HOT SAUCE REVIEWS: MOVIES
Cranky, sarcastic reviews of... let's see, drama, comedy, horror, tragedy, space crap, monster wallop, anything and everything.
Denzel Washington brings on his most piercing glare and scowl to The Equalizer. The impressive body count by the hero here, alas, includes the plot as well.
A Walk Among the Tombstones is an entertaining stop-those-serial-killers movie. It won’t blow anyone’s mind or change the world, but it does its job well.
The Maze Runner could have been the most gory and scary dystopian teen flick to hit the screen, but it ends up being the most limpid one to date.
In many ways, the movie version of The Giver is missing the more elegant nuances of the book. It still manages to entertain and touch the heart, though.
The only explanation for the plot of this movie is that it is the frantic delusions of the director as he is seized by a powerful high, and this movie is his way to pay off his dealers while secretly Morse-coding all of us to intervene. Or something like that.
Video game adaptations tend to be awful, and this low-budget thing with a D-grade cast is bound to be bad, right? Of course it is.
This movie is a reboot, and tells a familiar tale, but it is completely ruined by that brain damaged bimbo who is responsible for every single mess in this movie.
Two hundred tornadoes hit a town all at the same time (or so it seems), things get blown up, inconsequential characters die, everyone else survives to proclaim how amazing humanity is because tornadoes can’t kill them despite their stupidity. In other words, business as usual.
Five criminals and ex-cons reluctantly out to save the world! This Marvel franchise adaptation is the one I have been looking forward to the most, so of course it has to be the one that disappointed me the most too.
Cartoon of the century! Feminist films for future Social Justice Warriors of Tumblr! Empowering tale of girls taking care of themselves (although the cute and perky one still gets the boy while the more intimidating chick ends up alone), When a movie is hyped this much, it is never going to live up to expectations.
Yes, it’s Hercules, and he has a bunch of violent people following this time around. This is, simply put, one of the most enjoyable average flicks I’ve come across in a while.
Yes, guns are bad, humans are awful, and apes are cute. And then come the apes wielding machine guns and going kung-fu banzai on everyone’s asses, and everything begins to feel truly special.
A musical slasher flick? Yes please. This particular musical slasher flick? No, thanks – I’d rather not.
Hot guys in love, the Navy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – how can I resist? Well, it’s easier than I expected, considering how the director does his best to make sure that I don’t care even a little about these people and their story.
The clarity of the messages in the book – on cancer, coming to terms with the inevitable, carpe diem – comes through despite the script laboring under the assumption that John Green is a pseudonym for Nicholas Sparks. Augustus Waters is horribly miscast, but Hazel Lancaster is perfect.
Well, I suppose one can do worse than this very average and forgettable supernatural thriller thing. It’s better than any of M Night Shyamalan’s last twenty outputs, but then again, is that really the standard we are aiming for now?
Worst movie ever of 2014. Really.
Even in fantasy Viking-wannabe lands, there is no getting away from whiny self-absorbed teens with first world problems. What’s impressive is how he’s celebrated and rewarded for essentially setting in motion events that ruin the lives of the people around him.
This reinterpretation of Maleficent as a misunderstood creature has Angelina Jolie and… well, not much else. Comparisons to Frozen are inevitable, and there is no way this one comes out looking good.
The wooden acting in this movie is a bigger threat to humanity than the monsters combined. Just skip to the last 30 minutes or so, and spare yourself the pain of having to endure some of the worst acting ever.
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5 Oogies: Excellent
4 Oogies: Good
3 Oogies: Okay
2 Oogies: Oh dear
1 Oogie: Oh god
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