Ooh, we are now in the second round of the semifinals. Isn't it amusing that the show has put "best friends forever" Tenia and Alexandra in the same round? This certainly means that there is a high chance that they will be split up since I doubt that all two of them can get enough votes to both move on together. This show can be so predictable that way - expect plenty of "You say you are friends, but admit it, you want to move on more than your best friend, right? Let's hear you call your best friend a talentless slag on live TV!" drama in the results episode.

As the credits finish rolling, the camera zooms in on Brian Dunkedvermin, dressed casually in a grey jersey and black pants, and Ryan Sleazebag, dressed in pink and looking all disheveled, as if he has barely found time to tuck in his pants before his name was called and he had to rush onto the stage. Dunkie reminds everyone how the show will work, et cetera, until Sleazie interrupts him to say that he's talking too much. "We've got it!" says Sleazie and Dunkie is like, yeah, yeah, whatever, I'm not the one desperate enough to shag a fat British grouch on the photocopy machine, so yeah, whatever, dude. Look, there is the Red Room! Who is that creepy Sideshow Bob dude again? Oh yes, Justin Guarini.

The three judges! Dunkie tells Randy Randy that the man looks great that night and Randy Randy says that it's because he feels "loved". Just like Donna Summer, baby! Oh dear, that's a creepy image indeed, if I may say so. Miss Paula! Sleazie calls her a "legend". In her own mind, I suppose. Dunkie calls King Tut "always engaging" and I bet Sleazie is blushing at how King Tut is always engaging him. Dunkie then asks King Tut whether King Tut gets any "fan mail". After all, this show is trying very hard to build King Tut up as the villain rather than the love of desperately blond famewhore hosts and there are probably a few folks out there who still have not gotten the message, hence Dunkie's blatant attempt to drive home the fact that you and everyone else are supposed to hate King Tut. King Tut is like, yeah, yeah, whatever Shorty, hey, Sleazie, nice outfit. Sleazie looks down at his shirt and wishes that he's had the foresight to let it unbuttoned right past his belly button. "Do you like it?" he asks King Tut, telepathically adding, "Wait until you see the tricks I can do in it!" King Tut describes the outfit as Star Trek meets Saturday Night Fever, so yeah, he likes it. Dunkie tries to chime in, "And Boogie Nights!" but dude, he's so irrelevant as King Tut and Sleazie only have eyes for each other. Sleazie tells King Tut that he picked the shirt himself and King Tut raises his brows suggestively before saying, "Obviously." They're so abusing the photocopy machine again tonight.

Just like the like episode, the show starts off with a montage of this particular batch of finalists getting styled, groomed, and what not upon arriving in LA. Aunt Debra and the pianist, whose name is revealed to be Kenneth, help the wannabes go through the whole "loo-loo-loo loo-loo-loo loo!" thing. The wannabes also walk around town where a few folks are dragged onto the camera to pretend that they are autographing-seeking fans. These "fans" are as enthusiastic as sheep led into the slaughterhouse. And then some hack offers these wannabes some counseling in case some of them feel depressed enough to attempt to take King Tut hostage by the end of the episode when they realize that they have to go home and resume being the underpaid bag boy at the downtown grocery store. This session ends with a silly staged scene of Justin and two guys throwing darts right at King Tut's photo that is pinned on the dart board. Please, as if these wannabes won't bend over when King Tut asks them to because they want to be famous so bad.

Back to the Red Room, where the wannabes are seated and secretly hoping that their rivals get struck with a horrible flu that robs them of their voices. It is revealed that Alexis Lopez is going first and our lovely lady, dressed in a pretty eye-catching cleavage-bearing gold outfit, is the first to go.

Alexis' introductory clip reminds everyone that she was the twit who cried in the bathroom during the workshop episode just before they all learned who would be moving on to the semifinals. Alexis then reveals that the cleavage-bearing outfit is her mother's idea. Now, I personally like that outfit and it looks great on her, but a part of me is taken aback by the idea of any mother encouraging her seventeen-year old to look like that on TV. Then again, that's why I'm not a stage mother, I suppose. Alexis also adds that she tends to "steal" her mother's clothes to wear. Not that I want to be mean or anything, but after seeing her mother on TV, I doubt the cleavage-bearing top belongs to Mrs Lopez.

