy-girl then turns into a guy again as he thrusts and gyrates his pelvis right before the American Idol phrase. End of credit sequence.

Hollywood! Dunkie and Sleazie walks in from opposite directions to stand side by side as the Hollywood sign can be seen prominently in the background. Dunkie says once again that this show is looking for the "next superstar". Ronald McDonald is a superstar too, is that what he is talking about? Cut to the finale of the first season of Pop Idol, which was won by Will Young - a winner that I actually like, surprisingly - who then proceeded to record horrible cover versions of songs last heard played only on the gramophone of one's elderly grandmother. Still under the delusion that the folks watching this show care about what happened in the UK, Sleazie voices over that "we" hope that the winner of this season will be as successful as Will Young. Which doesn't mean anything at that point, unless by "successful" he is talking about recording hideous cover versions of The Long And Winding Road that will see grandfathers and grandmothers dashing down from buses specially chartered by their nursing homes to fight with each other over the last copy of the CD single. I won't wish that fate even on my worst enemy... no, wait, I absolutely would! Go ahead, Sleazie - you were saying...?

This is the bad audition episode - yes, only one audition episode, which is such a change from the thirty episodes of such nature in subsequent seasons, eh? - and will therefore be a montage of the best and the worst of the auditions that took place in seven cities and saw "over 10,000 hopefuls". Dunkie adds that we can all be assured that there is "no voice unheard, no tune unsung, and no eardrum un-rung". Dunkie clearly writes poems on his LiveJournal in his free time. Cue a very blonde girl warbling out Bryan Adams' Heaven. Perhaps it is best that not all voices are heard as the show then moves to a pretty cute white guy with nice big arm muscles who unfortunately thinks he's an MTV Black Rapper Gangsta shouts out R Kelly's Rise Up.

Now Dunkie and Sleazie introduce the judges. Dramatic music plays as the camera haphazardly zooms in onto the room where the three judges sit on the table in the audition room. Randy Randy ("record producer") sits there and looks solemnly towards the camera. He must be miffed that Mariah Carey still refuses to answer his text messages. Charmaine Miss Paula ("singer/dancer/choreographer") looks to the camera and thinks hopefully that the subsequent success of this show will bring in lots of money so that she will never have to be sober or lucid ever again. Then there is King Tut who is also a "record producer". He looks sternly at the camera, daring people to call him on his crap and knowing full well that many folks won't be able to look past his accent to even come close to doing that.

And now, some pointless babble from the three stooges as they tell everyone what they are looking for in their next superstar. Randy Randy says something about "unique" style, "unique" voice, and "phenomenal" talent. He's as succinct as usual. Miss Paula babbles about how she is an "artist" and therefore she will have "an absolutely different perspective" from the other two. I think she's trying to warn everyone that her forced period of sobriety is about to come to an end so we have all better hide the lampshades. King Tut turns the topic into all about him, saying that he's hot and he knows how to make superstars out of desperate young kids offering to trade their real or pretended virginities for fame and success and how he will no doubt shock all of us with his "honest" opinions. As a montage of wannabes in tears follow, King Tut warns that they will not spare the wannabes in any way. He promises that we will watch "the audition from hell".

In other words, Randy Randy is hoping to find some semblance of relevancy via this show, Miss Paula just wants to pay off her drug dealers, and King Tut is here because he is employed by the man who created this show to play the villain and he takes a big cut out of the revenues in this show. Dunkie and Sleazie no doubt also hope that this show will bring them fame and glory, just like the thousands of wannabes lining up to audition for this show. The big question is, what am I hoping to find on this show? I'm not sure, but I suspect that I am about to find out.

Dunkie and Sleazie walk along a street in - Miami, I believe - and explain that of the 10,000 who showed up to humiliate themselves, the judges will pick 100 to move on to the workshop, and from there, 30 will be picked to move on to the semifinal rounds. Only then will America get to pick their poison. "Be gentle," Dunkie implores America.

