HOT SAUCE REVIEWS: MOVIES
Cranky, sarcastic reviews of... let's see, drama, comedy, horror, tragedy, space crap, monster wallop, anything and everything.
The only explanation for the plot of this movie is that it is the frantic delusions of the director as he is seized by a powerful high, and this movie is his way to pay off his dealers while secretly Morse-coding all of us to intervene. Or something like that.
Video game adaptations tend to be awful, and this low-budget thing with a D-grade cast is bound to be bad, right? Of course it is.
This movie is a reboot, and tells a familiar tale, but it is completely ruined by that brain damaged bimbo who is responsible for every single mess in this movie.
Two hundred tornadoes hit a town all at the same time (or so it seems), things get blown up, inconsequential characters die, everyone else survives to proclaim how amazing humanity is because tornadoes can’t kill them despite their stupidity. In other words, business as usual.
Five criminals and ex-cons reluctantly out to save the world! This Marvel franchise adaptation is the one I have been looking forward to the most, so of course it has to be the one that disappointed me the most too.
Cartoon of the century! Feminist films for future Social Justice Warriors of Tumblr! Empowering tale of girls taking care of themselves (although the cute and perky one still gets the boy while the more intimidating chick ends up alone), When a movie is hyped this much, it is never going to live up to expectations.
Yes, it’s Hercules, and he has a bunch of violent people following this time around. This is, simply put, one of the most enjoyable average flicks I’ve come across in a while.
Yes, guns are bad, humans are awful, and apes are cute. And then come the apes wielding machine guns and going kung-fu banzai on everyone’s asses, and everything begins to feel truly special.
A musical slasher flick? Yes please. This particular musical slasher flick? No, thanks – I’d rather not.
Hot guys in love, the Navy, “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” – how can I resist? Well, it’s easier than I expected, considering how the director does his best to make sure that I don’t care even a little about these people and their story.
The clarity of the messages in the book – on cancer, coming to terms with the inevitable, carpe diem – comes through despite the script laboring under the assumption that John Green is a pseudonym for Nicholas Sparks. Augustus Waters is horribly miscast, but Hazel Lancaster is perfect.
Well, I suppose one can do worse than this very average and forgettable supernatural thriller thing. It’s better than any of M Night Shyamalan’s last twenty outputs, but then again, is that really the standard we are aiming for now?
Worst movie ever of 2014. Really.
Even in fantasy Viking-wannabe lands, there is no getting away from whiny self-absorbed teens with first world problems. What’s impressive is how he’s celebrated and rewarded for essentially setting in motion events that ruin the lives of the people around him.
This reinterpretation of Maleficent as a misunderstood creature has Angelina Jolie and… well, not much else. Comparisons to Frozen are inevitable, and there is no way this one comes out looking good.
The wooden acting in this movie is a bigger threat to humanity than the monsters combined. Just skip to the last 30 minutes or so, and spare yourself the pain of having to endure some of the worst acting ever.
The best thing about this haphazardly put-together movie is that one of the main guys spends most of the time half naked. No, it’s not Paul Walker, but while the other guy ain’t as pretty, that body sure is a work of art. Anyway.
Wolverine is in this one, but fortunately, he doesn’t take the limelight away from the complicated relationship of Magneto, Charles Xavier, and Mystique. This movie isn’t very original, but it can still be a blast to watch.
Not only are younger Charles Xavier, Erik Lensherr, and Raven Darkholme much cooler than their older counterparts, this movie make them larger-than-life characters to remember. Oh, and the homoerotic moments, let’s not overlook them.
Reviews posted before June 2014 are stored in the older version of this website. No, I didn’t move them over because I don’t have the time, sorry. Click here for those reviews.
The layouts of those old reviews are not very user-friendly if you use a smartphone or a tablet, sorry about that.
5 Oogies: Excellent
4 Oogies: Good
3 Oogies: Okay
2 Oogies: Oh dear
1 Oogie: Oh god
- Suddenly Royal by Nichole Chase
- Lady in Black by Christina Dodd
- Castle of the Wolf by Margaret Moore
- My Everything by Ariana Grande
- Sorry I’m Late by Cher Lloyd
- Safe in My Arms by Janice Sims
- When Morning Comes by Harmony Evans
- A Lady’s Revenge by Tracey Devlyn
- Reign of Stars by Tim Pratt
- Lucy (2014)
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