Alexis steps on stage and launches into Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive. Yes, again. It's not a bad performance at all, but the whole arrangement of the song feels really rushed to the point that she's yelling as fast as she can by the last few seconds of her performances. She's not going through though - she's too pretty and the young ladies holding the telephones already hate her guts since the day Alexis was born for daring to be too pretty.

Randy Randy, Miss Paula, and King Tut all agree that she performed well but King Tut points out that the song wasn't suitable for her as very few people can match the original performer. Alexis thanks them all very nicely and King Tut calls her a lady. Back in the Red Room, Dunkie and Sleazie engage Alexis in some banal banter about feeling good that the judges like her performance. Alexis also claims that the performance brought her "out of" her "shell". What, she's shy? Somehow I have a hard time believing that.

Next up is Gil Sinuet, not to be confused with AJ Gil, who will be performing later. In his introductory clip, Gil reveals that he had been trying to overcome his lack of confidence when performing before an audience. Does his effort pay off? Well, his version of Stevie Wonder's Ribbon In The Sky is pretty good to me.

Miss Paula babbles that Gil has finally come out of his shell and the performance was his best. Randy Randy feels that despite a couple of "flat and sharp" notes, the performance was fine. King Tut thinks that Gil may not look like the American Idol but he sounds like one, but doubts that the audience may appreciate that. Still, he wishes Gil all the luck that he will no doubt need. Funny, and here I am thinking that Gil actually looks pretty easy on the eyes. Then again, I don't find Justin Guarini hot so clearly I'm not "in the loop" with the taste of the rest of the folks watching this show, heh. Back in the Red Room, Sleazie tries to goad Gil into responding to King Tut's statement about Gil's looks and Gil says something about King Tut's lamentable fashion choice. But King Tut's not the one selling records, so... whatever.

Dunkie reads out an email supposedly sent through the website idolcausescancer.com where the person claims to find King Tut "sexy". The "punchline" here is that the email is sent by a guy. Dunkie is a stand-up comedy guy? He could have fooled me.

At any rate, after that really lame "comedy" session that is too inept to be even a little offensive, Sleazie sends Angela Peel on her way as it is her turn to perform. In her introductory clip, I am reminded that all three judges love Angela. She still has that annoying accent, heh. Her song is Whitney Houston's Run To You, which she performs in such an overwrought manner, complete with melodramatic runs and overwrought facial expressions, that I just have to cringe. Dial it down, lady!

Randy Randy, never a fan of subtlety, calls the performance a very good one despite a few shaky notes and too many runs from Angela at the start. Yes, all you need to impress Randy Randy is a few high notes that last more than three seconds. Miss Paula of course finds the performance wonderful. King Tut says that Angela made the performance her own and adds that he will never dare to criticize her because she's so tall. I know. That one comes out of nowhere. A happy Angela mentions to Sleazie and Dunkie back in the Red Room that her dress is so tight. It must be her way of warning Sleazie not to steal that dress when she is not looking.

Next up, AJ Gil. He still favors way too much mascara but I don't remember him being that skinny. Well, he's such a thin fellow that I feel the urge to feed him something heavy with fat and carbohydrates the moment he shows up in his introductory clip babbling about how so many people who watch this show love his rendition of the national anthem. Boy, does this fellow crave validation so desperately and obviously or what? He is still sticking to his "I'm singing for all my fellow men out there!" script instead of admitting that he just wants the fame, money, and adulation. What a fake. AJ takes the stage and performs All Or Nothing by O-Town. He ruins the performance of an otherwise pretty good song by cackling strangely after two lines into the song. Then again, this performance is pretty weak in that his voice seems very shaky. AJ can't even muster the volume needed to make the glory note moment of the last line of the performance work. He makes O-Town sound really good and that's pretty sad.