First stop, LA, the land of what seems like misguided kids wearing ugly shades. Some scary woman named Stefanie Sugarman looks like someone's mother who has stolen her thirteen-year old daughter's clothes to dance on TV like a creepy desperate waitress pretending to be a stripper. Which is probably what she is. Anyway, she apologizes to her boss because she called in sick just to attend this show. No doubt her boss is at that moment trying to figure out a way to pretend that she has never worked for that person. Steven Ware, only 17, describes himself as a person with "deep appreciation" for music and proceeds to prove it by butchering the Temptations' My Girl. While he's "singing", he's doing this weird series of hand gestures, as if he's milking an invisible cow. King Tut tells him that he is "seriously terrible". Steven tries to continue singing - or muttering, in this case - as Randy Randy agrees with King Tut that the singing is "really bad" and calls Steven "tone deaf". Steven suggests that he can perhaps sing something that he has composed on his own. The judges won't have any of that, naturally.

Three people scream their way through their performances, the last a big-sized woman butchering My Guy until Randy Randy and King Tut laugh because they will cry otherwise. The poor woman says that surely she wasn't that funny. Dunkie and Sleazie say that the wannabes in the hall are nervous because many people are being turned away.

Then there is 19-year old Tiffany Montgomery. I don't what happened to her blouse because her stomach is completely bare. Maybe she chewed the cloth off while nervously waiting for her turn. The front of her pants is designed in such a way that you will be led to think that the front had been ripped off too to expose what seems like the top of her red panties. Classy. Tiffany warbles her way through Ben E King's Lean On Me in the first halfway decent performance of this episode. Sleazie is seen lying on the floor trying to peek at Tiffany through the curtains. Ah! So he must have been the person who tore Tiffany's blouse. He's now waiting to pounce on her as she leaves! I wonder why. Dunkie helpfully points at Sleazie's rear end. I still don't get what he is trying to tell me, honestly, because "Sleazie's rear end" and "Tiffany's bare stomach" don't seem to fit together in any context. Unless Tiffany had stolen Sleazie's discount vouchers to his favorite liposuction clinic once upon a time and Sleazie now wants revenge, that is. King Tut thinks that Tiffany was fantastic, if nervous, and thinks that she should move on. Randy Randy agrees and Miss Paula babbles that she believes in Tiffany. Tiffany leaves the room and Sleazie is about to pounce when he remembers that the cameras are on them. He and Dunkie pretend to be interested in how Tiffany is feeling as she babbles about how she was so afraid that she would be "eaten alive". Hmm, is it possible that Tiffany is actually auditioning for the role of "singing girl who gets her clothes ripped off by a werewolf before being eaten by that creature" in a horror movie and has stumbled upon this show instead by mistake?

Alexis Lopez is next. She's 17 and actually looks her age in a rather generic "sweet and pretty cheerleader" manner. Her version of Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive is quite generic too but she gets to move on. I suspect that it's because of the way she looks rather than the way she sings. That will be fine, of course, if we overlook the fact that the people voting on this show don't like pretty young girls that much, at least not as much as weird-looking white guys with questionable singing abilities.

Just when King Tut thinks that the "standards" have gone up, 18-year old Cassandra Marine waddles in and whines her way through Patti LaBelle's Lady Marmalade. Fortunately, she goes only as far as "gitchi gitchi ya ya da da, mocca chocolata ya ya" so that she will not be subjected to the "No way, fatty!" punchline should she ever get as far as "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?" Randy Randy suggests singing lessons but King Tut disagrees, saying that Cassandra has no talent that can be honed by lessons. Cassandra leaves the room in tears. She sobs for a few seconds on Dunkie's shoulders before saying that she's not going to listen to King Tut but instead she will keep trying to improve. Oh, darling, show business is harsh. It is not fair. Call me cynical, but I suspect that if Cassandra loses weight and gives herself a makeover so that she looks like, say, Alexis Lopez, she'll make it farther down the road than any singing lessons or hard work can get her.

