Jason X (2002)
Main cast: Kane Hodder (Jason Voorhees), Lexa Doig (Rowan), Chuck Campbell (Tsunaron), Lisa Ryder (Kay-Em 14), Peter Mensah (Sgt Brodski), Melyssa Ade (Janessa), Derwin Jordan (Waylander), and Jonathan Potts (Professor Lowe)
Director: James Isaac
You know, I've seen this movie when it was called Aliens, Alien Resurrection, and Event Horizon. And I think the previous three incarnations of this movie are way much more superior than this suckage-fest of a dud. This movie sucks so much, it makes the black hole looks like a broken down vacuum cleaner. If it hasn't blatantly "paid homage" to the three abovementioned movies by simply gluing the scripts of the movies together to make this sucktastic piece of smoggie, I may be amused. But it has, so I'm not.
In the future, moron humans who haven't seen Alien Resurrection decides to use Jason's DNA to clone him again. Jason is a weird killer dude with regenerative properties, so he cannot die - just like this franchise, come to think of it - and they believe that the Evil Military will have good use for that. Needless to say, everybody dies except for our "Ripley" heroine, Rowan. She and Jason end up in deep cryogenic freeze.
Cut even more to the future, where a rescue craft discovers the twosome, Event Horizon style. Jason awakes and kills the doctor, The Thing style. Everybody runs around when Jason starts killing people, and a super mercenary team, ala Aliens, is, as one character puts it quaintly, "screwed" by Jason here. Finally, the scriptwriters rip off Event Horizon and has our survivors blow the bridge, and this is after the Lawrence Fishburne figure bombs himself and Jason up to let the rest escape.
But wait, Jason is not dead yet. And so it goes, ripping off every conceivable "monster in space" movie so blatantly that I'm torn whether to admire this piece of crap for its audacity or be furious for my cheated time and money.
But this movie isn't even amusing parody. The rip-off elements are presented with so little irony for the most part that it defies belief. Only finally, when we get a robotic character do a kickass stand-off with Jason that the people behind this movie finally gets it: a movie this bad and beyond salvation may as well play up its hokeyness. But by then, it's too late.
In space, no one can really hear me scream.
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