Randy Randy thinks that the performance was "good" but "not exciting". Miss Paula agrees with him. King Tut agrees too, adding that AJ has a nice voice but he is a boring performer. He hates the "hideous laugh" during the performance as well as AJ's shirt, which I agree is really ugly. Back in the Red Room, the other wannabes hide their glee and act as if image really doesn't matter in the music business and it's all a democracy. Sleazie happily insults Gil without being too blatant about it (at least, blatant enough to be booed) by saying that he likes Gil's shirt and that Gil can host this show if he wears something like that.

"Comedy" time as Dunkie pretends to have an Alzheimer's moment and has to have Sleazie remind him that they are not in a beach house. Why is it that every time Dunkie tries to be funny, he flops so badly at it? He should try to be more quiet and sit there looking pretty. Next up is Tenia Taylor who tries to pretend that she's a classy lady by wearing a pink dress that is modest when compared to some of the hoochie outfits she has worn on this show.

Her introductory clip reminds me of her hoochie shorts and sees her deciding that she wants to be elegant this time around. Hmm. Her song is Whitney Houston's Greatest Love Of All. She makes these really funny facial expressions as she is singing that I find myself distracted by them. The performance is actually pretty good, although her voice sounds a little too nasal at places. I doubt she'll make it through - her portrayal in the first two episodes of this show have alienated enough young ladies who already hate her for daring to be pretty as it is.

Miss Paula loves the performance. Surprising, eh? Randy Randy says that he misses the hoochie shorts but tries to mask his inappropriate remarks by saying that the performance is good, only not amazing. King Tut agrees, only of course he says it more caustically and Tenia kills her chances of moving through by talking back to King Tut and acting as if she is sorry that he doesn't appreciate her awesomeness. Oh, Tenia, the audience watching this show love their women to be plain (or, if pretty, hides that fact as much as possible) and agreeable. But she'll learn. In the Red Room, Alexandra acts all indignant and offended on behalf of Tenia and says that nobody cares about what King Tut thinks. Then she faces the camera and adjusts her top because she knows where her priorities lie. Meanwhile, Tenia plays the victim to Dunkie and Sleazie who assure her that she is of course wonderful.

Alexandra Bachelier is next. Her introductory clip sees her acting like Mariah Carey on her meltdown because Alexandra realizes that people are talking about her online in a mean way. Honey, you aren't famous enough to behave like an offended diva, so just calm down and start sending back poisonous responses. At any rate, Alexandra acts as if she now understands that fame comes with a price, blah blah blah, to which I can only scratch my head and wonder when she officially becomes a famous person. When she takes the stage, she launches into Vanessa Williams' beautiful ballad Save The Best For Last and sounds pretty ordinary and forgettable, in the process. Unlike Tenia who makes all those amusing facial contortions as she sings, Alexandra has a creepy emotionless expression throughout her entire performance.

Randy Randy says that he is a changed man because he wants to borrow a phrase from King Tut to describe the performance: "so Miami karaoke". Miss Paula babbles about the amazing talents in this show only to point out that Alexandra isn't one of them, heh. King Tut says that Alexandra certainly didn't save the best for last. Alexandra says that well, the performance may not be the best to those judges but surely someone else would feel differently. That's true, I suppose (hi, Alexandra's Mommy!). As Alexandra walks back to the Red Room, the camera shows Miss Paula making a scary face as she tries to... I don't know, scold King Tut for making Alexandra feel bad or something. At any rate, she looks demented in that scene. Back in the Red Room, Alexandra plays the martyr and talks about how the judges may not love her but hopefully America will feel differently.

After the commercial break, Dunkie makes me laugh for once when he starts crying out in a ridiculous voice, "Seacrest! Seacrest!" to have Sleazie telling him in mock sternness that Dunkie only needed to say "Welcome back!". I think Dunkie must have overheard some of the sounds King Tut was making during his late-night session with Sleazie on the photocopy machine.

Next up is Jazmin Lowery who is shown to be struggling with voice problems during her audition and workshop session. Well, her performance of Tamia's You Put A Move On My Heart is certainly not lacking in volume. She sounds really loud and really sharp that I fear for my eardrums after a while. A little subtlety would have made this performance so much better.