Stefanie, whom Sleazie voices over as the "energetic dancer" that we saw dancing like an electrocuted stripper Barbie doll earlier, is next. She's 23 and she "markets cheese". The jokes just write themselves as she launches into her version of H-Town's Knockin' Da Boots. I don't know what she is thinking because she isn't singing as much as she's shouting and making pointy-pointy hand gestures. Miss Paula thinks that Stefanie is "energetic", and I bet she uses that word because it's kinder and more politically correct than "epileptic". Randy Randy calls Stefanie a terrible singer and Stefanie calls him a liar. King Tut says that Stefanie's boss can expect her back at work on Monday. All three judges send her on her way.

Dunkie introduces a montage of Sleazie telling off wannabes - you get one out of ten, leave the singing business, et cetera. My favorite is the last one, where he calls a sad-faced puppy of a bloke deaf when this guy says that he can imagine himself as the next American Idol. Dunkie also says that while some wannabes take rejection well (practice makes perfect?), others don't. This is an unfortunate cue to go back to Stefanie, who thinks she's funny when she reenters the audition room. King Tut cracks whether she's her twin as Stefanie launches into another version of the same song. She sounds decent in the first two lines, but then she starts camping up her performance with all those frantic hand antics. This whole thing is so staged, I tell you. She's sent packing after sending Miss Paula into a fit of laughter. She still insists that she's the whole package and she's going to Hollywood, everyone just wait and see. Oh, whatever.

Very blonde Mary Iocanelli oversings Unchained Melody, complete with dramatic strokes of her face and Jessica Simpson-like self caresses. Randy Randy tells her that she had sung the song so out of tune that he can't even recognize the song. He's exaggerating, really. Mary comes back with a speech. She says, "Listen sweetheart, I don't really care about your opinion. I really could care less because I'm twenty-two years old and I'm beautiful and I can sing, so I really don't care what you think. And I'm gonna be a star, and you have my number. And if you change your mind, give me a call. Ciao!" This one feels staged as well.

Next is the glorious Tameka Bush. Her version of Whitney Houston's The Greatest Love Of All - at least, the two lines that I hear - is pretty boring. Randy Randy gently says that he doesn't think that Tameka is a solo singer. "I'm sorry?" snaps Tameka. As Randy Randy explains, she gives a derisive snort of laughter and says that she's sure she sang better than all three of them. She then launches into a rant about how the three judges only know how to stand there and judge her. I think she is projecting some of her previous anger at previous judges onto those three, heh. Sleazie peeks through the curtains because he is always attracted to drama as Dunkie rolls up his eyes at the camera. King Tut tries to stop Tameka by calling her name repeatedly, only he says it as "Tam-i-ka". This earns him the wrath of Tameka as she tells him that her name is "Tah-mee-ka". King Tut tells her to go to an audition when they will "lie" to her as she continues to sputter and rant. To the camera, she says that "the British judge is an ass" and he can... here, she takes a pause before saying that King Tut can kiss her "natural-born Black ass" for all she cares. This earns her an unfunny segment of Sleazie calling her "Tam-i-ka" and Dunkie correcting Sleazie. Ouch, that is quite a punishment.

Dunkie and Sleazie then explain that 31 wannabes from LA went through "to Hollywood". Sleazie adds that "sadly" Tamika isn't one of the 31. This is a cue for more of Tamika's ranting to the camera as she calls Randy Randy a big fat bleeped expletive and claims that Miss Paula is jealous of her. Honey, we are all jealous of Tamika. Who else can carry such a heavy chip on her shoulder at such a young age?

From LA, we now move to Seattle, where apparently everyone has some part of his or her body pierced. After featuring a clip of a guy singing Patsy Cline's Crazy in complete monotone, the show introduces Tara McCormick, 21, who claims that she's placed on earth to inspire people with her voice. Oh? To inspire them to flee for their lives, perhaps? She performs Unchained Melody, which has somehow become a freak anthem on this show when I am not paying too much attention to things, complete with off-putting vocal affectations and creepy hip-wiggling. The hip-wiggling makes it seem as if she's heavily constipated and she's singing in order to let it all out easy, if you know what I mean. She is predictably sent packing and cries to the camera because she insists that she usually sings better than she did.

