HOT SAUCE REVIEWS: MOVIES
Cranky, sarcastic reviews of... let's see, drama, comedy, horror, tragedy, space crap, monster wallop, anything and everything.
Yes, guns are bad, humans are awful, and apes are cute. And then come the apes wielding machine guns and going kung-fu banzai on everyone’s asses, and everything begins to feel truly special.
A musical slasher flick? Yes please. This particular musical slasher flick? No, thanks – I’d rather not.
Hot guys in love, the Navy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – how can I resist? Well, it’s easier than I expected, considering how the director does his best to make sure that I don’t care even a little about these people and their story.
The clarity of the messages in the book – on cancer, coming to terms with the inevitable, carpe diem – comes through despite the script laboring under the assumption that John Green is a pseudonym for Nicholas Sparks. Augustus Waters is horribly miscast, but Hazel Lancaster is perfect.
Well, I suppose one can do worse than this very average and forgettable supernatural thriller thing. It’s better than any of M Night Shyamalan’s last twenty outputs, but then again, is that really the standard we are aiming for now?
Worst movie ever of 2014. Really.
Even in fantasy Viking-wannabe lands, there is no getting away from whiny self-absorbed teens with first world problems. What’s impressive is how he’s celebrated and rewarded for essentially setting in motion events that ruin the lives of the people around him.
This reinterpretation of Maleficent as a misunderstood creature has Angelina Jolie and… well, not much else. Comparisons to Frozen are inevitable, and there is no way this one comes out looking good.
The wooden acting in this movie is a bigger threat to humanity than the monsters combined. Just skip to the last 30 minutes or so, and spare yourself the pain of having to endure some of the worst acting ever.
The best thing about this haphazardly put-together movie is that one of the main guys spends most of the time half naked. No, it’s not Paul Walker, but while the other guy ain’t as pretty, that body sure is a work of art. Anyway.
Wolverine is in this one, but fortunately, he doesn’t take the limelight away from the complicated relationship of Magneto, Charles Xavier, and Mystique. This movie isn’t very original, but it can still be a blast to watch.
Not only are younger Charles Xavier, Erik Lensherr, and Raven Darkholme much cooler than their older counterparts, this movie make them larger-than-life characters to remember. Oh, and the homoerotic moments, let’s not overlook them.
The reviews you are reading here date only as far back as May 16, 2014. I can't bring myself to transfer the older reviews over as there are too many of them. You can find those reviews by clicking on OLDER REVIEWS in the menu above.
The round faces are called oogies (don't ask). Generally:
5 Oogies: Excellent
4 Oogies: Good
3 Oogies: Okay
2 Oogies: Oh dear
1 Oogie: Oh god
- Unlacing Lady Thea by Louise Allen
- Once Upon a Kiss by Jayne Fresina
- Bloodshifted by Cassie Alexander
- Clean Sweep by Ilona Andrews
- Recklessly Royal by Nichole Chase
- Labyrinth of Stars by Marjorie M Liu
- Dawn of the Planet of the Apes (2014)
- The Mortal Bone by Marjorie M Liu
- Torn by Monica Murphy
- Stage Fright (2014)
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