Miss Paula thinks that Jazmin sounded nervous at first but "came through" at the end. Randy Randy doesn't like the performance. King Tut however disagrees and finds the performance brilliant. He adds that Jazmin exudes natural talent and has a beautiful voice. Sleazie and Dunkie then engage Jazmin in some insipid banter about King Tut.

The overexcited Jamar is next. In his introductory clip, I am reminded that he is happy, he is wild, and he is wacky. Which explains his choice of the non-wacky Careless Whisper by George Michael, I suppose? This is a really boring and bland performance that is more loud than anything else. Jamar is shouting like a fool throughout the entire performance. Just horrible, really. I crack up when he sings that the music is just too loud. Oh, baby, he doesn't have to mean that literally, does he?

Randy Randy thinks that Jamar didn't show his personality. Miss Paula thinks that Jamar picked the wrong song. She is talking about how the key of the song is too high for Jamar when he decides to pipe up and say that Miss Paula is "so beautiful". What can I say? The poor dear must be feeling desperate. The wannabes in the Red Room give an united hoot because the whole thing is scripted right down to calls of Jamar being a "player". Miss Paula tries to act modest as King Tut says that she can be so unpleasant sometimes. King Tut says the truth: Jamar shouted out the song. Back in the Red Room, Jamar gets lauded by all as the player of the season. Or something.

Next up is one Kelly Clarkson who is only featured once in the second episode, and even that, you have to freeze-frame the scene to catch sight of her. In other words, she's one of the wannabes who have never been featured prior to her appearance in the semifinals. The introductory clip reveals that she's 20. When she auditioned in Dallas, she managed to have Randy Randy perform "an interpretive dance" of R Kelly's I Believe I Can Fly while she sat in his place on the judges' table. That seems funny, I wonder why they didn't feature her audition at all. I have to say, it takes some brass from a lily-white young woman to perform Aretha Franklin's Respect, but she has the voice to perform that song alright. If Kelly wants to get people to sit up and show her some R-E-S-P-E-C-T, I have to say that she has definitely succeeded. When she finishes her performance, we see Justin Guarini in the Red Room at what seems like the end of a powerful orgasm. Oh no, Kelly, the creepy Sideshow Bob has his eyes on her!

Randy Randy goes, "Kelly, Kelly, Kelly, Kelly!" He likes it. Miss Paula thinks that Kelly did them all proud. King Tut says that she has a good voice but he can't remember her from the previous rounds at all. That's funny, neither can I. But wait, that's because she hasn't been seen on the show until now. Did King Tut edit the last few episodes himself? Back in the Red Room, Kelly gets crowned as the queen of the universe.

Surprise: next up, a genuinely funny "comedy" moment as the wannabes take turns pretending to be the judges as they critique each other's performance. Justin Guarini has finished performing when Gil does a hilarious cool-beans impersonation of Randy Randy as he gives a critique that actually makes more sense than what Randy Randy usually says. Alexis Lopez is Miss Paula and she is sweet and sober. Angela Peel has King Tut down pat, right down to the accent and the way she leans on her seat, hah, as she repeats the critique that King Tut gave Sad Clown Boi in the previous episode. Then comes an obvious voice-over where she "tells" Justin to "take off the girl's wig" right before running up to Justin and asking him to marry her. Beautifully done, Angela - that scene is a thing of great beauty indeed. Alexandra and Tenia tell the camera that Angela is dead serious about marrying Justin. Apparently that is all Angela talks about since day one. The whole thing is just too funny!

Back to the Red Room, it's down to Justin Guarini to help herald all the young women and some lads out there watching this show into the confusing world of puberty. His introductory clip suggests that he is the third or fourth coming of Jesus as his very presence drives women into an orgasmic frenzy. The clip also demonstrates that when Justin wants to make it known that he is infallible, he is still... well, perfect. Whatever. He decides to tackle poor Gil head on with his own version of Stevie Wonder's Ribbons In The Sky. I hate to say this, but it's a superb performance provided I don't have to look at the ridiculous hair or the post-cosmetic surgery Michael Jackson cheekbones. I have to say this again: I really cannot stand his affected attempts to impregnate me with his creepy eyes through the camera screen.