Karma Johnson, 24, walks in and does an acceptable rendition of Bette Midler's Wind Beneath My Wings, but King Tut and Miss Paula have an issue with her image. I don't think King Tut is saying that she's fat, at least not specifically. The way I see it, Karma is really in need of a makeover because she really doesn't look like a pop star. She looks like a clerk or something at that moment. Randy Randy says that image doesn't matter when it comes to being a star, which is something that is nice to believe in but doesn't work in real life. Randy Randy turns this into a big case about how image doesn't matter when it comes to music and the three judges all applaud her because by doing so, they are also applauding their own magnanimity in pretending to give Karma a chance at winning this thing. Karma tells the camera that people really shouldn't judge people by how they look. Well, they shouldn't, but we are talking about pop music here, so I hope Karma enjoys her stay on the show. I don't think it will be a long one.

I have no idea what Levi Blue is "singing" as his performance is devoid of any semblance of tune. He is also writhing and touching himself as if he's auditioning for a strip act or something. He ends the horrible performance by saying that he wants to be someone's "product" - eeeuw - and he hopes that they can "recreate" him. I suppose the recreation process can begin by giving him a better brain. At any rate, King Tut says that he has a pen, not a magic wand, so he can't recreate something from nothing (which is to say, he thinks Levi has no talent). Levi pretends to cry but he's actually laughing behind his hands. Oh, he's so, so staged.

Sleazie voices over that at least Levi remembers the words to his song. Cue a clip of a bunch of folks forgetting their words and flubbing their performances as a result. Dan Connor "ironically" (as King Tut puts it) forgets the second line in Don McLean's American Pie - "I can still remember". He looks kinda cute, though. Did he get through?

Meet AJ Gil. He looks like one of those affable guys who believe that spiking up their hair and wearing a gallon of ink around their eyes will make them more memorable. Seriously, he is cute underneath all that make up. He is also the first person on this show to use the ever-popular "pimp out my parents" angle to reel in support as he tells the camera that really, he wants to be rich and famous just to give his mother a better life. Awww, how can you not love such a sweet guy? Let's give him some drugs and groupies and a record deal! AJ performs a pretty overwrought version of The Star-Spangled Banner, forgetting that he isn't at the voting stage yet so there is no need to embarrass himself this much with so much blatant pandering to the audience. Oh, he's going to Hollywood. Of course. He gets a big hug from Sleazie when he leaves the room and shakes Dunkie's hand. AJ sheds happy tears and says the necessary sappy stuff before running home, logging on to his MySpace account, and putting in big red fonts that he is really heterosexual.

Trinity Manning has a better plan of attack than AJ. She brings into the audition room a photo of her late father and makes sure that everyone sees it so that King Tut can ask her to explain what it is to the camera. She loves her late daddy and his photo is her inspiration, whee! Well, I hate to say this but clearly she needs more than her late daddy in this case as her version of the Carpenters' For All We Know is shaky and hesitant. Maybe she should lug in another dead family member's ashes on her back. King Tut says that he's letting her move on due to her voice. Miss Paula babbles about Trinity needing confidence. At any rate, Trinity is moving on. A predictably tearful Trinity flogs the dead daddy issue once more to Dunkie and Sleazie when she leaves the room.

Dunkie and Sleazie point out that ten wannabes from Seattle are moving on to Hollywood.

Next up, Chicago. Cue a clip of one Sheila White, the Fox traffic reporter, reporting that the lines of wannabes are forming for the "new show" called American Idol. Sleazie says that the show has made the morning news so clearly, this show is a "big deal". Fox News makes a report promoting a Fox Network show to its audience - now that is a surprise indeed.

