My Fair Pixie
by Samantha Winston, fantasy (2005)
Ellora's Cave, $4.45, ISBN 1-4199-0189-3
In My Fair Pixie, 500-year old vampire Sebastian Montgomery Chateaufix is probably too old to be whining about not finding a soulmate but there you go - being old doesn't necessarily mean one becomes wiser or original, hmmph. But after gorging on the blood of a drunk jogger (joggers are supposed to have healthier blood than other humans, Sebastian reasons), he gets woozy in the head and ends up being mistaken as a contestant on a dating-based reality TV show, The Mating Game. A drunk vampire is not the best thing to have on TV unless one wants to feel what it's like to be slapped with a huge fine by the FCC:
"Observant filly, aren't you?" Now he had his John Wayne accent. He leered at her. Women loved his John Wayne accent. And just wait until he took his dick out and waved it around. He'd never tried that, but it might be a fun thing to do on a live show. "And jes' where do you think yer takin' me, young lady? Why I..."
It gets better.
"Thank you, you buck futter." Sebastian glared at the microphone and burped loudly. A voice came over the loud speaker.
"Bachelor number three, introduce yourself."
He blinked. "Myself?"
"Why yes! I am talking to you, bachelor number three!" The voice chirped. A bimbo, if he wasn't mistaken. Fine. He could do that, even blind drunk.
It took him a minute to find the microphone. Clearing his throat, he said, "My name is Sebastian Montgomery Chateaufix... Butler,” he added, suddenly remembering the assistant insisting his name was Butler. "I was born in the year of our Lord 1278, during the reign of Louis the... Fuck." He frowned.
Which Louis had it been? So long ago. "Tenth," he hazarded a guess. "I was bitten by a vampire during the eighth crusade, near Tunis, and then I lived for a couple centuries in Africa, which was a blessing seeing as Europe went through a nasty time of it what with the plague and the mini ice age in the fourteenth century." He scratched his head. What was he supposed to be doing? Oh yes, introducing himself.
"I have a ten-inch penis and I love to fuck. If anyone is interested..." A loud buzz interrupted his words.
Jessica Adkins, our heroine, is actually a pixie who is on the show due to a dare and... well, I'll let Ms Winston tell you herself what a pixie is.
Pixies tended to have rather violent mood swings and pixie doctors were big believers in pixie prescription pills, which pixies popped with pleasure.
She'd sworn never to take any more of those little blue ones after she woke up one day in the back of a football team's van with no recollection of what had happened before. That had really bummed her out. She would have at least liked to remember making out with all the handsome jocks. Now she stared at the questions with growing dismay. She had actually thought they were witty when she'd jotted them down. The blue pills had to go.
"Bachelor number one... If I were a pie what kind would I be?"
She had flipped when she heard about the prize. A visit to a dude ranch in Las Vegas with cowboys and a limo... Damn! She'd always fantasized about doing it on a horse. But there was a small catch - she had to take one of these losers with her. And from the answers so far, they were all losers. Well, she'd take one of these flaccid flirts to Vegas then dump him in favor of a cowboy. Oh, she wasn't heartless, just tired of always being the doormat for neurotic guys with hang-ups that could be solved by a good piece of leather or a paddle. But bring up sexual bondage and the whole world cringes. Loosen up people! C'mon get happy!
But this story can be most romantic in unexpected ways, such as when Sebastian is putting his hand down there and he tells her that he's merely telling her that he loves her in Braille. How sweet!
Sebastian and Jessica fall in lust and decide to get married right there and then in Vegas, but the next stop is trying to drum enough decorum in Jessica to impress his stuffy mother. Can it be done? Can an aristocratic vampire and a free-spirited trailer trash sort find love? Well, take a look at Sebastian's confession and tell me what you think.
"Yes, for the past few decades my interest in life withered. My cock had no interest in the vampire beauties throwing themselves at me, and my job at my father's historical society is much less exciting than you might believe. All right, you know it's boring. I mean, what can be exciting about sitting around sifting though dusty books and articles about things you've already lived through? I am afraid I started to turn into a hermit, which is why I was so glad to get out that night and go to the game show and why you, you spicy, vibrant pixie woman at my side, intrigued and delighted me so. And made my prick pulse with passion... Oh no, there I go again. If I do ever write a romance book, I'm sure it will be a bestseller."
I have to hand it to author Samantha Winston - My Fair Pixie is splendorous laugh-a-minute affair that is so naughty all over the place and so unexpectedly tender at other places. This is simply fabulous fun from start to finish. Love it, love it, love it!
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