Miss Paula says that Justin gave the performance some "quiet sincerity" before swooning into an orgasmic bliss. Randy Randy thinks that he has heard better from Justin but he enjoyed the performance. King Tut says that Gil performed the song better but Justin has the "X-factor". That earns him some silly sass from Randy Randy as Justin gets worshiped in the Red Room for having the ability to drive women everywhere into orgasmic swoons.

Dunkie and Sleazie then recap the performances where I can see once again that yes, Gil has outperformed Justin on that song, but seriously, I'm sure everyone is like, "Gil who? Justin, oh, Justin! JUSTIN!" Dunkie says something about "climax" that has everyone swooning over Justin's performance all over again, and that's it. On to the results show where I will be very surprised if Justin doesn't get to move on to the finals.

Results night. Heh, I hear King Tut saying something, "Okay, Paula..." right before Dunkie and Sleazie begin to speak. What is King Tut saying? Maybe he's trying to get Miss Paula to contact her pharmacist and supply King Tut with plenty of poppers for an upcoming "audition" with Sleazie. Dunkie and Sleazie babble about how three people will get to move on - nothing you have not heard before if you have seen the show before, in other words.

After the credits, Sleazie reveals that "over 6.9 million" people phoned in the night before to vote. I'm sure about half of them phoned in by mistake, thinking that Justin was advertising for some male escort service where the male escorts will sing to the customers during the exchange of money. He and Dunkie walk over to the ten who are seated at the usual place, with Dunkie happily lying about how one day these losers will be hounded by the press and what. Hey, you get hounded by the press too if you are a former TV show contestant who has to rob a bank because you are so down on your luck in LA.

The three judges! Randy Randy babbles something about how he tells it as it is, leading Dunkie to say that his friends had come up with a drinking game coinciding with the number of times Randy Randy says "man". Randy Randy says that the friends will no doubt be doing a lot of drugs, right before everyone realizes that people watching this show shouldn't be told that pop stars and famous rich people in LA do drugs and attempts to quickly change the subject. Dude, Randy Randy is so busted. Millions of sweet young girls will now weep into their pillows at night when they realize that their favorite Backstreet Boy is actually shooting up and partying with strippers and tarts instead of waiting chastely by the phone for these young girls to call. Randy Randy can be such a heartless bastard when he's not thinking, I tell you. Think of the children, man! Oh, and there's Miss Paula and then there is King Tut. King Tut tries to let everyone know that Miss Paula secretly wants him really bad. Oh please, as if anyone can believe that. Miss Paula will only want King Tut if King Tut looks like a bottle of Prozac.

In case folks are starting to think that they are watching some horrible sleazy soap opera about the decadent things people do in Hollywood, Sleazie and Dunkie quickly usher in the recap montage of the performances of the night before.

And now, some really banal Q&A. What I learn: Justin's family thinks that his "look" is X-rated, Kelly doesn't like watching herself, which leads to a really adult-laden exchange between Sleazie and Dunkie about who likes to watch, heh, and finally, the judges' prediction - Randy Randy, Miss Paula, and King Tut think that Justin will win the show. Next up, a truly lame Ford commercial that is not bear recapping because it's really that pathetic. More babble. More babble. More babble. Oh my goodness, I've read more substantial interviews in bad teen magazines.

And then, it is revealed that Justin gets the highest votes of them all. What a shock, I tell you. Justin says something about wanting to remain humble while wanting to be confident. I feel my brain cells dying as I listen to the constant stream of insipid babble passed off as "interviews" on this show. Oh, and Justin loves the Jackson Five.

Tameka is back and is as lame as ever. Dunkie asks why she is still on the show. It's a scripted line, but it is also the truth.

What's next? More bad audition clips.

Next up, Kelly gets the next seat despite some predictions that Angela will get this seat.

Okay, I can't take the constant banality of the result shows anymore, so let me just cut straight to the end and reveal that AJ Gil gets the third seat. That's the wrong Gil, you people! Sad Clown Boi and now AJ Gil? What is this? What the hell is wrong with you people? It's the wrong Gil!

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