Amanda Armenta speaks crazy and she has wild insane eyes, so it's no surprise that her performance of Tina Turner's Proud Mary is equally mad and frantic. She seems to be merely playing for the camera and is not serious about being on the show so off she goes without a fuss. Ryan Farrar who shouts his way through Queen's Bohemian Rhapsody as if he's a Russian tank out to mow down the peasants who have gathered to revolt. The judges play along mocking his affected dramatics, yelling and dancing along, while Sleazie looks from where he is kneeling to peer through the keyhole and says to the camera, "Oh! My! God!" Dunkie looks mildly embarrassed, although who he feels embarrassed for is anybody's guess. The show never reveals whether Ryan gets through or not, though.

Jacquette Williams performs Céline Dion's Because You Love Me in her big voice pretty well. King Tut asks her whether she expects to get through. She hesitates and admits that she doesn't because she knows that she's a big-sized gal. However, King Tut says that he's sending her through along with the blessings of the other two judges so a happy Jacquette runs out of the door to hug Sleazie. At this point, it is pretty clear that Sleazie is the host who is more easy and free with the hugs while Dunkie often stands behind looking mildly embarrassed to be on the show, heh.

Next up is a very scary Jennifer Amaro who is supposed to be 16 but looks like the Cryptkeeper's bride with all that eyeliner warbles her way horrifyingly through Christina Aguilera's Genie In A Bottle. King Tut says that she is extraordinary. She falls for that line hook, line, and sinker by thanking him before he reveals the punchline - he thinks that she is extraordinary in a terrible way. Oops, the poor dear never saw that one coming so she's most flabbergasted.

Oh look, here's Jim Verraros. He's pretty cute in a "the nerd in those teen comedies where you just know that he'll be the hot guy the heroine will fall in love with once she removes his glasses" way, but he's pretty off-putting by beating AJ Gil to the Pimp My Parents punch. Both his parents are deaf, you know, so aww, if only they can hear wee Jim sing! So, as Jim sings his way through the often-covered When I Fall In Love, he also signs his way through it. I suppose some will find his antics heartfelt and touching, but I find him pretty gross in how manipulative he is trying to be. He's not that bad in his singing, but he's not that interesting at it either. Perhaps he does need all that manipulative crap to help him as much as possible. Jim is going to Hollywood, of course. He worked hard to come up with such a human angle story for the show, after all. He runs out and jumps into Sleazie's arms. Dunkie is nowhere to be seen. Puking into a toilet bowl, perhaps, after he has seen what Sleazie keeps in his wardrobe.

Alexander Torres looks like an alien but he sleazes his way through Lionel Richie's Three Times A Lady right into Miss Paula's heart so he's going through as well. He's so creepy, he's like Jim Verraros and AJ Gil and a van full of mummified dead relatives all rolled into one.

Oh, it's time for some drama now. Mark Scott, who looks like a cross between Zach Braff and a truck accident, is what Miss Paula calls the best Michael Jackson impersonator that she has ever seen. She and Randy Randy want to put him through to Hollywood while King Tut is convinced that Mark is a waste of everyone's time. This leads to Mark going through to Hollywood anyway despite King Tut's reservations so Mark runs out and humps two women, which I hear is a good way to tell the difference between him and Michael Jackson in a dark room, except for the fact that Michael Jackson's skin is also said to glow in the dark. Anyway, Miss Paula and an unrepentant King Tut then have this staged argument about how mean he is. This whole scene is a waste of time because Mark is never shown singing so I have no idea how good he is or isn't.

And with that, Dunkie and Sleazie reveal that 23 wannabes from Chicago have moved on and Ryan Farrar is shown among those who had the golden ticket so yes, the judges really do like them that much. I don't get it.

We move on to New York. Dude, Dunkie really looks more and more miserable as the episode goes on. What is going on here, dude? Sleazie, clearly the one willing to be all-out cheesy in order to be famous, grabs hold of a bearded fellow as he and Dunkie stand in Times Square in order to ask that fellow whether he thinks he can be the next American Idol. The bearded old coot says that he knows he doesn't have what it takes and Dunkie thanks him for his honesty as the man flees for his life. Dunkie wonders whether the wannabes will be as honest about their shortcomings as the old coot was.

Well, let's ask 20-year old Derek Stillings who looks like a leprechaun that has just left the gym. He is also so skinny that he's pretty much a bag of bones. Perhaps he speaks in that lifeless monotone of his because he's so hungry? At any rate, the judges are already snickering as he speaks so they know he's going to be another performing monkey for the bad auditions episode. Miss Paula asks Derek to sing whatever he likes so Derek obliges by performing... hmm, come to think of it, I have no idea what he is singing. The way he goes through the choreography and the way he sings to the floor throughout the performance however suggest to me that poor Derek has no doubt practiced this routine many times in the privacy of his bedroom. King Tut calls Derek the worst singer in America and Derek points out that this is his first ever audition. Not that King Tut is surprised by that revelation, really. Derek doesn't seem like the type of fellow who goes to many auditions in his life, after all. King Tut tells Derek that this particular audition is his last and sends him on his way. Derek mumbles to the camera afterwards that he thinks that "probably" he has cold feet or something. Yeah, probably.

Rose Thoma, 19, looks pretty but her version of Alicia Keys' Fallin' is so off-key that it seems as if she has inhaled something that she shouldn't prior to performing. She seems shocked when King Tut says that her performance was "horrendous with a capital H" because she believes that she did great. Rose insists that she made crowds go wild in her concerts. Honey, they were wild because they were trampling each other to death running for the exit. Randy Randy says that she never had a single note right and she insists that she wasn't trying to hit the right notes. Really! At any rate, Rose gets the door and she complains about the judges' superior attitude to Dunkie and Sleazie.

More fun auditions follow as Amanda Riemensedya butchers Christina Aguilera's All I Want Is You. King Tut says that she had invented notes in that audition that were never heard before in music. Elias Guajardo comes in heavy overcoat and starts throwing off his outer clothing as he launches into Britney Spears' Oops!... I Did It Again in such a heavy accent. He reveals that he is wearing a T-shirt with pictures of the judges pasted on the back and front, causing the three stooges to laugh and send him to Hollywood. I suppose they need to meet the set quota of wannabes in the workshop somehow... Plus, anyone that desperate to move on will come useful, such as when King Tut needs some fool to run down to the nearest 7-11 at three in the morning to get him a pack of Marlboros. Elias runs out to pretend to faint into Sleazie's arms. Sleazie is getting paid to touch people inappropriately, damn it, and I envy him. Call me psychic, but I suspect that Elias will be kicked out at the next opportunity once his shelf life as a performing monkey on this show has run its course.

Some good performances follow. Kelli Glover, 19, belts powerfully I Will Always Love You. She goes through, predictably, with Miss Paula warning Kelli that she becomes nasal when she hits the high notes. King Tut thinks that Kelli has the "X-factor - the capital X". A skinny guy with big hair, Justin Guarini, makes creepy sex-me-up eyes as he croons his way through Smokey Robinson's Who's Lovin' You. Are those cheekbones real? Watching Justin makes my skin crawl because he is so, so, so affected that he becomes so corny as a result.

And with that, Dunkie voices over that 25 wannabes from New York made it through to the next round. We see Elias using a microphone to shout at losers who didn't make it through that it is more important to be happy than anything else. These losers will no doubt go home to slit their wrists while leaving notes penned in blood that the world is a cold and dark place when Elias can get through while they can't. Abetted by Dunkie and Sleazie, Derek Stillings is seen singing to some poor passers-by on the street outside the hotel only to be told by these folks that the judges were right and Derek can't sing. But at least Derek is happy, right, Elias?

Now it's time to head over to Atlanta. Why Atlanta? It's the home of the Braves... the Olympics... and Coca-Cola. Yay for more opportunities to mention Coke! First up is Jamar Simmons, 21, who performs Donny Hathaway's I Love You More Than You'll Ever Know well enough to be sent through. Sleazie points out that the first audition of the day turns out to be also the first successful one. Is this a good sign for things to come? Next up is RJ Helton who really should stop asking drag queens to do his make-up for him. He chooses to perform the Jackson 5's Never Can Say Goodbye. Personally my favorite version of that song will always be the Communards' - love Jimmy Somerville's vocals on that one. Back to RJ, the judges love his performance enough to send him through. John Manly, 21, comes up to perform Garth Brooks' The Dance and while Miss Paula says that he's "different" (I suspect that she's trying to say that he's probably too country for what they think they are looking for), the judges send him through as well. Sleazie calls up John's mother so that John can speak to her but the call gets disconnected. Boy, Sleazie must be really behind when it comes to paying his bills. Poor John is left going, "Mom? Mommy?" on the phone as everyone around him laughs at the poor dear.

Well, so far the auditions are going well, at least, until Claire Bradley shows up. She tells the judges that she had been to the bathroom about twenty times already that day. The show then cuts to some creepy woman outside, on Sleazie's prompting, offering to pose as John's mother so that John can give "his mother" some hug. Where's the bathroom again? And will I find Dunkie retching in there, since he is nowhere to be seen again? Claire is then forgotten as we move on to Chris Dos Santos, another creepy very skinny guy who closes his eyes shut throughout his stillborn rendition of Extreme's More Than Words. Miss Paula then gets into another staged argument with King Tut because she disagrees that Chris has zero talent for singing. Make your own "if Miss Paula can make a CD..." joke here. Miss Paula babbles about rooms to grow and other nonsense, with King Tut calling her rightfully on being patronizing. Deanna Emerson jumps and warbles and plays the performing monkey in a terrible rendition of the Temptations' Lean On Me. She must be here because of some kind of dare.

Oh look, Dunkie's back. The fact that he and Sleazie have to interview a "beauty queen" (Karen Long, former Miss West Virginia) may have something to do with his newfound enthusiasm. Meanwhile, Melanie Sanders (ex-Miss Mississippi) does I Will Always Love You and gets shown the path to Hollywood. I find her performance rather forced and contrived myself but I guess it's all about the high notes being hit without making one's ears bleed. Back to Karen, Dunkie, and Sleazie, they babble and babble some more. Tamyra Gray (ex-Miss Atlanta), meanwhile, meets the judges to perform Mariah Carey's Vision Of Love. She gets King Tut to go as far as to say that Tamyra has "started" the "Z-factor" because she "goes beyond X". Aww, that's nice, but X-factor sounds so much sexier than Z-factor, which sounds like a growth hormone.

As Karen goes off to meet the judges, Sleazie asks Karen's mother whether she likes the idea of Karen dating a "guy on television". She asks back, "Can you further her career?" She and Sleazie laugh because they want people to believe that she is joking, but we all know better, don't we? Besides, dating Sleazie will help further Karen's career as much as recording a duet with Miss Paula would. Karen, alas, tanks as her rendition of the Supremes' Baby Love is forgettable. She admits that she started singing only the previous Monday, so this is clearly just a chance to be on TV for her. She leaves the room to hug her mother before the whole family head off to look for another opportunity to put Karen on TV.

Dunkie and Sleazie reveal that 15 wannabes are sent to Hollywood, thus making the number of successful hopefuls so far over the initial projected 100. Ah, but who are they to deny talent, Sleazie asks rhetorically. Who are they, indeed? We say goodbye to Atlanta with a scene of Dunkie staring at Jamar in a "What am I doing here again?" way as Jamar screams to his mother over the phone that he is going to Hollywood.

Dallas now. Good lord, I feel as if I have been recapping this show for two hundred years. The show, already running out of time, spares no time introducing Kristin Holt, a 20-year old Dallas Cowboys cheerleader who manage to wow the judges enough with her rendition of Alicia Keys' Fallin' to send her to Hollywood. King Tut points out that she will have to choose between "going to Hollywood" and attending the upcoming Miss Texas pageant since both events fall on the same day. Of course Kristin will choose to go to Hollywood, duh. Kristin tries to run up to the judges' table to thank them only to loose her footing and execute a spectacular backward flop to fall flat on her back at Miss Paula's feet.

Next is a montage of creepy dancing and bad singing, culminating with one Julie Kevelighan whose Lady Marmalade sends the judges into (staged) deliberate silence for five seconds. Luis Marquez auditioned unsuccessfully in LA and Seattle. Not having enough of the punishment, now he's back in Dallas to argue with King Tut over which is more boring, Luis or King Tut's fashion sense. Does it matter? Luis isn't going anywhere other than out. Jack Banks is singing out loud American Pie from a sheet of paper. Some horrible guy raps and is sent packing.

Then comes the horribly contrived Adriel Herrera, a pretty boy who sings Edwin McCain's I'll Be while flirting with Miss Paula. He switches on and off between hustler instincts and cloying innocent puppy-boy awkwardness that he comes off so, so fake as a result. He's going to Hollywood though. Little girls dig boys like these as their first horrible no-good lying boyfriend material. He closes this short segment on Dallas, with Sleazie and Dunkie revealing that a total of 11 wannabes got through at the end of the day. Sleazie and Dunkie also pull a sketch where Sleazie keeps interrupting Dunkie until Dunkie gets into the limo and tells the driver to go, leaving Sleazie behind. Why do I have this feeling that this sketch is more real than they'd like to pretend, hmm? Oh, and Sleazie asks everyone to check out the official website wekillmusic.com

Ten minutes left and one city more to cover, so the show is really moving as a rapid pace now. Miami, here we come! Sleazie voices over that the wannabes are now on to the act and have started "sucking up" to the judges. What, is that something new? I hear it's pretty much the only way to go when it comes to breaking into the entertainment industry.

Christina Christian dedicates Stevie Wonder's Isn't She Lovely - with the relevant changes of "she" to "he" of course and even if she is singing aloud from a card that she holds, the judges send him through. Apparently because of her voice.

Next up is a drag queen called Amnesia Sparkles who makes her entrance by pretending to know King Tut intimately prior to this. She performs Liza Minelli's Maybe This Time and the performance is pretty decent, really, with Amnesia affecting a pretty good feminine tone to her voice. The judges like her, joking that no one can forget Amnesia (groan), but of course she's not going through. The show is not ready for Amnesia, after all, and I don't think Amnesia expects to go through either, heh. She gets a barely-there kiss on the cheek from King Tut, though, for what that is worth.

The show now zooms on to Alexandra Bachelier and Tenia Taylor who are best friends. Well, they were on at least one music reality TV show before, at least. Popstars, if I am not mistaken. But first, Anjela Kyuregyan and her mother finally arrive in time for the audition after traveling to and missing the auditions in LA and Dallas. Anjela decides to just sing what God puts in her mouth. No, really. After warbling something about waking up in the morning and being scared like some melodramatic opera singer about to undergo surgery without anesthesia, Anjela is going to have to get back on that bus. She and her mother reassure each other that they will learn from this experience and never give up. Oh well, there is always another bus, another day. So, back to Alexandra and Tenia. Alexandra's awful Genie In The Bottle gets her through - I suspect that it's because of the sheer blouse she is wearing - while Tenia's version of the Carpenters' Rainy Days And Mondays has the judges waffling. Tenia tries to explain that she slept under the air-conditioner, as if that explains something, whatever that is. This is a cue for the show to cut to a segment of various other wannabes making excuses for their performances. My favorite is that girl who insisted she only recently left the hospital because she had sun poisoning, a ear infection, and a strep throat. All at the same time! Back to Tenia, she gets to go through, so Alexandra and Tenia are still best of friends, folks. At least, until one of them begins outshining the other, I suspect, because that is when the nails will come out and fur will fly.

Dunkie and Sleazie reveal that only six people got through. They are then arrested by the cops for... uh, thinking that they are on a nude beach, apparently. Even if none of them are nude at that moment. Ponder on that one while I go soak my tired fingers in warm oil.

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